by Brandon Witt
He didn’t have a home. And looking at the information in front of him, the one they’d been in wasn’t big enough by their standards. He tried to stay calm. He knew she was one of the many things standing between him and the kids. “Can you at least tell me where they are now?”
She looked genuinely apologetic when she said, “I’m sorry, sir. Even if I had their location, I wouldn’t be able to tell you at this point. We need all your information and the proper forms filled out first.”
He’d been fighting half his life to keep the kids safe and fed, but now it all boiled down to filling out the right forms.
“Thanks,” he said as he stood up.
WHEN TOMMY decided it was time to call Bobby, he remembered he was still out of minutes on the prepaid cell phone. He ducked into the 7-Eleven and bought the cheapest card they had, but when he went to load the minutes, his battery was dead. The charger was a melted pile of plastic somewhere inside the charred remnants of their house. Tommy had never felt more like screaming in rage at his shit luck. All he had to his name was a worthless phone, the clothes on his back, and about twelve dollars in his wallet.
He needed to sit down somewhere quiet and fill out the stacks of forms he had folded under his jacket. He needed to find a way to make a lot more money and get a pretty goddamn big house and figure out how to speed up the process of getting the kids back with him. Seventy-two hours for a visit and up to a year to get them back? This was like a nightmare. He didn’t know where else to go, so he headed back to Gene’s. Tommy knew Gene didn’t go in to work until the lunchtime rush, and he could at least use the phone there to call Bobby.
If he ever found his balls.
TOMMY WAS stepping off a curb when a cruiser passed him by. The cop driving didn’t look familiar, but he did a double take at Tommy and then pulled out a cell phone. Tommy didn’t think much of it at the time, but about fifteen minutes later, when Tommy was less than three blocks from Gene’s apartment, a shiny black Mustang came to a screeching halt, kicking up ice and sand next to Tommy on the sidewalk.
The door opened, and Tommy could see Bobby leaning over the passenger’s seat.
“Get in,” he said sharply.
Tommy was about to apologize for not calling. He wanted to explain about the phone and about what he’d dealt with that morning, but when he opened his mouth, Bobby pulled back and put his hands on the wheel. “Get in the goddamn car, Tom.”
Bobby didn’t have to tell him again.
THE HEAT in the car was on full blast as Tommy slid into the leather seat and closed the passenger door. Bobby tore away from the curb and pulled a U-turn in the middle of the frozen street. The chains on the tires chewed through the snow like an overzealous lawnmower on fresh grass.
Tommy tried to speak again, but Bobby put his hand up to stop him. His jaw was working overtime, and Tommy could see the muscles and a vein in his neck throb. Bobby was ready to explode.
“There are so many things I need to say to you, I don’t even know where to begin.”
Bobby’s words were short, clipped syllables that he spat at Tommy.
“Never in my life have I been so pissed off at a person. And that includes the guy that shot me!” He slammed his fist on the steering wheel and pointed at Tommy. “Do you have any idea— No, do you even give a shit what you’ve put me through in the last day and a half?”
That hurt. He could see how Bobby might read his actions as not caring, but it still sucked to hear it. “Yes, I’m sorr—”
“Shut up, Tom. It’s time for the grown-up to talk.”
Okay, Tommy had felt bad for how he’d handled things, but that was a toe over the line, even if he had been the one in the wrong. “Look, if you’re gonna be an asshole, I can just hop out and get on with things, Bobby.”
Bobby swung into the parking lot of a grocery store and double-parked near the back. He turned to Tommy. “Oh no you don’t. You don’t get to just storm off again.”
Tommy was about to tell him that he didn’t exactly pitch a fit and stomp off without dessert. His whole life had been shredded before his eyes, and he was trying to wrap his head around it.
Bobby seemed to read his thoughts, and he softened his tone. “I get it, Tom. I get that you were freaking out and devastated, I do.” He took a deep breath. “I’ve even tried to understand why you pushed me away, but honestly, if you would’ve just listened to me, you might have saved us both some grief.”
