by Kim Bowman
I nodded and did as he bid, not even minding that he watched my every move and gesture. He kissed me softly and I clung to him, not wanting to go. He nudged me out the door and then closed it gently.
Rachel and Amelia were dressed when I entered. The little boy still slept and I was careful not to wake him as I set to brushing my hair.
“Where were you? We got scared when you weren’t here.” Amelia glared at me.
“I slept in Grayson’s room. This one was too cramped for all of us.” True, but we had slept in such quarters for the entire time we’d been with our uncle¯why did it suddenly matter now?
“Amelia, why don’t you go on down to the porch, I’m sure Matthew will be there by now.” Rachel gave her a little push and Amelia complied. After she left, Rachel turned to me. “Do you know what you’re doing?”
“No, not really. He only kissed me a little.” I wasn’t going to tell her any more than that, what happened between Grayson and me was private.
“It starts that way, then they up and leave you.” She sounded so bitter and I was momentarily struck silent.
“Grayson’s not like that and it’s my decision. Whatever we decide to do.” I paused, not knowing if it was the right time to tell her. “I’m going with him. Amelia and I, we’re going to Tennessee.”
“Have you been touched by some sort of madness?” Her words reverberated off the walls and the child on the bed began to fuss. She soothed him until he settled. “What do you know ¯ I mean really know ¯ of this man?”
“I know he’s a good man. I won’t be staying with him forever. Just until I can get a job, something to provide for Amelia and me. He’s agreed to take us with him. We have nowhere else to go. He has a farm there.” I lifted my chin ¯ I was not about to change my mind. “He said you are more than welcome to join us if you want.”
She shook her head at me. “I’ll think about it. I can’t stay with Mr. Lofton forever. Not that close to Uncle.”
“Whatever we do, Grayson has agreed to see us settled somewhere. I take him at his word.”
She nodded, though I once again sensed she had lost track of what I was saying. She’d been like that since we’d met her at the station and I knew it was from the grief.
It wasn’t long before a knock sounded and Grayson called through the door. Our train left at eleven a.m. and he wanted us ready to head out in an hour. We were to head for breakfast first then return to the hotel to collect the three horses.
We ate quickly, no one saying much. The boy still hadn’t said anything at all. I felt so bad for the child, I wanted to hold him close and just rock him until he knew he was safe, but he only let Rachel touch him.
We returned to the inn and the men saw to collecting the horses. Sixteen blocks lay between the inn and the station. Rather than having only part of our group ride, the gentlemen chose to walk the horses that distance. It was a chilly walk, the temperature having dropped near on thirty degrees since the day before. I tried to crowd close to Grayson and the General but there was little room. Grayson must have realized I was chilled in my thin dress for he pulled a blanket from the saddle bag and wrapped it around my shoulders before handing one to each of my sisters.
I was so relieved when the depot came into sight. Grayson and Matthew saw to the loading of the horses and led us into our compartment. We’d ride the train as far south as we could. Then we’d hire or purchase a wagon for the remainder of the journey.
Matthew confirmed that his brother’s body was loaded onto the train and we settled into our seats to wait while the remaining passengers boarded. This train held many more people than the one we’d ridden earlier and I couldn’t help but feel fearful and nervous. Many of these passengers were dressed in the blue Federal uniform and I felt constantly on edge.
Grayson remained as silent as possible, speaking only to our party and in whispers. I threaded my fingers through his, ignoring the looks my sisters sent my way. He smiled and raised my hand to his mouth, brushing my knuckles with his lips.
Matthew frowned at him but made no comment. After all, it wasn’t his place. Amelia grinned and looked out the window. Poor thing was crowded onto a bench seat with Grayson and me and it was something of a tight fit.
It wasn’t long before a table was procured from the porter and the men suggested a game of cards. I declined, as did Rachel, though I gave leave for Amelia to join them. What could it hurt? I urged her to trade me seats and get closer to the table. While they played and Rachel and Elias slept, I watched the same farms I’d noticed on our first journey as they passed by. Today, they weren’t bright with spring colors, but were grayed and browned with the last dredges of the horrible winter.
