Flashman Papers Omnibus

by Fraser George MacDonald

  I dam’ near swooned. We were on the very lip of the cleft where the rails ended, and I was staring down aghast into a narrow chasm whose smooth walls were visible for only a few yards before they vanished into black nothingness. I swayed giddily on the brink, my crotch shrinking as I tried to rear back from that awful void, but Willem held me in an iron grip, chuckling at my shoulder.

  “A soldier’s sepulchre, what? That’s where your mortal coil is goin’, when you’ve shuffled it off. Can’t tell how deep it is, but it looks as though it narrows a bit, some distance down, like those jolly French oubliettes, so you’ll probably stick fast. You won’t mind, bein’ dead. On t’other hand, if you won’t fight I’ll just have to drop you in alive, and the stickin’ process might last some time, wouldn’t you think?”

  That was when I broke. The horror of that gaping shaft, the thought of falling into blackness, the tearing agony of rasping to a flayed, bloody stop between the confining walls, jammed and helpless, to die by inches, rotting in the bowels of the earth … I raved, begging him to let me be, promising never to tell, struggling like a maniac until he pulled me away, and I sank to my knees, weeping buckets and babbling for mercy, promising him a fortune if he’d only spare me. He listened in some wonder, and then laughed as though a light had dawned.

  “I’ll be jiggered!” cries he. “It’s the Flashman gambit … grovel and whine – then strike when your man’s off guard! Didn’t I tell you the guv’nor warned me to beware when you started showin’ the white feather? Well, you’re doin’ it a shade too brown, Harry – and t’won’t answer, you know. I’m fly to you. ‘Sides, I probably have more cash in the bank than you do.”

  “Help!” I hollered. “Help, murder! Let me be, you lousy bully, you cruel bastard, you! I ain’t shamming, you infernal idiot, I swear I’m not! Oh, please, Starnberg … Willem, Bill, let me go and I’ll never tell! Help!”

  “Oh, cheese it, you daft dummy!” He grabbed my neck and pushed me prone, and the cords at my wrists fell away as he cut them through. He stepped swiftly back, as though expecting me to go for him, and watched me warily – he absolutely wasn’t sure whether I was bluffing or not. That’s what a reputation does for you. Then he wheeled about, strode away to the camp-bed, picked up the other sabre, and sent it slithering and clinking over the stone in my direction.

  “‘Play-actor’, the guv’nor called you, didn’t he?” says he. “Well, I don’t know – and what’s more, I don’t much care, but I’m gettin’ cold, and if you don’t take up that tool double quick I’ll pitch you down that hole without benefit of clergy, d’ye hear? So get up and come on!”

  “You can’t mean to butcher me!” I wailed. “My God, man, haven’t you any bowels?”

  “Ne’er mind about my bowels!” sneers he, casting aside his jacket. “You’ll be admirin’ your own presently. On guard!”

  There’s a moment, and I’ve faced it more often than I care to remember, when you’re rat-in-the-corner, all your wriggling and lying and imploring have failed, there’s nowhere to run, and your only hope is to do your damnedest and trust to luck and every dirty dodge you know. For a split second I wondered if his last threat had meant that he’d tackle me bare-handed, and if perhaps I was stronger than he … but no, in my lusty youth perhaps, but not now against that lithe young athlete, all steel and whipcord. I must just take my chance with the blade.

  I picked it up, and somehow the feel of the wire-bound grip steadied me, not much, but enough to face him as he waited, poised on his toes, sleek as a panther, the fine tawny head thrown back and the arrogant smile on his lips – and I felt the tiniest spark of hope.

  Whether my blubbering had truly made him wonder or not, I couldn’t tell, but one thing was sure – he hadn’t fooled me. Oh, he needed me dead for his skin’s sake, right enough, but he wasn’t thinking of that now, nor of sacrificing me to Rudi’s shade, which was so much eyewash. No, what was gripping Master Starnberg was the sheer wanton delight in killing, of adding my distinguished head to his trophy room, of proving his mastery and seeing the fear in the eyes of the beaten opponent at his mercy – I know all about it, you see, for I’ve enjoyed it myself, but while it’s a luxury that a wary coward can afford, it’s a weakness in a brave man who’s sure of his own superiority, for he forgets what your cold-blooded assassin (and your coward) never forget – that killing is a business, not a pleasure, and you must keep your sense of fun well in check.

