by Heather Lyn
“Oh, well I’m so sorry, sweetheart. How dare I worry about you? You’re right. You have only spent every day of the last fucking two weeks here. I know you don’t ‘officially’ live here, but I deserve to know if you aren’t coming here. I’ve been out of my mind worried about you!”
Grayson starts pacing again, and I can see how tense he is. I feel bad that I’ve worried him so much, but he’s not my father. And I won’t apologize for not calling.
“I had an appointment, Grayson. It’s not a big deal. Why are you being like this?”
“Like what? Worried? Kennedy, it’s only been two weeks. Two fucking weeks, okay? I’m sorry but I want you close. I want to keep you with me all the time, and I respect that I can’t, but throw me a bone here. I’m not trying to push, but you won’t talk to me. You push me away. And the least you can do is not make me worry about you.”
Resting my elbows on the counter, I drop my face into my hands, trying like hell to not completely lose it on him. I’ve just gotten myself under control when I feel him come up behind me, resting his hands on my shoulders.
“I love you, Kennedy, but it’s hard to not worry about you. You aren’t making this any easier on either of us, baby. Stop pushing me away.”
Fuck. That.
I can’t help the sarcastic laugh that comes out of me.
“Are you serious, Grayson? I’m not making this any easier? You are smothering me! You hover around me, don’t give me any space. I can’t do anything without you being on top of me. It’s ridiculous! Stop treating me like a baby. I can’t take it anymore!”
Walking away from him, I head towards the bedroom, hoping like hell he won’t follow me. But of course, I’m wrong. I’ve only just kicked off my shoes when I hear him behind me.
“Kennedy, we need to talk about this.”
“Talk about what? You think I’m the irrational one. I have tried to tell you I don’t even know how many times that you need to back off. And you don’t get it.”
Grayson comes to stand in front of me. “Baby, I’m not trying to smother you. I just don’t know what to do. We’ve been through something traumatic. Ever since the night you came home from the hospital, you won’t talk to me about anything. You laugh me off when I say that we need to talk. I just don’t know what you want from me, baby. I’m trying to protect you and take care of you, but I can’t if you won’t talk to me.”
“You haven’t been through anything traumatic, Grayson. I was the one who lost the baby. You didn’t go through it. I did. Stop acting like you have any idea what I’m going through.”
I can see Grayson’s nostrils flare and he spins away from me, hands on his hips. The tension in the room is so thick I could cut it with a knife.
“You are such a selfish bitch, Kennedy,” he says, so quietly I can barely hear him.
“What did you just call me?” I whisper. How dare he?
“I said you are a selfish bitch. How dare you say that to me, Kennedy? That was my fucking child too! I put that baby inside you, so don’t you dare tell me that I haven’t been through anything! Maybe I didn’t carry that baby, but I would have loved him just as much as you. We both lost something that day. It hurts, and I know it always will.”
He’s in my face and I can see the tears in his eyes. This conversation has escalated way too fast and now I’ve hurt Grayson. He was being overbearing, but hurting him wasn’t the plan. I just wanted some space. Now I’m afraid I’m about to get it.
“I need to leave before I say something I’ll regret.” Grayson grabs his wallets off his bureau and heads out of the bedroom.
“Gray, wait.” I rush after him, not wanting him to leave angry.
He ignores me, slipping his feet into his boots. Grabbing his keys, he turns to face me as he opens the door. His eyes are sad and I can’t help the tears that fill mine.
“I love you, Kennedy. More than you could ever realize. But right now I can’t be around you. I’ll be home later, but I need some space right now.” Gray leans forward to kiss my forehead and he’s gone, the door slamming behind him.
Shit.
CHAPTER 16
Grayson
Fuck this.
Fuck that.
Fuck her.
I’m fairly certain that I have never been this angry before. As I drive off, I have to keep both hands on the wheel to keep it in control. Pulling onto the main road, I realize I have no idea where I’m going. I just drive aimlessly. Ten minutes later I find myself pulling into my parents’ driveway. With all that’s gone on, I haven’t talked to them since before the baby situation. Both their vehicles are in the driveway, which I’m thankful for. This way I can talk to them at the same time.
