Allie hadn’t realized just how tired she was until Frank showed up. She felt like she could breathe again. Getting to spend some time at the creek nourished her soul. After Frank came in from talking with Pa, he kicked her out of the kitchen and sent her to bed. She protested at first of course, but knew he was right. She hadn’t slept well since she’d arrived. There was just too much to do.
Frank was plenty capable of handling all the house stuff and he could take better care of Ma than she could, so she conceded and went to bed. When she awakened, she realized she had slept all afternoon and it was the next day. Even with knowing how tired she was, that had still surprised her.
Ma hadn’t changed. She was holding steady in a deep sleep. All but Drew were taking their turn sitting and talking with her. Having a one-sided conversation was tough, so Allie usually either talked about past memories or read to Ma. Sometimes it seemed her breaths would strengthen with stories of the family’s good times. No one knew if she could hear them, but Frank encouraged them to continue. Doc Leman stopped by and agreed with Frank. The two of them caught up briefly before Doc headed to another house call.
Allie hated seeing her ma in this stage and wished she would go. The wait was like standing at the station, not knowing if or when your train was coming. It would be easier when it was over for Ma and everyone else. Allie knew for certain her ma wasn’t in any pain. She had even told her Ma that it was fine. That she could go and yet she didn’t. She wasn’t sure if she was waiting for something or if this was all involuntary.
Pa had spent time with Drew. He started by meeting him where he was up in his room. It was slow going, but after a while he was able to get him to play cards with him. After a couple of days Drew ventured outside and helped Pa in the fields.
Frank was concerned they were hiding out again, but Pa assured them that he was using the time to talk with Drew while he was able to hear him but have something physical to focus on as well. It helped him process everything. That was a big relief for Allie. She still wasn’t sure what to do where Drew was concerned.
Pa walked through the door and headed into their room where Ma lay sleeping. He had been coming in more often and spending time with her. Allie was thankful for that and for the one who made all that happen. Frank was a big help to all.
Allie was sitting at the table working on a puzzle. Frank’s parents had stopped in to see how things were going and brought the puzzle and a few other gifts. With Frank around her chore list was drastically reduced. He wouldn’t let her do too much. Instead he was handling all of the work and, while Allie appreciated what he was trying to do, she was needing to do something useful to feel like she was helping Ma.
The puzzle would suffice for now as a distraction, but she would need to talk to Frank soon if he didn’t let up on her restrictions some. Doing things helped her get through each day, and when she wasn’t doing anything, all she felt was numb. She was in a limbo of waiting for grief. She had spurts of it here and there, but with Ma still hanging on, she wouldn’t let herself dive fully into it.
“Frank, will you come in here? I need to speak to both you and Allie.”
Pa made his way from his room and to the table where Allie sat. They all took seats and Allie laid her puzzle piece down she had been working on.
“Now, first I need to apologize. I know I wasn’t much help to you Allie and I’m sorry about that.”
“It’s fine, Pa. I under…”
Pa held his hand up and she stopped.
“It’s not. I am your father and I have neglected those responsibilities.”
Allie and Frank glanced at each other before looking back at Pa postured straight as a plank, shoulders back and steady.
“Now, I should have talked all of this over with your mother while I had the chance. I thought that would make everything final then if I did. That I had lost hope. I see now that it wouldn’t have mattered. The end result will still be the end result regardless of what I did.”
Allie reached her hand across the table and placed it on top of Pa’s. She remained silent waiting for him to share all he wanted. Pa looked to give into the gesture and softened a bit.
He paused and took a deep breath.
“Now, I have wasted that opportunity and must make decisions fully on my own. I have decided that since it was always our joint decision to keep Drew with us and not place him in Warm Springs mental facility, he will remain with me. It will not be easy. I know that. I think it would be best for him to stay here in the only home he has ever known. He has a long way to go in understanding how his future will change but removing him from his surroundings would make it worse.”
Allie released a breath. She was prepared to speak with Frank about taking him, but now she wouldn’t have to.