Our stop finally arrived several hours after the dinner meal had been served. Exhaustion weakened my movements, for I hadn’t been able to sleep even a moment on the train. Grayson and Matthew saw to the unloading of the horses and of Gideon’s coffin while we settled onto a bench to wait.
I hopped up, needing a moment or two to myself, just to think. I wandered a handful of yards away, still able to keep them in sight. Grayson soon joined me, inquiring if I were well.
“Just tired,” I told him, “And needing a moment to think, is all.”
“Won’t be long, we’ll find you a bed soon.” He grinned at me, dimples flashing, and I knew he was remembering the last bed I had found myself in.
“Hush. Someone will hear you!” I glanced at my sisters, ensuring they weren’t close enough to overhear his improper comments. They were focused on the boy and paying me and my companion absolutely no interest and I was relieved.
“What? Hear that you are tired? Don’t think they’d care, sure they’re tired, too.” He tried to appear innocent, but it didn’t work on me.
“Where are we to sleep tonight?” I truly didn’t care, merely wondered if we would have an opportunity to be alone. I wasn’t sure if I wanted a repeat of last night’s actions, but I would have liked some time to talk with him without everyone else listening in.
“Lofton and I’ll split the cost of a room and we’ll set you and your sisters up in one as well. Can’t really justify having a room to myself tonight. Figure I’d purchase the wagon, seeing as how we’ll need it to get to Tennessee. Trains don’t run that far, and some tracks through Kentucky have been destroyed. Be easier to go in a wagon.”
I nodded, understanding the need. We could sleep in the wagon if we needed to, if hotel rooms weren’t available on our route. “I see.”
“Lofton agreed that if I purchase the wagon, he and his pa will board you, Amelia, and me until we leave. Lofton’s agreed to hide the General, as well. Until we can get him to the ferry and across into Kentucky. Once I get him into Tennessee, we can call him spoils of war. Seems General Lee worked it out to every man getting to keep his horse.”
“That’s wonderful. I didn’t want him to get back to my uncle somehow. He was so cruel to him.” I leaned in to him, wanting to absorb some of his warmth. It had turned bitterly cold and I almost feared it would start snowing.
“How long will it take to bury Gideon? Then get to your farm?” I wasn’t too keen on being just a few fields away from my uncle’s place. But I wanted this settled; I wanted to get myself and Amelia ¯ even Rachel ¯ someplace where we could see about getting on with the rest of our lives. I hated this waiting, this intermittent step.
We settled into our rooms, larger than that we’d occupied in Indianapolis, and I was grateful for this small thing. Grayson had pointed out our route to Amelia and I on the big map at the train station we’d arrived in. We were following a much more direct path than the one we’d first taken. That direction had followed the small Blue River until near on reaching Hardinsburg. Then we’d headed northerly before catching the train that had carried us into Indianapolis. I was so thankful that our journey would take only a fraction of the time for I was growing quite weary of traveling.
The next several days though, would be spent on Lofton’s farm. Seeing to
the burial of my brother-in-law and to the planning of our further journey would prove to be a trying time, for all of us.
Chapter Fourteen
The next morning dawned bitterly cold and overcast. One could almost forget it was near on the middle of April and Easter lilies were in bloom. Rachel wrapped the little boy tightly in one of Grayson’s blankets and I instructed Amelia to keep one tight around her shoulders.
Grayson and Matthew hitched up the wagon. Sally was being stubborn and Grayson was giving her a talking to. Matthew had Fran all ready and willing to go, her having pulled a wagon numerous times for my father. The General would be tied to the wagon when Grayson wasn’t riding him. I only hoped the wagon’s pace wasn’t too slow for either my rebel or the spirited chestnut.
We had nearly a full eight hour trek ahead of us and I wasn’t looking forward to it at all.
