Instead, the following words were blurred in my tear-filled eyes:
Cassidy,
Why can’t we just be good friends? If I go out with you again, I would probably lose my friends again. I really don’t want that to happen. I would rather be really close friends and maybe I can ask you out again someday. If one of us goes out with someone else then forget it, okay?
Danny
I didn’t want to be just friends! What did he mean ‘other people’? Did he already have a new girlfriend lined up? I pulled out my records, put on a sad one, sat and cried until no tears were left.
Liz, was really tired of hearing about Danny and seeing me so down. She convinced me to go to the mall with her to get my mind off things with Danny. My dad called Liz ‘Jabber Jaws.’ She loved to talk and was very outgoing. In that sense, we were total opposites. Liz was a little taller than I with naturally curly hair. She totally hated it, especially when it was humid out. Our trip to the mall ended with me meeting a boy at the bus stop. His name was Kyle and we seemed to instantly hit it off. He had blond hair and blue eyes. He wasn’t much taller than me and he had a very thin build. My heart still loved Danny but since he didn’t love me anymore or want to be with me, I knew I had to move on. I also knew it wasn’t going to be easy.
Then one day, a chance meeting with Danny’s brother at our local deli led to me finding out that Danny asked another girl out. Then the next day at school, his brother pointed her out to me. Her name was Kate. She was tiny like me and had dark hair like me. I instantly hated her. How could he get over me so quickly? I have to give Kyle a chance, my inner voice told me. Danny doesn’t care about you, so why care about him?
My relationship with Kyle was far different from what I had with Danny. We spent a lot of time walking around, talking. We didn’t write letters back and forth. We had a very simple relationship. But I found myself constantly wondering if Danny missed me like I missed him still.
One day before I’d introduced Kyle to my parents, a ring of the phone put my mind in a mixer. I just knew it was Danny. He was going to tell me that he was wrong and we should get back together. I ran to my stoop and waited for him. One look at his face told me that it wasn’t a ‘get back together’ meeting.
“I heard you have a boyfriend?” he snapped at me.
“Sort of—well, you have a new girlfriend already!” I exclaimed right back at him.
“So, it is true?” His voice had a softer tone.
“You don’t love me anymore and you already have a new girlfriend, right?” It was out there now, as my tears were slowly finding their way out of my eyes. I didn’t want to cry. I wanted him to think I was fine. I didn’t want him to know that not a single day went by that my thoughts didn’t wander to him.
“I do love you! But that doesn’t matter anymore, does it? And yes, I sort of have met someone…” He trailed off.
“If you loved me you wouldn’t keep hurting me,” I whispered.
“I think maybe we’re just too young right now,” he softly responded.
I didn’t know what I was supposed to say. Maybe he did still love me? I couldn’t answer him. Nothing was going to change the fact that we both obviously had moved on, or did we really?
“I will always love you, always and forever,” he stated in a soft voice as he slowly turned and began walking back toward his house.
“I will always love you too, forever and always!” I managed to get out in between the sobs that were now full-steam. A long blink of my tear-filled eyes and he was gone. It was the first time my forever and always didn’t make us smile.
~* * * *~
I knew what I had to do, and that was to put Danny out of my life. I would go out with Kyle and do everything in my power to not think of Danny anymore. It hurt too much to keep hoping and praying that he would come back to me. It was clear now that he had someone else….I just didn’t want to cry anymore.
Before I knew it, months had flown by and I had managed to live through them. Danny stayed away from places where we would run into each other, and I did the same. That was until one day, we ran into each other at the deli.
I wanted to turn around and run out the door, but I had to be strong and not let him know that just seeing his face was making my heart pound so loudly. I felt sure everyone could hear it. One look at his face and I was off in that world where I believed we still had a chance.
“Hey,” he said.
I studied his face hoping for a sign that he was happy to see me. “How are you doing?” Did he break up with that girl? Maybe we could get back together?
“I’m fine. I’ll wait for you and we can walk back together,” he replied in a voice that could melt my brain cells.
I finished with my order and there he was sitting outside the store, waiting for me.
“How are you and what’s his face?” he asked.
“We’re fine, I guess.” I didn’t want to talk about my boyfriend. I wanted to hear that he missed me!
“Want to go to a movie tonight?” he asked me in a rush of words, as if he didn’t ask fast enough he might change his mind.
“Sure,” was out of my mouth before I could even think about what it meant. I didn’t want to ask about his girlfriend. I was afraid of what he might tell me. I didn’t even give Kyle a moment’s thought.
We made plans to meet at the corner of my street at 8:00 p.m. I was on cloud nine. I thought he was going to ask me to break up with my boyfriend and get back together with him.
It seemed that 8:00 pm took forever in coming. When it was time, I walked out my door and there in the middle of my street stood Danny. He looked so good and I realized just how very much I had missed him. But it was really hard to figure out what to talk about. We were both avoiding what was really happening between us.
“Do you miss me?” I just had to ask. Then I instantly regretted putting the words out there.
“Of course I do. I think about you all the time,” he answered without any hesitation.
