by N'Tyse
After lathering her hands, she reached for one of the Spider-Man hand towels that were neatly stacked on the linen shelf behind her and blotted her face with it.
“Rene, honey, you all right up in there?” Shun asked, tapping at the bathroom door.
Rene hadn’t realized that Shun was awake. She didn’t expect her to even be up so early since the boys were out of school on holiday break. “Yeah, um,” she cleared her throat, then fixed her face and swung the door open. “I’m good,” she lied, fiddling with her clothes. She wore denim skinny jeans and a fuchsia tank with a gold rat posing across the front. Underneath it were the words, “Got Cheese?” Her hair was disheveled, and that wasn’t the only thing she was careless about this morning. She had on one white ankle sock and a faded red one.
The left side of Shun’s face was pressed against the door just before Rene yanked it open. Shun wasn’t the least bit surprised to find Rene up at the crack of dawn, crying her eyes out again. For the past few weeks, Rene had been waking up in the wee hours of the morning, some days as early as five, moping around as if something was bothering her. Always being known as the nosy one, Shun decided this time she’d let Rene come to her on her own without forcing the issue any further, the way she’d done so many times in the past. Their friendship was just starting to get back on track since all the mayhem that went down with Rene and Vincent, and she wasn’t going to give her friend any reason whatsoever to not trust and confide in her again. She’d made that mistake, and she felt horrible every time she heard Rene crying late at night, feeling deeply that she was partly to blame.
“I’m gon’ whip up some pancakes before the boys wake up. You want me to throw you on some?” Shun asked her friend.
Rene forced a smile. “No, I’m not really that hungry,” she said, leaning the back of her head against the door. She rubbed at the shooting pain that had suddenly found residence in her left shoulder, debating whether she felt up to going to her yoga class this morning. Rene looked at Shun who was wearing a long, red housecoat with holes and permanent grease spots too big to go unnoticed. Shun’s plastic Jheri curl cap was puffed out at the top, and she had paper towels tucked around the edges to prevent curl activator from dripping down into her face. Shun was Rene’s best friend, but all in all, Rene saw her more as the family she never had. When Rene found herself struggling with her differences between loving men and women, she confided in Shun, but only to have her agree with all the others that criticized her open sexuality. She and Sand would have heated arguments over how Shun was just trying to tear them apart, and Sand couldn’t stand Shun as far as she could see her and didn’t have a problem making sure Rene knew that.
“She ain’t no real friend,” Sand would holler. “She just using you to watch them damn kids while she go gamble them welfare checks off. Shun ain’t nothing but a hypocrite, and you know that shit. She won’t even accept the fact that you gay. You see how she act when she come around me. Like I make her uncomfortable and shit? Talking about I’m fucking yo’ head up. Where she get off coming at me like that? I can handle myself, Rene, but that’s your girl! You supposed to check her ass. I don’t even see why you fucks with her!”
With all the convincing Sand tried to do, Rene refused to believe that Shun meant any harm to their relationship. And it wasn’t long before Shun’s speeches soon began to make sense and have an effect on Rene. She began seeing the light Shun spread upon her for herself, and decided that life with a woman was not what she envisioned for herself. She wanted a man, any form, any fashion. Just as long as his birth certificate read boy or male child. She felt she needed to be a part of something she didn’t have to explain—something that she didn’t have to be ashamed of admitting about herself. Rene wanted someone she could show off to the world without being questioned about her beliefs when folks saw the two of them together, holding hands. But most of all, she wanted the family she never had. She dreamed of one day becoming a mother.
Rene knew that Sand couldn’t promise her things that she wanted, but she so badly wished she could. All Sand could ever assure her was that she would be there, but for Rene, that wasn’t enough. So when Vincent came along and swept her off her feet, wined and dined her, took her places she’d never been, and taught her things she never knew, Rene believed he was the one she was destined to be with, the man that would make her life complete.