It’s a warm day, so they’re both sitting on the front porch. Mom has a huge smile on her face as I make my way over to them.
“Grayson! Oh honey, it’s good to see you!” Mom drops her book and rushes over to hug me. I return it, soaking up the warmth and familiarity of her. My dad stands to clap me on the back, then moves another chair over so I can sit with them.
“How are you doing, son? How’s the firehouse?” Dad asks.
I sit down between my parents, leaning back in the chair. “Work is good, Dad. Nothing too crazy lately. Just the usual. It’s actually been pretty quiet.”
“Glad to hear it.”
My dad has always been a man of few words, so I just reach out and squeeze his shoulder. My mom leans over and pats my leg.
“So how is Kennedy, sweetheart? You guys still going strong?” Luckily, after the terrible first meeting between them, Kennedy patched things up with my mom really quick. My mom loves her like one of her children. I have to swallow the lump in my throat.
“Yeah, we’re good.”
I know Mom can see my hesitation, and she doesn’t waste a second. “Honey, what’s going on? Are you and Kennedy not doing okay? Did something happen?”
What is it about a mother’s concern that can bring you to your knees? In seconds my mom has me fighting my emotions, knowing how hard this is going to be to tell her.
“Something happened, Momma. Couple weeks ago.” Leaning forward, I brace my elbows on my knees and hang my head.
“Grayson, honey, what’s going on?”
“I was gonna be a dad.”
I can hear my mom’s sharp intake, and my dad shifts in his seat next to me.
“What happened, Gray?” he asks.
“I guess she was about five weeks along. She didn’t even know. She had a miscarriage and everything is falling apart. We’re at each other’s throats. She won’t talk to me.”
Shit. I’m such a goddamn pussy.
But it’s my parents. And for the first time since we lost the baby I allow myself to fully let go, get all my anger and sadness out.
“She said I was smothering her, and that I didn’t understand what she’s going through. But that isn’t true! And I said some awful things to her. Like really awful things. But I’m so angry. And on top of that, she was hiding the fact that her mother was trying to blackmail her out of the money her father left her when he took off. I just...I don’t fucking know what to do.”
My mom reaches over to rub my back and I turn to hug her, burying my face in her neck.
“Tell me what to do, Momma. I need your help, please.”
“Oh Gray, I’m so sorry. But Kennedy is just hurting. Anything she says to you is just in anger and sadness. You can’t think that she doesn’t love you. She’s probably lashing out because she loves you. Listen to me, okay?” Mom pulls back and wipes the tears off my face, and I see the evidence that she’s been crying too.
“I never told you kids this, but before we had Suzy, I had a miscarriage. We lost a baby at around ten weeks. And to this day it still hurts. Losing a child, whether they’re born or not, it’s not something you ever get over. And I understand where Kennedy is coming from. She shouldn’t be treating you like that, but I understand.”
“Mom—”
�
��Grayson, listen to me. When I lost that baby, I was angry at myself. Angry that my body rejected such an innocent life. That it didn’t do what it was supposed to. And I blamed myself. Took it out on your father, until one day he told me that I needed to forgive myself in order to move on. That even though he didn’t blame me, he knew it was nothing either of us did, I needed to let go of the guilt. You just need to be patient with her. I could see it in her eyes the night you two kids came over. She loves you, but she’s hurting. Back off a little, even if it’s hard. Let her have her time and she’ll come around. Just love her as gently as you can.”
***
I spend a couple more hours at my parents’ house and then head home. I miss Kennedy and I want to try to talk to her again. My mom’s words really resonated with me. This whole time I’ve been worried about making sure that Kennedy wasn’t hurting, when I just need to let her hurt. Nothing I do or say will take this pain away from her. I just really hope she can forgive me for what I said.
I decide to make a stop on the way home. Pulling into the local grocery store, I jog inside and head for the floral section, picking out the biggest bouquet of white roses.
