by K. T Fisher
As well as this guilt that’s eating deep at me, there’s another emotion. Anger. I’m angry at whoever did this. Someone took my new friend from me. They took someone who was loved by everyone around me here at the clubhouse, and they cut her life short.
Why Danni? What did she ever do to anyone? That’s the question we’re all asking as we sit here. What’s happened is shocking, but it’s this lack of comprehension that makes it worse. There’s no reason for it all that we can see.
I can’t accept that this was random, that it could have been any of us, but that it just happened to be Danni because of where she was standing. That means that it could as easily have been me.
There was no evidence of a robbery, no motive. The police questioned us quickly before the guys arrived; enough to find out that none of us had seen anything. We’ve got to go to the station later to give formal statements apparently. Prez persuaded them to let us come back here first. I’m grateful for that. I’m even more grateful that Elle thought to include me. I didn’t know what to do as I sat In front of the coffee shop. I was just sitting there, letting guilt consume me.
I look at the woman who just a few days ago hated me. There’s strength of character in her I’d be proud to have. It must have taken an incredible amount of courage for her to befriend me. I’m not sure if our roles were reversed that I’d have been so understanding, or forgiving. She loves Ink that much is clear. It’s written all over her face when he walks in a room, and I envy that. Not because it’s Ink and Elle, but because I want to feel like that about someone, and crave for the feeling to be returned. Danni had that look when she talked about Justice. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to feel that strongly about anyone.
The guys have gone off to some sort of meeting, leaving all us women alone. Well, as alone as you can be in an MC. There are club whores, old ladies and club prospects around. Does this place ever get empty I wonder?
Sue and Diane are sitting with us, or perhaps I should say crying with us. They’re as shocked as the rest of us. Danni sure was popular around here. You can feel the sadness all around. The prospects look down, old ladies are crying, and even the whores are shedding a few tears. Danni meant something to everyone here, and her death will affect the club whether she was an old lady or not.
Sue looks over to Eve. “Where’s Elizabeth? I could do with one of her cuddles right now.” Eve looks panicked for a moment, as though she’s forgotten something important.
Elle soothes her. “She’s fine Eve, don’t worry. Maggie will take care of her.”
“Maggie?” Sue questions.
“Maggie, Scalp’s wife.” Eve explains. “The kids got on so well together at the party that Maggie suggested a play date, and as Elle and I were heading out of town for the day it seemed a good idea.”
Sue looks uncomfortable, and I don’t know why.
“Honey, Maggie is Carnal MC. Are you sure that was such a good idea? They were at war with us just a short while ago.” Sue sounds concerned.
“Angel was fine with it. He’s the one who invited them to the party after all. That trouble was all down to Satan, it was never really the club.” Eve shifts uncomfortably. “Maybe I’d better ring her and ask her to bring Elizabeth home.”
“Don’t.” Diane interrupts. “This isn’t the place for that precious little girl today. You need to be here for everyone, Eve. The club needs you. Let her have her fun.” She reasons.
I don’t know much about MC’s but I get that being the VP’s old lady, Eve needs to be here. That said I haven’t seen Teresa, Prez’s wife yet. I wonder where she is?
I look over at Holly; she’s still in shock. She and Danni had only just made up and repaired their friendship, only to watch her die the next day. The timing of this is so terrible. Life really can be a bitch. She sees me watching her and drops her head, muttering. I can’t hear her clearly so move to the seat next to her, putting my arm on hers to comfort her.
“It’s my fault. It’s my fault. I brought him here. It’s my fault.” She repeats her mantra quietly. I don’t know why she thinks it’s her fault. If anyone’s to blame it’s me. I don’t know if I can live with this guilt.
We all look up as the guys leave the office. Angel, Prez and Ink come over to join us, but Justice storms off in what I assume is the direction of his room. His heavy boots thumping loudly on the floor as he passes, and I notice Holly flinch.
Elle looks after him sadly, before turning to me. “You should go to him, Emma.”
Me? Why the hell would she say that? What can I do for him?
Elle sees the look of confusion on my face. “He’s hurting. Go to him, just hold him for a while. He may be a big badass biker, but he’s only human. He’s going to be hurting right now. Go help him.”
I’m about to protest that I’m the last person he’s going to want to see right now, but Ink stops me. “Elle’s right, Emma.” He assures me. “He’s hurting right now, thinking this is all his fault somehow. Go talk to him, keep him company.” He requests.
I have a lot of respect for Ink. If he says Justice needs me right now, then I’ll try. I’ll put my feelings aside for a moment and see if I can help.
I look at Angel and Prez. They nod their heads in agreement. I hold back my groan. Even if I don’t agree, I can’t say no now.
Elle tells me where to go, and I head in the direction of his room. I stand outside the door, shaking a little from nerves. How can I face him right now, knowing this is my fault?
