We got back to my house and the moment I walked in the door, my parents saw my face and instantly knew something terrible just happened.
Still crying, I explained that I was just robbed at a local store in the parking lot and that they took my pocketbook and necklace. My parents went into action, called the police without hesitation, and everyone went to the scene of the crime. They combed the area hoping this person who robbed me decided to drop my bag after he took the money out. My stomach was turning upside down. I hated lying. I always tried to be as honest as I could be. I felt so guilty about everyone looking for my stuff when I knew it was nowhere near, where we were searching. After hours of searching, it became clear that my bag would not be found.
“What should we do about Lake George?” Danny asked me. “I feel awful about this and totally responsible. It’s up to you. I have plenty of money if you still feel like going.”
“I want to get out of here! I can’t sit around here and keep rehashing the lies I just told.”
We managed to convince my parents that going away was a good idea. I needed to get away even just for the couple of days. Danny explained to them that I wouldn’t need money, he would take care of me.
I decide not to even write about this in my diary. If I didn’t tell anyone, maybe I could convince myself that it wasn’t true. We got to Lake George really late. Luckily, they held our reservation for us. The weekend trip was just what I needed to get my mind off the recent events. We played miniature golf and enjoyed some private time that we didn’t seem to have often.
It wasn’t long before we had to get back to reality. Danny and I seemed to be drifting apart. I was tired of his moods and not calling when he said he would. I began to think of how I didn’t have this problem with George. I thought Danny was doing drugs much more than I knew about and I was just not important enough to him right then.
I couldn’t believe I was going to do this. After long conversations with Leslie and Liz, I decided I must break up with him and see if I could save my relationship with George. That was going to be the hardest thing I’d ever done, yet I knew it was what I needed to do. I knew that if I faced Danny and tried to tell him I would chicken out. I decided to write him a letter.
Dear Danny,
This is truly the hardest letter I have ever had to write to you. I really believed when we got back together that things would be different for us. I thought that we had both gotten older and we could have the relationship that I always thought we should have. The last couple of weeks you have proven me wrong. You don’t call me when you say you will and don’t even want to see me that often. I need someone who wants to be there for me and is there for me. I love you more than I have ever loved anyone in my life, but I just can’t do this anymore. I feel like there is something else going on that you’re not telling me about. I am sorry that it has come to this and I will miss you so much!
Please don’t write back or call; it will be too hard to talk.
Love, Forever & Always,
Cassidy
I folded the paper stained with my tears, put it in his mailbox, rang his phone once, and shut the door once again on my life with Danny. Deep down, I hoped that he would do exactly what I said not to. I hoped he would call or write me a letter that melted my cold heart, but he didn’t. It was really over once again.
After a week of wallowing in self-pity and feeling as if my heart was in pieces, I decided to call Leslie, Liz, and Crystal. We all had become really good friends. They arrived shortly after, Liz with a tissue box in hand. We joked about the tissues. Luckily, that night I didn’t need them. We decided a girls night out was in order. I wasn’t looking to meet anyone else, just needed a night out to keep my mind off my broken heart.
We arrived at McQuades, got a nice booth, ordered some shots, and our night began. My friends did a good job helping me cheer up. The last thing I expected that night was to see George and his brother walk in.
“Hey,” George said with a smile on his face.
“Hi,” I replied. I began to feel bad about how I betrayed him.
“How are you doing? Can we go outside and talk for a minute?” he hesitantly asked me.
“Sure, I guess so,” I answered. I gave Crystal, Liz, and Leslie a look that only girlfriends understand. I didn’t want to go over all that had happened. I also didn’t want to explain how I was wrong by giving Danny another chance.
We walked outside and began small talk. I knew Danny’s name was going to come up in the conversation and I avoided it as long as I possibly could. I looked at George and remembered all the good times we had together. I just didn’t want to make another mistake.
“You know I have to ask you how you and Danny are,” he muttered.
“We’re not together anymore. Honestly, I don’t want to talk about it. I came here with my friends to have a good time,” I explained to him.
“I understand…I can’t say I am sorry to hear this, though,” he quietly responded. “Maybe when you’re up to it and feel ready we can go out to dinner and talk? I really have missed you.”
There it was, those words I didn’t want to hear, and didn’t deserve to hear after what I did to him. “I need time, but I will call you and we will go out one night, okay?” I just wanted to get back inside to my friends and my girls night. I couldn’t go down that road, not tonight.
“Okay,” he mumbled in a clearly disappointed voice.
“I am sorry, it is just too soon right now. Let’s go back inside. Have a drink with us.” I was desperate to get back inside to safety.
“I won’t bother you and your friends. When you’re ready, you call me,” he stated and walked away.
I stood there staring at his back as tears began to fall. No, dammit, why do I have to cry all the time? I felt so bad for him. I knew he loved me, and I felt like such an idiot, but it was just too soon after Danny to even think about what I thought George wanted. I pulled myself together, went back inside, and climbed into the booth.
