by Bry Ann
I shoot up. Nix is sitting on the side of my bed, dirty blonde hair sticking up all over the place in grey sweats and a band t-shirt.
I take a few deep breaths. I don’t have nightmares often, but when I do it’s awful. It physically affects me. It takes me a few seconds to calm back down. Nix stays calm next to me. Not saying a word, just offering his presence as comfort.
“I'm worried about Lacey,” I finally say.
“I know.”
My head whips over to him, lips tight, eyebrows furrowed in confusion.
“You kept mumbling her name.”
“How did you hear that. You are down the hall?”
He shrugs. “Couldn’t sleep. Good hearing.”
“You make things that are a huge deal sound like casual coincidences.”
“My specialty sis. Wanna talk about it?”
“Not really. I'm just worried about her. I haven’t known her long, but... “
“She’s family. I get it. You two have been through a lot together. Shared an experience most people wouldn’t understand.”
“Yeah. I mean she’s been through a lot worse but…”
“Hey. Don’t undermine your trauma. You got your heart fucked with. That hurts too.”
I fiddle with my comforter. “Why do I feel like I know you? How is it I trust you when everyone else, but Lacey, has squashed my trust?”
Nix stands. “Don’t know, but your heart’s not leading you wrong on this one. I’d never hurt you. Now try and get some sleep.”
“Nix,” I say before he can make his quick exit.
“Hm,” he says, avoiding eye contact.
“Thank you.”
He turns around winks. “You got it. Now sleep.”
The door clicks shut and with it, I fall under sleeps spell. I wake up hours later. It’s one of the few times I shoot out of bed, fully ready to go for the day. Nix had some clothes at the house I could wear. Whoever owned them was shorter than me, but about my size. I couldn’t help but wonder why Nix owned this house, if he actually lived here and whose clothes these were, but something told me not to ask. In my white cotton shorts, shin-high socks and baggy blue tank top, I silently made my way to the door. Immediately the sound of Nix screaming caught my attention. It was so foreign sounding from his lips it stunned me. Left me frozen in place.
“No. Fuck you, you good for nothing piece of shit! I'm doing my job. You don’t think I’d protect her regardless! I'm not fucking you. She’s a kid caught up in bad shit. Jealousy isn’t a fucking factor in this.”
There’s silence as he listens to whoever is on the other end of the line.
“You’re gonna destroy Sage. Just let her live her life. This is between me, you, Rose and the Goddamn Mafia Marketta.” My dad. My eyes go wide, and I take a slow step forward to hear better. “I’ve been nothing but loyal to you, and you’ve treated me like shit. I’ve never asked one fucking thing from you. Just leave Sage out of this. That’s all I'm asking.”
Silence.
Then the sound of glass crashing. Not thinking about anything other than Nix’s pain, I sprint down the stairs.
“Nix! Nix! Stop.”
More glasses crash.
“Nix!” I slide across the tile and grab his arm. “Nix,” I say quietly.
His face radiates nothing but hate and fury. So unlike the Nix, I know. It’s a little scary, but I know he won’t hurt me. It’s directed at my dad. I don’t know how to process all this. Despite everything I know, it is still hard for me to register the man I grew up with the man who does these awful things.
“You should go upstairs sis,” he says, voice strained.
“I'm not leaving you here to suffer alone.”
I grab his forearm and pull him to the wooden table. I gently push him down to sit. His face drops in his hands. I hate seeing him like this. It’s like seeing a majestic lion on the losing end of a battle. That’s how it’s supposed to go. Lion’s aren’t meant to lose. That’s how I see Nix. This incredible human being capable of anything. I scamper off to the kitchen and grab paper towels. I wet them and walk back over placing them in his hand.
“Your hands are bleeding.”
“Thank you,” he says, as he wraps his bleeding palms in the wet paper towel.
I pull up a chair in front of him and lean forward.
“So. My dad is doing something to Sage. Is that why you are staying here? Why is he doing that?” I ask quietly.
