One year, three months, and four days to be precise, but she wouldn’t say that out loud. That she kept track was something she kept even from Jasper and her therapist. Surely that didn’t count as healthy behavior but oh the fuck well. Everyone had their vices, and that was hers.
She held her breath waiting for him to start stuttering all over himself, as if the extent of her grief required outsized condolences, as if a super big apology would in any way make up for her loss. Despite her initial reaction to him, she liked tree boy and it would hurt worse when he went all concerned supernova on her.
But he didn’t.
He looked her in the eyes and said softly, “I’m sorry.”
The intensity and the sincerity in his expression almost knocked her over. She’d thrown up all the walls around the grief whore approach and she didn’t see this one coming. It wedged its way into her soft tissues and even though it hurt, she didn’t want to pull it out. “Thank you.”
His eyes narrowed, and his nose and mouth screwed up in an almost comical fashion. “I suppose now would be a bad time to tell you I sat under your tree on purpose.”
No, it was perfect timing. “You did?”
“Yeah, I’ve seen you sitting there before. And around campus. I could never work up the nerve to talk to you. I figured if I sat there, sooner or later you’d come along and even if it was to yell at me for stealing your spot, you’d have to talk to me. But then I’d be all charming and you know, the rest would be history.”
“History, huh?”
“Ancient.”
She eyed tree boy suspiciously, unsure of how to handle him now. “Is this your version of charming?”
“I didn’t think I’d make you cry.”
“No actual tears were shed in the making of this meet-cute.”
He smiled at her then, and though the pain struck hard and fast, there was pleasure in it, too. Shouldn’t be surprising, she was a masochist after all. Why wouldn’t she fall for Gavin’s doppelganger?
“I’m Tyler, by the way. And you are?”
She held out a hand and he took it, the first time she’d wanted to touch someone other than Jasper in a long time. His hand, big and warm, didn’t disappoint her.
“Keyne. Spelled more like the economist than you know, and Abel.”
“K-e-y-n-e?”
“Got it in one.”
“Can I walk you back to your room?”
She looked around her. It was a beautiful day. They wouldn’t have too many like this left before it started to cool off and she wouldn’t be able to sit by her tree anymore.
“I’ve got some work to do actually. Would you be willing to call a truce on the tree? I think there might be enough room for both of us.”
His face lit up and for a second he reminded her so much of Gavin, she could picture him saying, “Yeah. C’mon, Tiki. You want a snack first? I’ll go make some popcorn.” Her heart would break in two and then she’d have to recant her offer, run back to the dorm and close the door in his face, lock the memories out, the good and the bad, because if she let one in they’d all come back. She wasn’t prepared to deal with that right now.
But Tyler wasn’t Gavin. He’d never call her Tiki. He wouldn’t instinctively know of her love for popcorn. He did however, make a decent offer. “Definitely. Let me carry your stuff.”
She handed over her canvas bag and he slung it over his shoulder. She pretended not to notice the hand he offered to her and which he not-so-smoothly stuck in his pocket when she didn’t take it. “So whatcha working on?”
***
Eight o’clock. His favorite time of day on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Sundays. Jasper sat with his laptop open, myriad files and tabs and programs waiting for his attention, but most of his mind was waiting for the phone to ring. Ring, dammit, ring. And just when he was going to lose his mind, it obeyed.
He waited two rings before he shuttled the handset from the cradle on his desk to his ear.
“Hello?”
Why did he answer that way? He knew it was her. He should say, “Keyne, my love, I’ve been waiting for your call. I miss you, when are you coming home again?”
But he was a stupid, stubborn fucker, so “hello” it was.
“Hi, Jasper.”
He pictured her curled up on her single bed. He’d offered to get her an apartment off campus, anywhere she wanted. It was technically required for first years to live on the quad, but there were always ways around that kind of requirement. But she’d eventually said she wanted to stay in the dorms. It would make her feel less alone.
Would she be staring at the ceiling or clutching that raggedy Peter Pan doll of hers? She’d shoved it in the closet when he’d moved her in, but he’d given it two days, three tops, before the thing made its way onto her bed, even if it ended up tucked under her pillow.
“How are you, sweetheart?”
“Fine.”
Her answer tweaked something inside him. Any man could tell you when a woman says she’s fine she’s not, but if it were something with her classes or a friend, she would tell him. If he wasn’t telling her, it was something much bigger. He was tiptoeing through a leafy jungle, waiting for something to jump up and bite him in the ass.
“Are you sure?”
There was a pause and he unsheathed his mental machete. Psychic bushwhacking, not his favorite. He knew he shouldn’t, but he couldn’t help it. He put a little Dom into his voice. “Tell me.”
“I . . . I met a boy.”
Jasper’s stomach dropped. A boy? It’d been almost a month of her complaining about how horrid the guys on campus were—he believed “smelly, ugly, dirty, and stupid” was a direct quote—and now she’d met a boy? But this was what he’d wanted, wasn’t it? For her to experiment, for her to see what it would be like to be with someone her own age, who wasn’t such a pervert? Of course, he’d also wanted her to try it and come back to him. He’d be able to sleep at night with her curled in his arms and his cuff around her ankle if he’d given her the choice. But now that it was happening . . .