Everyone was anxiously waiting for the details.
I looked around and didn’t see George anywhere. “Did he leave?”
“Yeah,” Leslie replied. “He looked kind of upset. They left right after he came back in.”
I told them what he said and how I responded. I tried not to think about him the rest of the night and to focus on our girls’ night. I found myself thinking of the disappointment on his face, though.
We left shortly after and went back to my house. My parents were out, so we had the house to ourselves. We raided the kitchen, gathered up snacks and drinks, then sat up half the night chatting.
The next morning, we decided to go to the mall. Going to the mall and buying something is always good to help you feel better. As we were getting ready to leave, the doorbell rang.
There standing on my stoop was a flower deliveryman with a bouquet of flowers. “Cassidy? Sign here.” He handed me the clipboard to sign for them.
I couldn’t move fast enough to open the card.
Dear Cassidy,
I hope you will find it in your heart to call me and go to dinner with me.
Love, George
“Oh, my God,” I cried. “I can’t believe he sent me flowers.”
My feeling of amazement was reflected on all my friend’s faces.
“I think you need to go have that dinner with him,” Crystal told me.
“Yes…I know you’re right. I will tell him when I call to thank him. I just don’t want to jump into anything, you know?”
I knew breaking up with Danny was the right thing to do but that didn’t stop me from thinking about him, wondering what he was doing. Was he thinking of me? Did he miss me at all? My heart and soul missed him with every ounce of my being. I also knew I had to move forward. Why not with George? He really seemed to care about me, and he did treat me well when we went out. I had to be honest with him. I was sure he wasn’t going to like what I knew I had to say. No matter what I did, no matter what I said, deep
down I would always love Danny. He was my first love and the first person I gave my heart to. As much as I was not happy with the way things seemed to go for us, he would always in some way, be a part of my life. I dreaded this conversation but I knew I had to be honest with George and myself.
I made plans to go out with George and talk. I spilled my guts, cried a few tears, and awaited his response to all I had just shared with him.
“You’re not going to go back to him again, are you?” he asked
“No, I really don’t see that happening. I just need you to understand. We just don’t work together but I do think that we’ll be friends again someday. Our families are so close, I know I will see him, and I also know I can’t ignore him forever. I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but I don’t want to hurt you.”
“I love you, you know that, right?” he asked me.
“I know…I love you, too,” I was hoping it sounded convincing. I did love him, or I believed I loved him, that much is true.
After what seemed like a long hesitation, he continued, “Will you go out with me again?” His words seem to linger in the air.
“Yes, I will go out with you again.”
He leaned across the table and softly kissed me. He had the biggest smile on his face and it instantly warmed my cold heart.
~* * * *~
George and I shared the holiday season together; Christmas was wonderful. We went into the city, saw the Christmas tree and then took a horse and buggy ride. We rang in the New Year at a club with most of my friends. Things were about as perfect as they could be, except his heavy drinking at times did concern me.
We enjoyed each other’s company and cherished our time together. We shared many romantic dinners at the Villa Rosa and long talks at our favorite wine and cheese café. He began talking about marriage and sharing the rest of our lives together. He told me that he was going to be asking my parents’ permission soon and wanted to get engaged. He went on to say that he saw the ring he was getting me and had already been making payments on it.
When I questioned him more about it, he wouldn’t elaborate. He said I would find out more when the time was right.
Crystal finally got her own apartment. I was so jealous. I loved going to her new place. We didn’t have to worry about parents being around.
CHAPTER NINE
1983 – Age 20
My phone rang once. My heart began to beat faster and I was filled with an excitement I knew I shouldn’t have. I practically fell over my own two feet to get to the mailbox to see what Danny had left there.
Dear Cassidy,
I know it has been a while and I don’t really expect you to forgive me for what happened. I am just hoping that maybe we can at least be friends again. It would be really nice to see you and talk. If you don’t want to, I understand, but I miss our friendship.
Love, Danny
Why? Why did he want to be friends now? He hadn’t tried to talk to me since we broke up. Why, when my life was on a certain path and moving forward did my past come back to me? George would flip out if he found out about this. There hadn’t been any mention of Danny for a long time, and he probably thought I’d totally gotten over Danny once and for all. Even though in the back of my mind, there were still so many days when I went over the past in my head. I never told anyone about it, but I knew Danny would hold a place in my heart forever. I also tried hard to keep reality in check. Even though I believed that we really loved each other, we just didn’t work together.
It was against my better judgment, but I agreed to meet him one night to talk. I just didn’t know how to say no to him.
I wasn’t inside my house more than five minutes when I heard a light knock at my front door. I hesitated for a split second before I opened it. There he was, standing in front of me, and in a flash my heart filled with a warmth I believed would be absent. I wanted him to hold me. I wanted his lips on mine. I was so angry with myself that I couldn’t stop falling into the same trap.