Gingerly I raise my hand and knock on the door. I can do this. I have to do this.
“Fuck off.” Comes the blunt reply. I nearly leave when he answers. “I wanna be alone.”
Then I think about the people back there who need me to look after their friend, and truthfully I’m a little worried about him. He’s a tough guy, but this is a tragedy. It can bring the strongest of people down.
I know I should just storm in there and check on him, but I’m not as strong as I thought. Sighing deeply, I sink to the floor, my back against the wall. I’ll give it a minute or so for my courage to return, and then I’ll try again. I’ve got to do this for him.
Chapter Twenty
Justice
As soon as I snap at whoever’s outside my door I regret it, but fucking hell, I need to be alone right now. All through the meeting that Prez called in his office, we discussed Danni’s death. It’s all so sudden that I haven’t had time to process it. How could someone do that to her?
Danni didn’t have any enemies. As far as I knew, everyone loved her.
The rage takes over, consuming me body and soul. I didn’t treat her with the respect she deserved, and I’m a fucking idiot for it. I did care for her, maybe I even loved her in my twisted way, but I never told her. She’d been a part of my life for such a long time that I can’t imagine being without her. Life is too fucking short. I should have told her all this crap before it was too late.
I glare at the shelves in the corner. The shelves that Danni told me I needed to add to my room, so I could put up photos and shit. She said my room looked too much like a shag pad, and not a place to relax, so I added things into my space to please her. I wanted her to feel comfortable when she was here with me. I scan the photos - bikes, family and Severed members. And then, right there on the end in a bright white photo frame, slightly smaller than the rest, is a photo of Danni. She’s standing with Holly and me at my mother’s house back home. It was Holly’s birthday. It’s the only picture I have of Danni. Another thing for me to feel guilty about. I didn’t appreciate her enough. I wish I had, I wish I could now, but that opportunity has been stolen from me. I took her for granted, and now I can never make it right.
How cruel is it that you only realize how much someone means to you, how large a part they played in your life, when they’re gone.
With a last glare at the picture I roar out in pain. Slamming my fist down on the wood, I start throwing everything, kicking anything that gets in my way; I bring chaos to my ro
om. “I’m such a fucking idiot!” I shout. What I wouldn’t give to have her back here now, if only to tell her how wrong I was. I should have told her how I felt. I should have paid more attention to her. I don’t know whether I was in love with her or not, but now I will never see her again. She’s been taken away for good. I angrily wipe the tears from my face.
A gasp from behind interrupts my mad outburst. I turn to see Emma, standing in the doorway. She’s staring open mouthed at me. It must have been her knocking on the door, I thought she’d gone away, but she’s obviously let herself in. I face her, and she backs away a little. For fucks sake, not only have I already scared Holly today, now I’ve added Emma to the list. “Shit!”
At my shout she backs away towards the door. Another woman I haven’t been straight with. I shouldn’t have tried to bring her in to the mess that was Danni and I, but I did, and now here we are. I can’t lie and say that I don’t feel something that pulls me towards Emma. She’s beautiful and her strength amazes me. She’s a lot like Danni in some ways, but where Danni was shy and quiet, Emma is forward and bold. She’s not afraid to stand up for herself and the people she cares about. I like that about her.
I hold my hand out towards her. “Don’t go.”
I didn’t want company, especially while I’m like this, but now that she’s here, I don’t want her to go. I suddenly don’t want to be alone.
“Are you going to stop smashing up your room?” She asks cautiously.
I almost laugh, but only a small smile crosses my features. “Promise.”
She smiles back shyly, slowly walking further into my room, shutting the door behind her. I feel a little better when the door closes, I don’t want anyone else to see me like this. I don’t like the thought of Emma seeing me looking this vulnerable, but I also don’t want her to leave me. I need her right now.
Emma
Hearing the banging and cursing from inside Justice’s room, I know I have to go in and check on him. I’m scared he’s going to hurt himself, but when I see what he’s done, and the look on his face, I’m even more worried about him. There’s such a raw look of pain on his face. Right now he’s scaring the crap out of me, but when he reaches his hand out to me and I see the tears in his eyes, I go to him.
As much as he’s hurting right now, I think he just needs some company, someone who’s not going to judge him or ask anything of him.
I shut the door behind me, moving a few steps closer to him. As soon as I’m within his reach, he grabs at me, pulling me against him. Justice wraps his arms around me, squeezing me tightly. I hear him breathing me in, and it makes me shudder. Not from arousal, but from sadness and guilt. Right now, I should be Danni. She should be here in his arms, having him breathe her in. The harsh reality of life is that instead of her, I’m the one that’s here. He just needs someone here for him, to comfort him, to allow him to let his grief out. Truth be told, so do I.
I didn’t know Danni well, but her life was stolen away in front of me. It may have been quick, but it was also brutal. From what I know of her, she was loved by a lot of people, and the man holding me now cared deeply for her.