  Another thing: he was an academic swordsman if ever I saw one, beautifully balanced as he glided forward and saluted, smirking, falling into the sabre guard with an ease that would have done de Gautet’s heart good to see. Well, I’d taken the brilliant de Gautet unawares (once), and I doubted if Starnberg was any smarter. So I gripped my hilt tight, like the rawest dragoon recruit, took a hesitant shuffle forward, and played my first card.

  “It ain’t fair!” I whined. “I’ve been trussed like a fowl – and I’m an old man, damn you! By gad, if I were your age, you’d think twice, you prancing pimp! Ain’t you your father’s son, though, taking every mean advantage … wait, rot your boots, I ain’t ready –”

  God, he was quick! One whip of his wrist and his blade was slicing at my neck, and if I hadn’t practised my favourite retire, which is to fall backwards, howling, my head would have been on the carpet. I scrambled up, shaken, one hope gone, for I’d intended to move close, mumping piteously, and give him the point unexpected. Now he came in like a dancer, unsmiling and bursting with blood-lust, cutting left and right, the blades clashing and grating, and I had to break ground to avoid being driven back to that awful chasm, side-stepping and tripping over those confounded rails, tumbling down the smooth slope almost to the water’s edge.

  He bore up, swearing. “D’you do all your fightin’ flat on your back, then? Come on, man, get up and look alive!”

  “I can’t! I’ve jarred my elbow! A-hh, I think it’s broken –”

  “No, it’s not, you lyin’ skunk! You ain’t hurt, so pick up your sword and stay on your feet!” And the callous swine pricked me on the leg, drawing blood. I damned his eyes and came afoot, moving cautiously back to the level, and as he cut high and low I gave back again, towards the tunnel mouth. If I could lure him in among the clutter of beds and cases he’d be hampered, and might even stumble … but he knew a trick worth two of that and drove me clear of the obstacles – and hope leaped within me, for if I retreated into the tunnel at my back we’d both be fighting in the dark, and I could drop flat and slash at his ankles …

  “You damned old fox!” shouts he, and with one lightning flurry of his blade he was past me while I cowered and scurried, warding his cuts any old how, and then he was after me again, snarling with laughter as he harried me back into the cavern proper. His sabre seemed to be everywhere, at head and shoulder and flank, and once he feinted low and gave me the point, but I turned it with the forte and in desperation loosed a wild scything sweep which he parried well enough, but paused, eyeing me with some respect.

  “Why, you ain’t so old, you faker!” cries he. “Though how you troubled the guv’nor, blowed if I know! He must ha’ been ill!”

  “He was full o’ wind and piss, like you!” I panted. “Ran like a whippet – aye, he didn’t tell you it ended with him turning tail, did he? No, he wouldn’t, not Slimy Starnberg!” I reviled Rudi with every insult I could muster, wheezing hoarsely as he drove me ever back, for I knew ’twas my only hope; my lungs and legs were labouring, and his young strength must prevail unless I could rile him into recklessness. But he was as cool as his father, damn him, chuckling triumphantly as I staggered away, swiping and swearing.

  “Bellows to mend, what?” says he. “Best save your breath … oh, stop sprintin’, can’t you? Come on, you old duffer, stand for once and let’s see what you’re made of!”

  So I did, not from choice but ’cos I was too used up to run, employing the rotten swordsman’s last resort, the Khyber-knife guard of the Maltese Cross, up-down-across with all y
our might. No opponent can touch you, but he don’t need to, since you’ll die of apoplexy from exertion, as I’d discovered back in ’60, when old Ghengiz the Mongol and I repelled Sam Collinson’s bannermen at the Summer Palace – leastways, old Ghengiz did while I lit out for pastures new.b But there was no Ghengiz now to bear the brunt, and I knew I couldn’t last but a few moments more, and then my aching arm and shoulder must fail, and this grinning, handsome sadist would beat down my feeble guard and drive his old steel through my shrinking carcase … and it would end here, in this clammy cavern, with the two tiny mannikins hacking away across its floor and the echoes of clashing swords resounding from the great stone arch overhead. I’d be cut down to death in this forgotten desolation, I who had survived Balaclava and Cawnpore and Greasy Grass, Fort Raim dungeon and Gettysburg and the guns of Gwalior, slaughtered by this mountebank who wasn’t more than half a swordsman anyway, for all his academic antics, or he’d have settled an old crock like me ages ago, and the hellish injustice and meanness of it all was like gall to my craven soul as I felt my strength ebbing and gave voice yet again to what I dare say will be my dying words one day:

  “It ain’t fair! I don’t deserve this – no, no, wait, for God’s sake, not yet … a-hhh, I’m done for … the doctor was right …” And I dropped my sabre, clutching at my heart, face contorted in agony, and sank to my knees.