I was yelling at myself in my head. Don’t do it, and whatever you do, do not ask him if he wants to get back together. Do not ask him if he still loves you. “I miss you too,” was all I replied.
He took my hand and we walked without many words between us the rest of the way to the bus stop. We didn’t have to wait long for the bus. We made our way to two seats in the back. I turned to look at him. I just needed to see those blue eyes that would melt me like butter in a hot pan. I’d forgotten just how very much I loved him. I was daydreaming when he leaned in to kiss me. I instantly responded to him. We kissed so passionately, in a way we never had before. A kiss that truly said I miss you and I love you.
When we stepped off the bus, he instantly grabbed my hand and we walked to the theatre. The movie could have been a blank screen for all I cared. It didn’t matter what was on it. We spent the whole movie making out in the back anyway. When the movie ended all soon, we walked out holding hands and my head was reeling with questions about what would happen next.
We got on the bus to go back home, choosing seats in the back once again. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other; our lips had never met so much. The bus ride home went way too quickly.
While we walked towards home, reality struck me dead-fast in the face when he uttered the following words to me, “You know I love you and miss you, but I hope you understand that I still don’t think it will work for us right now. I think we need more time apart. Someday, maybe it will be the right time for us. I would still love to see you once in a while, but I am with Kate now and you have Kyle. I think this is for the best.”
“What? Are you serious? Did you just use me?” I trembled as his words sliced through me like ice.
“I’m sorry, I thought you understood we’re just good friends. We can still hang out with each other, just not as boyfriend and girlfriend officially.”
“I don’t know anything right now,” I replied as my world was just pulled from beneath me, yet again. “I have t
o go. I will talk to you soon.” I rushed into the house before he saw my tears.
I laid on my bed for a long time, not hysterical, just random tears rolling slowly down my cheeks and hitting the pillow. Did I want him part-time like this? Not being able to say he was my boyfriend but still seeing him and being with him? I convinced myself that having him occasionally would make him realize that we belonged together.
I was still really angry and with the help of Liz and Danny’s brother, Dave, I found myself in his room being snoopy. I saw a giant glass jar filled with sunflower seeds, his favorite. His brother told me that Kate gave it to him as a present. When no one was looking, that giant jar wound up with cologne poured into it. Guess he wouldn’t be eating those sunflower seeds. I knew it was childish, but I didn’t care.
I continued my relationship with Kyle, and Danny continued to see Kate. I knew I should have felt remorse for being so dishonest with Kyle, but when it came to Danny, my mind only thought of him when he was around. I felt guilty for hurting Kyle but when I had a chance to be with Danny there was just no way my heart would say no. On Saturday nights, he went out with her and I went with Kyle. He and I then would meet up at my house and hang out until all hours of the night. We began to really talk for the first time in our relationship. We started to become really good friends, able to talk about everything. We even talked about Kyle and Kate at times. As much as we couldn’t stay together as a couple, we weren’t able to stay apart for long either.
My parents were either extremely trusting or very naïve as to what went on under their noses. We were allowed to hang out in my bedroom—something not allowed in my girlfriends’ bedrooms with their boyfriends. We were allowed, I think initially, because there was no place else to go other than to be in the living room with my parents or sit in my kitchen. They trusted me. There were times when my mother walked in on us. It could be 100 degrees and he would be under a sleeping bag. One time, she came in, sat on the end of the bed and chatted with us. She never had any idea that he wasn’t fully dressed under that blanket.
Then one day—the phone rang once. My heart instantly skipped a beat. I ran to the mailbox and found a letter.
Cassidy,
I need to see you tonight. I have some very bad news that I need to tell you about. It has to be tonight because tomorrow I will not be here. Meet me on the corner at 8:00 p.m.
Love, Danny
What? What could he possibly have to tell me and where was he going? We hadn’t seen each other that much lately. I couldn’t imagine what this could be about. I just wanted it to be 8:00, so I could find out. My nerves were shot while I sat and waited. I went up to my room, put on some 45s, stared out the window, and waited. You Light Up My Life clicked on. There was something about this song that always made me think of him and how no matter what happened between us, something about him always made my life better.
I became so impatient, I left my house a little early, hoping he would be early too, but he wasn’t. I stood on the corner waiting for him. It seemed like hours, but was probably only a few minutes. At last, I saw him walking toward me, but not coming from his house. I wanted to run to him but I knew I couldn’t seem overly anxious and I didn’t know what this was all about.
“I’m leaving tomorrow,” Danny stated in a voice that instantly told me this was bad. “I got a letter today from the school and I was kicked out. I burned it but they’re going to call my parents. My dad is going to kill me. I’m going to go to Massachusetts.” His parents’ family friends lived there. There was a girl there close to our age. Her name was Brianna. I had heard about her a few times.
“Why can’t you just talk to your parents?” I asked in a desperate voice. “I’m sure they can fix this and get you back in school.”
“You don’t understand. My dad is going to freak when he finds out. My dad can be really cool but when it comes to school…this will not go over well.”
