“I think so. But it won’t be warm enough, so I brought two more.” He took her hand and led her out to the porch.
It was colder now and dark, but somehow it seemed as if no time had passed since Julia took Gabriel’s hand and followed him into the woods. She inhaled sharply at the memory, and as they crossed the backyard in the inky darkness, she felt her heart beginning to pound in her chest.
Gabriel squeezed her hand. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
“You’re nervous, I can tell. Talk to me.”
He let go of her hand and wrapped his arm around her waist, pulling her close.
She hugged his waist in return. “The last time I was in these woods I got lost. You have to promise that you won’t leave me.”
“Julianne, I am not going to leave you. You don’t understand how important you are to me. I can’t even imagine what it would be like to lose you.” The pitch of Gabriel’s voice changed; it was low, tense.
His declaration took her by surprise.
“If for some reason we get separated, I want you to wait for me. I’ll find you, I promise.” Gabriel pulled a flashlight out of his pocket, and it shone brightly, illuminating the well-worn path in front of them, which disappeared into the trees.
The woods were spooky at night—a mixture of lush pines and naked trees waiting for spring. Julia clutched at Gabriel’s waist more tightly, worried that she might trip over a root or something and go sprawling. When they arrived at the edge of the orchard, he stopped.
It seemed smaller than Julia remembered it. The grassy space looked the same, and the rock and the apple trees were the same, but not as large and significant as they were in her memory. And sadder, as if everything had been forgotten.
Gabriel led her to the spot that was theirs all those years ago and painstakingly spread the old blanket on the ground.
“Who bought Richard’s house?” she asked.
“What’s that?”
“I was just wondering who bought the house. Tell me it wasn’t Mrs. Roberts. She always wanted it.”
Gabriel pulled her to sit next to him on the ground and draped them both in blankets. She curled into his side, and he wrapped his arms about her. “I bought it.”
“Really? Why?”
“I wasn’t going to allow Mrs. Roberts to live here and chop down all the trees.”
“So you bought the house because of the orchard?”
“I couldn’t stand the idea of someone else owning it and possibly destroying it. Of never being able to come back here.”
“So what will you do?”
He shrugged. “My real estate agent will rent it out. I’d like to keep it as a summer house. I don’t know. I just couldn’t let Richard sell it to a stranger.”
“It was very generous of you.”
“Money means nothing. I can never repay him.”
Julia pressed a kiss to his cheek.
He smiled at her. “Are you comfortable?”
“Yes.”
“Are you warm enough?”
She giggled. “You’re generating quite a bit of heat, so yes.”
“You’re too far away.”
Even in the moonlight, Julia could see his eyes grow dark. She scooted closer to him and trembled slightly as he placed her sideways on his lap.
“That’s better,” he whispered, pulling her peacoat up slightly so that he could touch the naked skin of her lower back.
“Can I ask you something?” Julia looked at him pensively.
“Of course.”
“Why isn’t your last name Clark?”
He sighed. “Emerson was my mother’s name. I thought if I changed it, I would be disowning her. And I’m not a Clark. Not really.”
They were quiet for a few minutes, each coming to terms with memories and reality. Gabriel continued to caress her back, and she nuzzled up against him. He didn’t seem to be in a hurry to start a conversation, so Julia decided to speak first.
“I had a crush on you from the moment I saw your picture. I was so surprised that you noticed me the night I met you—that you wanted me to come with you.”
He brushed his lips against hers, just for an instant, fanning the flames that flickered below the surface. “You appeared to me in my darkness. You asked me once why I didn’t sleep with you that night. It’s so clear to me now; I drank in your goodness, and it satisfied my longings.”
Julia would have looked away, embarrassed, but Gabriel’s vulnerable gaze kept her there, exploring the depths of two dark shadowy pools.
“I don’t remember everything, but I remember thinking that you were very beautiful. Your hair, your face, your mouth. Sonnets could be written about your mouth, Julianne. I ached to kiss it from the moment I saw you.”
Julia pressed their chests together and grasped his neck with both hands, urging his mouth forward. She kissed him slowly but with feeling, tugging on his lower lip with her teeth, exploring his mouth with her tongue.
He placed his large hands flush against her back, almost lifting her. She responded by shifting her legs and moving to straddle him. He groaned in her mouth at their sudden and intense connection and held her even more tightly. His hands began to rub against her flesh, gliding up to the edge of her lacy bra strap and then back down again to the waistband of her jeans, teasing and tracing the barriers to her skin. It was so smooth, so soft. He wished he could see it in the moonlight. He wished he could see all of her.
Gabriel pulled away from her mouth when he felt her shiver. “Are you all right, love?”
She started at the unfamiliar term but then a slow smile crept across her face. “More than all right. I…” She paused and shook her head.
“What is it?”
“You’re very…intense.”
Without thinking, Gabriel threw his head back and laughed. His chest vibrated with good humor, and Julia almost found herself laughing too. If she hadn’t thought he was laughing at her. He reached his thumb up to pull her lower lip from between her teeth.
“If you think my actions are intense, then it’s a good thing you don’t know what I’m thinking at this moment.”
