Pieces of Paisley

by Leigh Ann Lunsford

  If it weren’t so horrific I would find Jakes reaction funny. He has gone a nice shade of gray and green mixed. A mixture of passing out and throwing up. I put him out of his misery.

  “I told her no.”

  “They know about me?”

  “Uh, yep. Thank Ms. Clearly-doesn’t-know-when-to-shut-the-fuck-up over there. After telling my mommy I kissed a boy and those two gossiping like school girls, my mom invited you boys to dinner.”

  “Paisley, this could be bad. Our age.”

  “She knows.” I don’t understand why I feel sad that he doesn’t jump with joy my mom is actually okay with this. “She says Krista is eighteen, and I am like a twenty-five year old, so she wasn’t concerned.” Why am I basically begging him to be okay with us? We are a few hours into this whatever-we-are and already I feel like I have done something wrong.

  When he still doesn’t respond, I feel the sting of tears in my eyes. I grab all my stuff and throw it in my bag. The good thing about having a friend who can read you so well? Krista is already packed and waiting on me. I am almost to the Jeep when I hear him shouting my name. I ignore the part of me saying to turn around. I throw my bag in the back, and jump in the driver’s seat. I have the key in the ignition and I see him on the walkway. I crank it up and start to reverse when I realize Krista isn’t in the car yet. Damn it all to hell.

  “Stop,” he pleads with me.

  I won’t look at him. I won’t acknowledge him. I am being such a girl about to bawl over a few hours old relationship. A couple of kisses, some positive attention, and I turn into a real idiot.

  “What did I do? You ran off without a word.” Is he seriously joking right now?

  “Just trying to avoid an awkward conversation that started with ‘Sorry, Paisley, it isn’t you, it is me.’ Is there anything else you need to cover?”

  “Shit, Paisley, you can’t just run off and not talk to me about what you are thinking. I didn’t react the way you wanted me to, sorry, but that bit of news was huge. I am trying to work this out in my mind, our age difference, me being in the Navy, those ramifications in itself are huge. I find out your parents know, you assure me they are okay with it, and I am still in shock.”

  “I don’t want to be something you are trying to ‘work out in your mind.’ I want to be more than a problem or obstacle you have to find ways around.”

  “You are. But it has been a minute since you set my world on fire, and regardless of what you want to believe there are obstacles. In every aspect of life, that doesn’t mean we can’t work our way around them, but give me a minute.”

  “I have to go.” He looks at me once and is about to speak. Instead he turns around, walks up the stairs without a word. He turns to look down at me, and I won’t give him anything. No emotion, no feeling, I have nothing to give. I see him punch the side of the house, and I jump in my seat.

  “Now, Krista.” I tell her noticing the tremble in my voice. Once she shuts her door I pull out on the road. “Not a word, not now.” And for once, she listens.

  Chapter 6

  Jake

  Love is when the other person's happiness is more important than your own.

  H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

  I don’t know why she ran away. My brain and mouth didn’t work fast enough to react to the bombshell that she just dropped. In normal circumstances it wouldn’t be huge, but in this case, because of the military, it is so much more. When she turned her eyes on me and they were dead, lacking any kind of feeling, I felt sick . . . then furious because I somehow caused that unknowingly. I wanted to yell at her, shake some sense into her, and beg her to talk to me. Instead I gave her what she wanted and left her alone. I let the feelings engulf me; the adrenaline rush, my hand and fingers tingling, begging for a release, and not hearing anything but the pounding in my ears, I punched the side of the house. I stopped after one hit, but I wanted to keep going. I wanted blood, needed to control this feeling since I couldn’t control what was happening with her thoughts and feelings. I was seconds away from letting this inferno of rage take over me when I heard Kara say, “Stop Jake. This is going to make her run further. Take a deep breath and reel this shit in.”

  I want to listen to her, I know she is giving me sound advice right now, but I am blinded by everything except watching Paisley’s Jeep disappearing out of sight. “Fuck!” I shout. Chad rounds the corner right now and looks at me with pity. “Don’t look at me like that,” I snarl at him.

  “Take it up with yourself, Jake. I didn’t cause this.”