Grayson and Matthew took turns riding the General and handling the strings to the cart. My sister and the children sat toward the rear. They spoke very little. We all did our best to avoid looking at the long wooden box just behind the driver’s bench. I myself held a fear of being pitched out the back of a wagon, having had that experience as a child, so I settled safely onto the seat beside the driver. Grayson and I chatted comfortably whenever he was at the reins but Matthew and I spoke little. He was a strange man ¯ never rude, but definitely unapproachable. Still ¯ I wasn’t about to ride in the back of the wagon, not with its open back and low slatted sides.
“What was your life like before the war?” I asked Grayson shortly after he and Matthew had switched places for the second time.
“It was quiet.” He sighed as he continued. “It had been me and Fischer since he was ten. Yeah. It was quiet, peaceful like. I’m sure ready for that quiet again.”
“What do you like best?”
“There’s a creek, decent sized, runs the border of my place. I loved to just sit by that creek. Maybe dangle a line, catch a fish or two. That creek has the coldest, sweetest water, Liv. Can’t wait for you to taste it.” He licked his lips after he spoke.
I longed for it too, wanting to taste what he spoke about. “Me, too.”
“There’s a house. Sits near the creek, so close it nearly flooded eight years back. Was my grandparents’ place. Only three rooms, small. Meant for Fischer when he gets settled. Figure you and your sister can use it till he’s ready. It’s not much, mind, but it’s dry, and would be a respectable dwelling for you to stay. Can’t stay alone with me, even with Fischer. Wouldn’t be right.” He squeezed my fingers as he went on. “That’s if either place still stands.”
“I’m sure they do. Who you got looking after things for you?" Live that close to him on the farm he described—it sounded so heavenly.
“A cousin and her boy. Check in on the place, keep watch for vandals. It’s good, I think, for the fields to go unplanted for a few seasons. But it’s going be hard work getting them ready for planting again.” His gaze took in the fields on each side of the dirt path we traveled and his mouth pulled down and his brows drew together. “Yep, a lot of hard work.”
“So do you and Fischer handle all the planting yourselves?”
“Too big for that. Whole town helps out. We help their fields, too. We’re a small community, just farmers and a few shop-keeps. It’s quiet.” His breath rushed out before the words, giving them a wistful tone. “Damn is it quiet.”
“Do you or your brother have people waiting on you?”
“Used to. Ten years ago. My folks passed and her and Fischer weren’t too keen on each other. She called it off. Were going to marry, but I’m glad we didn’t.”
“How old was your brother?”
“Ten or thereabouts.”
“She couldn’t get along with a little boy?” What kind of woman had he courted ¯ that she couldn’t get along with a grieving child?
“She was young, spoiled even. A little boy who’d just lost both his parents demanded too much from her, by my reckoning. It was just best for all of us if she were free to find someone a little more to her liking.”
“Did she?”
“Year after we parted ways. There’s a lawyer in town. Her father set up the match, she seems pleased with it. Got a couple of boys; a girl, too, I think.” He shook his head as he spoke, his fingers clenching and unclenching on the straps.
“Do you miss her any?”
“No. We wouldn’t have suited. Know that now.”
I was glad they hadn’t married. If they had he wouldn’t be with me now. From the sound of it, she didn’t deserve a man like Grayson, anyway. Someone who begrudged a boy a little extra attention and love wouldn’t suit this caring and compassionate gentleman.
“Why the questions?”
His words broke me from my concentration and I stiffened my spine. “Just making conversation, wondering about you and Fischer. Did he have a sweetheart?”
“No, he was too young. Only fifteen when war talk started. He’s only about your age now.” He looked at me, lips quirked. “So book smart, always talking about one strange thing or another. I think he idealized, romanticized, the whole idea of war. Bet he’s learned different now.”
“You not seen him the whole of the war?”
“Passed him last Christmas. He’d gotten at least four inches taller. Even had whiskers. I nearly didn’t recognize him.” His voice tightened, echoing the actions of his fingers.
“What’s he do ¯ do you know?”
“Corporal, I think. I started out in the med tents. Worked up to surgeon’s assistant. Now I am a surgeon.”
“So you are some kind of doctor then? You like it?”
