had gone to meet at the bar the other night was the one he’d begun dating before he met me.
Ella and Rachel honked to pick me up just as I was texting Adam. He told me all had been quiet on
the home front, Mom was going out with her girlfriends tonight, and he and Andrea were staying in to
watch a movie.
I made sure to dress warm. Skinny jeans, red sneakers, and a thick black sweater. When I slid into
the back seat, Rachel squealed. “Let’s get laid tonight, bitches.”
We high-fived each other and were on our way. The rain subsided, so the two-block trek from the car was pleasant. The temperature was warmer
than expected, so when my sneakers got wet from all the puddles, I didn’t mind so much. I could have
walked to the party from my apartment, but Ella had insisted on picking me up because of the rain.
The white tents were gleaming against the night sky and the smell of clam broth was in the air. It
reminded me of autumn, crisp leaves, and cozy nights. Rachel grabbed us some beers from one of the
coolers lining the fence while Joel pulled Ella into a mini make-out session.
Rachel and I chugged our first beers while we checked out the crowd. The usual suspects were
there—frat guys and sorority girls, jocks, friends of friends, and everyone in between. It was one of the
frat’s biggest parties of the year. I knew Bennett might be here, and I wondered if he’d bring a date. I
planned on staying far away from him and finding my own guy tonight.
The beer felt good going down, and when Rachel moved in on a group of jocks smoking in the
garage, I headed off to grab another. Jocks were Rachel’s specialty. I figured it was because she was
missing her ex-boyfriend, who was a star basketball player.
I knew for certain she’d hooked up with at least two of those guys in the garage before. I told her
I’d join her after my next drink, but I knew none of them would appeal to me.
And I was afraid no one would ever compare to Bennett.
I popped open my beer and stopped to warm my toes at the huge bonfire in the backyard. The smell
of weed was in the air, and I noticed some blond chick passing a roach to one of the guys sitting in the
lawn chairs by the fire.
Bennett was standing directly behind her, next to Nate and a tall, pretty brunette. I shut my eyes to
steady my breathing. I felt like I’d never be rid of him. Like he’d haunt me until I either graduated or
moved, or both. I wondered if this girl was the one he’d met up with the other night or if he’d decided
the same thing as me—to move on to someone else tonight.
The song “Fix You” by Coldplay was pumping through the speakers and I couldn’t help snicker at
the absurdity of this moment. Me, across from Bennett, the guy I wanted to sleep with—and who was I kidding, just be with—but I couldn’t because I needed some heavy duty fixing. And I wasn’t ready or
willing to be fixed by anybody.
Nate spotted me and waved me over. I shook my head, hoping to get away with a simple nod
instead. But he wasn’t going for it. He walked over and pulled me around the fire to stand closer to
Bennett and the brunette, whose fingers were now sliding up his sleeve.
“Hey, Ben, look who I found,” Nate announced, slinging his arm around me.
Bennett did a double take, gave a curt expressionless nod, and then turned his attention back to the
girl. My stomach clenched so tightly that I felt like I might puke. For some reason his indifference hurt
worse than his anger.
What the hell was wrong with me? I came here to have a good time with my friends and find
someone else to make out with. To be in control of my own emotions; not the other way around.
I thought of something to say to Nate that wasn’t as dumb as asking him what his major was. “So,
are you still moving into my building at the end of this month?”
“Change of plans,” he said sheepishly. “Now it’s the end of the semester. Couldn’t get out of my
other lease as easily as I thought I could.”
“Got it,” I said, trying like hell to keep my eyes on him instead of sliding them over to Bennett and
the girl. In my peripheral view, she was doing some hair flipping and hip jutting. And apparently she
cracked him up, too, because then he howled with laughter over something she said.
Nate leaned closer to me. “He’s not with her, by the way.”
I shrugged, trying to keep my shaking hands at my sides. “It’s okay if he is. In case you haven’t
heard, we’re just friends.”
“Well, in case you haven’t heard, my boy’s got it bad for you,” he said, shooting a look at Bennett
over my shoulder. “And he’s like, the best guy that I know. So you should give him a chance.”
My heart was thrashing in my chest from his words. “It’s a bit more complicated than that, Nate.”
“I hear you. No strings attached and all that,” he said, obviously having heard a few choice details from Bennett. “But if I found a girl that I had that much chemistry with, I wouldn’t want to let her go so
easily, either. Just saying.”
We did have undeniable chemistry, that was for sure. I could feel the undercurrent in the air this
very instant, yanking at my core. It was thick and suffocating.
Not knowing what else to say, I took a step back. “Gonna find my friends.”
I felt Bennett’s gaze bearing down on me, so I looked his way. Heat, uncertainty, and anger seemed
to roll off of him. The brunette was trying to get his attention, but he wasn’t having it.
