I see my mom watching from the corner of her eye, but I don’t care. I have my head in his lap, and he is absentmindedly running his fingers through my hair, engrossed in the show. She watches him for a few more minutes before I see her wipe her eyes and settle in her chair, and her attention is pulled into the television. We finish watching the show, or rather they do, because I was too busy trying to stop myself from purring like a kitten. My hair is one way to make me relax, and I love it. The rare times my mom isn’t driving me bat shit crazy I will bring my brush to her and sit down in front of her and have her brush my hair for hours on end, and the way that Jake just knew that . . . I have no explanation.
I get up and say bye to my mom, and she reminds me of my curfew. I tell her I know. We get in Jake’s truck, and he says “Where to?”
“Don’t you want to get back to the house?”
“I am in no rush. I have you alone, and I want to take advantage of it.” I try not to tense up, but I am not ready to go there. He must realize what I am thinking, “Not that way, Paisley. I just want to spend time with you. Someone is always around lately, and I just want to enjoy the two of us for a little while.” I ponder that. Usually my dates or get-togethers are in groups, it is what you do in high school, and so I don’t know how this elevated level of dating or relationships work.
“Sounds good, but I don’t know how we do this,” I explain my reservations to him, and he listens.
“We don’t do anything differently. We just act like Jake and Paisley. No expectations, no questions, no pressure. Can you do that?”
“Yep, now can we get ice cream?” He stares at me for a minute.
“Seriously? That is what you want?”
“Yes, I have a terrible sweet tooth and could live off chocolate alone.” He scrunches up his nose in disgust. “Please tell me you don’t hate chocolate. That is a sin.”
“Okay, I won’t tell you I hate chocolate, but I do.”
“Holy shit, that is un-American. You just crushed my little heart.”
“Baby, I am as American as you get, and I wouldn’t crush your heart intentionally. Dairy Queen?” I nod my head like a seven year old, clapping and hopping in my seat, and he laughs at me. I want to laugh, too, because he thinks I was just living up the moment, but mention Dairy Queen to me, and my inner child stands up and takes center stage.
He doesn’t hate chocolate. He had no problem licking the drips off my chin and then tasting it from the inside of my mouth. He assured me I just made it taste better. We get to the house and all hell breaks loose. Rick is yelling at Kara for something, Krista looks high as a kite, Chad is passed out on the couch, and I want to cry. How did this happen? It isn’t even midnight, and I can’t let Krista drive, and I can’t drive a stick.
“Hey, Pais. We will figure it out. I don’t want you to ask your mom to break curfew since I just met her. I can drive a stick. I will drive Krista’s car, you can follow me in my truck, and then I will drive back.”
“I can’t have you do that. You have already driven there once today. It is too far.”
He kisses the tip of my nose, “You didn’t ask. Now, let them sit out here and be idiots, and we can go in my room.” I don’t feel awkward or scared about being alone with him. Something tells me he won’t hurt me or push my boundaries.
“How often does she smoke that shit?” Jakes asks me, not concealing his disgust.
“Daily . . . she doesn’t do anything hard, though.”
“That is bad enough. You don’t smoke that shit do you?”
Do I lie so he isn’t upset with me? I decide against it and tell him honestly, “Sometimes. Just recreationally, every now and then.”
“I don’t like it.” I don’t respond to him. The silence must not give him the answer he is searching for. “I really don’t like it, Paisley.” He reiterates to me and I find myself promising him I won’t smoke it anymore.
The next few weeks fly by and in that time I get to see what a challenge his temper can be and level of protectiveness is out of control. It can be as simple as a gas station attendant looking at me; he takes it as a challenge to him and our relationship.
“Jake, you need to calm down, he did nothing wrong.”
“The way he looked at you is wrong.” He says, looking directly at the said offender.
“No disrespect man,” poor guy fumbles over his words. Jake is intimidating as hell.
I squeeze his arm and silently plead with him to let it go, just as I have had to do several times; the mall when some guys I go to school with were flirting and joking with me, the movies when my shorts were too short for his liking, and I don’t even want to start on the bitching I heard about my swimsuits. Sometimes it is over the top, but then all he has to do is remind me how much he cares about me, and tell me he has my best interest at heart and I am putty in his hands.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
August
Our relationship is moving along beautifully. We have our issues. He is a bit possessive and his dislike of Krista has taken a forefront in our relationship. School is about to start, and I hate drama. Both of them are always bickering, and I can’t stand being in the middle. Krista is in one ear telling me how controlling he is, and in his defense he isn’t controlling. Yes, he likes things a certain way, but he doesn’t make me bend to his will. He is bitching that she is a bad influence and doesn’t like her behavior. I try and explain it to him.
“Jake, school is starting. Her mom is making her come home, and you don’t understand what it is like for her. They berate her, are physically abusive, and it isn’t as cut and dry as you think. She doesn’t influence me to do anything, and you should know me better than that.”
“We all have to deal with shit, Pais. She is going to bring you down.”
“Really, Jake? You are one to talk about actions. How many times do I beg you not to fight, to walk away from confrontation? How often do you listen to me? We can barely go to a movie or out to eat without you mouthing off to someone. Don’t get on your soapbox and be hypocritical.” Nothing else is said about the fight, but the tension remains.