He shifted underneath her, and if she hadn’t noticed before, she noticed now. Where their two bodies pressed up against one another there was solidity and heat, the promise of something mysterious and satisfying.
She flushed at the way his body responded to her but didn’t break eye contact. “Tell me.”
“I want to make love to you because I care about you. I want to worship your naked body with my own and learn all of your secrets. I want to please you, not for minutes, but for hours and even days. I want to see you arch your back in ecstasy and look into your eyes when I make you come.” He sighed and shook his head, his gaze heated but resolute. “But not here. It’s too cold and it’s your first time and there are some things we need to discuss first.” He tenderly kissed her forehead, worried that she would interpret his declaration as a rejection.
“I want you to feel safe and comfortable. I want to adore every part of you. And that’s going to take time. And—ah—it’s going to require more amenities than this field can afford.” He smiled at her seductively and cocked an eyebrow at her. “Of course, what I want is of very little consequence. What is at issue is what you want.”
“I think my feelings are pretty clear.”
“Are they?” His voice sounded unsure.
She leaned up to kiss him but caught his chin instead of his lips. “I wouldn’t be here with you in cold weather if I didn’t want to be.”
“It’s still nice to hear.”
“Gabriel Emerson, I want you,” she breathed. “In fact, I—” She bit down on her lip roughly to keep from saying the four letter word.
“You can say it,” he whispered. “It will be all right. Say what you feel.”
“I—I want you to be my first. I’m yours, Gabriel. If you want me.”
“I want nothing more.”
This time he ca
ptured her mouth. His kiss was filled with promise and resolve. The intensity set fire to Julia’s insides, stirring and swirling her desires.
Gabriel wanted her. It had always been there in his kiss, but the line between hunger and affection was so easily misread. She was no longer concerned with that line, there was just his body pressed up against hers and their two mouths connected while their hands gently explored one another. In their orchard, which was Paradise, there were only two almost-lovers and no one and nothing else.
As their kisses grew more passionate, Gabriel slowly reclined backward onto the blanket, pulling her until he was flat and she was kneeling on either side of him. Her chest pressed against his, and a pleasant friction arose between their hips. She moved atop him, shamelessly pressing her softness and curves against him. It was like nothing she had ever felt before.
He allowed her to continue, but only for a moment or two. He freed her lips and traced her cheekbones with his thumbs, lightly back and forth, his gaze heated.
“I burn for you, Julianne, but it’s more than just a physical hunger. I crave you, all of you.” He sighed and shook his head. “I hate to do this, but there are a few things we need to discuss.”
Julia’s sigh matched his. “Such as?”
“Such as my trip to Italy. I should have told you first.”
She sat up slowly. “Professors travel for work. I know that.” She dropped her gaze to the blanket beneath them.
Gabriel sat up too. “Julianne.” He lifted her chin with a single finger. “Don’t hide from me. Tell me what you are thinking.”
She twisted her hands together. “I know I don’t have any right to be—demanding, but it hurt to find out that Richard knew about your trip before I did.”
“You have every right to be demanding. I am your boyfriend. I should have told you first.”
“Are you my boyfriend?” she whispered.
“I’m more than that. I am your lover.”
Gabriel’s words and his voice, low and sensual, sent a shiver up her spine.
“Even though we aren’t having sex?”
“Lovers are intimate with one another in many different ways. But you need to know that I desire all intimacy with you and only you. So the term boyfriend is inadequate. And I’m very sorry I hurt your feelings. My trip to Italy came up when Richard and I discussed the house because it affected our arrangements.
“I received the invitation from the Uffizi months ago, long before you came to Toronto. I wanted to bring it up, but I was putting it off until we were more—comfortable with one another.”
She peered over at him with interest.
“I wanted your Christmas gift to be a trip to Florence. Of course I don’t want to go alone. The thought of leaving you behind, of being separated from you—” His voice grew rough. “I was worried you’d refuse, that you would think it was a tool of seduction.”
She frowned at him. “Do you really want me to go with you?”
“I’d rather not go if you won’t accompany me.”
She smiled widely and kissed him. “Then thank you for the invitation. I accept.”
Gabriel smiled in relief and buried his face in her hair. “After what happened with the clothes, I was convinced you’d say no. I’ll book separate accommodations, if you wish. And I’ll book you an open ticket so you can leave if you decide—”
“Gabriel, I said yes. With all my heart. I can think of no one I’d rather visit Florence with, and please let me stay with you.” She looked at him shyly. “The semester will be over. We wouldn’t be breaking the rules if we were to…if you were to decide to take me to your bed and make me yours—”
He cut her off with a searing kiss. “Are you sure? Are you sure you want me to be your first?”
She gazed at him earnestly. “It was always you, Gabriel. I never wanted anyone else. You are the man I’ve been waiting for.”
She initiated a soft kiss that quickly escalated. Within moments she was lying on top of him, their bodies flush together. She was so close to him, to it, to everything. And she’d never wanted to be closer, not even during their tango in the museum.
