It’s Saturday and I need to get out of the house, forget that I was going to be with him all weekend. I splash some cold water on my face, brush my teeth, put on my bathing suit, and leave the house. I don’t speak to anyone, but my mom sees me and knows where I am heading. I decided not to go to the beach, our beach, that will be too obvious and I need solitude. I drive to Huguenot Park and that is also a mistake. I have a perfect view of Mayport Naval Base and the aircraft carrier that will carry him away from me in a short while. Although, it won’t carry him away from me, because I already lost him. I don’t know when or where, but I just know he isn’t mine anymore. I am going back and forth from being extremely pissed off at him to just plain devastated. He promised me he would always catch me, but he pushed me away. He swore he loved me, and my happiness and our relationship would always be a priority, and I believed him. This is why I don’t do this shit; I don’t like being weak or vulnerable because that is when people can hurt you. I lived with the motto, ‘don’t let them get close enough to hurt you,’ and he annihilated that and my heart in the process.
I stay on my spot of the beach until the sunset is going down. My phone has been on silent, and I decided to check it. A ton of calls and texts from Kara. One from my mom telling me she won’t be home tonight, and my brother in law and sister inviting me to dinner. My mom probably told them what a mess I was and they are taking pity on me. Nothing from him . . . that speaks volumes to me, and I don’t know how much clearer he can get. His words begging me last night were a lie, just like his love for me. I head home blaring ‘Learn My Lesson’ by Daughtry and vowing to not give him the satisfaction of another tear of mine. I am done with Jake Parker Grant and all the misery he brings. My new slogan is ‘I got 99 problems and Jake isn’t one.’
The joke is on me. My non-existent problem is sitting on my front porch holding a few dozen roses and looking like shit. Fuck him; he isn’t going to make me feel bad for him. I take a deep breath, steel my resolve, grab my stuff, and head towards the door. I was planning to walk right past him, not even a look thrown his way, but when he calls my name, “Paisley,” and I can feel the pain vibrating in that word, I forget my plan and look at him. I am almost brought to my knees when I witness the despair in his eyes. He drops his chin down, and I see the watery look in his eyes. His hands are a mess and I know he went on a rampage sometime after I left, but the thing that gets me the most is that he won’t meet my eyes. He has always held me captive with his eyes, but now he won’t meet my gaze.
“Jake, look at me,” I tell him.
When he meets my gaze there is nothing but shame radiating from him. I don’t want to care, I don’t want to cave, but I feel my resolve floating away, leaving me bare to him. The tear that falls from his eye is my undoing. I take a step towards him, and he drops every flower he is holding and lunges for me. Burying his face in my neck, mumbling over and over how sorry he is, I want to forgive him. I have to know the cause of this first. “We have to talk,” I whisper to him and my hands found their way to his head and I am cradling him to me.
“In a minute, right now I need to hold you, feel you in my arms. God, I am so sorry, beautiful. Please, don’t leave me. I can’t survive without you.” That is almost my undoing, but I don’t respond. I have to know what is going on in his head, and I fear the worst, so I won’t make promises I can’t keep. I hate when it is done to me so I won’t do that to him. Minutes pass by, and when he isn’t releasing me, I pull away. I quiet his protest with a quick peck and unlock the door and hold it open for him to follow me in.
“Let me jump in the shower, and then we talk.” I mean it. I need answers. He nods his head and goes into the living room to sit down. He looks broken down, weary, and that isn’t my Jake. My confident, cocky, control freak man is hurting, and I will reach him. He has to tell me what is so bad that he is willing to end us. I rush through my shower, eager to be near him again, but at the same time dreading what this could mean. My typical thought is ‘he cheated on me’ but that isn’t in his nature. He showed me every step of the way in our relationship what kind of man he was, and proved he is loyal, caring, selfless . . . then he went home and came back a changed man. Whatever is wrong, it has rocked him to his core, and I hope I will be enough to fix it.
Quickly putting on shorts and a tank top I don’t even bother brushing my hair, as I make my way into the living room I nearly turn around. The sight in front of me is beautiful, but heartbreaking. My man is staring off at the wall, not focusing on anything, and he looks so alone, so broken. He is praying, and it stops be dead in my tracks. I want to be his absolution, chase away what is haunting him and that gives me the strength to walk in the room and call out to him. His head bends down slightly; I don’t know if he is finishing up his prayer or ashamed for getting caught. “Jake, talk to me. What is going on?”