Tommy sank down farther into the seat. “Why? Because you’ve got it all figured out already? You’ve worked out some grand scheme to get shit back under control?”
“You know,” Bobby said slowly, like he was making a decision. “I’ll just let you twist. You can figure it all out on your own and do it all your way, because I’ll be damned if I’m going to be the one you blame for anything.”
He could’ve left then. Tommy knew he could get out of the car and walk away for good, let it all end right there in an icy parking lot. But the bitter truth was, all he wanted was to rest his head on Bobby’s shoulder and let some of his anguish wash away. The reality of loving someone was never clearer to Tommy than in that moment. They were a mess together, they fought, and they butted heads over everything from what to have for dinner to what to do in the long run. But Tommy loved him so much the idea of losing him hurt almost as much as the very real pain he felt over losing the kids. There were times when the right thing to do was to cut your losses and save everyone a lot of heartache, but this wasn’t that time. This was the time to dig his heels in and fight to the bloody end, and Tommy knew it.
“I don’t blame you for anything, Bobby.” He didn’t look at Bobby, but he hoped he was listening. “None of this shit is your fault.”
Bobby was silent for a long minute, and then he asked, “Would you still say that if I told you I was the one who called the kids in?”
Tommy jerked his head up, and he glared angrily at Bobby. “Do you wanna explain that?”
Bobby laughed, but it wasn’t a happy sound. “I’ve been trying to since I called the pub Saturday night.”
Tommy waited, but he felt like maybe he’d been wrong a moment ago. Maybe Bobby and this disaster of a relationship weren’t worth pissing on, let alone fighting for.
“Even now, all these months later, you still don’t trust me, do you?” Bobby asked.
The pain in his expression lanced through Tommy’s anger and his fear and, yes, even his distrust. “I’m tryin’ like hell, but you saying something like that doesn’t make it easy.”
“Fair enough,” Bobby said softly.
It took him so long to say anything else Tommy thought Bobby might just leave it there.
Bobby chewed the inside of his cheek as he sat in silence before saying, “That night, I was second on the scene. The kids were already out of the house when I got there. I made sure they were all right, counted them eighteen times before I did anything else. Max and Zoe were scared out of their minds, Carrie couldn’t stop crying. They didn’t need to stand there and watch the house go up like that, Tom.”
Tommy closed his eyes against the images Bobby painted for him. It hurt like hell to think of them going through it, and he’d probably never forgive himself for not being there that night. Bobby went on as Tommy tried to listen and not let himself get swallowed in regret.
“I knew I could let someone else handle it, but I called a friend down at Family Services. She promised me she could come down to the station and that she’d sit on the kids until I made a few calls.”
“Calls to who?” Tommy asked, confused.
“My mother, for starters. She’s still certified for foster care, Tom. She’s already been through all their bullshit and red tape.”
Tommy had thought of that, but he didn’t know people could simply step up in situations like theirs. He didn’t know it could be taken care of with a few phone calls and a few favors. Though, he realized now what Bobby had meant about Tommy just listening to him.
�
�Have they been with Judy this whole time?”
Bobby looked at him with an expression that clearly read Finally, dumbass.
“Like I said, if you would’ve listened to me from the start instead of getting shitfaced drunk yesterday, I could’ve told you.” At the question he must have read in Tommy’s eyes, Bobby said, “Gene’s a great guy, but he’s a terrible liar. Did you really think I didn’t know?”
Tommy couldn’t even respond to that. He dropped his head against the back of the seat and pressed his palms into his eyes. The burn of unshed tears prickled under the touch. He didn’t know a person could be so relieved they actually cried. Tommy exhaled a long, pained groan. “Jesus Christ.”
He was sniffling when he let his hands fall into his lap and looked at Bobby again. “It was that simple?”