When she became pregnant by Vincent, Rene thought she’d lose her mind because that part of her happily-ever-after plan wasn’t supposed to happen as quickly as it did. Because not only had she deceived her fiancé, but she had also betrayed the true love of her life. She tried pulling away from that life that held her prisoner for so long and soon found her feelings for her girlfriend slowly unraveling. She no longer cared about her whereabouts or if she came home late, or at all. Her interest was in someone new. She made herself believe that in time she would eventually get over Sand, and with the course of life, fall in love with Vincent. She had a plan for escape, a plan for life, but she was scared. She was so scared that she said nothing and did nothing. She played the selfish role and kept her feelings a secret for as long as she could from both Sand and Vincent, which eventually led to an abundance of lies that triggered more lies on top of those she had already told.
But up until a few months ago when tragedy struck home did Rene ever believe that God would send her a wake-up call. She had almost been killed behind all her lies. But she was done with playing games with other people’s hearts. She was done listening to what naysayers had to say about who she slept with. Hell, she wanted and deserved to be happy. She needed to be loved, and she wanted to love the relationship just as much as the person she was in it with, which was more than she could say for some.
Shun had that look on her face like she knew Rene was hiding something from her, but she couldn’t blame her. “What’s been wrong with you lately? You ain’t been actin’ like yourself,” Shun confessed, making it sound as though some sort of psychic instinct had tapped in. “I can tell when something bothering you because you start lookin’ feverish, and your forehead kinda wrinkles, then your nose starts frowning,” she said jokingly.
Rene walked past her, trying hard to erase her worrisome face. “I’ve just had a lot of stuff on my mind lately, that’s all. Just crazy stuff. Things you don’t wanna know,” she assured, shaking her head.
“Baby girl, I’ve just been sitting back and keeping my mouth shut because I do realize that I played a part in some of this, and I know I was the cause of some of them arguments you and Sand used to have,” she acknowledged. “That much I can admit to your face. I could tell before I even walked in the house good that y’all had been arguing. I mean, I may look crazy, but I ain’t. I notice things too.” Shun swung her hand on her hip and walked around Rene, heading back into the kitchen where she’d been mixing up the batter for the pancakes. “I know Cassandra can’t stand me.” Shun paused. “I mean Sand. And I can accept that. Hell, I don’t even think I blame her.” She turned back to Rene. “But, sweetie, I was only speaking from how I was brought up. Back in my house, whooo—” she exhaled a mouthful of morning breath. “If you brought home a fag, better yet a dyke,” she watched the way Rene’s eyes lowered and how she rolled her neck to pop out a crick, as if that terminology made her ache, “you were asking for a Southern-style beat down.” Shun’s eyes widened. “You might’ve found your head at one end of the house,” she used the spoon and pointed in different directions of her house for emphasis, “and your body down at the other. That was just shit you kept to yourself. Ya know what I’m saying? That was business you didn’t discuss out loud. Humph. And my daddy was a preacher, so you know he didn’t go for that foolishness under his roof.” She scooped a tablespoon full of store-brand butter and then dumped it into the skillet. “So you have to excuse my ignorance. I don’t mean to say the things I say to hurt nobody.” She shrugged her shoulders. “I just talk that way ’cause all I know is how I was raised. Forgive me for judging you.�
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Rene raised her head and squinted her eyes as she listened, trying to grasp everything Shun was telling her. “Shun, where is all this coming from? I mean, you’ve already apologized like a hundred times already. None of this is your fault. I’m a grown woman. You didn’t do anything,” she said. “I did it to myself, and I’m the one who has to live with it for the rest of my life. I’m the one that cheated on Sand and got pregnant by someone that tried to kill me, someone I thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. You didn’t take any part in that,” Rene revealed to her. “Even if you hadn’t slipped up and told her about Vincent and the baby, she would have still found out. It was just a matter of time. Secrets like that don’t stay hidden forever,” she said.
Shun exhaled. “Okay. Now I don’t feel so bad,” she laughed, making light of the conversation. Rene joined her laughter. Shun had missed Rene’s bright smile for the last couple of months that she had been staying with her and the boys.
