“Looks great, sis.”
As they ate, Emmy continued to be composed and engage Carter in pleasant conversation. Jordan didn’t budge, and her stoic face did not flinch. From Carter’s occasional glances, she could tell he was worried. She had to do something.
****
Emmy contained herself. The hurt and angst inside her mixed with rising anger threatened to boil over. After the tender moments they spent together and the dreaming, Jordan was now falling apart. She told herself to calm down and wait. Maybe, Jordan would snap out of it, but as she and Carter carried on a conversation, Jordan became more of a zombie. Emmy had the urge to reach over and slap the shit out of her.
Abruptly, Jordan broke the silence. “Carter, I don’t want to lie to you. At least not anymore.” She grasped Emmy’s hand.
Jordan’s eyes bore into her. Emmy could see love mixed with concern, but most of all, Emmy could see the vulnerable moment when Jordan decided to let down her guard. Protective feelings, as well as pride, bubbled inside Emmy. Holding Emmy’s hand, Jordan was choosing to love and trust herself. Emmy squeezed to nudge her on.
In a voice calmer than Emmy would have thought, Jordan said, “I’m a lesbian, and Emmy is my girlfriend.”
Carter finished chewing the mouthful he had bit off and swallowed then broke out into a grin. “Wow. I was wondering what was going on. You’ve been so damn uptight since opening the door.” He stood, tousled Jordan’s hair, and kissed her forehead. “I love you.”
Jordan jumped up and gave him a bear hug. A few tears fell. She started to sniffle.
Carter broke their bond. “Stop looking sad. You’re my big sis. If Emmy makes you happy, then it was meant to be. I was just”—he laughed—“worried that I had…you know…” He looked embarrassed. “But I don’t blame you. Emmy is extremely attractive.”
In an instant, Jordan froze then whacked him hard on the arm. “You’re married.”
“Yeah, but I still have eyes.” Carter winked at Emmy and quickly added, “And I can clearly see you two are right for one another. That’s what I meant, Emmy. I didn’t offend you, did I?”
“Of course not. And I know what you meant.” She winked. “I’m quite happy with your sister.”
Jordan hugged Emmy tightly. “I’m so sorry. You probably didn’t expect a big scaredy-cat. I promise to get better.”
Emmy felt a little guilty for being mad. Even though Jordan and her brother were close, he was the first relative she had come out to. Be patient.
When the emotions finally settled down, Carter said, “I wish you both only the best.” He grinned wider. “Now if you don’t mind”—he pointed to his plate—“I’m hungrier than a lumberjack. Can you make me some French toast without burning it?”
Jordan jokingly punched him, and he sat back down.
Emmy kissed Jordan’s cheek. “You’re an amazing person, but I have to agree with your brother. I’m hungry, and I’ve never had your French toast.”
Jordan laughed and kissed Emmy softly on the lips. “Coming up.”
“Gee, sis. Pretty weak kiss. You’d better improve or Emmy might dump your ass.”
They were back on track with jokes and conversation about everything from sports and Carter’s kids’ activities, to the upcoming Redbud Spring Festival. While more challenges lay ahead, it was obvious Jordan was finding some peace at last. The transformation was soothing.
After breakfast, Carter stood and stretched. “Gotta go. Angie knows I’ve stopped off for some good food, but I also promised to plow Mom’s driveway before going home to sleep.”
They walked him to the door. Emmy was pleased that Jordan held her hand comfortably.
“You know sis, Mom always asks me how you’re doing when she sees me, and I’m sure Angie has told her I was over here. I will tell her that you’re doing well, but you should give her a break. In fact, she’s probably already guessed.” He winked. “She always seemed to know what we were up to before anyone else. She’s got that third eye and mom intuition down pat.” He paused. His eyes and tone were now serious. “Tell her when you’re ready. Just don’t take too long.”
Jordan hugged him. “I promise I won’t carry this secret around forever. As for Gerry, I have no idea when or if I’ll ever be ready to tell him.”