I could barely catch my breath. I backed away until I was under the canopy of the giant maple tree
at the rear of the property. I tilted my head to look up at the top branches and colorful leaves. My cheek
was pelted with a fat raindrop, and it cooled my heated face. The tree sheltered me as the drops came
faster and heavier. Everyone else sprinted to the protection of the tents.
But I chose to disappear behind the trunk of the tree instead. I caught my breath and had a good
talk with myself about burying my feelings for Bennett once and for all. Focusing on school, and Adam,
and my career. It was quiet and dark, like I was in my own little secluded world. Until the rain came
down in hard sheets and drenched me. I pushed away from the tree to make a run for the tent.
All at once I saw a blur of red as I was forced against the tree trunk, the bark digging into my
sweater. Bennett’s soaked hair swung against my forehead, his hands gripped my face, and his mouth
sealed over mine, fusing our wet lips and tongues together.
I scraped my fingertips up his chest to his hairline and felt him tremble against me. My heart
thudded against my rib cage as Bennett’s mouth devoured me—like he was pouring all of his frustration
into me.
We were sopping wet, our clothes clinging to us, and the rain wasn’t letting up anytime soon.
I swept my tongue across his lips and the hottest fucking growl erupted from his mouth. He
flattened his body against mine, crushing me with the weight of his passion.
“Is this how you like it?” he mumbled, but my mind couldn’t register what he was asking. It had turned into a foggy haze and I couldn’t even remember the letters of the alphabet at that point.
Bennett was entirely lips and fingers and raw passion and I felt his arousal pulsing against my
stomach. His hands were rough and they rushed down my body to palm my ass. He lifted me off the
ground, and my legs gripped his waist.
“Tell me you want this.” He slid down to the grass with me straddling him, and all I could do was
moan into his lips. It was as if all the pleasure receptors in my brain had expanded and then shot rapidly
into my core, setting me on fire.
He licked the water from my neck and then moved up to my mouth. His lips fastened around my
tongue and he sucked it hungrily while I whimpered against him.
His hands moved to my breasts and he thumbed my nipples in a frantic and angry rhythm. “Is this
how the other guys do it?”
I jerked back from him and went completely still as a memory washed over me.
Is this how you let your boyfriend touch you? He’s too young to know what he’s doing. Let me make
you feel good.
Bennett kissed me hard again and I wrenched myself out of his grasp.
“You let every other guy have you. You give away pieces of yourself like they’re candy.” I went
rigid trying to make sense of this different side of Bennett. He looked lost and miserable and desperate.
“Maybe this is the only way. Maybe if I pretend to be like them.”
And then another memory made my throat seal shut as I struggled for a decent breath.
What is with you, Avery? We’ve been planning our first time for weeks. I’m so fucking hard, I need
a release. Let’s just do this.
I smacked Bennett hard across the face and then pushed myself off the ground. Bennett was
stunned into silence. He shot up, his hands shaking, and tried to reach for me, but I backed away.
“They don’t make me feel anything. Not one. Damn. Thing.” I shoved against his chest and his face
crumpled. “But you . . . you already own a piece of me. Don’t you get it?” I yelled, stumbling back.
“Wait, Avery. I’m so sorry.” His voice sounded rough and tortured. “Please don’t walk away.”
I stood frozen under the tree, the rain pelting my body, my eyelashes gluing together.
“I don’t know what else to do,” he said. “I can’t stop thinking about you. I want you so damn
much.”
I turned to him. “What you want from me is too goddamn scary. I can’t . . . I can’t . . .” My
shoulders shook as sobs wracked my body.
“What happened to you, Avery?” His arms gripped me from behind and his lips closed in on my
ear. “Please. Please tell me.”
“Just”—I pushed out of his grasp—“leave me the fuck alone!”
I took off running. Away from Bennett. Away from my memories. Away from my fucked-up
feelings.
As soon as I got home I jumped in the shower and stood under the scalding hot water to wash it all
away.
Ella left me a dozen texts messages until I finally replied that I was fine and going to bed.
Bennett banged on my door and pleaded with me to talk to him. I ignored him until he finally gave up and went away.
Chapter 16
The following morning I slipped into my scrubs to get ready for my shift. I turned my phone back on
and saw there were dozens more text messages from Ella. My finger hovered above the delete button
before I decided to just weed through them all.
Ella: If you’re not going to pick up the phone and talk to me,
I’ll just text bomb you all night.
Ella: Damn it, Avery! What happened tonight between you and
Bennett was bound to happen with any guy you got close to.
Ella: You have to tell him what happened to you. Please tell him
already!
Ella: He would stick around and work through it. That boy has deep
feelings for you.
Ella: And I think you might feel the same way. In fact, I KNOW you
feel the same way.
Ella: And I know you don’t want that, it scares you shitless, you
feel out of control, but please, bitch, for the sake of all the
fake players everywhere, take a chance on somebody.
Ella: You should have seen him last night. He tried to go after
you, but Nate stopped him. He looked miserable. Felt sick about
what he said to you.