  “What the devil!” cries Willem, as I clasped both hands to my bosom, groaning in unutterable pain, gaping wide to emit a croaking wheeze – and he stopped dead, sabre raised for the coup de grace.

  “You’re shammin’, you old sod!” cries he … but he came that vital step closer, and I hurled myself forward, my right fist aimed at his groin – and I missed, God damn it to Hell, for my blow caught him on the thigh and sent him staggering but not disabled, and as I grabbed my sabre and let go an almighty cut that should have taken his leg off, the brute parried it and came in hand and foot, eyes blazing.

  I turned and ran, shrieking in anticipation of his point in my back, eyes closed in panic, felt myself stumbling down an incline, and plunged flat on my face in freezing water. I was floundering in the shallows of the little lake, and as he came bounding to the margin, sabre raised for a downward cut, I scrambled away until I was knee-deep and out of reach. I daren’t go farther, for the cold of that hell-created tarn was fit to freeze Grendel, numbing my feet and calves in seconds, and I knew that immersion would mean death in minutes. He stopped on the brink, measuring the distance, but too wary to come after me, for the water must hinder his feet. He swore, snaking his point at me, and made as downright foolish a statement as ever I heard.

  “Come out of that, blast you! You can’t run forever!”

  “You callous swine!” I yammered. “Go away, you dirty rotter, let me alone, can’t you? Oh, Lor’, my legs are freezing, you hound!”

  “Well, come out, then! I ain’t stoppin’ you!”

  “Damned if I will! You’d cut me down foul, while I was climbing out!”

  “Don’t be an ass! As if I needed to. Oh, well, freeze or drown, as you please!”

  He backed up to the level, and I took a step towards the brink, where my sabre lay.

  “Come on, pick it up!” says he. “’Pon my soul, you’re as good as a play, you are!”

  “You won’t take me unawares?” cries I, crouching furtive-like, extending a wary hand towards my sabre. “You’ll give me a moment … Bill? Please? My feet are frozen solid … won’t answer …”

  “God forbid that the renowned Flashman should die with cold feet!” He laughed impatiently. “Never fear, I’ll wait.” And as I put a foot on the dry stone, gasping elaborately, he half-turned away in contempt – and I thought, now or never, put my hand on the forte of the blade, grasped it, and launched it spear-fashion with all my remaining strength at his unguarded flank.

  For an instant I thought I’d got him, for the sabre flew true as an arrow, but his speed saved him. He’d no time to dodge, but his sword-hand moved like lightning, the blades rang together, and the flying sabre was swept high into the air to fall clattering almost at the mouth of the tunnel. By which time I was on him, fists and cold feet flying, grappling him, and down we went together in a tangle of limbs, Flashy roaring and Willem spitting curses. I took a wild punch at his head and missed, yelping as my knuckles struck the stone, and as I rolled away blind with pain he was on his feet, cutting down at me. His sword struck sparks within an inch of my head, I scrambled on to all fours and came erect – and there he was, extending himself in a lunge that there was no avoiding, and I died in that split second as his point sank home in my unprotected body.

  What is it like to be run through? I’ll tell you. For an instant, nothing. Then a hideous, tearing agony for another instant – and then nothing again, as you see the blade withdrawn and the blood welling on your shirt, for the pain is lost in shock and disbelief as your eyes meet your assailant’s. It’s a long moment, that, in which you realise that you ain’t dead, and that he’s about to launch another thrust to finish you – and it’s remarkable how swiftly you can move then, with a hole clean through you from front to back, about midway between your navel and your hip, and spouting gore like a pump. (It don’t hurt half as much as a shot through the hand, by the way; that’s the real gyp.)