He pulled back, panting, dragging his lips down her neck. Carefully avoiding her love bite from earlier, he brushed a kiss against her hair. Julia moaned and wrapped his hair around her fingers.
“It’s too dangerous, love. I can’t kiss you the way I would like to and be able to stop.”
Despite his protestation, his hands ran tantalizing courses up and down the curves of her bottom and over the flare of her hips, teasing and pressing into her. Julia tried to kiss him again, but he caught her face with his hand, stroking her gently.
“Too much of that and I’ll have you right here,” he whispered. “You deserve better. You deserve everything, and that’s what I’m going to give to you.”
She leaned into his hand.
“Given your decision, there are a few other things we should discuss.” Gabriel’s voice was no longer playful and sultry. He cleared his throat and took a couple of deliberate deep breaths. “If you choose to go on the pill or if you are on it already, that’s fine. But I need to tell you that contraception is unnecessary.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I can’t have children, Julianne.”
She blinked at him.
“Are children something you always wanted? Maybe I should have brought this up sooner.” He shifted somewhat anxiously.
She paused as his revelation began to sink in. “I didn’t exactly come from a happy family. There have been times when I thought it might be nice to have a husband and a baby. But I never really thought something like that would work out for me.”
“Why not?”
She shrugged and averted her eyes. “I never thought I’d find someone who could love me. I’m not exactly sexy. I’m shy. And weak.”
“Oh, Julia.” He embraced her and kissed her on both cheeks. “You’re wrong. You are incredibly sexy. And you are far from weak.”
She fingered the lapel of his leather jacket for a moment. “I’m sorry to hear that you can’t have children. Lots of couples have trouble conceiving.”
Gabriel stiffened. “Their situations are completely different.”
“How so?”
“Their infertility is natural.”
Julia noticed Gabriel’s eyes narrow as he watched her with a very worried expression.
She raised a hand to his face and gently touched his cheek. “Were you very disappointed when you found out?”
He grasped her wrist and removed her hand from his face. “I was relieved, Julianne. And I didn’t find out.”
“Then how…”
“I made the decision to have myself sterilized when I came out of rehab.”
She swallowed hard.
“Oh Gabriel, why?”
“Because someone like me shouldn’t reproduce. I told you about my father. I told you what I was like when I was doing drugs. I thought it would be irresponsible to leave open any kind of paternity. So I had it taken care of, and I will not have it reversed. I decided that there would be no children for me. Ever.”
He turned his piercing gaze on her. “I didn’t account for you, though. And now I almost regret my decision. But really, Julianne, it’s better this way. Trust me.” His body suddenly tensed, as if he were preparing himself for an onslaught. “You might decide it would be best not to get involved with me now.”
“Gabriel, please. I just—need a minute.” Julia moved to sit beside him as she tried to process the information he’d just given her.
Gabriel followed suit, tugging on one of the blankets so that it was wrapped around her entirely. She realized that he’d given her a half-admission, that the true secret was the event or events that led to his despair. Those events had to be more than just his upbringing and his drug use.
Does it matter? Is there a secret he could tell that would kill your love for him?
He was as still as a statue in the cascadin
g moonlight, awaiting her response. The minutes seemed like hours to him.
I love him. Nothing he could say could kill that. Nothing.
“I’m so sorry, Gabriel.” She flung her arms around his neck. “But I still want you. I realize there might come a time when we need to revisit this conversation, but I’ll accept what you’ve said for now.”
At first he was taken aback by her reaction. Then her gentle acceptance overwhelmed him. It made it difficult for him to find the right words.
“Julia, I need to tell you who I am. What I am.” He was suddenly insistent.
“I will listen to whatever you have to say, but I still want you. It was always you, Gabriel.”
He cupped her face in his hands and kissed her gently, as if his soul was begging to be joined to hers. “It was always you, Julianne. Only you.”
He held her and breathed in her comfort. All of a sudden, he could see the future. He had hope. He had faith that maybe, just maybe, when she knew everything, she would look at him with those big, brown eyes and say that she still wanted him.
You love her. Once again the voice came out of nowhere, only this time Gabriel recognized it. And he silently whispered his thanks.
“You seem so far away, love.” Julia smiled as she used his new term.
He kissed her softly. “I’m right where I want to be. Perhaps tonight isn’t the best night to share all our secrets. But I can’t take you to Italy without telling you everything. And I would like you to tell me everything too.” He looked into her eyes with a very serious expression. “I can’t ask you to bare your body to me without asking you to bare your soul. I want to do the same with you. I hope you understand.” With his eyes he tried to express his feelings, how he was thinking only of her in adding this prerequisite.
She nodded slowly in agreement. He pressed their lips together, and Julia sighed, resting her head against his chest and listening to the steady, contented rhythm of his heart. Time passed or stood still. Two almost-lovers entwined beneath a dark November sky, the stars and moonlight their only illumination.
***
The next morning, Julia awoke early and walked down the hallway to take a shower. She dressed and packed her suitcase, knocking on Gabriel’s door at eight o’clock. But there was no answer. She pressed the curve of her ear against the door and listened. There was no movement. No sound.
Gabriel's Inferno Trilogy Page 47