“No. And God willing, I won’t have to do any cutting again.”
“What? Why?”
“Ain’t going to get into that now.” His mouth firmed and his knuckles showed white against the brown leather reins.
“I think you were probably a wonderful doctor. You have a kind manner.”
“I will always have the knowhow, Liv, but now I just don’t think I have the desire.”
“May I ask why? If you’ve been given the gift and the training, aren’t you obligated to use it? Isn’t that why God gives you the opportunity to get the learning?”
“I think I’ve more than satisfied any just God with the bloodletting I’ve done.”
“But you’re a doctor, you helped people!”
“Liv, more people died from my cutting off their limbs then being shot flat-out!”
“But isn’t there more to being a doctor than just amputations and such?”
“Not that I saw.”
“What about babies? Taking care of a town full of people? Wouldn’t you like that?”
“I’ve no experience with that.”
“You could learn, couldn’t you? I mean, you learned to be a surgeon.”
“Not sure I want to. I just want the quiet again.”
“I see.” His shoulders had stiffened and I decided to let the subject lie. After all, who was I to direct him? “What do you think Fischer will do when he gets back home?”
“Don’t know him anymore, really. He’s a man now.” He ran a hand over his chin, rubbed his lips.
“I’m sure he’ll just be happy to be home, too.” I reached out a hand and ran a finger over the hard tendon in his arm, softly brushing over his taut knuckles, running the hills and valleys until they relaxed. “Just a little while longer and we’ll be there.”
He covered my hand, trapping it between both of his. “I’m glad you’ll be going with me. Tennessee is the most beautiful place you’ll ever see.”
“Is it?” I leaned into him, pulling my blanket tighter around me. His hand left mine, coming to rest behind my shoulders. He pulled me to rest against his body. I loved being that close to him; he smelled so good, so warm. He dropped a kiss upon my brow, and I closed my eyes, resting my head there against his lips.
“Sure is. Only seeing it for yourself can make it clear to you. I can’t wait until we get the
re.”
“I can’t wait either.” I stammered the words, opening my eyes and looking into his. My voice rang with a sincerity I honestly wanted to convey. I wanted to go to Tennessee with him. Wanted to stand on his farm, drink from the creek he had mentioned ¯ I wanted to do all those things with him.
Partially through our journey, Matthew pulled the cart to a stop and we all climbed out, eager to stretch our legs a little. Amelia and I set about emptying the food basket onto the back of the wagon. We all were famished and dove into the bread and cheese as well as the dried meats. I topped the last chunk of bread with a bit of cheese and some of the meats and handed it to Grayson, knowing how big of an appetite the man possessed. He smiled and thanked me and I lowered my head, looking at him through my lashes.
We dallied little over our meal. The temperature hadn’t warmed any as the hours had passed and we were all anxious to reach our destination. We reloaded our wagon and once more took our seats. Rachel held the boy close, keeping him tucked under her blanket. Amelia huddled close against her side. I pulled my own blanket tighter until I noticed that the driver beside me was shivering, not having a blanket. I reached out and tucked the woolen cover over Grayson’s back before aligning myself even closer to his side. Poor Matthew rode beside our wagon, exposed to the harshly cold wind.
As the horses pulled onward I began to wonder if it might actually snow. “What if it snows?”
“We’re almost there, I think. You’ll be settled soon. Don’t worry, I won’t let you freeze.” He wrapped me tighter, tucked the edge of the blanket around my ears. “I’m sure Lofton’s expecting us. He’ll have a nice fire going to thaw you out.”
A fire sounded absolutely heavenly. A warm fire, a soft bed¯I couldn’t wait. Two more hours passed, with us all growing steadily colder, until I could just make out the outline of Jessup Mills’ barn in the distance.
It was as if I had never seen the old structure before in my life. Everything seemed so different now. In the distance over the hill, I could see the lamps as they glowed in my uncle’s windows. We were that close, and my breath caught. What if someone happened to see our wagon as it rolled past? Would they be able to recognize us in the dim light, and through the light snow that was falling?