Nix takes in my timid, childlike posture. Some of his anger dissipates. He lets out a long, deep breath.
“Rose, I'm not just here for Sage, but yes, he does have her now as collateral if I should… fail.”
“Maybe if I try and talk to him…?”
He looks at me out of the corner of his eye like I am the most innocent human being to walk the face of the earth.
“Rose,” he shakes his head, “I'm beginning to see how you got into this mess. You really see the good in everyone, don’t you?”
“I… no?”
Even I know this is a weakness I have. It’s hard for me to believe people are evil at heart. I am somehow always blind sighted when people turn out to be out for themselves. When they hurt and cross me. It’s not something I know how to get over.
A sad smile crosses his lips. “I hate to taint you, but your father would not hesitate to hurt, take or kill Sage to make sure I get this job done.”
Job. I try and swallow how bad that hurts. I'm just a job to him.
“But… but… how is he doing this? He’s in prison.”
“Rose. Jesus. Your father killed over forty people! You don’t think he has connections. People who work on the outside. Obviously, he’s not holding her. He’s got one of his fucking lackeys doing it.”
“So you don’t work for him? He’s blackmailing you?”
“It’s complicated Rose. I don’t work for him, per se.”
“I don’t understand. I want Sage to be okay, I want Lacey to be okay. If I talk to my dad I can save Sage. I'm not sure about Lacey yet.”
“Rose! I thought I was making myself clear. Marketta would slaughter her if he knew you knew what he did. Don’t you understand? You’re the untainted thing. The pure in his life. His ego stroke. If he thinks I ruined that,” he shakes out his hands, “she’s more than dead.”
You’re the untainted thing. The pure in his life. His ego stroke. Job. You don’t matter Rose.
“Yeah. Get it. Cool.”
I stand, trying not to sway as my mind swirls with self-deprecating thoughts.
“Rose? You okay? What do you want for breakfast?”
Men and their stupid linear thoughts. Food is the last thing I want!
“I'm good.”
I turn to bolt up the stairs.
“Rose, you should probably eat sis. You look… thin. You’ve lost quite a bit of weight. You’ve been getting dizzy spells.”
How the hell has he noticed that?
Fury and hurt run through me like a speeding train.
“I don’t give a fuck if I look thin!” I scream as I whirl around. Nix’s eyebrows shoot up. “You know what I give a fuck about? NO! No one does! I give a fuck my father is a criminal mastermind. I give a fuck that what I construed as love was just an ego stroke for him. I care that the only person helping me is here on blackmail. I care that my only friend in the world is being held hostage again! I care that a Mafia underboss is after me, and half of me wants him to find me because I have feelings for him! Just like every Goddamn bad thing in my stupid fucking life! So take your food and comments on my weight and shove it up your ass.”
I let out a shrill scream, stomp my foot and storm up the stairs, slamming the door behind me. The look of pure shock on Nix’s face will stay glued in my mind for a while. I'm no longer angry. Once I slammed the door to my room I sunk to the ground and the tears started. Now I don’t think they’ll ever stop. It’s this never-ending cycle of crying and screaming.
Not long after my meltdown, a knoc
k sounds on my door.
Knock. Knock. Knock.
“Rose. I know you’re pissed, but I'm coming in.”
He slowly opens the door. He sees me on the floor and sighs. His boots thump against the hardwood as he makes his way over to me. Like I weigh nothing, he takes my arm and pulls me over to the bed.
“I don’t want to see you!’
“I know. That’s fine.”
I glare at him. “Look, Rose, I'm sorry. I was mad and probably said more than I should have.”
“No, you…”
He holds up a finger. “I'm talking sis. You’re not just a job to me. Understand that. I don’t have the answer to all your problems, but you aren’t just a job to me. I care about you, but I'm worried about Sage too. You have no idea how much she’s been through.”
