by Meara Platt
He was doing the same over Holly, but he hid his lustful urges better than Romulus ever had.
The difference was in Violet’s happy upbringing. She was cheerful, optimistic. Always smiling.
One had to pull smiles from Holly, and they were rarely the sparkling ones that reached into her eyes. But, upon his oath, her eyes appeared to be less clouded now.
This pleased him greatly.
He studied the two cousins. They were of similar size and build, Holly’s breasts a little fuller because he couldn’t help but notice such things. Violet’s hair was dark, and her eyes were a sparkling violet. Holly’s hair was vibrant, dark gold, and her eyes were an extraordinary mix of blues and greens, overlaid with that haunting mist of gray.
He dearly wished to see them sparkle.
“Violet, are you free tomorrow afternoon? Joshua thinks we ought to meet again. But how are we to slip away without the family growing suspicious?”
“Oh, dear. Yes, I’m sure I can. We are going shopping because I need suitable travel gowns, that’s the excuse we’ll give. Not to worry, we’ll see you here tomorrow, Joshua. Same time.” She turned to Holly. “We had better return home now. Aunt Sophie and Uncle John will worry if we’re out after dark. Look at that beautiful sky. Did you notice it?”
Holly nodded. “Yes, it’s quite lovely.”
Violet hurried out to summon Dahlia and Heather.
Joshua knew he’d only have another minute alone with Holly. “Until tomorrow,” he said, taking her hand and giving it a light squeeze.
He was surprised when Holly reached up and gave him a kiss on the cheek. “Thank you, Joshua. Thank you a thousand times over.”
She hurried after Violet.
He realized what a huge thing it was for her to kiss him on the cheek. She’d done it the other night as well, that never-to-be-spoken of night.
That little buss on the cheek wasn’t merely a casual farewell.
It was a sign that she trusted him.
He hoped never to break her trust.
He was going to marry Holly.
Chapter Eight
Holly walked into Joshua’s office the following day, excited and yet scared. She did not know what to make of these powerful feelings she had for him but was eager to see what could develop. “Shall we start?”
She tossed off her cloak and set it on a peg by the door, then patted her hair and brushed back a few stray wisps the wind had loosened from her pins. The day was cooler than yesterday, so she’d worn one of her sturdier gowns, a forest-green wool. As was typical of all her gowns, there was no lace adornment or silk trim. Just sturdy, serviceable wool.
Joshua’s eyes lit up as he watched her enter.
Or had she imagined it?
He rarely showed what he was thinking. Perhaps she was just terrible at reading other people. Well, she knew that was true.
Even Joshua had said the other day, she was dense as a rock.
Indeed, she was.
She took the chair he offered her.
He settled beside her, causing her heart to start fluttering. “We’re going to talk about the five senses today,” he said, casting her one of his usual, melting smiles.
“I’m ready. Yes, let’s start right away. We can’t stay out too long. Aunt Sophie wants us back for an early supper.”
“Very well, no niceties. Let’s get down to business.” He had the book with him and immediately opened it to a page that held a bookmark. “This second chapter is on the sense of sight. But the same instruction applies to all the senses. Obviously, you and I can see each other. We have hands with which to touch each other. Noses with which to take in the other’s scent, and ears with which to hear each other speak.”
She nodded. “And tongues with which to taste.”
He cleared his throat. “Right. But what most people don’t know how to do is actually listen to what these senses are telling them. That inability to properly take in the information they are given is often what leads people to make the wrong decisions.”
She clasped her hands on her lap, her thoughts immediately spinning through all the wrong choices she’d made. “And I am a first-rate example of this, aren’t I?”
“No, Holly. I was speaking in general. I did not mean to single you out, certainly never meant to insult you. What happened to you isn’t quite the same. You had no experience regarding matters of the bedroom, and that is an important difference.”
“That still does not excuse my continued ignorance. I could have confided in my mother afterward. Or written to one of my cousins. I chose to keep those blinders on, didn’t I?”
Joshua’s expression turned thoughtful. “Not quite. Perhaps now, if you repeated the same mistake, I would call it that. But I think of your situation as something else.”
“How so?”
“You were staring in fascination at the Thames yesterday. At the water. It made me think of what your marriage did to you.” He shifted in his chair so that he fully faced her. She always ached upon seeing him, for he was quite splendid to look at. Now that they sat so close, she caught the sandalwood scent on his skin.
Her heart fluttered again. “Go on, Joshua. What do you mean?”
“You were thrown into water over your head and had not yet learned to swim. People think that if someone is drowning, they will cry out for help. Often, it is not so. Panic sets in and constricts the throat. Your mind thinks only of keeping your head above water. You thrash and paddle, and then you sink under without ever calling out to anyone.”
She put a hand to her throat. “Yes, it felt that way.”
“But did you ever consider the others around you? Walter, his family. Your family. Perhaps your friends. They were all swimming around you, so to speak. Did none of them ever notice you sinking and reach out a hand to pull you out from under the water?”
“How can I blame them when they did not know?”
“Walter had to know. His parents probably knew, or at the very least, suspected. Yet they were prepared to let you drown to serve their own purposes.”