His explanation made me realize just how bad this situation truly was. I just didn’t want him to leave. Even though we weren’t together, it was nice knowing he was still close by. I also knew that if I really needed him, he would be there for me. What would I do if he decided to stay there?
I did understand it all and I just didn’t want to admit it. I knew he had to run but I still wished there was another way.
“I’m taking the bus in the morning. I’ll try to come back in a few weeks if I can. If I can’t, I will do what I can to try to be here for your 16th birthday,” he mumbled.
“I don’t want you to leave!” I cried to him. His words kept echoing in my head. He was really leaving and I didn’t know when I would see him again. He took me in his arms, which started full-blown tears to begin falling. In his arms, I always felt safe and his hugs made the worst day better.
“Don’t make this any harder, please,” he pleaded. “I have to do this. I’ll try to come back for a visit soon, I promise.” He pulled me into his arms again and gave me a really tight hug, then a long kiss. He walked away, then turned around for a second, and gazed into my eyes. “I love you, always and forever!”
Then—he was gone.
I don’t know how long I stood there staring at the sky and asking why this was happening to me. I finally walked home and went straight to my room. I didn’t want to talk to anyone and I couldn’t tell anyone anyway, what was going on. I felt so alone. I grabbed the 45 of Sad Eyes. Then laid on my bed and cried.
The next night, Danny’s mother called me. My mom answered the phone, her face looking confused. “Danny’s mom wants to speak to you.” My mom handed me the phone.
“Cassidy, I know you know where Danny went and what happened. Ray and David have told me most of what is going on. I know he saw you last night; do you know where he is?”
I wanted to lie, but if Ray and David had already told her, I knew I couldn’t lie, and shouldn’t. “He went to Massachusetts,” I told her in a trembling voice. “He was scared about how you would react to him being thrown out of school.” I felt instant relief. Maybe now, they would talk to him and he would come right back home.
“Thank you, Cassidy, for being so honest. Everything will be okay. His dad and I are going to call him later. At least we know he’s safe. We were worried.” With that, she said goodbye and hung up.
When I saw David the next day, he told me that his parents did call Danny the night before, but Danny wasn’t coming back home. He was going to stay there for a while. I was crushed. All night, I kept thinking they would make him come back. Even though I knew he would be in trouble, at least he would be here again.
Weeks passed in a blur. I missed Danny and thought about him constantly. I played my sad 45s a lot, I guess too much, because a couple of them were skipping. I had to put a penny on the needle arm and that seemed to fix the problem for the time being.
~* * * *~
Before I knew it, my Sweet 16 party was finally on the horizon—that coming weekend. I could hardly wait. My girlfriend Beth was going to stay over for the weekend. I also couldn’t wait to tell her everything that had been happening lately. Beth was the type of girl every guy instantly loved. She was short with blonde hair, blue eyes, and had the personality to fit her good looks. She was lots of fun to be around and had a heart of gold.
Beth used to live nearby. We met one night playing volleyball at a local recreation center and instantly became friends. She just recently moved with her family. It was really hard, not having her around like before, but we wrote each other several times a week. Luckily, her parents agreed to let her come for my birthday party. She came in on the bus and was able to spend the weekend with me. I wished she could have stayed longer. It was such a short visit but at least, she was there for my birthday.
Liz and Leslie came over early the day of the party to help me decorate. We went to the local hardware store and convinced them to go into their special storage area to find us Christmas lights. We spent all day hanging up the lights all around the room. I had bought a disco b
all the week before, which I couldn’t wait to use. It was a pain carrying all of my records downstairs, but it would be worth it.
Danny hadn’t come back from Massachusetts, so he would not share my Sweet 16 birthday with me. I was so disappointed. I missed him so much, but he also probably wouldn’t come because Kyle would be there. But I wasn’t going to let my thoughts of him ruin my birthday.
Everyone arrived on time and my basement was filled with my friends. Kyle and his brother showed up. The music was really loud, the disco ball was spinning, laughter filled the room, and dancing filled the floor space available.
I was dancing with Kyle, when out of the corner of my eye, I saw Danny and his brother walking down the stairs. I knew David would definitely be there; he was anxious to see Beth again. But I couldn’t believe my eyes. I couldn’t believe Danny was here. I really didn’t expect him to make it back for my party. From the second I saw him, I immediately fell back into that trap that he always seemed to catch me in. I managed to get Beth’s attention, and she swiftly followed me upstairs.
“What am I going to do? Can you believe he showed up here, knowing Kyle would be here?” I blurted. “He did tell me he would try to be back for my party and he actually made it!” My excitement was in high gear.
“I know you still love him, you know that you can’t fool me.” She knew me too well. “I’m sure he won’t start any trouble and ruin your party. Let’s just see what happens. If I sense trouble, I’ll get David to convince him to leave, okay?”
“Thanks! I sure do miss you being around. It will be nice to catch up when everyone leaves. Let’s get back to the party now,” I told her as my butterflies grew into dinosaurs now that Danny and Kyle were in the same place.
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