Rene walked over to her. “I love you, girl, with your crazy ass,” she mused, throwing her hands around her to steal a hug. “I don’t know what I would do without you.”
“I love you too, honey.” Shun let out a sigh. “Now that we’re understood on this,” she looked around making sure her four rug rats weren’t up yet. She was already about to renege on the promise she made to herself. “Tell me what you were crying about in that back room late last night when you came in here. Are you hurting? Is something bothering you? Talk to me.” She brushed the back of her hand across Rene’s forehead.
Rene closed her eyes, then opened them. She inhaled a nose full of blueberries that filtered through the small, stuffy kitchen.
“Is it Sand?” Shun pressed.
Rene nodded her head once.
“Is she in some trouble?” Shun asked, concerned.
Rene’s eyes began to water while her face twisted into a frown. As if on cue, tears automatically came rushing down her face. She swiped at them, feeling the swollen bags underneath her eyes that Shun must’ve seen as well.
“She . . . She’s in real bad trouble,” she sniffed. “And I don’t know where she could be.” Shun pulled Rene closer to her and allowed Rene’s head to drop to her shoulder. She rocked her gently as if she were her own child. “It’s gon’ be okay,” she consoled her. “Is there something I can do?” She felt Rene shake her head. Shun never thought she’d say this, but she opened her mouth and let her heart do the talking. “Y’all will get through this, honey. I promise y’all will. The two of you were meant for each other. This is just a test. You remember what the pastor said last Sunday, don’t you?”
Rene’s cries grew louder.
“If you want something bad enough, you’ll fight for it. Even when it seems that the battle is lost,” Shun quoted from memory. She offered her more advice. “Fight for what you believe in. If it feels right to you and right for you, then, hey, so be it. Do what makes you happy,” she added.
“And you know what’s so messed up?” Rene lifted her head, as never-ending tears made a pool out of her face. “I can’t even tell you the last time that I told her I loved her.”
Shun lightly dabbed at the corners of Rene’s eyes with her thumb. “She knows you do, hun.”
“The holidays and everything,” Rene carried on. “Oh my God. We have never spent the holidays apart,” Rene sobbed like a young child in great pain.
“Y’all are gon’ be all right. I promise you that. It won’t be long before y’all both running around here all cuddled up, hugging and kissing like the lovebirds y’all are.” Shun circled Rene’s back with her right hand and tried changing the subject to keep Rene from crying herself sick. “Speaking of holidays, you see that Charlie Brown tree in there?”
Rene forced a chuckle out of her cry. That tree was the first thing she spotted when she walked in the door late last night. She recalled thinking to herself, What Dumpster did Shun pull that one out of? Rene raised her head and wiped her wet face.
“I’ma need you to help me get the lights up on it,” Shun said, snatching up a pork link from the strainer. She bit off half of it and chewed as she talked.
Rene looked over at the naked tree. The only thing on it were the handmade ornaments the kids made for it at school that read, “My mommy knows Santa Claus,” and the other, “We want a PlayStation 3 this year.” She uttered a laugh. “Well, I guess we both know what the kids want this year,” she sniffed, almost forgetting about what brought on her tears in the first place.
Shun grabbed the bowl of batter and began pouring the last spoonfuls of it into the skillet. “Yeah, but I don’t think I can afford a video game that costs almost six hundred dollars. Hell, I don’t even think,” she looked around the house, “that anything in here costs me that damn much.”
They both scanned the room. Shun was probably right. Everything she had was either given to her or bought at a clearance sale, garage sale, white sale, tax sale, or close-out sale. Shun was the thriftiest shopper one could ever know because she didn’t believe in spending a lot of money on unnecessary things that would eventually wear down or give out on her. She’d rather put that money to use somewhere else, like a trip to a Louisiana casino to increase her odds. She awaited that big payday like everybody else she knew on welfare and prayed for the day she could walk proudly into that Human Resource office to tell her attitude-having caseworker who intentionally screwed up her paperwork every six months (delaying her food stamps, welfare check, and children’s Medicaid), to kiss her crusty, dusty black ass. That’d be the day.
