“I agreed to accept their sanctions if they brought the investigation to a speedy conclusion. The hearing officers were only too glad to dispose of the matter without a lawsuit and they agreed, promising leniency.”
Julia wore a pained expression.
“Unfortunately, their definition of lenience and mine were two different things. I expected to be censured, not forced to take a leave of absence.”
He scrubbed at his face with his hands. “Jeremy was furious at the prospect of losing me, even for a semester. I’d caused a scandal that would embarrass not only him but my colleagues and the other students in the department. Christa was filing a lawsuit against the university too. It was a huge mess, and I was at the root of it.”
“We were at the root of it, Gabriel. I knew the rules, and I broke them too.”
He gave her a half-smile. “The rules are written in such a way as to excuse the student because the professor is the one with the power.”
“The only power you had over me was love.”
He kissed her softly. “Thank you.”
Gabriel’s heart was full, almost to the brim. She hadn’t looked back at their time together and viewed him the way the hearing officers did. She hadn’t recoiled when he kissed her. In fact, her lips had welcomed him. She gave him hope that by the end of his story, she’d still be at his side.
“When they brought Jeremy in, I begged him to help us. I promised I’d do anything.”
“Anything?” Julia asked.
He shifted again. “I had no idea he was going to side with the hearing officers and demand that I cease all contact with you. It was a rash promise made in a fit of desperation.”
Julia moved away from him. “What did he say?”
“He persuaded the committee to place me on administrative leave. It was effectively a suspension, but they didn’t call it that in order to avoid tainting the department. I was also prohibited from supervising female graduate students for a term of three years.”
“I’m so sorry. I had no idea.”
He pressed his lips together. “I was told to end things with you immediately and cease all contact. They said if I violated this condition, the agreement would be void and they would re-open the investigation, into both of us.” He paused, seemingly struggling for words.
“If they thought I was a victim, why would they threaten to investigate me again?”
Gabriel’s blue eyes cooled. “The Dean suspected you were telling the truth—that our relationship was consensual and that I was trying to save your reputation. He wasn’t about to let us go off into the sunset together. That’s why I sent you the email.”
“That email was cruel.”
Gabriel’s eyebrows knitted together. “I know. But since I was sending it from my university account to your university account, I assumed you’d realize it was all for show. Have I ever spoken to you like that before?”
She gave him a challenging look.
He winced. “I mean, have I spoken to you like that since I realized who you were?”
“Could the university really demand that you stop talking to me?”
Gabriel shrugged. “They did. The threat of Christa’s lawsuit was hanging over all of us. Jeremy seemed to think that if I took a leave of absence that he could convince Christa to drop the lawsuit. And he did. But once again, he said that if he found out I was still seeing you, he wouldn’t lift a finger to help me.”
“That’s blackmail.”
“That’s academia. Christa’s lawsuit would have damaged the department, possibly irreparably. Jeremy would have lost the ability to recruit top faculty and students because people would hear that it wasn’t a safe place to be. I didn’t want to be embroiled in a scandal any more than he did, and I certainly didn’t want you hauled into a courtroom as a witness.”
Gabriel cleared his throat, clearly struggling. “I agreed. Jeremy and the Dean made it clear that they would interview you at the end of the semester to see if I’d kept my promise. I had no choice.”
Julia toyed with the folds of her dress. “Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you demand a recess so you could explain what was happening? We were a couple, Gabriel. We were supposed to work together.”
He swallowed thickly. “What would have happened if I’d taken you aside and explained what I was about to do?”
“I wouldn’t have let you go through with it.”
“Exactly. I wasn’t going to allow you to lose everything because of my failures. I couldn’t live with that. I only hoped that you would forgive me—someday.”
Julia was stunned.
“You were willing to risk everything to save me, thinking that I might not forgive you?”
“Yes.”
Julia felt her eyes grow teary, and she swiped at them blindly. “I wish you could have told me.”
“So do I, but I promised Jeremy that I’d stay away. Before he entered the hallway, I tried to speak to you, but John and Soraya kept interrupting.”
“I know, but—”
He interrupted her. “If I’d told you it was only temporary, they would have realized from your expression. They would have known I had no intention of following through on my promise. I’d given my word.”
“But you planned to break it.”
“Yes. Yes, I did.” He was quiet again for a moment, looking off into the distance.
“That doesn’t make sense, Gabriel. You made all kinds of promises to them, but you broke them. You put the textbook in my box, you wrote me a message…”
“I planned to do more. I was going to email you, saying that it was only until the end of the semester. Once you’d graduated and I’d resigned, we would renew our relationship. That is, if you still wanted me.”
Gabriel’s voice dropped. “I knew you would be watched. And that the Dean would interview you to find out if I’d kept my promise. I worried about your ability to lie.”
“That’s bullshit,” said Julia fiercely. “You could have sent me an email and explained that I needed to pretend to be heartbroken. I’m not a great actress, but I can act a little.”
“There were other—factors.”
She closed her eyes. “When I fell, you looked at me as if you hated me. You looked disgusted.”