Next month is their last month in the house, and Jake is edgier than normal. He doesn’t want to lose our privacy, to lose our time. I try and assure him we will make it work; I feel like he isn’t listening and dooming us to hell before even trying. I find myself giving in more and more to his demands. I spend less time with just Krista and we seclude ourselves from the others more often than not. He and my step-dad like to discuss my wardrobe a lot and the lack of coverage that neither of them like. Some days I wonder who the adult in the relationship is between us. I just keep hoping once school starts and we have a set routine he will see things will be fine and restore some order in this relationship. I am doing the one thing I promised myself I wouldn’t and that is enjoying the ride of a relationship.
We are out for our normal Friday night dinner, and I tell him, “When school starts, we have to move date night to Saturday.”
“Why?”
“We have our football games on Friday, and it’s one of the high school rituals I adore. I am actually getting excited.”
“Who goes to these games?”
“You act like you graduated fifty years ago and don’t remember. High school football games haven’t changed in just a couple of years, Jake.”
“Exactly, and I remember our games being the hook-up central. You mean to tell me that you really go for the game?”
“I watch some of it, but it is a way to hang out with my friends.”
“You see them every day at school, so why take away our night together?”
He is acting like a freaking child, and I don’t know where it is coming from. “What is the issue of switching nights?”
“Nothing, Pais. Do what you want.” I see him shutting down in front of me. He won’t meet my gaze, and his mouth is pulled in a firm line.
&
nbsp; “No, Jake. It isn’t do what you want. If there is a reason tell me, and we talk and figure it out.”
“I trust you, I just don’t trust the other guys. Krista and Chad are barely seeing each other anymore. I know she will bring other guys around and I can’t be there to protect you. I just don’t want to lose you, Paisley. Everything seems to be changing at once. Moving out of the house, you starting school, going on my first deployment when I have a girlfriend. It is all overwhelming.”
Immediately I lose my appetite. I have a pain burning in the back of my throat from fighting the tears. I was about to get mad at him for being possessive, and now I am wallowing in guilt because he is just as confused as I am. “Baby, I’m sorry. I didn’t take into consideration all the changes. Let’s compromise. No date night changing, and I will just go to Friday night football when you are deployed or have duty.”
He ponders that for a minute, and then asks, “Promise me you will let all those guys know you are taken, Pais? This isn’t a normal relationship. I can’t come to your school functions and until you are seventeen you can’t come visit me on the ship when I have to be there. The next few months are going to be bumpy and promise me you will just hang on tight.”
“Of course, I will. I am not going anywhere unless you tell me otherwise. When are you going to realize, I love you, Jake?” I said it. I said those words that have always frightened me, but I mean them with all that I have. I have been feeling it for some time, but I wanted to be sure and I have never been more certain than this moment, when he stripped down his walls and showed me his vulnerabilities. I always take for granted that he knows what he wants, he is so sure in his decisions, and I never want him doubting us.
“I love you too, Paisley. You are everything I ever wanted, and I am so scared to lose what we have.”
“Hey, I am right here. I am not going anywhere.” I feel like we are making great progress and things can only continue to get better.
Chapter 8
Jake
Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within.
James A. Baldwin
August passed by in a blur and now the end of September is looming. Paisley went back to school and while it was hard for us to make time for one another, we did. We were both tired and grumpy. The forty-five minute drive one way was taxing, and when we both have to get up early in the morning, her curfew is ten on school nights, it is grating on us. Tonight is her birthday, and I vow to make it memorable. Her mom extended her curfew until three for tonight only, and I have all her favorites. Chocolate cake, tequila, and wine coolers. The physical part of our relationship is heating up, and I can tell she is ready for more, but I always stop it. I want her to be sure before she gives me herself, because I don’t think I will ever let her go.
Rick has duty tonight so the usual barrage of guys here will be less. I don’t get why he brings them all back when he has his fiancé here because all he does is treat her like shit when they are around him. Kara and Paisley have gotten pretty close, and that makes me feel better. If anyone can help her through the next month when we deploy, it will be Kara. Although she is going to Rick’s grandparents during the deployment, I know she and Paisley will take turns visiting and it will keep her away from Krista. Since she and Chad ended their thing, she is on a downward spiral. I know it isn’t over Chad, they are still friendly and occasionally hook up, but Krista is destructive, and I refuse to let her take Paisley down.
Seeing my girl walk in like she is comfortable here makes my heart soar. She should be comfortable here. There are days I get home from work, and she is sitting here waiting on me with her schoolbooks spread around her and chatting with Kara. The only thing that could make me happier is if she would quit smoking. That is one bone of contention between us that we can’t resolve. She tells me if I quit dipping then I can say something about her smoking, but she still won’t quit. She always points out it is her decision. She dressed for me tonight, conservative just like I like. Don’t get me wrong, she has an amazing body, and I enjoy looking at it, I just don’t like anyone else looking at it, so she has on a school sanctioned outfit tonight, so her shorts are longer and her top is covered. I meet her halfway and pick her up. “Happy Birthday, Beautiful,” I tell her before I take her lips in mine and worship her mouth. When she wraps her legs around my waist and deepens the kiss even more, the world comes to a stops. Only the biting words of Krista telling us to get a room break our spell.