Several minutes later, I’m back in my truck, heading home. Unfortunately, I pull into my driveway to see that Kennedy’s car isn’t parked there. Not thinking anything of it, I head inside, carrying the flowers into the kitchen. I have no idea if I own a vase or not, so I rummage through my cabinets until I find something I can use. I go to fill it with water when I notice a piece of paper lying on the counter. Setting the flowers down, I reach out and pick it up.
Grayson,
I’m sorry to do this in a letter but I need some time to myself, time to try and make sense of everything. I still have to deal with my mother and I need to do it alone. I’ve gone to Knoxville to see her and I knew you’d only try to stop me. You’re protective like that, you know? It’s one of the things I admire the most about you, your ability to make me feel so safe, so protected. Please know that I don’t blame you for anything that happened. I’m so sorry for taking things out on you. I’ve never been very good at letting someone else take care of me, but I’m going to do my best to let you do it more often.
Falling in love was never supposed to be in the cards for me. But I let you in, Grayson, even before I knew I did. And it was one of the best decisions I have ever made. Don’t be angry with me for going to see my mother, but I miss my family. I need a family. Losing our baby only cemented that even more. Maybe I’ll get it back, maybe I won’t, but I have to try. Please understand, Gray. Understand how deeply I love you. Before I met you I was just going through the motions. But you, Grayson Michaels, you brought me back to life. My life has no meaning without you. So let me go. For now, at least. I’m always yours.
Forever,
Kennedy.
Hands shaking, I drop the letter, flowers forgotten. I race into the bedroom, flinging open my bureau drawers. Her stuff is gone. Going into the bathroom, I find the same in there. No toothbrush, no toiletries. Scrubbing a hand over the back of my neck, I close my eyes, heart racing.
She’s gone. She fucking left me.
Reaching into my pocket, I pull my cell phone out, dialing Noah. He answers, thank God.
“Hey, man, what’s going on?”
“She’s gone, Noah.”
“Who’s gone?”
“Kennedy. She fucking left me. We got into a fight and I went out for a little while and I came home and she’s gone. Went to see her mother in Knoxville.”
I can hear a commotion in the background and then Noah is gone, Aubrey coming on the line. “Grayson? I’m sorry, I told her not to go like that.”
“Wait, you knew, Aubs? Why didn’t you stop her? If she was so hell-bent on seeing that bitch I would have gone with her!”
“I know, Grayson. And I think that’s why she didn’t tell you. She wanted to do it herself. Kenni is stubborn. You know that better than anyone.”
“Stubborn, yeah. Stubborn as a motherfucking mule,” I mutter.
“Gray….”
“No, Aubrey. No. I’m so frustrated right now. Y’all knew that she left, and nobody felt the need to tell me. My girlfriend runs away after we suffer a loss so she can go chase a family that, no offense, clearly doesn’t fucking want her, yet she has people right fucking here who want her. I’m so fucking done right now. I know I joke a lot and act like a jackass, but I do have feelings. I’m tired of being the bad guy all because I wanted to help Kennedy. So no, I do not want to fucking hear it right now. Am I acting like a little bitch? Damn straight. At least I don’t run away from my problems, like your best friend does.”
Not bothering to listen to her response, I end the call, so angry I could punch a hole in the wall. Absolutely fucking ridiculous. Heading back into the kitchen, I go straight for the fridge and grab a beer off the bottom shelf. Popping the top, I drink until it’s half empty. Wiping my mouth with the back of my hand, I take the beer into the living room and drop onto the couch. Turning the TV to ESPN I watch highlights of the latest Braves game and finish my beer. Four beers later, I find myself no longer angry. Now I’m just exhausted, and I miss Kennedy. I wish she would’ve just talked to me. I think that’s what I’m the most irritated. I’ve been begging her to talk to me, and instead she runs away.
Setting my empty bottle on my coffee table, I shut the television off and go to bed. I strip down to my boxers and climb under the blankets, making sure my alarm is set for the morning. Once I’m settled and comfortable, I let my mind drift to Kennedy. I just hope she finds whatever she’s looking for. And I pray she doesn’t come home any more destroyed than when she left.
