by Louise James
It was Halloween and Greg was alone. No one had been on site all day but Greg was getting used to builders habits of appearing and disappearing. He had spent the morning staining the kitchen doors with antique pine, enjoying the warmth and serenity of the house. He was not feeling well and a quiet job suited him. While waiting the doors to dry he was making lists of furniture needed for the new rooms. It had been a bleak enough morning but after lunch the day deteriorated with a cold wind and icy rain. Fred called in to say he had seen to the horses. He stayed for a coffee and to admire the new kitchen. Greg showed him over the house telling him about the plans for the new building. Fred was very interested.
“I’ve never seen the like but good on yer. Anything I can do fer yer lad, yer’ve only ter ask. There’ll be a few animals about soon no doubt. I won’t charge yer, I’ll enjoy it. Keep me out of mischief.” His eyes twinkled behind the cloud of pipe smoke that Greg hadn’t the heart to ask him to put out. “Young Joe’ll help me, he enjoys it too as yer may ’ave noticed, mind ee looks for a bit o cash come Saturdays so yer’d better keep ’im sweet but not me mind, this u’ll be my contribution fer the poor things that’ll come ere.” Greg hid his smile. “Thank you Fred I do appreciate it and you were right about the horses. Ray and I have enjoyed them quite a bit and others will too later on.’
“Didn’t I tell ee? I knows yer can get about better on a horse. How yer feeling, young chap, yer don’t look so clever of late?’
“Oh! I guess I’ve been doing too much lately. It’ll pass.” Fred peered at him as he tapped his pipe out laying it on the table.
“Look ’ere, I’ve been about a bit an’ I knows yer ain’t tellin the truth, I knows, I can tell it in the grandchildren and yer ain’t no different don’t worry fer now as yer as yer reasons but when yer want ter talk old Fred don’t tell a soul and I’ll be waitin. Yer might need some ’elp before long. Yer need lass to come and work with yer. I know yer friend is coming. Good job too. Anyway I’ll be off. I’ll do the chickens on my way out its goin ter get dark early ter night.’
Greg shook his hand as Fred levered himself out of his chair. “Thanks Fred I’ll remember what you’ve said. I need all the friends I can get. Don’t forget your pipe.’
I doubt I’ll be smoking in front of yer agin, don’t care what yer say. I can see it’s no good ter yer. No don’t come out, get on with the job yer doin. Remember the phone is there if yer needs anything.’
“Thanks again Fred. Good night.’
Greg felt very comforted when he thought of the good friends he had made since he came to the mountains. Noticing how dark it was getting although only early afternoon, he brought in a pile of logs for the wood burner. When he finished the varnishing a film on the television seemed a good idea. Rocky had gone with Fred to see to the chickens then headed for his blanket. After tea Greg was deciding between a video or a new book he was itching to read when the sound of a vehicle sent Rocky barking to the door. “All right Rocky, it’s only one of the boys. Come on in its open.” He called at the tap on the door. Rocky was barking but his tail wagged furiously. As Greg carried on putting his video into the machine the door opened and an icy blast whirled inside.
“Come on in and get that blasted door shut its cold enough to freeze a brass monkey” A low voice behind him. “Is it too late to say that I’m sorry? Can I come in?”
“You are in.”
She closed the door behind her bending to fuss Rocky who was beside himself with delight. Greg remained motionless, so totally unexpected the scene he had so longed for but dreaded so much. Rocky temporarily satisfied retreated to his bed as Greg very carefully put down his video and rose to his feet. He turned his eyes meeting hers. She stood just inside the closed door, not moving. Her eyes appeared huge with dark violet shadows beneath them. The blue tracksuit she wore drained the colour from her face leaving her freckles standing livid across her cheekbones. She looked ill and tired. Greg ached to take her in his arms and kiss away the strain in her eyes, the droop from her mouth.
“Why have you come?” he asked at last.