Bobby glanced down and looked like he was about to confess something. “I wouldn’t say ‘simple.’ I had to call in a lot of favors and have a few strings pulled. We had to fudge a little on the dimensions of the house, but it’ll be fixed by the time we’re inspected.” He wet his lips and added, “Nothing about us is simple, Tom.”
Dread washed through Tommy at those words. The kids were all right, but what about Bobby? “How bad did I fuck up?”
Bobby laughed at that. “Pretty goddamn bad.” He started the car and pulled out of the parking lot before he spoke again. “I’ll probably forgive you eventually, but right now you’ve got seven pissed-off, worried O’Sheas who refused to go to school today. You should be more worried about apologizing to them first.”
WHEN THEY pulled up in front of Judy’s house, Tommy was almost afraid to face them. Bobby had said they were pissed, and they had every right to be. Before they got out of the car, he asked, “Did you tell them? I mean, about yesterday, and….”
Tommy had been fidgeting with the tail of his scarf, and Bobby reached out and took his hand.
“No,” he answered softly. “I didn’t think I should add anything to what they were already dealing with.”
Tommy nodded his head and let out a shuddering breath.
Bobby went on. “I think Colleen might have guessed. She seems more hurt than angry.”
That was the only thing Bobby could’ve said to make Tommy feel worse. “I better talk to her first,” he whispered, mostly to himself.
Bobby nodded in agreement. “I’ll send her out.”
They both got out of the car, but Tommy lingered on the doorstep as Bobby went inside.
He’d seen Colleen hurt plenty of times over the years. She was more fragile than she liked to admit, and when something got to her, deep down inside, the look on her face alone was enough to gut Tommy. Knowing he’d been the one to hurt her this time was even worse.
Tommy had expected to see her in tears, to see her trembling in the cold. He’d expected her to look down and try to hide her pain from him. What he got was a woman in a rage.
Colleen didn’t say a word to him at first. She barreled down the one step from the doorway and pounded her fist against his arm. She was kicking him and hitting him harder than he ever would have thought her capable of. At first he stood there and took it. Then she started to yell.
“Is this it, Tommy?” She kicked him again. “Is this what you wanna be now? You’re gonna turn into Pop and just leave us on our own?”
She hadn’t stopped hitting him and she punctuated every question with another blow until Tommy wrapped his arms around her. He pulled her in tight and wouldn’t let her move, but she still tried. Her voice was muffled against his shoulder when she asked, “Are you just gonna let everyone else clean up the messes while you disappear?” Then she started to cry.
He couldn’t say anything at first. He held on tighter and tried to catch his breath.
“No, Col,” he whispered after her shudders and sobs had quieted. “I swear to God, that’s not gonna happen.”
Tommy felt sure it was the truth. Even with the wreck things had been that morning, and the stress and confusion and pressure of everything else since, he wasn’t even tempted to go back to the bar and see how long Gene would let him mooch free drinks before he gave him the boot. Doing that was the furthest thing from his mind. When Colleen pulled her head back to see his face, and what he saw was a wary fear in her eyes as she looked him over, Tommy knew it would never happen again. He even wondered if there was some kind of preventative twelve-step program he could sign up for.
She sniffled like she was mad at herself for crying. “Are you sure? Because, swear to God, Tommy, we’re better off knowing now if that’s how you’re gonna go.”
“I’m sure,” he said with conviction. Colleen swiped at the tears on her face when Tommy loosened his grip on her. “If I ever let ya down again like that, you can kill me yourself.”
“Oh, I will.” Her tone told him she meant it, but she laughed after she said it.
Tommy felt like he should explain. He knew he couldn’t excuse anything, but he said, “Look, I mean, just so ya know, I went down to the police station after I found out. The guy told me no one could help me till Monday.” Colleen was listening, but she didn’t look convinced. “After that I went and looked for Pop all night.”