  Well, I moved, as Starnberg whirled up his sabre for a cut, and the pain returned with such a sickening spasm that I was near paralysed, and what should have been a backward spring became an agonised stagger, clutching my belly and squealing (appropriately) like a stuck pig. His cut came so close that the point ripped my sleeve, and then the back of my thighs struck something solid, and I went arse over tip into one of the bogie trucks standing on the rails – and the force of my arrival must have jolted its ancient wheels loose from the dust of ages, for the dam’ thing began to move.

  For a moment all the sense was jarred out of me, and then Willem shouted – with laughter! – and through waves of pain I remembered that the rails ran slightly downwards from the tunnel mouth, and that the bogie must be rolling, slowly at first but with increasing momentum, towards that ghastly oubliette where the rails ended.

  If I’ve sinned in my time, wouldn’t you say I’ve paid for it? There I was, on the broad of my back, legs in the air, leaking blood by the pint with my guts on fire, confined by the sides of the truck, helpless as a beetle on a card as I trundled towards certain death. Bellowing with pain and panic, I grabbed for the top of one side, missed my hold, regained it with a frantic clutch, and heaved myself up bodily with an agonising wrench to my wound. I had a glimpse of Willem shouting in glee – I won’t swear he didn’t flourish his sabre in a farewell salute, the gloating kite – and as I tried to heave myself clear the confounded truck lurched, throwing me off balance, it was gathering speed, bumping and swaying over the last few yards of track, and as the front wheels went over the edge with a grating crash I tumbled over the side, my shoulder hit the stone with a numbing jar – and my legs were kicking in empty air! I flailed my arms for a hold on the stone, and by the grace of God my left hand fell on the nearside rail, and I was hanging on for dear life, my chest on the stone, my bleeding belly below the brink of the chasm, and the rest of me dangling into the void.

  Far below the falling truck was crashing against the rock walls, but I’ll swear it made less noise than I did. Feeling my grip slide on the worn wood, I fairly made the welkin ring, striving and failing to haul myself up, getting my numbed right forearm on to the surface, but powerless to gain another inch, my whole right side throbbing with pain … and Willem was striding towards me, sabre in hand, grinning with unholy delight as he came to a halt above me. And then he hunkered down, and (it’s gospel true) spoke the words which were a catchphrase of my generation, employed facetiously when some terrible crisis was safely past:

  “Will you have nuts or a cigar, sir?”

  I doubt if the noise I made in reply was a coherent request for assistance, for my sweating grasp was slipping on the
rail, I was near fainting with my wound, and already falling in tortured imagination into the stygian bowels of the Saltzkammergut. But he got the point, I’m sure, for he stared into my eyes, and then that devilish, mocking smile spread over his young face … and what he did then you may believe or not, as you will, but if you doubt me … well, you didn’t know Willem von Starnberg, or Rudi, for that matter.

  He rested on one knee, laid down his sabre, and his right hand closed on my left wrist like a vice, even as my fingers slipped from the rail. With his left hand he brought his cigarette case from his breast pocket, selected one of his funereal smokes, pushed it between my yammering lips, struck a match, and said amiably:

  “No cigar, alas … but a last cigarette for the condemned man, what?”

  You may say it was the limit of diabolic cruelty, and I’ll not dispute it. Or you may say he was stark crazy, and I’ll not dispute that, either. At the moment I had no thoughts on the matter, for I was barely conscious, with no will except that which kept my right forearm on the stone, knowing that when it slipped I’d be hanging there by his grip on my other wrist alone … until he let go. I know he said something about cigars being bad for the wind anyway, and then: “Gad, but you do give a fellow a run for his money,” and on those words he gripped my collar, and with one almighty heave deposited me limp, gasping, and bleeding something pitiful, on the floor of the cave.

  For several minutes I couldn’t stir, except to tremble violently, and when I had breath to spare from groaning and wheezing and lamenting my punctured gut, which was now more numb than painful, I know I babbled a blessing or two on his head, which I still maintain was natural. It didn’t suit him a bit, though; he stood looking vexed and then flung away the gasper and demanded: “Why the devil can’t you die clean?” to which I confess I had no ready answer. If I had a thought it was that having saved me, he was now bound to spare me, and I guess the same thing was occurring to him and putting him out of temper. But I can’t say what was passing in his mind – indeed, to this day I can’t fathom him at all. I can only tell you what was said and done that morning in that godforsaken salt-mine above Ischl.