“I had too. I know I was wrong not to hear what you had to say to me.” Her voice was weary, trembling.
“Oh! You have spoken to your grandmother?” his heart was hammering, his throat dry.
“Yes I’ve been there since this morning.’
“So!” thought Greg “She knows now; that’s why she looks so ill and I thought I could trust Bronwyn with my life.’
“I wanted to come a long time ago but I was hurt and embarrassed and you never phoned or came to look for me. It was all so bad I thought it best I didn’t come so.
I thought it best to leave well alone.’ Greg’s tones were wary. He wished she would hurry and say her piece then he could send her on her way. He had dreaded this; now it would start again all the pain and hunger but this time it would be worse because knowing the truth she would want to stay with him. He couldn’t bear that; all her bright flame fading out as they waited for the end. He turned away fiddling with the videos pushing them in and out of the cases; anything rather than look at that haunted beloved face. Damn Bronwyn.
“How have you been?” he asked when she didn’t speak.
“Fine, just fine.” she answered brightly, too brightly.
“You don’t look well.” he retorted. “You’ve been working too hard.’
“No not recently. Look Greg. I’ve said I’m sorry. I was too hasty, my filthy temper just took me out of the door and I just couldn’t come back.” She sat down suddenly on a chair, slouched hands deep in her pockets. Her tracksuit hood covered her hair but in the heat of the room she shook it off. Her hair was tied back tightly with a shoelace, red-gold wisps clinging to her face and neck. He glanced at her quickly then away, his face as white as her own his jaw set.
“Well maybe I was a bit stupid but you took me by surprise and I’m not good at surprises as you found out.’
“I realised that later and didn’t know what to do, then I phoned Gran but she never mentioned you until I came back today then she had a right go at me.’
Greg felt betrayed. “Well it doesn’t matter now, does it?” he said coldly. “I accept your apology in the spirit you give it. I was wrong too. We’ll call it quits shall we?” He realised as he spoke how pompous he sounded and could have bitten his tongue out. She stared at him stunned.
“You are a cold bastard aren’t you? Well let me be telling you this–-rising to her feet. “If it wasn’t for Granny, I wouldn.t be here now. I let her talk me round. I was for managing nicely thank you very much. I think she was wrong going on and on about temper and pride. Sometimes it’s all one has left.” She turned to the door. “I won’t be bothering you any more, I’ve said my piece and you’ve said yours as you are saying we’re quits. You are after getting the place nice now as I can see. I hope you meet someone one day that you can really love or maybe this has put you off women for good. Anyway I wish you good luck for the future.” She turned back now and smiled eyes full of tears, her smile tremulous. “I won’t be coming this way for a long time. I am going to my mother in London. I’ll probably go back to France with her. Please Greg, marry someone nice and have a lovely life, I do sincerely wish it for you. I only wish it could have been me. May God and all the fairies bless you and keep you safe.” She fumbled with the door. “Bye Rocky, look after him.” Her voice broke as she flung open the door, fumbling for the outer one.
“Olwen!” before she could find the latch Greg had caught her arm and whirled her to face him. “Come back in here quickly, there is something I must know.” she was sobbing helplessly now trying to pull away. He pushed her back into the warm room and into a chair where he knelt keeping his arms around her.
“Olwen, I must know word for word what your Granny has been saying to you. Please Olwen it’s very important to me.” She stared at him her grey eyes drowned dark as a lake in rain.
“Only that I should have been slapped more for losing my temper as a child and if I carried on the way I do I would never have a relationship at all, other people had rights to their opinions and points of view as well as me and it was about time that I grew up, stopped running away when things got tough, that I acted more like a teenager than a thirty year old. She said it wasn’t clever to hit out and stamp out that it took courage to calm down and wait your turn. Oh! She was for saying more, much more all in the same vein, she hardly drew breath; most of which I realised before I reached Worcester and knew what I had done.’
“She said nothing about me?” Greg was insistent.