“Yes, that much is true. But I am not blameless, either. I hid my situation from my friends and family.”
“I know your parents love you, but I don’t believe they were really looking at you. Were you that good at hiding your unhappiness from them? Perhaps not all parents were as good as mine in sensing something was wrong.”
He smiled at her, wanting to lighten the conversation because he could see this was distressing her. “When my brothers and I were younger, there were times when we considered doing utterly idiotic things. Our mother, in particular, seemed able to read our minds. If we crept downstairs in the middle of the night, there she was, standing at the foot. If we crawled out of our bedroom windows, there she was again, ready to grab us by the ear and drag us back into the house.”
Holly laughed, unable to imagine anyone staying a step ahead of these Brayden men. “I wish I had a tenth of your mother’s intuition. What a wonderful woman she must be. I only met her briefly at Lord Milford’s party.”
“I’ll have to remedy that. Now that I’m back from my last assignment, I’ll ask her to invite you and your sisters to supper. Sophie and John, as well.” He groaned lightly. “Hortensia, too. No way around that, is there?”
“No, but she isn’t really as bad as she lets on.”
“Well, I suppose my mother can handle her. She managed to keep four growing boys in line. We love her, and at the same time, fear her more than we ever did Napoleon and his armies.”
“I don’t think you are afraid of anything, Joshua. You are the bravest, smartest, handsomest…oh, well, it seems I’ve just told you what I think of when I look at you. I don’t believe I am off the mark. I may as well add chivalrous and valiant to the description.”
“That is good to know. But do you see any flaws? That is what matters most, the ability to see someone in all their imperfections and still love them.”
“I know you must have them,”
she said, a little dismayed. He was right. Everyone had faults. “But I honestly haven’t found one in you yet. However, I will keep looking. Is it also possible you are showing only the best side of yourself to me?”
He arched an eyebrow. “There is a little of that. I do behave around you. But it is also important for me to want to behave around you. I don’t view it as a chore. I like the way I am when I’m around you. There’s something about you that softens my rougher edges. I hadn’t thought of this before.”
“I’m afraid to ask what you see when you look at me. I have no edges, soft or rough. I’m just a mass of unsculpted clay. Or perhaps I’m just a jellyfish floating on the tide, pushed one way or the other, with no direction of my own.”
“There you go, being hard on yourself again.”
She gripped the edges of her chair. “Joshua, what do you see when you look at me. Be truthful, even if it is hard for me to take. I won’t learn anything if I’m coddled.”
“I think I mentioned it once before. I see you as a lovely butterfly who is still afraid to spread her wings and fly. Delicate wings that others tried to tear off. So now, you just sit on a safe branch and watch as the other butterflies flit across the meadow, their minds free of care as they fly from flower to flower.”
She loved the way he spoke of her, the lack of condescension in his description of her. Perhaps thinking of her as a butterfly was taking matters a bit too far, but she needed to hear someone describe her in a nice way.
His earlier comments about what she’d been going through with Walter and his family were also heartening. Slowly sinking underwater, that’s exactly what she had been doing and never realized it.
She smiled at him. “So, I am a drowning butterfly to you.”
He gave her cheek a light caress. “Well, you asked me.”
“It amazes me how clearly you see me, and how kind you are in describing my faults.”
“They aren’t faults so much as…circumstances. This one thing happened, and it led to that happening, then this other thing happening. Your nature is such that you keep things inside of you and never lash out. That nature is probably the closest thing you have to a fault. You are too willing to destroy yourself rather than upset others.”
“I will work on this,” she said with a nod. “But it is so ingrained in me. I may not realize it is happening again until more damage has been done. However, I truly think my response will be different once I take notice. No more of the meek Holly. I’m not afraid to defend myself.”
“I know. I saw the evidence of your fighting spirit in Oxford. A little too fearless when it comes to protecting those you love. But it’s a good quality in a mother, that fierceness when defending her offspring from all predators.” He rose and strode to the cloak she’d placed on the peg by the door. “Come, we’re going to take a walk.”
She shrugged and came to his side, liking the graze of his fingers against her neck as he wrapped the cloak around her shoulders. “Where are we going?”
“Just outside the building. A stroll along the Thames. If we stay tucked away in here much longer, I’m going to do something stupid.”
She placed a hand lightly on his arm. “Such as what? I hardly think you are capable of making any mistakes. You’re one of the smartest men I know.”
He laughed. “When it comes to you, I am a raving idiot.”
“I have no idea what that means.” She shook her head, wishing she understood more about men. “And how can you be an idiot when your insights are so profound and brilliant? You have no idea how greatly our talks have helped me. I’m so glad you were the one to read that book on love, for I would have gotten very little out of it with my mind as cluttered and skewed as it was. If I find happiness, it is all because of you.”
His expression turned serious suddenly. “Holly, is there a role for me in your future happiness?”
“A role? Good heavens, Joshua. Now, who is dense as a rock? You are and will always be the greatest part of my happiness. Is it not obvious?” She laughed as she glanced down at herself, at her drab gown and walking boots. “Well, my gowns still need improvement. But you have set this butterfly free. More precisely, so long as I am with you, I need never fear being trapped again.”
