And talking to Keyne hadn’t made him feel any better. Guilt gnawed at him that she’d panicked when she couldn’t reach him. And panic was what her yelling had been covering up. Ugh, the yelling. His head was still pounding from it. Girl had some lungs on her.
She’d been right about one thing though. He needed his bed. But first, a shower, a change of clothes, and if he could stomach it, some food.
He left without saying good-bye to Ryan. He would text him later. Luckily, his car was still parked in the driveway, and his keys had been on the counter. This was not the worst bender he’d ever gone on, though the aftermath was proving worse than he remembered. Apparently getting royally fucked-up and having nothing to show for it the next day but a smile and a few sick stories was a game for younger men than him.
On his drive home, he couldn’t help but play his conversation with Keyne over and over in his head. And the more he thought about it, the sicker he felt. He’d made her a promise, and he’d broken it. Yes, it had only been a few minutes until he could call her back, but the reality was he didn’t remember half of what had happened while he was messed up. He could’ve—and probably had—done some really dangerous shit that could have got him hurt or killed. And then what would Keyne have done?
His stomach lurched and he had to pull over. There on the side of the Merritt Parkway, he puked up his guts for the second time in as many hours, but this time it wasn’t from the alcohol or from the drugs. It was there, leaning over a low wood guardrail that he swore never again. He’d keep his promise to Keyne if it was the last thing he did. Whether she ended up with Tyler or some other guy, or whether she came back to him, it didn’t matter. He’d be the man she believed him to be. He would.
So standing there on the side of the road as the expensive cars whizzed past, he made an emergency appointment with his therapist, and he looked up the closest and soonest AA meeting. When he was through, he felt calmer, clearer. Plans always stopped the boat of his mind from rocking so damn hard. He’d get his shit together with some much needed help, and then he’d wait.
Chapter Twenty-eight
October
He’d been trying to sort this business plan out all day. It was one of the do-gooder firms he’d been looking into acquiring since Keyne ripped him a new one about his investments in the clothing manufacturing sector. He’d promised her and he wanted to be worthy of her. If she ever came back.
Jasper swore at the screen and slammed his laptop shut. Maybe he should go to the gym. Or maybe out for a run. He was going to be in awfully good shape for her when she came back. If he didn’t run and/or starve himself to death first. If she came back. The thought of that gel-headed fuckwad putting his slimy paws all over her . . .
Yeah he needed to get out. Desperately.
He threw his clothes on the bed and bent down to tie on his running shoe. His phone buzzed and he nearly left it until he got back—business could wait—but the pathetic hope it was Keyne calling to apologize or even to yell at him more made him dig it out of his pocket. It wasn’t Keyne, but it was Alice.
Hesitating, he stared at the blinking screen. Alice didn’t usually call him. He saw her at the gym almost every day now, so it must be something that couldn’t wait. Which meant trouble. Maybe at the gym, maybe at the club, but wherever she needed him, he’d be there. She’d done so much for Keyne, and, grudgingly, he had to admit for him as well. He could at least answer the damn phone.
“Alice, darling, what is it?”
An hour later, Alice and Leisl were on his doorstep with a very sorry-looking Keyne between them. The apologetic, abject kind of sorry, because otherwise she looked . . . mouthwatering. Over the knee black boots with a strip of pale thigh between the edge of the leather and black sequined tap pants. Over that was a military drab jacket embroidered with bright flowers he recognized as Leisl’s, but he could only imagine what was under it. Plus her hair was blown out, teased up and she’d refreshed the pink streak.
If he weren’t so concerned, he’d want to fling her over his shoulder and drag her back to his bedroom. But Alice and Leisl hadn’t escorted Keyne home after a few too many at a bar. No, Alice had called him from a kink club two towns over from New Haven where she’d been summoned to get Keyne, who’d tried to weasel her way into the club by dropping Alice and Leisl’s names. They hadn’t let her in, not being convinced by her fake ID or her story, but they had called Alice. And now the lot of them were standing out in the chilly fall air.