“Yeah, he probably will go berserk, but you know he’s off the range anyway. No one else in the family is quite as far out as him. Hold true to yourself. Don’t let him drag you down. Stand up to him, and I’ll be there with you, and I know Mom will be too.” Carter kissed Jordan and opened his arms to Emmy. “Emmy, I’m happy my sister finally has met someone as sweet as you. Sorry if I startled you all so early. I promise next time to call ahead.”
He wrapped around her tightly and kissed the top of her head. She could easily see why they were so close.
****
“I thank God you came into my life. You gave me the courage to come out to my brother—”
“What you did was courage from within. You needed to do this for yourself and for us. I’m proud you acknowledged your true self and spoke out for our love.”
Jordan was ready to burst as Emmy’s words “our love” echoed through her head. “I had to take a deep breath and go for it. I was surprised at the relief I felt.” Jordan quickly became solemn again. “I want us to grow as individuals and as a couple. This is just the beginning. I’m making the commitment to you. I’ll follow through.”
Emmy caressed the side of her face. “I believe you. But! You did have me worried there for a bit. I wasn’t sure who was standing before me. I was torn between hugging you and kicking your ass.”
“In the future, you’ll probably have to do both. I’m far from perfect.”
“I assure you, it will come easier.” Emmy grabbed Jordan’s jaw in a tight hold. “And don’t sell yourself short.”
“I promise I’ll try to do my best.”
“I know you will.”
Chapter Twenty
Emmy groaned when the alarm woke her out of a sound sleep. She felt the cold space next to her and heard the sounds from the kitchen. It had been several days and Jordan had gone back and forth with anxiety about speaking with her mother. Last night, she’d called and made plans to go bright and early. She didn’t know why Jordan chose the crack of dawn. Yawning, Emmy wandered into the kitchen. Jordan was at the table staring down and putting jam on toast. Her wrist moved back and forth aimlessly.
“I’m sure the jam tastes the same no matter how many times you spread it over the toast.”
Jordan stopped but didn’t reply.
“I can shower and go with you,” Emmy said softly.
“No. I have to do this alone.” The icy tone in Jordan’s voice was the scared one from the other day. From Jordan’s tight jaw and haggard looks, Emmy suspected she had been up for hours.
She grasped Jordan’s hand making her drop the knife. Neither Emmy’s touch nor the clatter of the silverware snapped Jordan out of her mood.
“Jordan, look at me.”
The vacant look tore up Emmy’s insides. She caressed Jordan’s cheek with her hand.
“Your mum loves you. You have nothing to worry about.”
“I know, but I’ve been this fake daughter for so long.”
“Stop right there!” Emmy clasped her hands around Jordan’s face. “You are a hardworking, loving daughter. You’re not fake, and no one is perfect. You’re scared because you have not sat down to talk—like no bullshit talk—with your mum for a long time.”
“Since high school.”
“I know you’re nervous, but you can do this. Your mum deserves to have her daughter back.”
“So many years have gone by.” Her voice cracked. “So much that needs to be said. I don’t know how to make it right.”
“It all begins with one small step. Have confidence in yourself and speak from the heart. You can’t change the past. What was that quote? Something about the present moment is an unfinished house. It’s time to r
emodel and redecorate. Life goes on.” Emmy saw Jordan’s muscles tense and her eyes closed. When she opened them, they were brimming with tears.
Jordan nodded. “I have to go.”
“Why don’t you take an hour and calm down.”
“Gerry’s coming over around lunch to work on some odds and ends in the house. I don’t want to risk running into him. I want to get it out of the way.”
Jordan stood and wrapped Emmy in her arms. “There’s simply a lot for me to deal with at one time. Thank you for loving me.” She gave Emmy a quick peck on the lips and walked out.
Emmy went back to bed but knew she wouldn’t sleep. Today would be nothing compared to Jordan coming out to the rest of the family. Emmy hoped she would stay strong. She was falling hard for this woman, and their relationship needed all of Jordan.
****
Gwyneth was surprised when Jordan called and asked to come over to talk for a couple of hours. She couldn’t remember the last time they’d had a serious conversation. Jordan rarely shared anymore, and their talks were often lopsided with Gwyneth struggling to fill the gaps. They had to fix this.