“No.” Olwen withdrew her hands to wipe her eyes. “Only that you were the finest man she had met for a long time and I was the biggest fool going. Why, what else would she be saying?’
“A great deal more that should have been said earlier. That was my fault, I am far guiltier than you realise, Sweetheart.” At the endearment Olwen’s eyes filled again, tears spilling over down her cheeks. Greg mopped them away tenderly with the tea towel.
“Come and sit with me on the settee. We must talk as we should have done in the beginning. Can I get you a drink first?’
“In a minute, only I must take this jacket off it’s so hot in here, I see you have a wood burner now what a great idea.” He helped her off with her jacket then sitting beside her caught her hand in his. “It was darling of you to want to marry me.’
“It doesn’t matter—she began.
“Hush now, it’s my turn. I need you to listen to me. This is something I hoped never to have to tell you but I was wrong there too. It’s your right to know. As I said it was a wonderful idea of yours to get married in any other circumstances I would have beaten you to it but there is a very good reason why I have to say no.” His hands tightened on hers. “It’s not because I am already married with six kids or anything like that. It’s because it wouldn’t be fair to you. In another year I may not be here. I have an illness called Obstructive Cardiomyopathy or another name is Myocarditis which means that the heart the heart muscle becomes inflamed and degenerates into fibrous tissue. There is no cure.” Her gasp made him reach for her other hand and hold both tightly. She was deathly pale.
“The only hope is a transplant.” As her face brightened he squeezed her hands hard “But for me that is not simple either. I have a rare blood group O Rhesus Positive with rare antibodies. The chances of finding a donor in time are slim to non- existent I do carry a–- He caught her as she slid forward in a dead faint, laying her back on the couch, he rushed for water sprinkling her face and neck, slapping her hands. Frantic he pushed the couch back from the fire and opened the windows. She came to slowly.
“Greg, Greg.’
“I’m here darling it’s alright, I shouldn’t have put it so bluntly and it is hot in here. But you had to know and I should have told you when we first met.’
“Just hold me Greg, just hold me” Her voice was so low he could barely hear the words. He cradled her to him, his eyes full of tears. Presently she murmured.
“Go on, tell me everything.” He brought her a drink and watched her slip slowly after a few sips he took the cup from her shaking hands. “Are you alright Sweetheart?’
“Yes please go on.’
“Well! I found this place which was my grandfathers. I haven’t done much in my life that was worthwhile and it was your grandmother that sowed the seed that I could do something with the time I have left to prove my life hasn’t been a waste. With help I could make this place into something I could leave for others. If things don’t go well with me, I may have existed a while to help others.” He helped Olwen to sit up and keeping his arms around her pulling her into his shoulder. She resisted, her eyes never leaving his face, her hands twisting restlessly in her lap.
“I want this place to be a model farm, a happy visiting place for small groups of children who are disabled mentally or physically deprived in some way. I have come to realise that we all suffer from some sort of disablement if it is only bad temper.” He smiled at her. “Some suffer more than others and many never realise the burden they are carrying, they may be someone else’s worries, just as I am putting mine on you now. If I can help children with problems enjoy a holiday or some time away from whatever they are trying to cope with and they can have good memories to take home with them, then I know that I have not lived in vain, someone will benefit from my dreams. There is so much to do and so little time to do it. When you asked me to marry you I wanted to say yes because I fell in love with you although I knew that I shouldn’t. It was a wonderful idea but I didn’t dare. At that time I didn’t know what I was going to do with the place or even if I would survive the winter without collapsing or going mad with depression. I was taken ill after you left.” Olwen caught his arm. “No it wasn’t your fault I get turns like that and they are frightening. Bronwyn took me in and nursed me we became very good friends after I told her everything that I couldn’t tell you.’
“She didn’t tell me.” Olwen was distraught. “Why didn’t she tell me? I had a right, I would have come straight back to you.’