He wrestled his voice into steadiness. “What’s his name?”
“Jasper, we don’t have to do this. I don’t want—”
“You’ve always been able to tell me anything. You can tell me about him. What’s this”—scrawny, punk ass, know-nothing piece-of-shit who better keep his paws to himself—“guy named?”
She sighed. “Tyler.”
“Did you meet him in class?”
“No, he’s a junior. We don’t have any of the same classes. I met him on the quad. He stole my tree.”
A nasal laugh escaped Jasper. Yes, her tree. She’d described it so vividly, he could picture her lounging beneath it with her books.
“That inconsiderate ass. How could you go out with someone who would commit such a heinous crime?”
“We haven’t gone out.” He waited for it, not stepping on her words. “Yet.”
“Well, be safe when you do.” Remember everything I taught you. Don’t put yourself in danger. Be careful. I’ll die if something happens to you.
“I will, I promise.”
He stomped on the “good girl” trying to weasel its way out of his mouth. If she wanted to go on a date, good. He steered them onto other topics and she told him about her classes, her neighbors.
For a girl who’d done so many filthy things, she sure found the comparatively mild sexual tastes of her fellow co-eds shocking. But he had to remind himself once again: for all the dirty things he’d done to her, she’d been with him and with Gavin and that was it. Hookups wouldn’t make sense to her; sex was not a casual act.
They’d talked about slut-shaming, and how just because her classmates weren’t making the same choices she was didn’t make them wrong. She knew, but she had a hard time imagining what that might be like. It made him want to ru
ffle her hair and shake her at the same time, but he’d just keep repeating himself and she’d learn to not sound so reflexively judgmental.
She told him she had to go, she had some studying to do before bed.
“I miss you.”
“I miss you, too, Tinker Bell. I’ll talk to you day after tomorrow.”
He waited for the subtle sound that would say she’d disconnected the call, but it didn’t come. “Jasper, promise me you won’t go crazy.”
“Crazy about what?” Even he wasn’t convinced by his faux-innocent tone.
“I know you’re going to start doing background checks or whatever. Please don’t.”
Shit. Well, he couldn’t unsend that email to Deja, but he could send another one telling her not to bother. If he had to. “I just want to make sure he’s not an ax murderer, that’s all. I swear, I won’t look for anything deeper.”
“No, Jasper. Tyler is a nice guy, and you need to let me do this. Without you. I know consent is important to you, and I’m telling you outright: I don’t consent to this.”
One of these days he was going to grind his teeth together so hard they’d crack. Today might be that day. He’d taught his little pixie too well and now she knew all his soft spots.
“Fine. But you’ll let me know if you change your mind.”
“I won’t.”
Yeah, he was well aware of that. He’d never worried she’d regret the tattoo she’d asked to get because she was that stubborn. “Yeah, I know. All right, sweetheart. I love you, and I’ll talk to you Tuesday. Be good.”
***
This was the worst idea in the history of ideas.
“And what do you propose to do with a major in astronomy?”
She winced. That was something she liked about Tyler. He could tell her about the stars, like Gavin had. The more time she spent with him, the more he reminded her of Gavin, actually. Which was maybe disturbing, but not a shock given her previous choices of romantic partners. Another entry in the freak show that was her dating life. If you could even call it that.
“Jasper—”
“No, no,” Tyler chided her, laying his hand over hers and stroking the back of her wrist with his thumb. “It’s a fair question.”
“Fair” was not what Jasper was interested in. A million tiny clues said he was livid though he was trying to keep it under wraps; the twitch of his eyebrow, the vein that pulsed in his temple, the flex of his jaw. And Tyler putting his hand on her . . . that made it worse. Much worse.
She fisted her free hand in the fabric of her skirt under the table cloth, her eyes darting back and forth between the two of them. This was the weirdest and most uncomfortable thing she’d ever done, and that was saying something.
Tyler shrugged. “My parents always said do what makes you happy until you can’t afford to anymore. I’ve taken a bunch of classes that should get me into business school when I’m done here, but I like astronomy.”
Jasper grunted his begrudging approval. “Keyne said you lost your parents a few years ago. My condolences.”
“Thanks. It’s been rough without them, but you know how it is. A whole table of orphans right here.”
One of the other things she liked about Tyler. He understood her loss in a way not many other people could.
They managed to make it through dinner without any truly uncomfortable moments, but at the end, despite Tyler having kept a hold on her hand through much of the meal, she felt a pull to leave with Jasper instead. And judging by the dark look on Jasper’s face when she and Tyler said good-bye and headed the opposite way down the New Haven sidewalk, he felt the same way.
***
Jasper slammed the door so hard the glass rattled and the frame shook. He wouldn’t have been surprised if the whole house collapsed in a pile of rubble around him. That would be great. For his house to be as wrecked as he was inside. Why had he agreed to go to dinner with Keyne and her . . . her boyfriend? He spat the word in his head like it was the filthiest word he could think of. Right now, it was. God he hated that guy. So much.