“Julia, please.” He grabbed her hand and pulled her to his chest. “That look was not meant for you. Any disgust I felt was directed at the hearing and myself. That look was not meant for you, I swear.”
Julia shed more than a few tears at that moment, the consequence of shock and anxiety and a measure of relief at having her questions answered. But some of the most important questions remained.
“I hate that I’ve made you cry again,” Gabriel said ruefully, running a hand up and down her back to comfort her.
Julia wiped her eyes. “I need to go home.”
“You can stay with me tonight.” He glanced down at her cautiously.
She was conflicted. Staying with him could possibly undercut all the things she had yet to say, but running back to her cold, dark apartment seemed cowardly. As always, she knew that once she allowed herself to curl into his side, her body and heart would drag her mind along with them.
“I should go.” She sighed in defeat. “But I can’t bring myself to leave right now.”
“Then stay—in my arms.” He kissed her forehead, murmuring his love against her skin.
Slowly, he extricated himself from her embrace and retrieved a couple of blankets, pausing to blow out the candles as he did so. He left the tea lights lit in the Moroccan lamps overhead, admiring the play of light and color against the walls of the tent. The very air shimmered.
They made a nest together in the center of the futon. Gabriel lay on his back with his beloved at his side. He did nothing to stifle the deep sigh of contentment that escaped his lips as he wrapped his arm about her shoulders.
“Gabriel?”
“Yes?” He stroked her hair slowly, reveling in the feel of the silkiness of the strands
as they slipped through his fingers. He tried to savor her new, unfamiliar scent but found himself mourning the loss of the old one.
“I—missed you.”
“Thank you.” He squeezed her tightly as a feeling of cautious relief coursed through him.
“I used to lie awake at night, wishing you were with me.”
Gabriel’s eyes watered at the sound of her vulnerability and her courage. If he ever had a moment’s doubt that he would love and admire her forever, no matter whether she chose him or not, that doubt faded away like a wisp of smoke.
“Me too.”
She hummed to herself and within minutes, the two weary, former lovers were sound asleep.
Chapter 46
Julia opened her eyes and saw bright July sunlight streaming in through the open door of the tent. She was curled up under two cashmere blankets that had been lovingly tucked around her. She was alone. Were it not for the fact that she knew that the tent belonged to Gabriel, she would have thought that she’d dreamed the previous evening. Or that she’d woken up to a new dream.
As she got out of bed, she found a note next to her pillow.
Darling,
You were sleeping so peacefully that I didn’t want to disturb you. I’ll ask Rebecca to make waffles for breakfast because I know you like them. Falling asleep in your arms again reminded me that I was only half a person in your absence.
You make me whole.
With love,
Gabriel.
Julia couldn’t deny the fact that a variety of emotions came upon her as she read the note, like a symphony of different instruments. Perhaps the most dominant feeling was that of relief.
Gabriel loved her. Gabriel had returned.
But forgiveness and reconciliation were two different things, and she knew that although other forces had been at work to effect their separation, she and Gabriel each bore responsibility for the situation in which they currently found themselves. Julia didn’t want to run back into his arms only to escape the pain of their separation; that would be like taking a pill to kill a pain without investigating its root causes.
She found her shoes and slowly walked across the garden, retrieving her purse before entering the back door. Rebecca was already at work in the small kitchen, preparing breakfast.
“Good morning.” She greeted Julia with a smile.
“Good morning.” Julia motioned toward the staircase that led to the second floor. “I was just going to use the bathroom.”
Rebecca wiped her hands on her apron.
“I’m afraid Gabriel is in it.”
“Oh.”
“Why don’t you knock on the door? He might be finished.”
The thought of running into Gabriel, damp from the shower, wrapped in a towel, made Julia’s skin grow pink.
“Um, I’ll wait. May I?” She gestured to the kitchen sink and, with Rebecca’s permission, proceeded to wash her hands. When they were dried, she removed a hair elastic from her purse and pulled her hair into a ponytail.
Rebecca invited her to sit down at the small, round kitchen table. “This house isn’t very convenient with only one bathroom. I end up having to climb those stairs several times a day. Even my little house has two bathrooms.”
Julia was surprised. “I thought that you lived here.”
Rebecca laughed as she retrieved a pitcher of freshly squeezed orange juice from the refrigerator. “I live in Norwood. I used to live with my mother, but she passed away a few months ago.”
“I’m sorry.” Julia gave Rebecca a sympathetic look as she poured orange juice into two wine glasses.
“She had Alzheimer’s,” said Rebecca simply before returning to her cooking.
Julia watched as she plugged in an electric waffle maker and proceeded to wash and hull a basket of fresh strawberries and whip some cream. Gabriel had planned the breakfast well.
“It’s going to be an adjustment to keep house for a professor after looking after my mother. He’s a bit particular, but I like that. Did you know that he’s lending me books? I’ve just started reading Jane Eyre. I’ve never read it before. He says that as long as I keep cooking I can keep borrowing books. Finally, I have a chance to further my education and use everything I learned from years of watching the Food Network.”
