I make curfew and my mom is up reading one of her romance novels. She is immediately at my side as I sob. “What is wrong, Paisley? Are you hurt?” I can’t speak through my sobs, so I shake my head no. I am hurt but not in the sense that it can be cured. The only thing that can fix this is time and faith, both of which I lack. Once I calm down enough to talk to my mom, the floodgates open, and I pour it all out.
“I am overwhelmed. At life, in love, just everything. He is leaving in less than two weeks, I lost my best friend, I can’t stand being in school, and everything is happening at once. I don’t know how to process this.”
“One day at a time, with one foot in front of the other.” What kind of motherly advice is that? I squint my eyes at her, and my lips turn into a scowl. I am about to freaking tell her she is an idiot. “Paisley, you cannot control life. You can’t control your feelings. You have to acknowledge them and grow from them. You like to think you can put everything into a category and move on, but not everything fits into a box and can be checked off. The best parts of life, you feel. You roll with the punches, you experience that free falling feeling, you embrace it, you hate it, you love it, but you feel it. Those are the parts of life you know you are doing right. You baby girl, you are coming into the hard part of life, but the best part of it, also. You get to experience so many new things for the first time, you may experience many things over and over, but there is only one first time. Your first love, your actual ‘first time,’ your senior year, friends growing and changing, and, sadly some friendships ending. If you don’t embrace it and live through it you stilt your growth, and life will keep happening alongside you, but you won’t be part of the ride. In a nutshell, you are growing up. These are all growing pains, and while the Jake situation I expected you to experience that much later in life, you have the tools to deal with it, dig deep baby girl. Don’t let go of what you want, and don’t settle for a safe way of life because you think it is easier.”
With my mom’s words to mull over, I make my way to bed and can’t sleep. I toss and turn all night and reflect on her words. I get what she is saying, but I think the price may be too high . . . the price I am paying right now is my sanity, my security. For the next few days I wake up, go to school, see Jake, wallow in misery when I leave him, and the whole time lying to him that everything is okay. I don’t want to dump my fears on him, I don’t want him to doubt me and regret taking a chance on us. Most of all, I don’t want to disappoint or hurt him. I muddle through the next days until it is time to say good-bye. My mom allowed me to miss school so I could be there to see the ship pull out and send him off with my love. A group of us meet for breakfast at the ass crack of dawn because they have to be on the ship by seven o’clock. There is a somber mood, all of us silent while we move food around our plates. Kara just found out she is pregnant, Rick is on edge about leaving her, because she has already had a miscarriage and she took it pretty hard. It was before I knew her, but I promise him I will be there for her. Jake senses my dishonesty, the wall I am slowly erecting around myself. He worked so hard to knock it down once, but he may not want to do it again.
Dropping him off and saying good-bye is nothing for which I could prepare myself. There are so many unknowns that can happen out there. The fact that this may be our last good-bye about sends me into a panic attack, but I somehow control it. He reluctantly leans down to kiss me one more time, whispering, “I love you,” he lifts me up and wipes my tears and turns around and boards the ship. Kara and I stay and watch it pull out of port, and then we turn and go back to my house. Not many words are spoken and we lay around all day dozing and watching TV, melancholy as hell. She leaves the next morning to go back to Tampa, and I endure school. For the best time of my life, this sure does suck. Days pass and I don’t get a phone call. I know they are in port today, and I pray I hear from him. I ask Kara if she has heard from Rick and she assures me she hasn’t, so I feel a little bit better, but I know I shouldn’t take happiness in her sorrow. I am human, though. I have my weaknesses, my strengths, and some days picking which one to nurture is a hell of a choice. We all fall at one point, I just need to learn to pick myself up and move on from the failures.
Chapter 10
Jake
Ultimately love is everything.
M. Scott Peck
The line for using the phone is out the door and wrapped around the building. We got to Panama early this morning, and everybody is vying to use two phones in this building. The ones on the ship aren’t any better, and married guys and the ones with families get first in line. I asked Rick if he talked to Kara to have her call Paisley, but he was in no hurry to get to the phones. I have about four hours in port, and I have stood here for two so far and barely moved. I wonder what she is doing, is she expecting a phone call from me or is she too busy to even realize I am gone? She was acting off the last week, and I want to chalk it up to her having deployment blues, but I think it is more. I feel she is already setting us up for failure. She has been distancing herself from me, and won’t let her head believe what her heart tells her.