  “Neither did I.” I didn’t. I can’t blame Paisley for it, either. Our circumstances suck and we, whatever we means, are fragile and unknown territory. Only forty-eight hours . . . again I had no desire for a relationship that lasted through the night, and now I am questioning everything.

  “Neither of you did, Jake. It is what it is, but what happens next, falls on both of you.” Kara tells me.

  “What do you suggest?”

  “Clean up your hand, it is a mess. Get in the shower. I will text Paisley, and Chad will call Krista. We have a dinner to attend in a few hours.”

  “Is that smart? I know they both said her parents were okay with everything, but what if they aren’t?”

  “Remember those words last night that rocked your world?” When I don’t answer her, she realizes I don’t know what the hell she is talking about. “Shit or get off the pot. Well, if you want to take that leap of faith, keep that feeling you have worn like a badge of honor for the past twenty-four hours, then you need to trust you can clear this obstacle.” I want to think that it could be that easy, but nothing has been so far in life.

  “I don’t trust it,” I tell her honestly.

  “Then you aren’t worth it. That girl may be everything you ever wanted, or she could be nothing you will ever need. If you want to live with the question unanswered, then continue beating the shit out of everything around you. This is something only you can decide.” She grabs her cell phone and walks down the steps leaving me to ponder what my next step will be.

  Trust is not an easy thing for me to give. Love is another emotion that I don’t like to deal with. Those two go hand in hand, so unless I am going to live my life alone, wallowing in the bitterness of being scorned, then I need to follow Kara’s advice. I am scared. What if I show up and Paisley slams the door in my face? What if I take the leap and fall short on the jump? If I am honest, it isn’t the age or her parents that I fear . . . it is the fear of failing, again. I don’t want to put it all out there and be left with more scars. The ones I deal with, the doubts and disbelief that crowd my mind at the most crucial times, still aren’t totally healed, and I don’t want to reopen them. Her beautiful eyes and boisterous laugh enter my mind and I know I am about to attempt the biggest hurdle in my life. Letting go and not knowing how it will end; I am ready to embark on the part of my life that doesn’t drag the past in . . . my future, either with or without Paisley, I realize it is time.

  I clean my hand, and the damage is minimal. A few busted knuckles and minor swelling. Jumping in the shower, I remind myself it is almost time for a haircut. It is getting a bit longer on the top than I like and being in the brig for six weeks I haven’t had much time for grooming. I dry off, and instead of basketball shorts and a t-shirt, I put on my favorite brush popper shirt, Wrangler jeans, and my boots. This is my normal night time wardrobe, and she is about to get all of me, the boy from Kansas, who despite the confidence and swagger I emit, has doubts, questions about where the future will go. I hope I can talk her into taking my hand and take the next step together until we figure it out. Do you ever truly figure life out? I mean, marriage . . . I believe in it, and I am sure every couple who gets married thinks it is forever, but then factor in divorce, death, and life in general, and you never know where you may end up. So, the term “figuring it out together” sounds great, but is even possible? Kids are another unknown in this life. You raise them, love them, and pray that they follow their dream
s, and then life creeps up and slaps them in the face, and no matter how hard you try to help them, heal them, and protect them, you can’t barricade every crevice and space, and sometimes the big, bad world gets in and damages them.

  Chad and Kara are waiting for me, and we all walk out in silence. Before I open the door to get in the driver’s seat, I take a deep breath and on exhale I force myself to relax. The next forty-five minutes in the car before I can see her, are going to be excruciating. The tension rolling off me is palpable, and I remind myself no matter how it turns out, I will not go out looking for a fight, that I will come home and process this, deal with it correctly, and not use my fists. This is what she makes me want to do, be a better person. I couldn’t truly be happy for her if she fell in love with someone else. She is the girl that I want all or nothing with. No sliver of her, not a smile or hello every now and then, a phone call to catch up, those would never satisfy me.

  I follow the directions Chad gives me, and in no time we arrive at her house. I see her Jeep in the driveway, Krista’s car in front of it, and only one other car on the side of the house. At least I won’t have that big of an audience when I make an ass out of myself. Kara leans up, “Go with your gut. You really don’t have anything to lose.”