“Come on in, ladies.”
Alice shook her head as she nudged Keyne forward. “We’re actually going to head out.”
Emotions rioted in his head. He’d counted on having a buffer of some sort because he wasn’t sure what the fuck he should do with Keyne. Tangle was not a nice club and he didn’t know enough of their membership to feel good about her having gone there. At least they’d had the sense to call Alice instead of letting her in. But what if they hadn’t? What if she’d walked in there looking like she did?
He trusted her, knew she could take care of herself, and she should wear whatever the fuck she wanted, but he also knew how overwhelmed a person could get. Club culture took some getting used to, and if you were doing your best to fit in . . . it could feel like there was pressure. Pressure to talk to people, pressure to play. Or play harder. And they wouldn’t know her the way he did. Her triggers or her hot buttons, her unspoken signals, or how when she said “keep me,” she needed to be loved right away and without reservation. No one else would know that.
“Thanks, Alice. Leisl.” They offered small waves as they headed back to Alice’s car, and he slung an arm around Keyne shoulder to lead her into the house. Once inside, she ducked out of his hold and stood there with her hands knotted in front of her, fingers white with wringing.
She looked up at him, eyes wide and mouth pinched with guilt. “Are you mad at me?”
Was he? No, anger wasn’t what was souring his stomach, making him wish he could puke and be rid of the sick, churning sensation. “I’m not mad, Keyne. Just . . . worried. What were you thinking?”
Her jaw flexed and she scowled. “I was thinking that I was following your instructions. I broke up with Tyler because it wasn’t working.”
The caveman in the back of his brain was doing a victory dance, which was downright absurd, but he managed to keep a straight face. He definitely couldn’t say he was sorry about that, although he ought to be.
“I—”
“Don’t say you’re sorry, because you’re not.”
“No, I can’t honestly say that I am. But I am sorry it didn’t work out. I truly, with everything I am, with everything I have, want you to be happy. And if Tyler wasn’t going to do that, then it was probably good for you to end things.”
“But that’s the thing, Jasper. I know what would make me happy. It’s standing right in front of me. And I know you have all these fancy rationales as to why I shouldn’t have you, but . . .”
Her chin wrinkled and he realized she was shaking. “Sweetheart, are you cold?”
She nodded, hugging herself. “This isn’t exactly the warmest outfit. Or the most comfortable shoes.”
No, he couldn’t imagine they were, not with a heel like that. “Why don’t we go get you changed, then?”
“‘Kay.”
***
Though she wanted desperately for him to undress and dress her himself, he didn’t. Just shooed her into the bathroom to take a shower. He did however lay out some clothes for her in the closet. Leggings, fuzzy socks, a tank top and hoodie. She pulled them on, feeling held by him, relishing the feel of the fabric on her skin if this was the only thing he’d give her.
When she was done, she found a note saying he was in the library, and she could join him when she was ready. The walk down the hall seemed too long, but that was probably just the dread stretching it out. She expected to find him perched by
the wet bar, drink in his hand, but he was sitting on the enormous leather couch in front of the fire, staring into the flames. As she rounded the couch, she took the opportunity to study his face. God, she loved the strong lines of him. Steady and sharp, there was nothing subtle about his features. Square jaw, sloped brow bone, even his generous mouth looked like it had been carved from stone.
She could’ve stared at him forever, memorizing the sight to take back with her to New Haven and think about when she was lonely and wishing for him. But of course that wasn’t what she was here for. Not even turning to face her, he patted the space next to him on the couch.
“Come sit with me, Tinker Bell.”
She wanted to say no, but she wanted more to be close to him, so she sat where he’d patted and sighed when his arm curled around her shoulders. Heavy, and, like whenever she felt his weight, comforting.
“I owe you an apology.”
That was unexpected. “For what?”