The day she gave me her virginity was the best day we had in a long while, and it seemed like we solidified ourselves to each other. We were so in sync and open with our feelings. I don’t know what happened between her leaving and the next day, but since then I haven’t been able to get her out of her funk. If I don’t get to the phone soon, I am liable to go crazy. We may have a few hours tomorrow in port, but I have duty and won’t be leaving the ship for the next twenty-four hours. I need to hear her voice, remind her of my love, and remind her what we have. I can’t force her to accept my love; I learned the hard way not to force commitment, not to keep someone who so obviously doesn’t want to be with you. I will work like hell every moment she allows me in her life to love her and protect her. I love Paisley, and even though it will kill me to walk away and leave her if that is what she wants, I will find the strength to always put her needs first.
All of a sudden there is a huge movement in front of me, and I can see the phones. I don’t know what happened but at least two hundred guys jumped out of line, probably thinking the bar was more important than talking to their loved ones. Truth be told, if I didn’t have Paisley I would have been getting shit-faced a few hours ago. It is my turn, and I dial her number after putting my credit card info in, and on the second ring when she picks up, out of breath, and I hear her sweet voice fill the line, it is almost like hearing her say, “I love you” for the first time all over again.
“Hey, beautiful.”
“Holy shit, Jake. I was so worried I wasn’t going to hear from you.”
“I told you every chance I got, I would call you. I don’t have much time but I wasn’t getting back on the ship without hearing your voice. I miss you so much, Pais.”
“I miss you, too. How long are you in port?”
“Just until tomorrow, and I have duty. We have drills the rest of the time, so unless something changes, this is the only time I can call.” I get nothing. Just silence. I am afraid the line has gone dead. “Paisley, you there?”
“Yes, I am here.” I can tell she is fighting tears. The catch in her voice is a dead giveaway.
“I am sorry. I know this is hard for you, and it isn’t fair.”
“Don’t do that. Don’t take the blame. It is just hard, and I am trying to deal with it. I don’t mean to make you feel bad, but this is hard, Jake. Harder than I thought.”
Oh God, was I going to get the Dear John phone call and not letter? Was she ending it? “Pais, what do you mean? Are you calling it quits? I am going to be honest honey, I don’t know if I can handle that when I am not there to tell you good-bye.” I was on the verge of my temper controlling me and in a foreign country in uniform wasn’t the best time.
“No, God no. I love you; I am just struggling. I am sorry, Jake. I shouldn’t have laid all that on you.”
“It’s fine, beautiful. I want to know what you are thinking and feeling. I want you
to be honest with me and hopefully I can help you with it. Your words just scared me, that’s all. What can I do to make it easier? Tell me and I will do it.”
“Just hearing your voice helps. Would you really do that? Tell me good-bye. You make it sound so simple in your words.”
“It wouldn’t be simple, Paisley. It would kill me. But, yes, I would tell you good-bye if that is what you wanted. I’ve told you over and over, whatever you need comes first. I am all in, baby. I can’t keep you here with me if you don’t want to be, so never doubt I will always put you first.”
“I love you, Jake. I don’t know how I got so lucky, and I am so sorry I worried you. I will make it up to you when you get home.”
“I will hold you to it, beautiful. I hate to cut it short, but I have to get back to the ship and there are so many guys waiting to call home in line behind me. I love you, Paisley.”
Bye, baby. I love you, forever.” I disconnect and replay the word forever in my mind. I do see forever, but we have a long way to go to get there. Namely, a six month deployment.”
The next weeks drag by. We are working our asses off, being punished for a stupid ass mistake one of the officers made. He ordered for the wrong missiles to be shot off, and the ones released were active. Luckily, there were no casualties, but a few injuries and a shit ton of paperwork. The schedule since then has been punishing, and we don’t get more than a few hours of sleep a night. I am on edge, Thanksgiving has passed, and I just want this to be over and see that hazel-eyed beauty and wrap myself up in her. Rick and I had Kara sign the paperwork on the apartment, and she is coming up a few days before we get home to set up as much as she can. She suffered a miscarriage about a week into the deployment, and Rick tried to get emergency leave to go home, but it was denied. He has gotten a few phone calls with her, and he says she is doing okay, spending time with Paisley, so I know she is in good hands. Only forty-eight more hours, and my arms will be around my girl.
Pulling into port, I have a sick feeling in my stomach. I don’t think I am nervous about seeing her, but wondering if things will be different. I hope she shows up to welcome me home, but only talking one time with her admitting how hard it was on her, I have my doubts she will even show up. What she doesn’t understand is this is just as hard on me. Leaving her here, knowing any son of a bitch would give their left nut to have her, they more than likely would be able to share stuff with her I can’t, she could have a normal senior year and not deal with a lot of the shit I bring to the table. ‘God Bless the USA’ by Lee Greenwood starts playing over the PA system, and I eagerly search the women and kids spread out in front of us, searching for her. On the second sweep, I see her. Standing right next to Kara, their hands are clasped, and both girls jumping up and down with grins stretched across their faces. I think we may be okay; we may actually have a shot at this. I berate myself for not ordering flowers for her that we can pick up as we disembark. Next time, I promise myself, next time, she will have a bouquet of flowers like most of those women are getting.