  I look at her stupefied. “Nothing to lose? Just that girl inside.”

  She shakes her head. “No, Jake. You don’t have her, yet. You can’t lose what you don’t have.” She has a point.

  We make our way up to the front door and ring the doorbell. After a few moments, Paisley answers the door with Krista right behind her. She has her hair in a messy ponytail, her eyes are puffy and red, and she is wearing a tank top and short ass shorts and is staring at us all with her mouth open and her eyes darting between all of us. I want to smile, I want to pull her towards me, but I want to see her eyes meet mine and tell me it will be all right for any of those things. Krista wordlessly grabs Kara and Chad, and as she shuts the door on Paisley it causes her to fall off the porch stoop and into my waiting arms.

  “I promise to always catch you,” I tell her. That corny ass line just came out of my mouth before, ‘Hello’ or ‘I’m sorry.’

  “Not if you are the one making me fall.” Her voice is laced with sadness. She still hasn’t met my eyes, but she is pulling herself out of my arms.

  “Paisley, I am sorry. I didn’t react fast enough, or how you wanted me to, and I don’t know what to tell you. I wish I had the perfect answer all the time, but I don’t. I am learning in this, too.”

  “I know. I acted like a child, which is exactly why you were reluctant to get involved with me in the first place. I freaked, and I don’t know why.”

  “You didn’t act like a child. You acted like I hurt you, like you were confused. And that is fine. But own those feelings and don’t run off from me. Stand and challenge me, at least give me the chance to disappoint you before you write me off. I am confused, and this has moved pretty quickly. In forty-eight hours you basically have me wrapped around your finger. I don’t mind admitting that, but t I am struggling with is where we go now. You go back to school, I work every day, I deploy for weeks, sometimes months at a time. I don’t know if that is something you are willing to take on.”

  “I don’t know either, Jake. We have the summer to figure it out.” That isn’t good enough for me. Before I can tell her that she continues, “I know what I feel, but I am trying to run from these feelings because they are foreign to me. I am the planner, the thinker, and when I am confronted with you all I do is feel. Happy, scared, elated, breathless, and carefree. Those things scare me because I never want to lose myself in someone. I can’t do that.”

  “You don’t have to lose yourself. You can exist with me. Just be you, Paisley. That is all I will ask of you. That is all I ever will ask of you.” Finally, she gives me her smile and her eyes. Followed shortly by her lips, and I finally take a full breath. I let out the breath I have been holding since she stormed off. This girl will be the death of me, but as long as she is standing beside me when I go, all will be fine.

  Krista pops her head out of the door, “Dinner’s ready, Pais, and your mom is pacing wanting to meet your boy-toy.”

  “Boy? Who are you calling a boy, Krista?” She laughs at me.

  “Nobody, now that I see you can man up and deal with her,” she points at Paisley and we all make our way inside. I grab Paisley’s hand and lace my fingers through hers.

  “You ready?” she asks me. I just nod my head. “Please, don’t hold her behavior against me. I am sure I was stolen at birth, and I am waiting on my real family to claim me.” She can make me laugh in the most tense of situations, and I don’t know what I did to find her, but I won’t look a gift horse in the mouth. I bring our linked hands up to my mouth and kiss the back of her hand. That is how her mom finds us.

  Chapter 7

  Paisley

  It is difficult to know at what moment love begins; it is less difficult to know that it has begun.

  Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

  As I open the door to see Jake standing there, I questioned whether I was drunk or high. When I realized I was in the moment, I felt like I was alive, wired on caffeine. Nobody spoke for moments, and I replayed scenes from earlier today in my head over and over. I thought I would never see him and now here he is standing in front of me. I want to thank Kara for calling me, and I know Krista had a part in this, too. Thanking them will have to wait, because my main focus is what he has to say for himself.

  When he opens his mouth, he doesn’t disappoint. You can’t wipe the grin off my face. I am elated and content all at once. Feeling his lips brush against my hand sends tingles to the tips of my toes. If there is ever one moment you think to yourself, “This is it,” I am having that moment now. Then my mom walks in and clears her throat. Moment over. I give him a weak smile and introduce him to the momentary bane of my existence.