Paisley laughs it off, and as much as I want to tell her to mind her own business I promised Pais tonight I would keep the peace. I am going to let the party go on for a little while before I steal her away and give her the present I got for her. I let her mingle, and I hang out with some guys in the kitchen, and she is in my line of vision most of the time. She has found her spot on the couch with a wine cooler and a smile on her face. She and Kara walk outside, and I know she is going to smoke. I bite my tongue determined not to ruin her night. I quickly get drawn into the conversation about sports and when I glance back in the living room, I see Kara but no Paisley. I make my way outside to look for her, make sure nobody is bothering her. When I don’t find her, I make my way back inside.
“Where is Paisley?” I ask Kara.
“Krista was bound and determined to get to Krystal’s and was stoned out of her mind. Paisley and she were arguing about her driving, and I offered to take her because Pais has been drinking, but Krista would not relent. Paisley ended up riding with her, and I couldn’t stop them.”
I am pissed, at both of them, but more at Krista for once again putting Paisley in a bad position. Paisley should have never gotten in that car, but I know in my heart, she was trying to help Krista. “Fuck! This is what I am talking about Kara. She is going to end up hurting herself and Paisley one of these times, and she doesn’t care. I have never met anyone more selfish than her.”
“I get it, Jake. You aren’t going to change Paisley’s mind about her. That is her best friend, and she is protective as hell.” Right then, the door bangs against the wall, and Krista comes in with a sackful of burgers. I speak before I think.
“What the hell, Krista. It is one thing if you want to kill yourself, but leave my girlfriend out of it. You are supposed to be her best friend, and yet you don’t give a shit about her.”
“Lighten up, Jake. We are back in one piece.” She basically ignores me as she walks into the kitchen. Paisley is just looking at me, with her chin trembling, with her voice cracking she says, “I am sorry. I couldn’t let her go on her own. I give up; I don’t know what to do with her anymore. It’s hard constantly being in the middle, and I know she is in pain, but won’t talk about it.”
Seeing her defeat hurts me. “It’s okay, Pais. Please don’t do it again. I was going crazy thinking something could have happened to you. Sometimes you have to let people find their way back, and until they are ready to be found, they are lost to us all.” I am pissed as hell at her friend, but I can’t fault Paisley, her heart is in the right place, I just need her to have more regard for her safety. I decide now is the best time for her to have her cake, and then I can steal her for a few minutes.
“Kara, can you get the cake ready?” She smiles and jumps off the couch, heading into the kitchen. After a few minutes I hear her screaming at someone, and before I can find out what is wrong, Krista comes running out of the kitchen, laughing and covered in cake, like she slammed her face into it.
I push past her and see the cake ruined. “Jake, she just shoved her face in it. No warning, nothing. Sorry, I couldn’t stop it.” I have had it. Now I am absolutely livid and nothing is going to stop me from laying into her.
“You selfish bitch! You can’t let anyone have anything good. You find some way to fuck it up and walk away leaving destruction in your path.”
Paisley is blatantly crying. I know she didn’t like me calling Krista a bitch, but she was. Yet, at the same time, I know she sees what her best friend is be
coming. Before anyone else can respond, Krista runs out of the house, and Paisley is on her heels. Just once, I want my girl to pick me.
I walk in my room to get my keys; I am going outside to cool down for a minute. I step outside and freeze in place, Paisley is yelling at Krista. “You didn’t have to do that, Kris. You have choices, and you make the wrong ones repeatedly. I don’t know who you are anymore, and I don’t know why you can’t be happy for me. He isn’t who you would have chosen for me, I get it, but it is my decision. He is whom I chose for me, and I am so tired of the bullshit between you two. Just once, can you take my feelings into consideration?”
“I am sorry, Paisley. It was wrong. Everything I have done is wrong. You are wrong, he is exactly who I would chose for you. He is exactly what you need, and I am so jealous I can’t see straight. That makes me a shitty friend, and I hate that. I miss having what you have with Jake. I miss it every second of every day, and it physically hurts to see it.”
“What do you want me to say to that, Kris? You have been my best friend forever, and I care about what you feel, what you need, but I can’t sacrifice my happiness for you. It isn’t fair and I would never ask that of you.”
“I know. I was going to tell you later, but I guess now is as good of time as any. I am going to live with my dad and Jeneane. I will switch schools to finish out my senior year. I leave next week. I need this, I need away from everything.” She turns and walks down to the beach leaving Paisley standing there shocked and heartbroken. I want to be mad, but for once I think Krista is doing what needs to be done. I walk back in my room and grab the jewelry box on my dresser. I hurry back outside, and she is standing in the same spot. She hasn’t moved, and I don’t know if she realizes I am approaching her. She hears me and turns around, once she is aware it is me, she runs into my arms and starts sobbing. This is not the way I wanted her birthday to go, but if I am the arms she runs to when she needs someone, I will take it.
Pieces of Paisley Page 6