He straightens, meets my gaze and doesn’t say anything for a few minutes. He opens his mouth several times to start, but no words are coming out, and that scares me. Whatever it is he is afraid to tell me, and my anxiety is in overdrive. Finally, “I’m scared.” Those two words remind me he is human.
“We all get scared sometimes. What are you scared of, babe?” I hope my term of endearment will relax him. Let him open up and then we can fix this together.
“Of losing you.” Why does he think the way he was acting was the way to keep me? At every turn he was punishing me, pushing me away for a crime I had yet to commit.
“I don’t understand. You have done nothing but create this break in us since you got back. What happened at home?” I need him to be honest. I need him to want to fix this.
His silence is grating on my nerves. “Nothing, Pais. I thought about a lot of things when I was home, and the foremost thought was you. Our future, and what it would look like. I had just gotten back from three weeks without you, and it made me wonder what the hell six months was going to be like. I freaked a bit. I have never felt like this, and I know I never will again. No matter what, you are it for me. I know I have been handling it the wrong way, but I didn’t want you to doubt us. If I was having fears and doubts about being away from you, how did I expect you to react? I am the one who is supposed to hold us together, be the strong one. I failed you, and I failed us. For that I am sorry. It’s stupid, but I see and hear so much about wives, fiancés and girlfriends cheating while we are away on deployment, and that fucked with my head. I don’t doubt you and your commitment, but I am afraid of the temptation you will endure while I am gone. I won’t be here to hug you when you need it, you won’t be falling asleep in my arms and when your sadness and fears overtake you, and I won’t be there to chase those away. What happens if you miss them so badly, you fall for someone who is here, not overseas?”
Oh my poor Jake. The doubts and insecurities he has been dealing with all alone. I know he feels weak and silly for these thoughts, but he needs to hear the truth from me. “Jake, as long as I live, I don’t think I will ever feel what I feel for you. You are the one who calms my fears, awakens my body, makes me smile and makes me cry. You make me feel every emotion there is; yet most of all you are my home; my security, my light in the dark, my sunshine in the rain. When you came in my life, and crashed through all my carefully erected walls, brick by brick you tore them down and cemented your place in my heart. I am sorry you feel like there will be temptation, but baby, you can’t be tempted when you have everything you ever wanted, the best man on the planet. That is what I have, and I can honestly say, nobody could tempt me away from you. I won’t say it is going to be easy, it won’t. There will be days I am sure I want to say ‘fuck it,’ but I won’t because at the end of those six months, and for the rest of my life, I plan to have you and that is the best reward I could ever receive. You have pushed me away for the past three months because you didn’t want to talk to me, and that is what will fail us. Not doubts and fears, but lack of communication. You once begged me to be all in, complete honesty, now I am asking the same of you. We
have six weeks left, and I want them to be the best we can make them. If we keep living in the fear of what the future holds, we won’t enjoy the present we have. The memories we create that will keep us going the next six months will be tarnished and missed because we are constantly waiting on the other shoe to drop, and I can’t do that. It isn’t fair to either of us and what could be.” I don’t know half of what I just said, but that is what happens when you stop letting your head guide you and open your heart. The feelings, the words, they all flow out, and I hope they create a soft nest that will warm his heart and keep it safe.
“Oh, God. I am so sorry beautiful. I have been an idiot. Please, please forgive me Paisley. Help me create memories for a lifetime. I love you so much.” Most of his tension has eased but he is still carrying something.
“I love you, too. But I can’t keep going like we were. Are you okay? Are your doubts erased?”
“I will never doubt you again.”
“Jake, it isn’t me you don’t need to doubt, it is us. You need to have faith in us.”
“I promise, I want there to be an us, forever. You own me, Pais. Heart and soul, you have me.”
“Then get over here and show me,” I taunt him. Everything is not a hundred percent, and I am sure there will be moments where we have to revisit the assurances we both gave each other, but once I am in his arms, doubts, fears, wondering . . . it all fades away. The few hours I had without him in my life were painful, and I know I would rather endure all of our obstacles together, than walk through this life apart.