“Justice?” I ask, but he shakes his head.
“Shh, just let me have this, yeah?”
I nod my head into his chest and feel him shake under me. He moves us to the bed where we just sit side by side for a long time, no words being spoken. Unconsciously my fingers move lightly over the swell of his arm, tracing the outline of the ink there.
I didn’t think he noticed, but suddenly I sense his hands start to trail up my body. I fight back the tears. It feels like he’s trying to memorize every part of me. I surrender to his touch, enjoying it. My body comes alive for him, and I welcome the feeling. I feel free right now. This is what life is about. Living.
“Let me touch you?” He pleads in a broken whisper. I’m taken aback. Justice doesn’t strike me as the type of man to ask. I’ve always thought of him as a man who just takes what he wants. “I need to feel you, feel your bare skin.”
He’s hurting right now, who am I to deny him this simple request
I stand, letting him watch me as I undress slowly. As I lift my top over my head, I see him start to undress as well. When we’re both naked, we take a moment to drink the sight of each other in. My heart beats faster. Just the thought of being closer to him is exciting me.
I almost sob into his chest as he yanks me close again. His hands move over my body, slowly. He explores every part of me. My hands start to move on their own, following the contours of his abs, tracing the V, moving lower. We’re allowing our bodies to remind us how it feels to be alive. The sensations your body can feel, and the heights a simple touch can take you to.
He lifts me in his strong arms, and I feel safe. I wrap my legs around him, my head on his shoulder as he carries me over to the bed, where he lays me down gently. The guilt that felt like it was consuming me eases as he kisses it away. He places light kisses all the way up my body, worshiping me with his lips. When his head hovers over mine I see the look in his eyes, they’re glazed over. He’s not here with me. It’s not me he’s seeing, touching, loving. It’s Danni. I don’t mind, if anything I’m happy for him. Even though he’s not here with me, I’m giving him the gift of being with her again. One last time. To say goodbye the only way he can, through me. I allow him to use my body as his instrument. As his tears drip on my body I let this gift he’s giving me ease my own guilt.
His kisses move lower, and his tongue traces between my legs. This is the most sensual experience I’ve ever had. It doesn’t feel real. I feel guilt burn deep as I orgasm, but the whole time Justice’s voice is soothing me. Whispering words I never thought I’d hear from this big man. I’m too lost in the sensation to comprehend what he’s saying, but the gentle tone of his voice is enough.
I reach my hand down between us, caressing his length. It’s silky soft, and I trace the veins along him. It feels so right, and yet it feels so wrong. He moves my hand away, and the guilt hits me deeply. I shouldn’t be doing this.
I look up as Justice suddenly thrusts into me. I’m gasping, tears falling down my cheeks and onto the pillow.
“Justice.” I moan.
He shakes his head. “Jack, call me Jack.”
I swallow back the hitch in my throat. “Jack.” I whisper.
This spurs him on, his eyes glazing over again. I become calm as I watch him come undone above me. He kisses my head softly, but I know that it’s not me he’s kissing, it’s not me he’s sharing this moment with, it’s Danni. Sharing one last moment that they were cheated of. He’s thinking the words he should have spoken out loud to her.
In our own way, we’re comforting each other, and I’m glad.
If it weren’t for Justice I wouldn’t know what to do with myself, with the feelings of guilt that are trapped inside me. As much as I know this is wrong, that I shouldn’t be here, that this shouldn’t be me, I can’t help it. I need it. And that just makes me feel even guiltier.
Justice
When the fog clears from my mind I see Emma beneath me. I quickly pull away from her and stand.
Fuck! What have I done?
Emma gets up from the bed and moves to stand in front of me, looking at me with wide, hurt filled eyes. “Justice?”
I grab hold of my face and groan. “Shit, what did I do?”
Emma looks sad. I curse myself for putting that look on her face. How could I do that? How could I have sex with her, and not think about her once. I wasn’t here in this room. I was somewhere else completely. That’s so fucked up.
“It’s okay.” She tries to smile. “Justice, I know, it’s fine. I think it helped you, and oddly it helped me too.”
“What?”
She sits back on the bed, and I stare down at her. Surely she can’t think what I’ve just done is okay?
She pats the bed beside her. “Come and sit.”
I do. We sit in silence for a few minutes before I’m able to bring mys
elf to speak. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be.” She answers quickly.
She lies back on the bed, gesturing for me to do the same. As I lay down next to her she wraps her arms and legs around me, reminding me of many nights when I shared this bed with Danni.
Emma drifts off to sleep. I finally understand why Emma is okay with what just happened between us. I lean over and kiss her. It may be fucked up, but we helped each other just now. Emma gave me the gift of her body, allowing me one final night with Danni.
This woman is truly amazing. Taking a lesson I’ve learnt from today, I intend to let her know.