Rene reached in her back pocket and pulled out the folded brown envelope that she received as a sign-on bonus from Chyna the night before. Shun, on the other hand, continued to flip the pancakes as if she worked as a cook for IHOP or something. She would even shake the pan a couple of good times to even out the butter, imitating her favorite cook show host, Chef G. Garvin.
“Shun,” Rene paused. “I want to give this to you.” She extended her hand with the envelope flat in her palm. “It’s for everything you’ve done for me these last couple of months,” she smiled softly.
Shun turned her body around and accepted the envelope, smearing pork grease on it before it was fully in her grasp. She wiped it on the side of her robe, giving Rene a strange look out of the corner of her eye. She wondered what it could be. She finally lifted the flap, noticing how the security seal had already been broken. Her eyes shot wide open, and her mouth dropped with shock as she flipped through every single Benjamin big face. The white and brown bold printed currency strap tucked down inside read $5,000.
“Where’d you get this kind of money?” Shun blurted, trying to collect herself. She had never seen so many $100 bills at one time, all crisp and clean as if they’d just come from under the iron. “I can’t. I mean. You just . . .” Shun was speechless. All she could think was that Rene had seriously lost her mind. “You carry this type of cash on you, girl?” she finally got out.
“It’s hard to explain, to be honest, and I’d rather not try,” Rene told her.
Shun held the big faces up to the light fixture in her kitchen, checking for the money’s background features.
Rene laughed. “It’s real, Shun. I’ve already done all that.”
“Oh my God! All mines?” Shun asked. Rene nodded her head. “Well, hell, you can come on and move in since this how you show your gratitude,” Shun fell out laughing, slapping her hands together. “You want my bedroom? You know all you gotta do is say the word.”
Rene laughed at her friend’s silliness. “I’m just fine where I am. Thank you, though,” she giggled.
Shun just stared at Rene, still surprised Rene was seriously giving her all that cash. “Thank you!” She started screaming as if she just hit the lottery. “Thank you, thank you, thank you.” Shun was spinning and jumping around in her kitchen as though she’d been touched by the Holy Ghost. She looked at the ceiling, then back at Rene. “God knows I’ve been praying for a miracle like this. My boys nee
d clothes, shoes, haircuts . . .” Shun had been cutting their hair for so long now that she couldn’t recall the last time that she was able to afford a professional cut for them. And the kids in the neighborhood had teased them so much about having plugs in their heads that Shun just stopped cutting it altogether. She turned to her friend and held her tightly. “Now I can give my babies their idea of Christmas. God knows how much I needed this.” She stopped to just really look at her best friend. “You have no idea how grateful I am,” she sniffed, and her voice began to crack with every word.
“You deserve it, Shun. Now, come on and quit all that silly stuff, woman. You making me cry again.” Rene vainly wiped at her own tears that started to trail down her face again. “Let’s put some clothes on that tree,” she coughed and laughed simultaneously.
“Forget that tree,” Shun shouted, turning off the burners and piling hotcakes, links, and sweet buttered rice onto the four plates. “I saw another one way better than that. They got ’em on sale at Walmart. Wake the boys ’cause we ’bout to go shopping.” Shun rushed around her kitchen pulling spoons and forks from the dishwasher. She shuffled things around in the pantry, trying to locate the syrup.
Rene took a step closer to her friend. “But before we go anywhere, we gon’ do somethin’ about this hair of yours because this,” Rene lifted the plastic cap from Shun’s head, “will not win you a diva award, ma’am,” she teased.
Looking over her shoulders, ready to explain why, “Girl, I been knowing that,” Shun stated. “That just goes to show you how long it’s been since I’ve done something for me.” She picked up one of her curls. “This hair right here is a sacrifice and a reminder of what being single and raising four kids can look like.”