“And Pa, I want you to know that should things change, and you are struggling,” she looked at Frank before continuing. “And as long as Frank is fine with it as well, you are both welcome to come to Wiley City.”
Frank nodded in agreement.
“Thank you, both, but I’m hoping we can work into a routine here and won’t need to move. Of course, when it’s my time to go,” he coughed. “Other arrangements will need to be made.”
“We will cross that bridge when it comes. Let’s get through this first,” Frank stated.
“I always thought I’d be going first. Life has funny ways of changing your plans. It all happens in His time, not in ours.” Pa stood and scooted his chair in. “I’m going to go back in and let your Ma know I had this conversation. She would like to know we have a plan. Then I’ll head back out to Drew.
At the same time, Drew walked through the door and headed to Ma’s room. Pa followed him and Allie could hear them talking outside her door.
“Pa, I’m going in. I want to talk to Ma. You stay here.” He pointed his finger in Pa’s chest, turned and walked through the door, closing it in Pa’s face.
“Well, I guess I’ll just be hanging out right here then,” Pa shrugged to Allie and Frank.
Drew hadn’t been in to talk with Ma since Allie arrived. She wasn’t sure if he did before then. What he wanted to say to her no one knew, but Pa was standing close to try and hear.
Drew wasn’t in long and didn’t stop to say anything to any of them before heading back outside. Allie did see the tear marks trailing down his cheeks before he slipped out. Pa went in to check on Ma. He was in there for a short time as Frank and Allie worked on the puzzle together really not sure what they should be doing.
“FRANK!” Pa shouted from the room.
Frank went running. Allie was hesitant to follow, but trailed after slowly. She stopped in the doorway.
“I was just talking to her. I told her my decision with Drew and after that she made a ragged breath and stopped.”
Frank walked to the edge of the bed and checked her over. Frank looked into Allie’s eyes and then to Pa’s for what needed no words. She was gone. He normally would just say that it was finished, they are gone, or something to that nature, but he found it hard to speak. He took the sheet and covered her head instead.
Pa just stood there and stared, a blank stare his mouth slightly open. Allie crumbled to the floor sobbing. Frank moved to Allie and met her where she was.
“She was just here and now gone. Why now?” Pa laid down next to her. He pulled the sheet back down and was stroking her hair. I just, I wanted to tell her more.” Pa buried his face in the sheets muffling his wavering voice.
Frank remained with Allie, holding her tight as she sobbed in his arms.
“She was going to go at any time. Maybe she was waiting for Drew to come in and say goodbye. Maybe she was waiting for you to reassure her you have a plan. Maybe it was just time. Maybe she put it in God’s hands today.”
They stayed that way for a few minutes before Pa got up realizing he needed to find Drew. He had a responsibility and he was going to see it through for his family. Drew needed to be told. He wasn’t sure how Drew would respond, but he
was ready to face it head on.
Pa found him in the barn. He didn’t know exactly how to tell him, so he just said it. Drew looked at him for a while standing still before speaking.
“Okay, thanks.”
Pa was stunned.
Okay, thanks? What did that mean?
“Drew, I’m not sure you understand.”
“Yes, I do. I’m not stupid. Ma’s body is dead. She’s up in heaven now, though, waiting for us. It’s okay. I thanked her for being a great Ma to me, told her goodbye, and gave her a hug and kiss.”
“Oh, Drew,” Pa wrapped him in a hug.
He still wasn’t sure if Drew completely understood that being gone meant she wouldn’t come back, but he wasn’t going to keep pressing him now. He would take this as it was and they would move on. Somehow.
CHAPTER 20
Ma’s funeral at their family church was standing room only. Allie sat in the front row instead of in their usual family pew. She was sandwiched between Drew and Frank. Pa sat on the other side of Drew, ready to react if need be. Drew behaved, though. He seemed to be taking all this the best out of the three of them.