At least, Jordan seemed happy whenever she was around Emmy. Gwyneth warmed inside. Maybe Emmy was the one. Gwyneth had heard bits and pieces of positive stories over the years about Betty Jean’s niece. She sure seemed like a wonderful person. Hopefully, today was good news.
She dressed and made her way downstairs. As she was swallowing her medicine, she heard the key in the lock and the creaking of the door. It was six thirty.
“Happy to see you, dear. You’re extremely early. I’m not even sure my brain is functioning without the first cup of coffee, let alone my legs.”
Jordan gave a weak smile and hung up her coat. She sat in the breakfast nook with a thud.
“No walk today?”
“No. I need to talk. Let’s wait until the coffee is brewed.”
“That serious? Are you moving to Asia or something? You know I won’t let you.” Jordan’s expression was a forced smile, and she gave no reply.
“I baked chocolate-chip cookies last night. From the look on your face, I’d say we need to have some with our coffee.”
Gwyneth put the plate of cookies down. This time, Jordan had a bittersweet smile.
****
Chocolate-chip cookies were a favorite childhood dessert but were only served after dinner and no more than two apiece. The only other times her mom had allowed them was when serious conversations happened. Now was one of those times. After setting the table with two dessert plates and arranging the cookies and coffee, her mom put a box of tissues between them and patted her hand. Mom always knows when something is up. How does she do that?
“Love the new coffee pot. Brews fast and lets me pour midcycle.”
Jordan didn’t reply or look up from the table. They both fixed their coffee with cream and sugar in silence and chewed their first cookie. Although Jordan had rehearsed her words, the order was jumbled in her head, and her mouth felt dry.
“You know this conversation isn’t going to go far if you don’t talk. I’m here for you, honey. I always have been.” Gwyneth tenderly cupped Jordan’s face.
Jordan slouched in the chair but dared not look at her mother for fear of losing control. “I’m not sure where to start,” she mumbled.
“I do.” She gave Jordan’s hand a tight squeeze and didn’t let go. “I love you, Jordan. You’re the sweetest daughter any mother could ask for. Start anywhere.”
There were a few more minutes of silence before Jordan faced her. “You know how everyone was upset that Carter and Angie lived together a year before they were married? It’s kind of like that.”
When Jordan remained silent, Gwyneth prodded. “It wasn’t how my parents raised me, but Carter and Angie loved one another. Grammy and Poppa took some time to adjust. I think they did a pretty good job in the end. I liked Angie, and Carter was crazy in love. All I want for you kids and for my grandkids is happiness.”
She hadn’t expected anything different, yet these were the words Jordan desperately needed to hear. She nibbled her cookie again in silence.
“Who is the lucky person that has stolen your heart?”
Jordan had always used gender-neutral terms. She had become so used to it that she had forgotten when she started doing it. Now her mother had done the same thing. Come to think of it, Jordan had noticed Mom tended to do it in most conversations with her. Maybe she did know.
It was now or never. Jordan leaned forward and looked into her eyes. “Emmy.” She swallowed hard and looked for any condemnation. “We’ve seen each other since the holidays, almost daily, even if it’s a short visit at the restaurant.”
Gwyneth’s eyes twinkled. “Good. She’s a sweet girl. So why the sadness?”
Jordan ran her hand through her hair. “I’ve always been a lesbian.” A stab of guilt and pain ran through her and the nightmare from years past flashed through her head. She pushed it away. “I didn’t know how you’d take it.” She couldn’t hold back the tears any longer.
Gwyneth scooted her chair closer, leaned over, and hugged Jordan. Through a choked-up voice, she spoke. “As I said before, I love you, Jordan, and you are a most wonderful daughter. I don’t give a damn if you’re purple with yellow polka dots.”
Gwyneth rocked Jordan in silence for a while, kissing her cheek and smoothing her hair like when she was a little girl. Tears flowed on both sides.
Jordan managed to sit up and mumble, “You knew?”