We sat on the couch and he instantly began to talk about how much he’d been thinking about me. How much he missed me. He told me he was sorry for what happened and that it was his fault. “I just want us to be friends again. I know that I hurt you really bad but not a day goes by that I don’t think about you and miss you.”
His words sounded genuine, and I so wanted to believe they were. “We can only be friends. I’m back with George and we’re really happy. We’re actually talking about getting engaged. I can be your friend, I will always be your friend, but—it just can’t be more than that again.” There I said it. It was so hard to say, but I couldn’t risk losing it all again.
“I understand. Wait—what do you mean you’re talking about getting engaged?” he asked.
“Since we got back together, things are really good between us. He told me that he has picked out a ring. He won’t tell me more. He said he’s going to speak to my parents.” Why was this so hard to say to him? I glanced over at him and a sadness I’d never seen before covered his face. I immediately looked away.
It seemed like a long time passed before he spoke again, “I thought you told me he drinks too much?”
“He does at times,” I hesitantly replied. I didn’t dare tell him that the previous week George was so drunk that my dad found him passed out in his car in front of my house. I drank too much sometimes too, so who was I to judge? I did worry that at times George didn’t know when to stop, especially times when I didn’t think it was appropriate to get drunk.
I thought Danny was waiting for me to say more but I didn’t. I couldn’t let him know that I had doubts. I found a movie for us to watch and the discussion about George ended as quickly as it started.
His hand reached mine and he grabbed it tightly…I didn’t let go. He didn’t need to say anymore; I knew I’d just broken his heart. When the movie ended, we knew it was time to say goodbye. Why did I feel so sad?
“Am I allowed to give you a hug and kiss goodbye?” he jokingly asked me, as he was pulling me closer. At times, I didn’t think he knew how to be serious. He used jokes to mask his true feelings.
“Yes,” I managed to say as my mind filled with thoughts of it being the last moment like this we would share. The feel of his arms around me, the look of loss in his eyes, and his lips wrapped up in mine engulfed me. I buried my face in his neck as tears began to fill my eyes.
He gently lifted my chin up, so that we were face to face. “I have no right to try to talk you out of this. I think you’re making a mistake and that is all I will say. Even though we aren’t together, you know I love you…right?
“Yes—and I love you, too.” I wanted to say more, should have said more but couldn’t.
His arms wrapped around me. I felt as if my whole body was covered in those arms that I loved having around me. He hugged me so tight, like he would never let go. His lips found mine and a passionate, intense, long kiss followed. It was a kiss that said goodbye, but it also said—remember me.
I stood at the front window and watched him walk away. The tears began to fall freely now that I knew that he wasn’t looking at me. I knew I’d done the right thing—hadn’t I? Why was I second-guessing myself the second he was nice to me?
I walked up the stairs slowly, as if almost in a trance. I wasn’t in the mood to watch television, so I put the radio on instead. I sat in the darkness and replayed the night over and over in my mind. I wasn’t aware of anything around me until I heard a haunting song, “Babe I am leaving I must be on my way, the time is drawing near…I’ll be lonely without you…I’ll be missing you.” I grabbed the stuffed animal that he gave me that said I miss you, held it in my arms, and cried.
Since Crystal had her own place now, I called her late that night. I was in tears and told her what just happened. She didn’t say what I should do, just listened as good friends do.
The next day, his words kept echoing in my mind about George having a drinking problem. I quickly put in an SOS call to the girls. I wou
ld have them come over and help me sort this out.
Within an hour, tissue boxes in hand, they were at my door. I was so predictable they knew something had happened that would result in me crying. I explained the previous night’s events to Liz and Leslie, as Crystal already knew. I begged for answers as to what I should do yet again.
After hours of rehashing, I realized that I couldn’t let one night of Danny professing his love for me change and ruin what I had again with George. It was hard and it was eating me up inside, but I needed to not look to the past and work to look toward the future.
After we were done with boyfriend talk, Liz told me that she was going to a trade school to learn medical assisting and asked me to go also. I realized that I needed to look ahead and decided to see what the school was all about. The classes started soon, so we jumped in her car and took a ride to the school. I was going to focus on George and on my future. I found a course on dental assisting that sounded like something I might like to do.
I talked to my parents and explained what I planned. They thought it was a great idea, and with some finagling, they would come up with the deposit. I felt so anxious. I couldn’t wait to go buy the uniforms and shoes. My uncle said he was going to get me a typewriter because they said I would need one for homework. It was only a six-month course but I would get a degree. Sadly, Liz’s course was at a different time, so we wouldn’t be able to carpool there.
I started school and loved it. My days were filled with learning and my nights I spent studying or with George. I never told him about Danny wanting to be friends again. I tried hard to continue on my path of moving forward. I did my best to keep thoughts of Danny out of my mind.
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