126
Ella: Don’t worry, I told him nothing. Only that you’ll talk when
you’re ready.
Ella: That boy is a damn good egg. Just like Adam.
I let out my breath slowly and stared at myself in the mirror. At my puffy and swollen eyes. The
light rash on my jawline from Bennett’s rough stubble last night.
He’d been sensual and passionate and fiery. I felt safer with Bennett than I’d felt with anyone else,
ever.
I knew he’d never hurt me on purpose, but his harsh words rocked my world. I felt off-kilter,
unglued, out of control. The same feelings I’d successfully stamped down for years.
And did Bennett seriously think I gave myself away so easily?
Was that what I was doing?
He was so damn frustrated with me. Just like I was frustrated with myself.
Adam. Bennett. Mr. Jackson. Maybe there were decent guys out there.
But I didn’t let myself see it. I didn’t want to see it. I didn’t want to feel it.
I grabbed my purse and keys to head to work. I heard a thump as I swung open my apartment door.
A large package that had been leaning against the doorjamb had fallen over. It was wrapped in shiny
silver paper with a note attached.
I went back inside, rested the package on my coffee table, and opened the letter.
A,
I’m sorry. Please believe that I never meant to hurt you. I’m so ashamed of myself.
But I heard you loud and clear. You’re not ready for this. For me. For us.
So I’ll leave you alone—I’ll walk away.
But if you decide you want to talk, you know where to find me.
I’d planned on giving this gift to you someday. I figure now is as good a time as any.
Take good care, B.
P.S. Here’s what I think of you in five words or less: Fierce, determined, scorchingHOT
(yes, that’s one word), incredible, beautiful.
Fat tears rolled down my cheeks as I ripped open the pretty wrapping. I inhaled a lungful of air
when I saw his gift. It was my favorite drawing from the art show.
He’d never sold it. He’d saved it for me.
My fingers were trembling so badly that I had to set it down before it fell from my grasp and broke.
But the drawing looked different today.
Now it seemed like the one figure was trying hard to reach across all the junk—in the spaces
between—to the other side. But the other figure was so well hidden he could barely find her.
And she didn’t plan on coming out anytime soon.
I read Bennett’s letter three more times, dried my eyes, fixed my makeup, and left for work. The
rain had cleared and the air felt warm. The walk would do me good.
My phone buzzed while I was crossing Albert Street, and I saw it was my mom. I so wasn’t ready
to talk to her—to anybody, really—but because of recent events, I needed to.
“Hey, Mom. On my way to work. Everything okay?”
She was silent, but I heard her breathing. Prepping herself for something she needed to say. I
gripped the phone tighter. “Just spill it, Mom.”
Her voice was a hoarse whisper. “What did Tim do to you?”
I stopped in my tracks, nearly tripping over my own two feet and causing a collision at the
crosswalk. My voice was low and rough. “You know what he did. I told you everything, hoping my own
mother would believe me.”
I heard her take a long drag on her cigarette. I could pictur
e her sitting at the kitchen table chain
smoking. “Is that why he left us?”
What the fuck. Is that what this was about? She had some sick need to know he didn’t leave her because of something she’dT done? She was
always so weak when it came to Tim.
“He left because of what I threatened him with.”
She let out a long breath she obviously had been holding. “Is that why his arm was bandaged up the
night he walked out the door?”
I’d been proud of that moment. Proud of myself. I had seen the fear in his eyes. Had the sharp
utensil slipped just an inch the other way, I would have gouged his heart. “Yes.”
We were silent for a long minute, just listening to each other’s breaths. Would this woman ever tell
me she was sorry? Or that she was proud of me? Or . . . something that showed me she was a mother?
“That’s why he beat me up.”
“What?” My heart raced a thousand miles a minute. “Damn it, Mom. Tell me what the hell
happened the other night.”
“We got in an argument . . .” I heard the tears coming. “About you.”
“What about me?” I saw the nursing home in the distance so I slowed my steps. No way could I
head into work without knowing what went down.
“He’d been asking questions about you every time I saw him lately—when had you moved out. If
you were ever coming back. What you looked like now.” She was sniffling and coughing and all worked
up. “I got the impression he was either afraid of you or had some kind of sick desire to see you again.”
She caught her breath for a moment while I let all of that sink in. My stomach churned just thinking
about the low timbre of Tim’s voice.
“So I pressed him about it that night. I needed to know.”
Shit. This is where her story was about to get ugly. “What did you say?”
“I asked him if what you accused him of was true.”
I had trouble swallowing. “And?”
“He denied it up and down, of course,” she said. Now her words were rigid and hate-filled. “But this time, I wasn’t buying it.”
Was this finally Mom’s light bulb moment?
I knew my mother would never apologize for betraying me. She didn’t have it in her. And I’d
gotten to a place in my life that I didn’t need it. Not anymore. Besides, this was as close to an apology as
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