by Yu Hua
Yile said, “But I wasn’t finished talking yet.”
Xu Sanguan looked disapprovingly at Yile. “What else do you have to say?”
Yile said, “I had only got up to the part about who I hated. You didn’t let me talk about who I love. The person I love most, of course, is our Great Leader Chairman Mao. And the one I love second most”—Yile gazed at Xu Sanguan—“is you.”
Xu Sanguan stared back at Yile without so much as blinking. After what seemed like a long while, tears spilled from his eyes, and he said to Xu Yulan, “Who says Yile isn’t my son?”
Xu Sanguan raised his right hand to his eyes to wipe away the tears. After he had been wiping for a moment, he raised his left hand to his eyes as well and continued to rub away his tears.
Finally, he gazed benevolently at his three sons. “I’ve also made a serious mistake in my life. It was with Lin Fenfang. You know, Fatty Lin.”
Xu Yulan said, “Xu Sanguan, why are you bringing that up?”
“Because I want to tell them.” Xu Sanguan gestured in Xu Yulan’s direction. “It was like this. Fatty Lin broke her leg so I went to visit her. Her husband wasn’t home, and so we were alone in the house. I asked her which leg was broken. She said it was the right one. I asked her if it hurt. First I touched her calf, and then I touched her thigh, and then I touched her even higher up—”
“Xu Sanguan.” Xu Yulan said his name. “You have to stop right there. If you keep on going, you’ll poison their minds.”
Xu Sanguan nodded and looked at his three sons. All three of the boys had their eyes glued to the floor. He continued. “I did it just one time with Lin Fenfang. And your mom did it just once with He Xiaoyong. The reason I told you all of this tonight is because I want you boys to know that I’m actually just as bad as your mom. Both of us made serious mistakes. That’s why you shouldn’t hate her for it.” He pointed toward Xu Yulan. “If you hate her, you have to hate me too, because she and I are birds of a feather.”
Xu Yulan shook her head and said to her sons, “He’s not the same as me. He only did it with Lin Fenfang because I hurt his feelings first.”
Xu Sanguan, shaking his head, said, “It’s all the same, really.”
Xu Yulan addressed Xu Sanguan. “We’re not the same. If the incident with He Xiaoyong had never happened, you never would have touched Lin Fenfang.”
Xu Sanguan couldn’t help but agree. “Well, that’s true. But,” he added, “we’re still the same.”
LATER Chairman Mao began to talk. Chairman Mao was saying things nearly every day. When he said, “We must fight with words and not weapons,” everyone put down the knives and clubs in their hands. When Chairman Mao went on to say, “We must take the revolution back to the classroom,” Yile, Erle, and Sanle put on their book bags and went back to school, where classes had resumed. When Chairman Mao said, “We must make the revolution serve production,” Xu Sanguan went back to work at the silk factory, and Xu Yulan got up every morning to fry dough. Xu Yulan’s hair was getting longer and longer, almost long enough to cover her ears.
Sometime after that Chairman Mao stood atop the rostrum at Tiananmen, held up his right hand, and waved toward the west, addressing millions and millions of students assembled on the square: “It’s necessary that educated youth be removed to the countryside to be reeducated by middle and lower peasants.”
So it was that Yile, carrying a bed mat, a Thermos, and a washbasin, marched at the back of a column of students, all of whom were just as young as he. They marched under a red flag, singing anthems, happily climbing onto buses, happily boarding ferries, waving good-bye to the tears of their mothers and fathers on their way to their new homes in the countryside.
After Yile was sent down to the countryside, he would often sit all alone on a hillside as dusk approached, wrapping his arms around his knees and staring blankly at the fields all around him. When the other students who had been sent down saw him sitting there, they would ask, “Yile, what are you doing?”
Yile would say, “I’m thinking about my mom and dad.”
When this story about Yile made its way back to town, Xu Sanguan and Xu Yulan both cried.
By that time Erle had also graduated from school. Soon he too would move away, carrying only a bed mat, a Thermos, and a washbasin, as he and yet another column of students marched under the red flag on their way to their new homes in the countryside.