Mr. Shirley, their pastor, stood at the head of the church in his best suit. Allie was sure he was giving a deep and meaningful eulogy, but she wasn’t able to focus on his words. Her eyes stared straight ahead at her Ma’s coffin that laid just beyond the pastor.
A nice floral arrangement was made and draped across it. Frank’s parents provided that. They were sitting on the other side of Frank. Blinne, George, and Lena were directly behind. Allie had all of her people surrounding her. All but Ma. She knew she had to move on with life. Tomorrow would come, just like it always had, and somehow, she had to figure out how to move forward. She was tired, a deep exhaustion she had never felt before.
The whole congregation and other town’s people who did not regularly attend this church were all in silent prayer before the pastor said his concluding remarks. People started making their way out of the packed church and into the yard where the women had pulled together a potluck.
They did this regularly, and Allie and her Ma took turns manning the tables. Allie wouldn’t be asked to do anything today. None of her family would be and neither would Blinne. Everyone knew they were more like sisters and she was mourning as well.
Allie stayed seated in the pew with Frank by her side. Pa and Drew had gone somewhere, Allie wasn’t sure where. Many people made their way to her. She remained sitting. She could hear the condolences as each person approached and she wanted to be nice and respond, but she couldn’t. Her mind wouldn’t let her body react. She sat frozen staring at the coffin. It was finished. After people were done eating they would leave and go about their business as though it was just another day.
Frank placed his hand on Allie’s shoulder to get her attention. Then he used that hand to gently lift her under her arm and held her hand with his other. She rose and together in silence they walked out to the potluck. She wouldn’t eat. She wanted nothing to do with any of this. She knew though as the daughter of the woman being laid to rest today, she was obligated to at least be present.
Blinne had dished a small plate for her. She knew Allie wouldn’t eat, so she gave her just a little to nibble on. She sat next to Blinne, who was feeding Lena small pieces of cut up fruit. Juice was running down her face and she was squealing with delight at the yummy treat, eager for more. Blinne was feeding her as fast as she could while making sure Lena wasn’t going to choke. Lena gave Allie a reason to smile and another reason to be sad. She needed to focus on something other than all this sadness.
Frank sat down next to Allie, his plate full. She glared at him, but quickly softened her features. She didn’t want to be upset with him. He was doing everything for her. She didn’t know how he could eat, though. She would rather throw up than eat.
“You really should try and eat, Allie,” Frank said between bites.
Allie glared at him in full now, not concerned about being upset with him. Didn’t he understand? She stood and quickly walked through the crowd, brushing against a few people as she moved through and away from everyone. A few people tried to stop her, but she shook free of them and continued on. Frank trailed behind her, but waited to stop her until they were away from the crowd out of earshot.
“Allie, wait.” They kept moving on at the same pace. “Allie, stop!”
Allie stopped, but kept her back facing Frank. Frank grabbed her shoulder and gently spun her around. She had tears streaking down her cheeks.
“Oh Allie, come here sweetheart.”
Frank tried to hug her, but she pushed him off and ran. Where she was running she didn’t know. She just ran. Frank turned and saw that everyone was staring. They were far enough away they couldn’t hear, but they could still see. Frank had decided to follow her instead of going back to the potluck when Drew approached.
“Frank, what did you say to her?” He crossed his arms.
“Drew, she’s upset. I could have said anything and she still would be upset. She was very close to your Ma. It’s going to take her some time.”
“I know that. I’m not stupid, Frank. I know I’m slow. I know I take a while to know things. I know I wasn’t always this way. I know Allie is hurting and I know why. You stay. I will go find her.” Drew left Frank standing there and pursued his sister.
Pa broke away from the crowd and towards Frank.
“What’s going on Frank?”
“Allie is upset. All I did was tell her she would need to eat sometime. I worry about her. Drew decided he needed to go find her.”
Pa took a deep breath.