She shook her head. “Perhaps this does not make perfect sense. But knowing there is someone wise and brave to catch me if I should fall as I flit across that meadow, actually allows me to soar. Doesn’t it?”
He nodded. “I’m glad if I’ve been able to accomplish it.”
“So am I.” She wanted to toss her arms around his neck and kiss him until their lips were numb. He’d done so much for her in the short time they’d known each other. He saw things so clearly and had the most wonderful way of conveying his thoughts and opinions. No wonder the army appointed him as their liaison officer.
He had a thoughtful and inspirational way with words.
He was incredibly handsome, also.
Good looks, kindness, and intelligence. Did he realize how devastating he was to women? “Yes, there is a role for you if you wish it. But you are the one who may prefer another butterfly. There are hundreds out there, ones with wealthy, titled fathers. There is nothing and no one who could hold you back if you decided to marry one of those butterflies.”
He ran a hand across his nape. “There is no other for me, Holly.”
What was he suggesting? That she was the one he wanted? “Joshua, think hard upon what you tell me. I am the one who gains by an association with you.” She could not bring herself to mention the word marriage. “What do you possibly gain from me?”
“It isn’t a question of material gain. I am already connected to nobility through my family. As for wealth, the Braydens do not lack for it, and I have a tidy share of my own. What I lack is the happiness only a wife…the right woman to take as my wife…can bring.”
Heat rose into her cheeks. “Is it possible? Are you seriously contemplating marrying me? Joshua, is this the stupid and foolish thing you were worried about doing? Is this why we had to leave here and take our walk?”
“No, proposing to you is not the stupid thing I was contemplating. But with this door closed and no chaperone to interrupt us, I was thinking beyond merely kissing you. I wanted to kiss you and undress you. Touch and taste you.”
“Oh.” That sounded rather exciting and nice.
“The reason I bundled you up in your cloak and asked you to walk with me is that I needed us out in the open before my low brain urges took over. Damn it, Holly. Everything about you draws me to you.”
“Oh, Joshua. You’re drawn to me for all the wrong reasons. Don’t you see? I’m this helpless, damaged butterfly, and your protective instincts cannot be contained.”
He leaned forward and kissed her lightly on the lips, then drew back with a sigh. “I promised myself I wouldn’t do this. Let’s go. It isn’t my protective urges I’m worried about.”
He led her out, but they stopped by Ronan’s office to let Holly’s sisters and Violet know they were going for a walk. “We’ll go with you,” Violet said.
Ronan rose. “Me, too.”
Robbie strode in just then. “What did I miss?”
“We’re all going for a walk,” Heather said, to which Robbie responded that he’d join them.
“Great,” Joshua muttered.
Even though they were all now walking by the Thames, the others left them alone to talk. Holly listened in fascination as he continued to instruct her about the five senses, describing the power of each, especially when coupled with an awareness of the one person who could be their potential mate.
She ran through all these sensations in her mind, trying to absorb all he was saying. She loved his touch, so strong and reassuring. She loved the resonant timbre of his voice and his laughter. When he’d kissed her, the taste of his mouth on hers was heavenly. So was his scent, masculine and divine.
But she was overwhelmed by the beautiful sight of him, no doubt because she’d seen all of him t
he other night. Her heart still thrummed wildly at the mere thought of his naked splendor.
They had strolled eastward and now turned back toward Parliament. The others also turned back and were walking ahead of them, but Joshua purposely slowed his stride so that the two of them would continue to lag behind. “The next chapters in this book speak of connections that bind us, and our expectations when choosing our mate and building a life with this special person.”
“Oh, Joshua. I won’t be able to visit you tomorrow. Aunt Sophie is hosting tea, and we must be there. Would you be willing to stop by in the evening? Perhaps we could sit in a quiet corner.”
He laughed. “There is no such thing as a quiet corner in the Farthingale household.”
She nibbled her lip. “I suppose you’re right. I could sneak out again in the middle of the night. But that is dangerous. If I’m caught, there would be repercussions.”
“Such as my having to marry you? We can finish this next Saturday or Sunday. I’m not on duty then. My days are free. I’ll take you for a walk in the park. With a proper chaperone, of course. There’s also the invitation to my mother’s house.”
“Ah, for supper.”
“Yes, perhaps we’ll have a moment to speak quietly then.”
“Do you think it is possible? If I’m to understand you correctly, very little gets past the sharp-eyed Lady Miranda.”
He sighed. “That’s true. We’ll figure it out. In the meantime, would you mind if I gave you an assignment?”
“Not at all. What do you have in mind?”
“I’d like you to make a list of all the ways you feel we are connected. Just write whatever comes to mind. Make a separate list of your expectations concerning a husband and married life. Include children, if they are important to you.”
“They are. I think this was one of my greatest concerns when I realized Walter was never coming to my bed. I was young still and not in any hurry to have children, but as the months went by, it hit me harder. When Walter enlisted and later died, it hit me hardest of all. He was gone. There was nothing left of him.”