Xu Yulan said to Erle before he left, “Erle, when you get to the countryside and things get really rough, just climb up a hill and think about your mom and dad, and remember us.”
One day Chairman Mao sat on the sofa in his study and said, “You may keep one child by your side.” And so it was that Sanle stayed by his parents’ side, graduated from high school at age eighteen, and started work at the machine tools factory in town.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
One day a few years later Yile came back to town from the countryside. He was as skinny as a twig, his face was grayish yellow, and he held a broken old basket in his hands, filled with a bundle of leafy vegetables. This was his present for his parents. He hadn’t come home for a visit for over six months, and when he knocked on the front door, Xu Sanguan and Xu Yulan stared at him for a moment before realizing that this was actually their son.
Yile’s pallid and wasted look brought them up short with surprise, because he hadn’t looked nearly so bad last time he came home. Granted, he had been thinner and darker than when he had first left home, but he had been in good spirits, and when he left, he had carried a crock that could fit nearly a hundred pounds of rice away with him on his back. He walked away with his back bent against the weight, his feet sounding out hollowly against the pavement as he went. He didn’t have a rice crock in the countryside, so he had been storing his rice in a cardboard box, but when the weather turned humid, the bottom of the box rotted away, turning the rice at the bottom a yellowish-green color.
After he came back home, Xu Sanguan said to Xu Yulan, “Do you think Yile might be sick? When he’s not lying down, he just sits around the house. He’s not eating much either, and it seems like he’s stooping all the time.”
Xu Yulan put her hand on Yile’s forehead to see if he was running a fever.
“He’s not sick. If he was sick, he’d be running a fever. I think he just doesn’t want to go back down to the countryside. It’s too hard on him down there. Let him stay in town for a few more days and rest up. After he’s rested for a few days, I’m sure he’ll start to feel better.”
Yile stayed in town for ten days. During the daytime he always sat by the window, with his arms draped over the windowsill and his chin resting on his arms, looking outside at the lane. Usually, he stared at the walls of the houses across the way. The walls were nearly a hundred years old, and green weeds grew from the cracks between the bricks, fluttering in the breeze. Sometimes a few women who lived in the area would stop beneath his window and chatter for a while. When they said something interesting, Yile would smile and move his arms into a more comfortable position.
By that time Sanle had already become a regular worker at the machine tools factory and had a bed at the factory dormitory. They lived five to a room, but Sanle was happy to stay at the factory, because he could be with people his own age. When Yile came home, Sanle would come by every day after dinner and spend some time with the family. Whenever Sanle came over, Yile was lying in bed. Sanle said to him, “Yile, the more other people sleep, the fatter they get. The more you sleep, the skinnier you seem to be.”
The only times Yile became the least bit animated was when Sanle came home. He would smile and talk with him, and there were even a few times when they went out together for a walk. But after Sanle left, Yile would once again lie down in bed or sit motionlessly by the window, as if he had been glued in place.
Xu Yulan, seeing that Yile kept hanging around the house and seemed not to have the slightest intention of going back down to the countryside, said to him, “Yile, when are you planning
to go back? You’ve been home for ten days already.”
Yile said, “I don’t have any energy now. It wouldn’t do any good for me to go back now, because I just don’t have the energy to work in the fields. Let me stay for a few more days, okay?”
Xu Yulan replied, “Yile, it’s not that I want to make you go back. But think about it. Of the people who were sent down with you, quite a few have already gotten their transfers and been allowed to come back to town. There are even four people who came back up from the countryside working at Sanle’s factory. You have to work hard and get on your brigade chief’s good side. That way you can come back to town for good.”
Xu Sanguan agreed. “Your mom is right. We don’t want to kick you out. If it were up to us, you could stay here your whole life if you wanted, and we’d be happy to have you. But as things stand now, you’d better go back and get to work. If you stay at home too long, people in your brigade will get to talking, and your brigade chief will be that much less likely to give you a transfer. Yile, go back down for now, and after a year or two of hard work, you can earn your way home for good.”
Yile shook his head. “I really don’t have the energy. If I went back now, I just couldn’t work very hard anyway.”