“In the bottom of a bottle?” As if she realized what she’d said, she added with another laugh, “I mean, that’s probably where we’ll find him, but you didn’t have to dive in to look for him, did ya?”
Tommy still felt ashamed of his choices and he didn’t think that would ever go away. “No, I didn’t.”
Colleen muttered, “Stupid bastard.”
“I know.”
“Yeah, well, as long as we’re clear on that.”
Tommy nodded. “Completely clear.” He reached inside his jacket and pulled out the paperwork. “Would it help at all if I told ya I got up before dawn and dragged my sorry ass down to DFACS to try and figure out what to do?”
Her green eyes searched his for a long moment and then she looked at the papers in his hand.
“Maybe,” she said in a begrudging tone. “A little.”
Tommy was stupid enough to feel relieved at her words until she reminded him, “But if you’d bothered to talk to Bobby, you would’ve known where we were to begin with, you dumbass.”
“I know, I know.” He dropped his head back against the wall behind him. “I promise, from now on I’ll check in with Bobby before I even wipe my ass, okay?”
“For normal people I’d say that was excessive, but in your case….”
They were both laughing when Tommy pulled her into a hug and kissed her on top of the head. When he let her go, he asked, “What about Mike and Davey?”
Colleen let out an exasperated sigh. “What about ’em?”
“Do they know where I was, or….”
She shrugged and said, “Mike figured you’d gone on a bender. Davey said you probably had but that you’d get your shit together. Carrie didn’t say what she thought, but she was scared as hell. Collin was the only one that insisted there was no way you’d do anything stupid. He said you were probably just figuring things out, and you weren’t talking to Bobby because you knew he’d called Family Services on us.”
“So Davey hit the nail on the head.” Tommy thought that was funny given the way they always went round and round about things. He thought about Collin and his unwavering belief that he was out there doing what needed to be done. “How many years have I been looking after all of you? And only one of you had any faith in me at all.”
Guilt flashed in Colleen’s eyes and she looked like she was about to apologize, but then she said, “Wait a minute, asshole. You only get to pull that kind of shit when we assume the worst and we’re wrong.”
She had a point. Rather than try to fight it, Tommy asked, “Can we go in before we both freeze to death?”
GETTING BACK in good graces was easier with the rest of the kids. Carrie had been the first to crack. She’d hugged him tightly and told him how scared she’d been. Mike asked him if he’d gotten his shit together
and seemed to take Tommy at his word when he told him he had. Davey had grinned at him and said, “I was right, wasn’t I?” Tommy smacked him softly on the back of the head and told him to enjoy the feeling while it lasted. Then he hugged him. Collin, of course, had never doubted him so there was nothing to forgive, and the twins were climbing all over him from the moment he’d stepped foot in the door.
Bobby and Judy had given them a few minutes alone. When things had settled, Judy came into the living room and said to Tommy, “Why don’t you come into the kitchen and have some chili?”
Tommy thought it sounded like code for you’re due for an ass kicking and it’s my turn, but he went anyway.
When he got there, he had a bowl of homemade chili and a pile of crackers waiting on the counter. Judy stood with her arms crossed, watching him. She didn’t look as angry as Bobby had been earlier. She looked like she was contemplating what to do with an unruly student who was slightly below average intelligence.
When he didn’t say anything, she asked, “Have you learned anything from all this?”
He knew he should ignore the food, but he was still cold, and he hadn’t eaten anything since the sandwiches with Gene and Ben the night before. He picked up the bowl and leaned against the counter with it before he took a bite. He thought for a moment before answering. “I think so, yeah.”
Judy’s brows shot up and she waited. Tommy didn’t say anything else, and she asked, “And that is…?”
A few jokes and one or two flippant remarks sprang to mind, but Judy didn’t seem in the mood for that kind of answer. He said seriously, “I’ve learned that the stupidest thing I can ever do is not trust Bobby.” He was going to leave it there, but then he added, “And you.”