“For the way I’ve gone about this. You have to believe me that I’ve only ever wanted the best for you. I know I’ve screwed up countless times, and I’m damn lucky that you’re so resilient, because not everyone would’ve made it through what you have. And not scraped by, but honestly flourished. I’m so proud of the person you’ve become. I love how smart and hard-working you are, how loyal, and even though it drives me up a goddamn wall sometimes, I even love that you’re so stubborn. And along with all those things, there are some much less honorable reasons I love you. You’re beautiful, sexy as hell, and kinky as fuck in the most delightful ways. And I . . .”
He paused to scrub a hand over his face, and though she was aching for him to, he still didn’t meet her eyes. “I never meant to make you feel any less than that. I never meant for you to feel unloved or unsafe, and I sure as hell didn’t mean for you to walk into some club, surrounded by strangers because you were chasing what I was withholding from you. So I’m sorry, and I’ll fix this, I swear.”
She wanted more than anything for him to know how much she loved him; she didn’t care what anyone else thought, she wanted to be with him forever and not have to hide anymore. So she crawled into his lap and put her arms around him, leaning in to kiss him, a gentle sweet thing that he returned, taking her lead.
“Jasper?” She murmured his name against his lips and it made her eyes water. Over and over in her head she said his name, would say it over and over out loud when he’d fallen asleep that night. Jasper. That’s what her heartbeat would say after she’d fallen asleep, that’s what her breathing would whisper when she couldn’t keep her eyes open any longer. Jasper.
“Yeah?”
She threaded her fingers through the close-cropped hair at his neck. She wished it were long enough to hold, but it slipped through, so she petted him. Stroke after stroke her fingertips glided across his soft hair. “Will you marry me?”
He stiffened underneath her and she held her breath, but still her pulse beat in her ears. Jasper, Jasper.
“Of course I will, Tinker Bell. Of course I will.”
“Now?” She knew he would after she graduated, but she wasn’t finished yet. She wouldn’t be for three-and-a-half years and she didn’t think she could wait that long.
He laughed, a little huff that shook a tear free from her eye. “Not now. I was serious when I said I wanted you to finish school first, and I was dead serious when I said I wanted you to have an out.”
“But—”
He hushed her with a finger over her lips, one she couldn’t help but kiss and nip. He shook his head in an affectionate admonition. “Wicked little pixie. What I was going to say is that if you never decide to take it, that’s fine. I’m not going to be such a stupid fuck and push you away again. So here’s the deal. Until the day you graduate, I belong to you. I will be faithful, I will be committed. I’m not going to sleep with anyone else, I won’t play with anyone else. All of me is yours. You, on the other hand, are free to do as you choose. Fuck as many people as you like, go to a club to play with whomever as long as you go with Alice or Leisl. If someone asks you on a date and you want to go? Go. As long as you’re safe, you may do as you like.”
She wanted to tell him she didn’t want any of that, she only wanted him, but he stopped her with a smile, a small tick up of the corner of his lip that made him look devious and shy at once. “And if you never do, then you never do. You can be with me whenever you like, and you can decide how. If you want me to master you? I will. If you just need someone to talk to? I will listen. For the next three-and-a-half years, I am at your disposal.”
“And what happens at the end? When I graduate?”
All bashfulness melted away and that look of greed she loved so well colored his features, making her shiver with delight. “Unless you’ve decided otherwise, I’m putting a ring on your finger and never letting you go. And then as faithful and devoted as I’ve been to you, you will be to me.”
I already am.
But if he needed the security blanket of giving her choices, she’d let him have it. If it were really just a matter of rings and a piece of paper, what did it matter? He was giving her everything she was asking for, some things she wasn’t, and only requesting a token for himself in return. She could do that, and she would, for him, though it seemed so far away. She’d have to be satisfied with all the other ways he would possess her.
Cupping her jaw and stroking her cheek, he held her away to look in her eyes, and she felt as though he were not only seeing into her, but baring himself to be seen as well. “Do you want me to move to New Haven while you finish school?”