Xu Sanguan said, “You know, energy isn’t like money. The more you use money, the less you have. But the more energy you put out, the more you’ll have. If all you do is hang around the house all day, it’s no wonder you don’t feel very energetic. But if you go back and work every day, sweat a little every day, your energy will come back, and pretty soon you’ll feel stronger and stronger.”
Yile continued to shake his head. “It’s been more than six months since I last came home. Erle got to come back home twice already in that time, and I didn’t get to come at all. Can’t you let me stay a little longer?”
“Nothing doing,” Xu Yulan said. “You’re going back tomorrow.”
Yile went back to the countryside after ten days at home. The morning he was to leave, Xu Yulan came home as soon as she was finished frying dough. She brought two pieces of fried dough home for Yile. “Eat them while they’re hot. You can leave after you’ve eaten.”
Yile sat listlessly by the window looking at the fried dough and shook his head. “I don’t feel like eating. I don’t feel like eating anything. I just don’t have any appetite.”
Then he stood up, folded the change of clothes he had brought back with him from the countryside, and stuffed them into an old book bag, which he proceeded to sling over his shoulder. “I’m leaving.”
Xu Sanguan said, “Eat the fried dough before you go.”
Yile shook his head. “I just don’t feel like eating anything right now.”
Xu Yulan said, “You have to eat something. You have a long way to go today.”
Xu Yulan told Yile to wait a moment and went into the kitchen to hard-boil a couple of eggs. When they were done, she wrapped them in a handkerchief and handed them to him. “Yile, take these with you. You can eat them if you get hungry on the way.”
Yile, still holding the eggs in his hand, walked out the front door. Xu Sanguan and Xu Yulan went to the front door to watch him go. Xu Sanguan saw that he was walking with his head bowed, moving slowly and carefully down the lane and almost leaning against the wall for support as he went. He was so thin, his shoulder bones stuck sharply out from his shirt, and the clothes that had once been a little too small for him now hung so loosely around his frame that it seemed there was no body underneath. When Yile reached the telephone pole, Xu Sanguan saw him lift his hand to his face and wipe his eyes. Xu Sanguan wondered if he was crying. He said to Xu Yulan, “I’m going to go see him off.”
When Xu Sanguan caught up to him, he saw that Yile really was crying. He said to him, “Your mom and I can’t do anything about it either. We just want you to do well down there so you can get a transfer and come back as soon as possible.”
With his father walking by his side, Yile stopped wiping the tears on his face. He shifted the book bag, which was slipping off his shoulder, across his back. “I know.”
The two walked ahead without exchanging any more words. Xu Sanguan walked faster than Yile and had to stop every few steps to wait for him to catch up before he continued down the street. When they came to the front entrance to the hospital, Xu Sanguan said, “Yile, wait here for a little while.” He walked into the hospital.
Yile stood outside the door waiting, but after a few minutes he sat down on a pile of bricks, his book bag dangling again from his shoulder, the two hard-boiled eggs still held in one hand. He started to feel like eating a little something, so he took one of the eggs, tapped it lightly against a brick, peeled off the shell, and put it in his mouth. He slowly chewed on the egg, eyes fixed on the hospital’s front entrance. He ate very slowly, but by the time he had finished one egg, Xu Sanguan still hadn’t emerged from the door of the hospital. He turned his eyes away from the door, put his book bag on his knees, folded his arms on top of the book bag, and then cradled his head with his arms.
After a few more moments Xu Sanguan returned. “Let’s go.”
They walked west until they reached the ferry pier. Xu Sanguan told Yile to sit down in the waiting room and went off to buy his ferry ticket. When he was finished, he sat down next to Yile to wait for the boat, which was due to depart in half an hour. The room was crowded with people, the majority of whom were peasants who had come up to town early that morning to sell produce and were now on their way home. They had piled their carrying poles on the floor and sat holding their baskets, now emptied of produce, in their hands, smoking cheap cigarettes, and cheerfully chatting among themselves.
Xu Sanguan pulled thirty yuan from his front pocket and stuffed it into Yile’s hand. “Take this.”