“I'm sorry for yelling at you. I don’t think it’s you I'm really mad at. I know you think I'm crazy and naive, but… I really thought my dad loved me.” A tear leaks out. “I just can’t understand how he’s so evil. My whole life until I was arrested he was my hero. He was a good man. At least I thought he was. I still haven’t come to terms with who he really is, and then when I heard his love for me was about his ego, I just… lost it. I'm sorry.”
“Don’t be. I’ve never been in your shoes. I don’t understand, but it’s not my place to judge how you feel.”
“Is there anything I could do to help Sage?”
He taps my chin. “Take care of yourself.”
I roll my eyes. “That’s cliche.”
Nix smirks. “Gotta say, sis. Didn’t expect that kind of mouth on you.”
“Ugh, shut up! It doesn’t happen often. Only when I'm really mad, or people are really annoying me.”
“Well, I’ve never had a woman stun me into silence quite like that before.”
I punch his arm. “Jerk.”
He throws his hand over his heart. “Take it as a compliment. I'm not easily derailed.”
My jaw tightens. I'm not proud of losing my temper like that. In fact, the only other person I’ve lost my temper like that in front of was Sven.
“Ready for a topic change. Yeah?”
“Yes! Please.”
He laughs. “It’s not much better.”
“Of course it’s not. We have very few topics to choose from. All of them being bad.”
His eyes search mine for a moment. “It’s about Sven. The underboss.”
As if I didn’t already know.
“What about him?” I ask icily.
“I have an idea, but… I'm not sure you are going to like it. I'm not even sure if it’s a good idea. At all. It could risk everything. But it could also hella simplify everything.”
“What is it?” At least someone is discussing shit with me before acting.
“I will reiterate. This is just an idea.”
“O… kay. I'm nervous.”
He runs a hand through his stringy hair. “We call him.”
I string of coughs erupts from my throat. If I had food I wouldn’t have just choked on it. I would have died.
“WHAT? Have you lost your mind? I ran from him! I have no intention of inviting him out to fucking dinner to talk things over.”
“I hear you, sis. I hear you. This is just an idea. Hear me out, okay? Alright?”
“Alright, I guess.”
Half of his lip turns up. “You are so different than what you seem. Anyway. Sven, Underboss, could have…”
“Look Nix. I know exactly who he is. You don’t need to keep clarifying.”
“Right. So, Sven could have easily killed me and taken you that day. I mean easily. He didn’t. Honestly, I was so fucking confused when he didn’t act. I mean from my research he’s the kind of guy to take what he wants.”
“Yeah I know,” I mumble.
“Right,” Nix actually turns a little red, “I didn’t think about that, but point is proven. Why didn’t he take you that day? It’s baffled me. Until you had your little meltdown downstairs. Is there a chance, I mean, Rose does he have real feelings for you? Like beyond the kidnapping and you being beautiful and all that.”
“I mean, I… don’t know.”
“Yes, you do. Don’t think, feel. Does he feel for you? This is important.”
“Yes! Fuck. He does. In his own twisted way. But his job will always come first, and…”
“I know. I hear you. Shh. I know you feel for him too.” When I go to open my mouth he holds up a hand. “It’s okay. I'm not judging. Just stating a fact. If we call him. Meet at a private location. See if we can come to some kind of compromise. We can quit hiding around. Maybe you can get some closure there, which will be good for you. Hell, maybe he can get you to fucking eat something.”
I glare at him.
“I'm eating!”
“I'm not fighting with you on this right now.”
“Plus,” I say more to myself than him, “Then you can tell my dad this job’s been taken care of. He’ll be able to get proof of that, and Sage will be free.”
Nix’s whole body softens in a way that makes this whole idea something I can’t say no to.
“Yes, you little angel you.”
“We are banking on the fact that Sven is civil minded though. And he’s anything but that.”
“Love makes people do crazy things. And Sven is nuts. So may the crazy thing he does will be the right thing.”
“It’s a big risk.”