I am silently praying, hoping muster hurries up and we are released so I can get to Paisley. I have tunnel vision, and all I can concentrate on is her. Finally being released, I grab my sea bag and hurry down the steps, and even though I am not quite running, I am walking as fast as I can without drawing attention to myself. I barely make my way through the opening in the fence and she is launching herself at me. I drop my bag and hold her as tight as I physically can without somehow conjoining us. She is peppering kisses all over my face through her tears, and I put her down, grab the sides of her head, and place my lips over hers. Three long weeks has seemed like an eternity, and I have no fucking clue how I am going to survive Christmas, let alone six months without her. Her next words rock my world.
“We got the apartment set up, and I have permission to spend the night. I don’t have to be home all weekend.”
“W-w-what?” I stutter.
“My mom and I had many conversations these last few weeks. She knows you are it for me. She is taking it better than I thought, but we will get to that. Now, take me home.” I gladly comply. She leads me to her Jeep and hands me the keys. Rick started leave as soon as we docked and he and Kara are heading to Tampa. I was surprised they weren’t coming to the apartment first, but I am sure Kara somehow arranged this for Paisley and I. I get in the driver’s seat and when I see her lift up a notebook and grin, I wonder what she has in store for me.
“What is that, Pais? My love notes?” I am teasing her.
“Nope, this is my journal. I am going to fill you in on the moments you think you lost, and then we are spending the next few hours in bed.” She never ceases to amaze me. I find out she was about to flunk out of English, which is her strongest subject, or it was. She tells me about her mom getting her report card and seeing all the absences and the knock down drag out argument that ensued. I feel guilty as hell, because she missed so many days for me.
“What went down with your mom?” I am silently hoping it wasn’t too bad; I don’t want her parents to hate me.
“Well, it wasn’t pretty.”
“Tell me, please.”
“When I got my report card right before Thanksgiving, I just laid it on the counter hoping she would sign it like always and not really pay attention because I have never had issues before. I knew she was going to be mad about my English grade, but it got heated fast.” She glances out the window and sighs.
“Paisley, get in here!” My mom hollered from the kitchen. When I walked in she was holding my report and had circled all kinds of shit in red.
“Um, that isn’t a word search, Mom.”
“Now is not the time to get smart, young lady. How are you about to fail your English class? You have no problem using your words at home. Wait, is it because you never show up for the class?”
“Are you done asking questions so I can answer?”
“Enough with the smart comments. Explain.”
“I reminded her of the conversation we had right before you deployed, everything that was crashing down on me, and the fact that I don’t really fit in at school anymore. They are all worried about the next keg party, and I am worried if you are coming home alive.” She is refusing to look at me.
“Beautiful, what conversation are you talking about? And please, don’t worry about me, I want you to live, Paisley.”
“The day we had sex, I broke down that night driving home,” she pauses. “It wasn’t what we did, I was so happy for that. It was you leaving, me being insecure, Krista and I, Kara not being here . . . everything just piled up and I burst.”
“Paisley, I wish you would have told me. I don’t like knowing you were upset when you left me and didn’t talk to me. If this is going to work, you have to share with me.” I hate that she didn’t come to me. I hate she is feeling insecure or overwhelmed about anything.
“I know, Jake. I had a long talk with my mom and after, we both calmed down. I promise to tell you from now on.”
She picks her notebook back up and begins to recite about the decision they came to, as a family. She is no longer enrolled at her local high school, but at the community college that offers adult education. Essentially, she will get her diploma, not GED, but at her own pace. She gets the lessons, can attend class or not, but has to go in to take tests to move on to next set of lessons. Basically, home school with freedom.
“Is this all because of me?”
“Yes and no, Jake. It works out better for our relationship, and it makes me happy. It was actually my mom who found this program, and it was that or possibly flunking my senior year, and that was not an option.”
“I will say I am shocked. I am happy, but yet don’t want you to make decisions that will alter your future. You have to be sure about this, beautiful.”
“I am, Jake. This is so much better for me. My parents have basically decided, even though I am seventeen, they will treat me more like an adult. Since I don’t have early classes anymore, I don’t have a
n early curfew. I am allowed to spend weekends with you as long as I still respect the rules at their house and check in, we come to dinner every Sunday night, and I am home at midnight every other night.”
“You worked all this out while I was gone?”
“Yes, I did. My mom saw how upset and miserable I was after our phone call. Kara came up and spent the week at the house and that helped. After lots of shouting, tears, and silence she came to the realization of how much I am in love with you and how much I am holding myself back. So, are you happy?”
Pieces of Paisley Page 8