  When I came home teary eyed and pissed off, she would not leave me alone. My step-dad was leaving for work, lucky him. He works the night shift at the brewery and misses my mother most hours she is awake. Probably why they are still married. Of course, Krista spilled what happened, and my mom blamed me. Whose DNA does she share? When I got pissed and asked her why I was at fault, she rolled her eyes at me.

  “Paisley, you told me last night and several times this morning they weren’t coming for dinner. You said, and I quote, ‘It was just little kissing’ then when the boy is shell-shocked you want to bring him home to meet the parents and doesn’t respond accordingly you put your wall up and find blame in anyone but yourself. I don’t understand why you are so upset.”

  “I don’t know why I bother talking to you,” I shoot back at her. The tears are flowing faster than I can wipe them away.

  “You don’t, Paisley. Krista talks to me. I am not saying it isn’t okay to feel hurt, they are your feelings and unjust or not you are entitled to feel them. All I am saying is look at the whole picture, not just your side. Did you explain to him how you felt? Did you give him a chance to catch up to that attitude you throw around? No, you didn’t, so if you want to lay blame, you need to start with your own actions.” I refuse to respond.

  When Jake squeezes my hand, he brings me back to the moment, and I realize I have to speak with her now. “Lily, this is Jake. Jake, this is Lily.” She raises her eyebrows at me silently letting me know my smartass-ness did not go unnoticed.

  She steps forward. “Hello, Jake. I am her mother; at least that is what the hospital told me when they put her in my arms. I have doubts about that daily. Welcome to our home and make yourself comfortable.” She smiles so saccharine sweet at me; yeah, I got my attitude from somewhere.

  Jake doubles over with laughter, and says to me, “Beautiful, you definitely weren’t switched at birth and there is no other family searching for you.”

  “Dream killer.” I smile at him.

  “Dinner is ready, come sit down,” Lily is studying us. She has this knowing grin on her
face and blurts out, “I am so proud I am here to witness the moment of my dear daughter having to eat her words and suck it up. That doesn’t happen much, and it does my heart good.” She looks at me, “Told you, you doubt yourself too much.” She looks back to Krista and just nods at her, waiting for Krista to agree.

  I look at Kara, “Hey, you are seventeen and on your own. How does one go about that?” I look pointedly at my mother, Making sure she knows that I have options. She just laughs at me.

  “Paisley, I have parents who care more about their friends and social status than their own kid. I was adopted because they were the only ones on the street without a kid and had to somehow fit in. From the time I could walk and talk, I was at boarding school. So, I don’t know how you end up on your own at seventeen; I don’t even know how you end up with someone at seventeen. I have always been alone, so it is second nature to me.” Way to shut me up.

  My mom looks at Kara, and I see her plan formulate. Mother-hen mode has kicked in, and Kara is about to get a very opinionated, bossy, over the top mom. She reaches over to Kara and runs her hand down the back of her head and hugs her. She makes Kara a plate of food, and puts it right next to hers. If Kara didn’t seem so happy with it I would feel sorry for her.

  I look up to see Jake staring down at me. “Crazy is abundant here.”

  “It feels like home,” he says in wonderment. “My mom is the same way.”

  “So you aren’t worried anymore?” I ask him, pensively waiting for his answer.

  “Not about your mom. Meeting your step-dad scares the shit out of me.” He sighs.

  “As long as you don’t drink imported beer, you are okay,” and I realize at that moment that he fits in. He just clicks, and it is like this has been a normal staple in our house, and I know without a doubt, more and more of these Sunday dinners are going to include half the ship.

  Dinner conversation is loud and never lacking on any subject. Once cleanup is over, Kara tells Jake she needs to get back to the house because Rick will be off his twenty-four hour duty and will wonder where she is. My mom looks disappointed and so does Jake. Chad jumps in, “Krista, why don’t we head out now, and Paisley and Jake can come later?” He knows Krista always drives at night, she is the day partier, and I am the night one. Once that is settled, we all go in the living room and my mom turns on some stupid crime show. I roll my eyes, but Jake gets comfortable on the loveseat and pulls me down with him.