“You go back to the potluck. Reassure everyone that everything is fine. Your parents and George and Blinne can help you. I will follow, but I’m going to let Drew talk to her. Those two always have had a special bond. Maybe he can calm her down. Maybe this is good for both of them”
Frank reluctantly made his way back to the church yard. He quickly spoke to his parents and Blinne. They, of course, agreed to tell people that everyone was fine. Allie just needed some air and she would be fine was the story they agreed to. The story moved around, but it was evident that several didn’t believe it.
She just lost her mother. She was entitled to an emotional outburst. He would protect her from here and let her be while making sure no one tried to follow. Frank ached to be by her side.
Allie kept running. She wasn’t sure where she was headed. Her body took over. Before too long she found herself at her creek behind her parents’ house. She tried to take a deep breath, but her lungs refused to fill. She fell to the ground and sobbed. She stayed that way for several minutes before she realized someone was there. Lifting her head and wiping her eyes to clear the blurriness the tears created, she realized Drew was watching her. She tried to speak to him, but all that came out was a wail. He crouched down next to her and held her while she cried more.
“Shhh, Shhh,” Drew repeated as he was patting her head. Allie was beginning to calm down.
“I’m ok, Drew. I’ll be okay,” she said through hiccups.
“It’s all right to feel sad, Allie. I’m sad, too.”
Allie wiped her tears with the sleeves of her dress,
“Yes, it is, Drew. I’m sorry you’re sad.”
She wished she could have a deep conversation with him again, like the ones before the horse accident damaged his mind. She missed her brother.
“Ma’s in heaven now. Pastor says that. He also says if I’m good I’ll go to heaven, too. That means I’ll be back with Ma. I will see her again and you can, too.” Drew stated proudly.
“You’re right about that.” Allie thought for a minute. “How did you find me?”
“That’s easy. This is where you go. This is your spot.” They both chuckled, Allie’s was a sad chuckle compared to Drew’s.
She stood and realized Pa was standing in the distance. Drew looked back to see what Allie was looking at and saw Pa, too. He walked over to them
“Oh, Pa, I’m sorry I left.” Allie felt a little embarrassed at the scene she must have caused.
“No need to apologize. It’s understandable.” Pa took both of his kids in his embrace.
“If you’re ready, we should probably walk back. We left a lot of people there and Ma.”
Allie’s jaw dropped. “Oh no. I didn’t think.”
“Your Ma will wait for us. I’m sure about that. We do need to get her in the ground though.” Pa was putting on a brave face, but inside saying those words crushed him. “Pastor Shirley is ready when we are for that part.”
The second part of the day would begin when most of the town’s folks left as this part was to be more intimate, just for close friends and family. They would move the coffin to the burial site where the hole had already been dug. Pastor would say a few more words and they would have one last goodbye before covering her up. That was the part Allie dreaded the most.
The three of them made their way back to find that many had already left. It seemed that Allie taking off was a cue for others to do the same. Frank met Allie and walked her the rest of the way. She gave him an apologetic look and he smiled softly back. She wasn’t sure what she did to deserve this man, but she sure was thankful for him.
They moved through the next steps with Frank glued to Allie’s side. She found herself sitting in a chair in the grass with a hole in front of her. Somehow her Ma had been moved and she vaguely remembered George, Drew, Frank, and a couple of other men carrying her out of the church.
Some moments of the day stuck out at her and slapped her across the face. Other moments seemed to move by without her paying attention. Pastor was saying a few words and read from the Bible, but his words seemed muted in her fog.
Pa stood and walked to the hole. He bent down and dropped his flower in. Drew followed and did the same. It was Allie’s turn next. She didn’t want to go. Going meant it was over.
Frank stood her up and her feet were moving beneath her. Before she realized it she was standing staring down in the hole. The coffin was there. Two flowers, red and white roses, were laying in odd angles on top. Frank was holding a flower, her yellow rose. Pa chose red to represent their love. Drew liked the white one. It was clean and Ma liked things clean. Allie chose the yellow that matched her Ma’s bedroom curtains and the ones she made for her home. Yellow. The color that brought a bit of happiness to both Allie and her Ma.
In His Time (Carried Through Chaos Book 2) Page 9