Gwyneth looked deep into her eyes with her hand clasped around Jordan’s. “Well, you don’t date much or talk about men. I respected your privacy and hoped you would confide in me one day. The working yourself to death is not a solution. Every time I made a suggestion, you pushed me away. That hurt deeply. I was about ready to stop playing the silent supportive mother and force you to talk. In fact, that’s why I baked these damn chocolate-chip cookies. I’d already decided that you and I were going to have a heart-to-heart talk even if I had to drag it out of you.”
Jordan wiped away the tears and blew her nose. “Carter said you likely knew.”
“You’ve already talked to Carter?”
“I had to. He…um…he came by and plowed out my driveway yesterday morning and had breakfast with us. Ah…Emmy had spent the night. It was kind of awkward with no explanation.” She glanced at her mother who was grinning.
“Kind of like getting caught with Dave.”
Jordan blinked. Did she really say that? “This is awkward.”
“Yes, a little but we’re all human. Thought I’d let you know that you’re not the only one in the wood shed.”
Jordan put her hand up to her mouth as her mom laughed.
“Why so shocked? Do you think I should be chaste the rest of my life? Life and sex do not end at sixty.”
Jordan grabbed another cookie. “Okay. Got it, but TMI.”
“Well does Gerry know?”
“Not yet. I don’t want to tell him.”
“Then don’t.” Her mom was dead serious. “You tell those you want to tell and when you want to tell.”
“He will eventually find out. Emmy’s not in the closet, and I’m sure people in town will gossip if they haven’t already.”
“Why should you care?” Her mom sighed deeply. “Whatever happens, you’re going to have to ignore Gerry’s reaction. Hopefully, he will wake up one day. In the meantime, you can’t allow him or anyone else to dictate your happiness. You have to live your life for you. No one else. Don’t bow to others’ expectations. You don’t need his or anyone else’s approval.”
Jordan was amazed at her mother’s wisdom. She sat and stared into her face. She was a gorgeous woman—beautiful inside and out. Dave was one lucky person.
“I love you, Mom. I’m so sorry I didn’t come to you sooner.”
Gwyneth cocked her head and pinched Jordan’s cheek. “You always were the most precocious and independent child. Nothing wrong with that but I’m
so happy this is out in the open. I want to see more of you and Emmy. Now, how about you hop up and get us some more coffee? There are some hard-boiled eggs in the fridge too.”
The conversation had indeed gone well, and Jordan felt the burden lifted from her shoulders.
“You know, Mom.” She bit her lower lip. “Madrid was pretty liberal, at least where I lived. I had a lot of freedom. I would like to fully be out here.” She breathed a heavy sigh. “I know that’s not the best idea in this part of the country, but I’m so damn tired of hiding. What I’m saying is that I’ve decided to come out to more people in the next month. It means the world to me that you’ll be there for me.”
“I’ll always be there, and I’ll always give anyone a piece of my mind if they bad-mouth you or Emmy.”
“How do you think Grammy and Poppa will take the news? What about your brothers and sisters?”
Her mom reached out and tucked loose hair around her ear. “I suspect the only jackass will be Gerry. Be brave. Tell them when you’re ready. They love you too, Jordan. Make no mistake about it. You’re our flesh and blood. You may get some awkward questions, but I seriously doubt anyone is going to turn their back on you, especially Grammy and Poppa. You know, it’s not like homosexuality was magically invented yesterday.”
Jordan wrapped her in a big bear hug, and the two sat like that for some time before finishing their eggs. They also had to have one more chocolate-chip cookie. She felt at peace on the drive home.
****
Gwyneth waved goodbye. She still wondered what had happened in Spain. Hopefully, Jordan would tell her someday. For now, Jordan was happy with Emmy. She hadn’t been around her much, but Gwyneth liked the girl. She seemed honest, had a pleasant demeanor, and looked a person straight in the eyes when talking.
Jordan coming to terms with herself and wanting to mend their relationship meant so much to her. She needed her daughter. Yet, along with the happiness came the painful reality that Jordan wasn’t the only one who had held back. Gwyneth had her own little white lies. As every day went by, her conviction that her actions were for Jordan’s good crumbled and guilt ate at her.
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