“No. I need you to move to New Haven. Please.”
Jasper grabbed a fistful of her hair and pulled, forcing a gasp from her which quickly turned into a moan. “How can I say no to this face?”
“You say no to me all the time.”
“Because you need me to, yes?”
“Yes.” She did. She needed him to say yes, say no, say he loved her, and that she was his.
“Yes what, sweetheart?”
“Yes, Master.” With those words, she felt kept, and she would whisper them just as surely as she rubbed the star of her bracelet when she needed him.
Settling against him, she curled into her favorite spot, her head on Jasper’s shoulder, his arm wrapped around her. He held her for minutes as they looked into the licking flames of the fire, his heart beating reassuringly under her ear. Which meant when he took a deep breath, she could feel it.
“Keyne?”
“Yeah?”
“I wanted to tell you . . .” She stroked the hard planes of his abdomen through the cotton of his T-shirt and tried her best not to hold her breath. It was fine. He’d already said he’d keep her, he was going to marry her, and they could be together forever in the way they were meant to be. Anything outside of that was details, so why did it make her heart beat unpleasantly fast? “Since you’ve been gone, I started seeing a therapist.”
“Okay?” Why? She hoped he wasn’t still being eaten alive by guilt about wanting to be with her. And if that was the issue that the doctor would help him and not make him feel like a monster.
She heard him swallow, and waited. For all the times he’d been so achingly patient with her, she waited.
“The thing is, I never dealt with what happened to our parents, to Gavin. I put off my grief because I couldn’t handle that and your grief at the same time.”
She went stiff under his arm, guilt curdling in her stomach and slithering through her nervous system, cold fingers of regret. But he stroked her arm, kissed her hair and nuzzled the top of her head. God she loved that, and it helped. She hoped it made him feel better too, to have someone to hold onto.
“I don’t regret it for a second, and I don’t want you to, either. I would do the same thing over again because you needed me to. But burying all of that forever is untenable. And if I w
ant to be good for you in the long run—and I assure you I’m not going anywhere—then I need to work through some of it, and I can’t do it by myself. I also . . . I started going to AA because I can’t honestly call myself a casual user anymore. I controlled it for a long time, but I don’t feel so in control of it anymore and I need to be.”
Oh, Jasper. That had to be excruciating for him to admit—he couldn’t handle everything by himself, he felt out of control, he needed help. And for him to describe himself as grieving, well. She held him as tightly as she dared and closed her eyes to keep the tears from leaking out between her lids. This one time, she wouldn’t burden him with her tears.
“I think that’s a good idea. And I’m proud of you and grateful you’re doing it. You’re a good man, and this will only make you better. I love you.”
He squeezed her back and his chest rose beneath her head. Hopefully he was filling his lungs with not just air, but pride and pleasure, too. She wanted to do for him as he’d done for her so many times, and say the words he needed to hear, the ones that helped him get through the day. She must have done okay, because he tipped her chin up so he could look in her eyes and with the most heart-squeezing look of devotion, said, “I love you, too, Keyne. Always and forever.”
Epilogue
Three-and-a-Half Years Later
Their wedding was this gorgeous, excessive thing, he made sure of it. Held a month after Keyne graduated from Yale, it was completely over-the-top, meant to be the social event of the season.
She was going to be his, and he was going to shout it from the rooftops. Show everyone they weren’t ashamed. Let the bastards talk. They would anyway. And if they were going to, they were going to say—along with all the unkind speculations—that the Andersson-O’Connells knew how to throw a damn good party.
If anyone thought he was the domineering one in their relationship, they’d be hard-pressed to say so in regards to wedding planning. He’d tried to get her to push it back at least to the fall or later in the summer so she could focus on her schoolwork, but she wouldn’t hear of it. He’d even threatened her with punishment if she didn’t keep her grades up, but she wouldn’t budge. She’d pleaded with her professors to grade her exams early and she’d be graduating with honors. Because of course she would.
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