“That’s where I was wrong. I didn’t want your pity. I don’t want your pity and I don’t want you to see me die either, so I can’t keep you my lovely Darling. I love you but you must go now.’ Greg was crying hard sobs that stopped him continuing. Her arms came around him, they held each other as they mouthed incoherent words of love and comfort, rocking each other they wept with abandonment, caressing and kissing, stopping with mouths, half spoken words.
Rocky suddenly woke realising that his two favourite people were in some kind of trouble came whining and trying to climb in their laps, his rough tongue washing their faces, finding they were holding more Rocky than each other they were forced apart still trembling from the storm, half smiling tremulously at the dog’s persistence. Greg rose to let him out. Olwen sitting up straight blew her nose on her already sodden handkerchief a determined look on her face. She took control of her voice.
“Come and sit down. Darling, it’s my turn. I know that you still have things you want to say but it’s my turn. Let me tell you this. I know that you love me and was not intending to humiliate me as I thought when I ran away. I should have recognised the type of man you were.’
“I’m sorry you thought that but you never gave me a chance.’
I know that now also I know I love you more than I dreamt I would love anyone which is amazing as we have only known each other for a short time. I don’t pity you Greg. You break my heart but I can’t pity a man with courage like yours and I can’t change the way things are, we are both adult enough to know that, whether we can cope with it we must just wait and see. I am not leaving you Greg, not ever. Your life is mine and mine yours, we can’t be changing that either–don’t interrupt yet. Please don’t let’s be wasting a precious moment, let’s spend every one together building a future however long or short it may be. I have faith. I believe if it’s God’s will a donor will be found and I want to be there Greg; please don’t shut me out of your dreams. You will be killing me if you send me away. I want to share everything with you for as long as we have. Will you marry me Greg? Not from pity but as a partner and a lover.’
“Oh! My Darling it’s not fair on you.” Greg’s head went down.
“Yes it is because we have a fight on our hands, to get you well and this place running as a real home where we share everything for better for worse, in sickness and in health; remember how it does?’
“Yes, my brave girl. I know now. If you really want me in this state I will marry you but I wish I could promise you happiness and a future.’
“You, Sweetheart have given me great happiness and more to come. You have to fight to get well and stay positive. We will pray every day for a donor to be found because you have everything to live for because I’m pregnant. You must live for your son.
Chapter 32
As the wedding approached Olwen spent more time with her grandmother and her mother Anwen who had arrived from London to help with the arrangements. Although it was to be a quiet affair there was no way Anwen was allowing her daughter to get out of some of the traditions she considered essential, although Bronwyn and Olwen were insistent on low key due to the circumstances. Anwen had her way when she dragged them off to Gloucester to shop for outfits and hats so there was no one at the farm when Greg had his next collapse. He’d fed the chickens and seen to the horses for Fred who had business elsewhere and wouldn’t be back until dark. Rocky was enjoying a bone on the porch. Greg started back to the house with logs for the wood burner when pain slammed into his chest driving him into swirling blackness. It seemed a long time until he came to in a puddle of rainwater feeling bruised all over, his chest hurting like hell, limbs useless. He tried to roll over preparatory to getting up but nausea, dizziness and loss of movement in his legs frightened him. He lay very quiet trying to steady his erratic breathing, trying to remember if his pills were in his pocket, adding to his discomfort it began to rain. His breathing slowed and the pain subsiding he decided that he had no intention of dying outside in a cold puddle so began a slow crawl towards the house. His progress was hampered by Rocky who decided this was a new sort of game barked incessantly while licking Greg’s face at intervals. Greg hadn’t managed more than a few feet when a car turned into the drive, lifting his head as the driver opened the gate, Greg realised it was his father. He gave a sigh of thankfulness and rested his head on the ground. John looking across the yard at Rocky’s agitated barking saw Greg’s huddled form and raced forward praying as he ran. Sally looking to see what the commotion was about screamed, flung herself out of the car and ran too.