He stalked through the hallway, glad Ada wasn’t around to see him like this or to ask any questions. The thing was, he knew he was acting crazy but he couldn’t stop. At least he’d managed to hold his tongue and keep his hands in check when he’d been with her. It was his own problem, and though she must’ve known he wasn’t happy, hopefully he hadn’t ruined her evening. Or even Tyler’s.
Watching him touch her had been agony. And the worst part was, he liked the kid. If he were a rational human being, Tyler would’ve been the kind of guy he’d want Keyne to be with. Smart, hard-working, articulate. Not bad-looking, and the money didn’t hurt.
Keyne was tough and would say she didn’t care about the money but he was more practical. Creature comforts mattered. And while she had her own trust that should do for her whole life, he’d take as much padding for her as he could get. Keyne had other demons to deal with that took up too much headspace to spare for matters of staying alive.
She could learn how to be a weed, scrambling and clawing to survive, but he liked her better as a hothouse flower. His hothouse flower. Of course, he was also bound and determined to make sure she could fend for herself and be fine on her own should she decide to be without him, so maybe more like a Venus flytrap.
He raged through his bedroom and closet wanting to rip everything in his path to shreds, let the fire inside him consume everything until there was nothing left but a pile of ash, but then he’d have nothing left to offer her in addition to being a demanding, sadistic bastard.
The way he touched her . . . Jasper’s brain melted into a roiling pool of lava. Tyler had touched her. In front of him. And the way he was so gentle, so solicitous. Is that what Keyne wanted? What she needed? He hadn’t thought so. But Gavin had been that way, hadn’t he? She’d loved him with all her heart. Maybe that’s what this was. She was homesick for Gavin and Tyler would do the trick. His brand of kinky fuckery might be no match for nostalgia.
He jammed the water of the shower on and only managed to get his coat off, getting it caught at his elbows because he was that discombobulated, so perturbed he couldn’t slow down enough to remove the rest of his clothes. He had to put out the incendiaries in his head. Had to, and he was thinking so unclearly that the only way to do it was to stand under the freezing cold drops, and let the literal water douse the virtual flames in his head.
It was times like this he regretted his promise to Keyne. But she’d only asked him the one thing when he’d asked her for so many. He couldn’t begrudge her that even if he’d love to beat the shit out of someone and then fuck them until morning. Wear out this rage and angst on someone else until he’d spent it all.
The water falling from the showerhead finally caught his attention. Fuck, it was freezing. He loosened the tie around his neck and leaned against the wall.
Goddammit. He was going crazy. Motherfucking insane. If this was what she could do to him, maybe it was a good thing for her to find someone else. He couldn’t be losing his shit like this every time she met someone new. He’d never survive. What the fuck had he been thinking?
He undid the top button of his shirt and let the water stream over him. While he was enjoying the penance in a sick way, he had no desire to catch hypothermia so he turned it warmer, but not so warm it was pleasant. He needed his wits back and being uncomfortable was a surefire way to make sure his thoughts didn’t drift off. No, he needed a reminder.
He went through the script he’d written for himself. It wouldn’t be right for you to keep her for the rest of her life. She needs to know what’s out there and if she still chooses you when it’s all over, then you can have her with a clear conscience. And if you can’t have her, then it was never meant to be. More than anything, you have a responsibility to keep her safe and happy. If that’s not with you you’d best suck it the fuck up.
Reminding himself of why things had to be this way calmed him. Keyne had looked happy with Tyler. Nervous, sure, but that had been his fault. She could read him far too well and she must’ve been able to tell how hard that was on him.
He’d call her tomorrow and apologize, tell her Tyler seemed like a good man. His jaw clenched and he punished himself by flicking the water colder again. He could condition himself to be less of an asshole about this, right?
Managing to strip the rest of his clothes, he left them in a heap on the shower floor. Ada could clean it up tomorrow. Tonight, he needed to jack off and then go the fuck to sleep.
Chapter Twenty-seven
October
She giggled and squirmed. “Tyler, that tickles.”
“Stay still or I’ll mess it up.”
His hand wrapped around her rib cage, pushed her into the mattress. A small noise escaped her. Yes, she liked being pushed facedown into the bed. But that wasn’t Tyler’s thing. He was always gentle with her, always tender. It made her miss Jasper. How if he had her in this position—topless and facedown in a pile of pillows— he would’ve yanked her pants down, trapping her thighs together, tipped her ass up and plowed into her.
Not Tyler.
His fingers spread over her ribs as he pressed the marker into her back. He’d said the freckles on her back looked like the stars in the sky, like if he tried hard enough, he’d be able to find constellations in them. The idea was ridiculous, but he’d wanted to test his theory and here they were.
While she lay there, he drew a few more lines and leaned back to survey his masterpiece. He made one more line before he kissed her between her shoulder blades.
“All set. You want to see?”
“Of course I want to see. You’ve had a Sharpie on and off my back for an hour. I want to make sure you didn’t draw Black Widow back there.”
He smacked her butt and she rolled her eyes. Casual, intentionless smacks. That’s all she’d gotten for the past month. What she wouldn’t give for a spanking.
His Custody Page 27