“It’s our best option. Living in this unsure spot is going to kill you.”
“What if he takes me again?”
“I don’t think he will. He’d have to go through me, and he wouldn’t do that.”
“Why the hell not?”
“He’d have to kill me.”
The firmness in his voice shocks me, but not before panic hits.
“He would kill you! No Nix. This plan is off! I can’t lose you! I can’t. Please. I can’t. I’d die.”
“Shh… he won’t kill me.”
“How do you know? I never know what he’s gonna do!”
“He would have killed me back by the car.”
“He could change his mind.”
That guard comes back over his eyes. “He cares about you. So he won’t kill me.”
“You’re making no sense!”
I feel an inexplicable need to pull my hair out. Nix is making no sense!
“Just trust me. Plus, another perk is we can try and find out about Lacey.”
“I'm in. I… Sage and Lacey. I’d be a bitch to say no.”
“You can say no.”
“I'm not a bitch!”
“It doesn’t make you a bitch,” he says, laughing quietly.
“Do you even know how to get ahold of him?”
A dark look crosses his face. “I have my contacts too Rose.”
“Then call him. I want to get this over with.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
He fake bows and then he’s gone. Sealing my fate.
Chapter 10:
Boss:
“She’s severely traumatized. We can’t always predict when this stuff will kick in. If you truly want to help her she’s going to need a lot of care.”
“Of course I want to help her!”
“Alright then. Onto her physical condition. She let me look at her arm today. That we cut discussed probably did need stitches. It is a little late for that now, but I will continue to monitor for infection. Make sure it is thoroughly cleaned and bandaged until it has healed some.”
There’s a tense silence, since we both know all the things carved, etched and cut into her skin. We share a look since there’s not much else to say.
“Have you seen any of her other recent… injuries?”
“She won’t let me.”
He takes a deep breath. “She has a long road ahead of her.”
I feel like my throat is closing in. “What’s there?”
“You know I have doctor-patient privilege.”
I fight the urge to punch
him and demand he to tell me. Lacey trusts him. I can’t scare him off.
“I understand,” I grit out.
“Besides that, she has an infection which I am treating with antibiotics. I know she has some deficiencies. I will know more when I get her blood work back. She needs food, water, compassion, safety. She needs to be taken care of, and she desperately needs psychiatric attention.” His tone goes solemn.
“She told me a little about her life. Why she cuts. Her shame overrides her need to keep her trauma private.”
“Yes,” I say, trying to swallow the well-deserved demons reminding me what I’ve done.
“She needs to be watched. Don’t smother her or make her feel trapped, but someone needs to keep an eye on her. Keep razors, knives, guns, things of that nature away from her. She’s smart so warn your men not to be conned into giving her anything potentially dangerous. It’s important. As I said yesterday, I don’t think she’s thinking of herself as suicidal, because she’s thinking about it as a means of escape instead ending her life, but it is my belief she is suicidal. Since you won’t hospitalize her, keeping her safe is in your hands. I will be back in two days with more medication and the results of the blood tests. And to check on her.”
The doctor turns from me, but before he leaves he glances over his shoulder.
“I’ve never crossed you. Never spoke against you, but that’s a good woman in there. One in a hell I can’t even begin to understand. Don’t make me do something I will ethically have to do. Something you would kill me for.”
With that, he turns on his heel and walks out. I'm left there stunned. This doctor has always been a favorite. He never questions or crosses me. He always gives it to me straight. Tells me what I medically need to know. This is the first time he’s spoken against me. That fact that I turn on my heel and walk back in the room says a lot about my feelings for Lacey.
The door creaks as I slowly push it open.
“It’s just me Lacey.”
The IV is gone, in the corner of the room. Lacey is tracing over a cut on her arm that’s oozing medication from under the bandage.
“Did anything hurt?” I ask her.
“No.”
Of course, it didn’t. Not after all she’s been through. What I alone put her through.
“I figured.”