Yile, taken aback by the sight of his father suddenly handing him so much money, asked, “Dad, that’s for me?”
Xu Sanguan said, “Take it. Now. Put it somewhere safe.”
Yile looked down at the money. “Dad, I’ll just take ten yuan, all right?”
Xu Sanguan said, “Take all of it. I earned it selling blood just now. Take all of it. Some of it’s for Erle too. Erle’s far away from town, but he’s pretty close to where you are, so you can give him ten or fifteen the next time he comes to see you. Tell him to use it wisely. You two are far away from home, so we can’t look after you. You two brothers have to take good care of each other.”
Yile nodded and took the money.
Xu Sanguan continued, “Don’t waste this money on unnecessary things. Be careful with it, and spend it wisely. If you feel tired, but you don’t have any appetite, buy yourself something good to eat to give yourself strength. And when Spring Festival comes around, buy two packs of cigarettes and a bottle of liquor and give them to the chief of your production brigade. That way, when the time comes, you’ll be able to come back to town much sooner. Got that? Use it wisely. The best steel is for the blade and not the handle.”
It was time for Yile to get on the boat, so Xu Sanguan stood and escorted Yile over to the gate where they collected the tickets. He watched him board the ferry, then shouted, “Yile, remember what I told you. The best steel is for the blade, not the handle.”
Yile turned back toward Xu Sanguan and nodded his head. Then he ducked his head and walked through the low door into the cabin.
Xu Sanguan was left standing by the gate. He stood by the gate until the ferry began to move down the river, and only then did he turn to make his way home.
LESS THAN A MONTH after Yile went back to the countryside, the chief of Erle’s production brigade came to town. He was well over fifty years old, bearded, and when he smoked cigarettes, he liked to attach the butt he had just smoked to the tip of a fresh cigarette in order to conserve tobacco. In the half hour that he spent at Xu Sanguan’s house, he smoked four cigarettes, starting three of them with the end of the cigarette that had just preceded it. After he had ground the fourth cigarette out on the floor and placed the butt in his
pocket, he stood and told them that he had plans to eat lunch somewhere else, but that he would be back for dinner at Xu Sanguan’s place.
As soon as Erle’s brigade chief left, Xu Yulan sat down on the doorstep and began to wipe tears from her eyes. As she rubbed her face, she said, “It’s the end of the month, and all we have left in the house is two yuan. How can you have someone over to dinner on just two yuan? When you have company, you have to serve them fish and meat, and you need to supply wine and cigarettes as well. All you can get for two yuan is a pound of meat and half a fish. What am I going to do? ‘Even the cleverest maid is in trouble when there’s no rice in the larder,’ so how am I supposed to have someone for dinner when there’s no money to feed him? And this is no ordinary guest. This is Erle’s brigade chief. If there isn’t very much to eat, Erle’s brigade chief won’t be pleased, and if Erle’s brigade chief isn’t pleased, it’s going to be tough on Erle. Not only will he lose all hope for a transfer back to town, but he’ll also have a harder time of it in the production brigade. It’s the brigade chief who’s coming to dinner, and we have to wine him and dine him and give him some nice presents as well. How can I manage with just two yuan?” Xu Yulan swung around to face Xu Sanguan inside the room. “Xu Sanguan, I’m going to have to ask you to sell some blood.”
Xu Sanguan sat for a moment nodding his head, and then said to her, “Go get me a bucketful of water from the well. I’ll need to drink water before I sell blood.”
Xu Yulan said, “There’s water in that cup over there. Drink the water in the cup.”
Xu Sanguan said, “There isn’t enough water in the cup. I have to drink a lot of water.”
Xu Yulan said, “There’s water in the Thermos too.”
Xu Sanguan said, “The water in the Thermos is too hot. I asked you to get me some water from the well. Now I want you to do it.”
Xu Yulan nodded her assent, stood, and rushed to the well. When she returned, Xu Sanguan told her to put the bucket on the table and asked her to bring him a bowl. He proceeded to down bowl after bowl of water. After the fifth bowlful, Xu Yulan began to worry that he’d hurt himself. “Stop drinking. I’m afraid you’ll hurt yourself.”