CHAPTER 17
Kennedy
Pulling into the Holiday Inn where I booked a room, I have to wipe my tears and take a deep breath. The whole drive here I prayed I haven’t made a mistake. I know taking off like this was wrong, but I have to see my mom. I need to confront her, and whether it ends with her being in my life or I never speak to her again, I need to do this.
Climbing out of my car, I grab my duffle bag off the backseat and head inside. I know I look like a mess, but honestly I don’t care. I check in with the front desk and I’m given my room key. I booked with them for only two days, but I’m prepared to stay longer if needed. It’s the weekend, so I don’t want to call out of work, but however long this takes, I’m ready for it.
After throwing my bag on the queen-sized bed, I grab my toiletry bag and head into the bathroom to shower. I turn the water on as hot as I can stand and climb in, hoping to scrub the sadness off me. I’m busy rinsing the soap out of my hair when I hear my cell phone ringing. I’m sure it’s just Grayson, so I ignore it and finish my shower.
Wrapping myself in a towel, I walk out of the bathroom and grab my phone, seeing it was Aubs who called. I quickly hit redial and wait for her to answer.
“Hey, Kenni,” Aubrey answers, sounding sad.
“Hey. I saw you called.”
“Yeah. Kenni, I understand why you went to see your mom, really I do. But you killed Gray leaving like that. He’s so angry. He called when he got your letter.”
Closing my eyes, I fight hard against the tears, but they come anyway. “I know, and I’m sorry. I hope he can understand why I left. I didn’t do it to hurt him.”
“I know, and I think he knows that too. He just feels like you’re doing something that’s only gonna end up hurting you more. And he’s afraid you won’t come back to him when it does.”
“I’m coming back to him, Aubs. I love Grayson more than anything. I don’t know how to be Kennedy anymore without him. I need this. I need to see her. She needs to know how much she hurt me. Dad knows, and I think that’s why he avoids me and sends me impersonal birthday cards. But Mom never had to say sorry, and even though I know deep down she loved me, she still let me go. She never fought for me. Dad was the one who got fucked over, but Mom just let him take me. And then he threw me away. I never knew what it was like to be wanted
until Grayson. Until you. And I need her to see that no matter how much she tries, she can’t hurt me anymore. I’m not the scared eighteen-year-old she left.”
Aubrey and I are both openly crying together on the phone, and I can feel myself healing. I haven’t even seen my mother yet, and I already feel better about coming here. About doing this. I tell Aubrey that I’ll call her tomorrow after I go see my mom. Throwing my phone down, I rummage through my bag until I find a pair of underwear and one of Grayson’s dirty T-shirts I brought. Well, not dirty, but unwashed. Pulling it over my head, I’m immediately engulfed in the scent of his cologne wrapping around me. Lying on the bed, I let the tears fall down my cheeks. I reach out and grab my cell phone, pulling up my texts. Before I can stop myself, I find Grayson’s name and type out a quick message.
Kennedy: I love you.
Grayson: You don’t leave the ones you love. You know that better than anyone.
Kennedy: Please, Gray. I’m sorry, but you need to understand.
Grayson: I do understand. I just wish you would have talked to me. I’ve been begging you for weeks now, but you always shut me down.
Kennedy: I’m sorry.
Grayson: I know you are, but you hurt me, Kennedy. I know I’m not always the most levelheaded person, but throwing our loss in my face was not okay.
Kennedy: I didn’t mean it, you know that.
Grayson: I know. But that doesn’t make it hurt any less.
Kennedy: I’m so sorry, Grayson.
Grayson: Please be careful, baby.
Kennedy: I will. Promise.
Grayson: Shift in the morning. Talk to you later.
Kennedy: I love you.
Needless to say, he never responds. I fall asleep clutching onto my phone, tearstains on my cheeks. I can only hope that I haven’t ruined us for good.
***
I ended up waking up in the middle of the night and was unable to go back to sleep. I will definitely need a large coffee today. I’ve just finished getting dressed when I hear my phone chime. It’s a text from Gray.