“He’s lending you books from his personal library?” Julia sounded incredulous.
“Yes. Isn’t that nice? I don’t know the professor very well, but I’m already fond of him. He reminds me of my son.”
Julia sipped her orange juice and began to eat her breakfast, urged as she was not to wait for Gabriel’s arrival.
“I don’t know why he bought this house when the kitchen is so small and there’s only one bathroom.” She spoke between bites of a cinnamon flavored waffle.
Rebecca wore a knowing smile. “He wanted to live in Harvard Square, and he liked the garden. He said that it reminded him of his parents’ place back home. He plans to renovate the house to make it more comfortable, but he refused to book a single contractor until you gave your approval.”
“My approval?” Julia’s fork clattered to the floor.
Rebecca efficiently handed her another one. “He might have said something about selling it if you didn’t like it. Although given the language I heard coming from upstairs this morning, I think he has decided to begin his renovations immediately.”
She passed a plate of crispy bacon to Julia. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, but the professor can be a little intense.”
Julia laughed loudly. “You have no idea.”
She was able to enjoy not one but two waffles before the sound of Gabriel and his Italian shoes came thumping down the stairs.
“Good morning,” he greeted her, kissing the top of her head.
“Good morning.” Acutely aware of Rebecca’s presence, Gabriel and Julia made polite small talk for a moment or two before Julia excused herself to visit the bathroom.
With one look at her face and hair in the mirror, she realized that she needed to have a shower. And that’s when she noticed a shopping bag placed neatly on the corner of the vanity.
Inside the bag she found bottles of her old brand of vanilla shampoo and shower gel, along with a new lavender-colored poof. Even more surprisingly, she found a pale yellow summer dress with a matching cardigan. It took a moment or two for her to overcome the sudden, almost overwhelming feeling that passed over her. But she swallowed it back and showered and dressed, making herself presentable.
She was grateful to have clean clothes to wear but slightly irritated at Gabriel’s presumption. She wondered if she’d find lingerie in her size hanging in his closet. She wondered if, when he moved the contents of his condo, he kept all the clothes and items she’d left behind.
She swept her hair behind her ears. Grace’s earrings were hidden in the back of her underwear drawer with a few other precious things, in her apartment. She knew that putting them away, although it seemed necessary when he left, had injured Gabriel deeply.
They’d wounded each other, and both were in need of forgiveness and healing. But Julia couldn’t decide what path would be the best one to take in order for her to mend. The obvious choices in life aren’t always the correct ones.
When she finally came downstairs, Rebecca was cleaning up the kitchen and Gabriel was in the garden. She found him sitting in a chair under the shade of a large umbrella.
“Are you all right?” she asked, for his eyes were closed.
He opened his eyes and smiled. “I am now. Join me?” He extended his hand, and she took it, settling herself in the chair adjacent to him.
“That color suits you,” he said, appraising her yellow dress with unconcealed delight.
“Thank you for going shopping.”
“What would you like to do today?”
Julia tugged the hem of her dress to cover her knees. “I think we should finish our conversation.”
He nodded, silently renewing his prayer. He didn’t want to lo
se her. And he knew that her reaction to the next part of his story might bring about just that.
“I know you remember our conversation in the hallway, after the hearing. When John was rude to you, I wanted to break off his finger and feed it to him.”
“Why?”
“I don’t think you comprehend the depth of my feeling for you. It goes beyond wanting to be near you, or to protect you. I want you to be happy, and I want you to be treated you with respect.”
“You can’t break off people’s fingers when they’re rude to me.”
He made a show of stroking his chin thoughtfully. “I suppose not. What can I do? Strike them with the collected works of Shakespeare?”
“In one sturdy volume? Of course.”
They shared a laugh before falling silent for a moment.
“I wanted to communicate what had happened behind closed doors, but I was ordered not to talk to you. That’s why I spoke in code. Except I stupidly quoted Abelard, forgetting that you and I had different interpretations of his relationship with Héloise. I should have quoted Dante, Shakespeare, Milton, anyone.” He shook his head.
“You were so angry. You accused me of fucking you. Julianne…” Gabriel’s voice broke as he pronounced her name. “Did you really think so lowly of me? To think that was how I would choose to say good-bye?”
Julia looked away, avoiding the intensity of his gaze. “What was I supposed to think? You wouldn’t talk to me. You left the next morning without leaving a note. And then at the hearing, suddenly it was over.”
“I didn’t trust myself to speak with words. When I made love to you, I thought you understood what I was trying to say—that we’re one. That we’ve always been one.”
“You were talking about our conversation in the hallway after the hearing,” she prompted, eager to change the subject. “I don’t understand how they could have forced you to leave the city.”
“They couldn’t, really. Jeremy simply wanted my word that I’d stop seeing you.”
She folded her arms in front of her. “Then why did you leave?”
“Jeremy discovered I broke my promise before we exited the building. He demanded I break things off with you and swear on my honor that I would stay away from you. I’d already told him I’d do anything if he helped us. I had no choice.”
Gabriel's Inferno Trilogy Page 95