Chapter 16
Jake
Today I begin to understand what love must be, if it exists... When we are parted, we each feel the lack of the other half of ourselves. We are incomplete like a book in two volumes of which the first has been lost. That is what I imagine love to be: incompleteness in absence.
Edmond de Goncourt
I was a coward, I had every opportunity to explain the turmoil I was in, to be completely honest with her, and I failed. I came to her house to be open and tell her what was going on, but seeing her face, thinking of what the truth could possibly do to us, I chickened out. I was somewhat honest with her; I do worry about the temptation that will surround her. She could find someone who is more suited for her, who is able to be here for her every day and not make her crazy. I know she won’t, though, that is not how Paisley is wired. The end result was her in my arms, and a renewed vow to myself to quit being a dick. I almost lost her over my actions, not my lies, and that has to stop. I am so worried about her reaction to my situation I am causing worse damage with my demeanor. It was a wake-up call and just what I needed to forget it. Out of sight, out of mind . . . and when she is in my arms, the center of my life, nothing else matters. In between kisses I am trying to talk her into packing a bag and coming back to the apartment. I am dying to be inside of her, to show her what she means to me.
“Can’t wait that long,” she moans in my mouth. I am not going to fuck her in her parent’s home when they could walk in at any time.
“Pais, we have to stop. Your mom could come home.” She is refusing to relent on her pursuit of my dick.
“She is out for the night.” She stands up, getting off my lap, and I sigh at the reprieve, except my breath gets caught in my throat as she strips off her clothes, almost at a frantic pace. “You are over dressed,” she points out the obvious. This is wrong on so many levels, but she is standing here, naked and turned on. I hastily remove my clothes, and she climbs back on me.
With no build up, no teasing, no slow and easy she impales herself on my cock, and I have never felt anything so blissful in my life. She raises off, almost allowing me to slip out then squeezes her muscles and glides back down me, and I am about to lose it. Goddamn Cosmo! That magazine is going to unman me, and I make a mental note to cancel her subscription for the next six months.
“Beautiful,” I croak out, “you have to stop doing that thing with your pussy. I am about to come right now. You are killing me.” She leans down and bites my earlobe.
“Babe, I could go anytime, you give me the word,” and with that she speeds up her movements, torturing me with pleasure. I lean forward and bite her nipple as my fingers find her clit and I pinch lightly. That has her free falling into an orgasm that nearly chokes the life out of my dick. Her muscles are contracting so hard around me that I think she may bruise my dick. I grab her hips and shift slightly and thrust into her a few more times before I find my own release.
Trying to catch our breaths, panting into each other’s neck, I tell her, “So much for slow and sweet. I planned on showing you exactly what you mean to me.”
“We have all night for slow and sweet, but there is something to be said about what we just did.”
“We fucked Paisley. Carnal, animal-like, passionate fucking.”
“Well that is at the top of my list.” She giggles in my neck and we lay there a few more minutes. Eventually she climbs off me and goes to get her stuff together. She is coming back home with me, and I won’t let her out of my arms until I leave for duty on Monday morning. I have so much to make up for, and I am not taking another moment for granted.
Once we get to the apartment, I show her slow and sweet and she shows me her swallowing capabilities. I think the subscription to Cosmo is now renewed. Cuddled together she says, “Oh I almost forgot. I got a job offer, and I think I will work out perfectly.”
“I didn’t know you were looking for a job. You are finishing up your diploma early and you said you wanted to start college courses. How are you going to work with that?”
“I wasn’t looking for a job. My mom’s friend has a younger sister with three boys and she needs a babysitter during the day. They are terrors, but the money is good. Under the table, tax-free, probably illegal, but it is six hundred a week and the hours are eight until five. Anything extra is more money. I looked into some classes, and I can take night classes. It will be time consuming and draining, but you won’t be here, and that is perfect for me. I can go to work in my pajamas, study while the kids nap, and still attend at least three classes.” Holy shit that is perfect. She is making great money, she isn’t going to be in the mall with creeps that can check her out and want to pick her up, and she will be too damn tired and busy to go out and do shit at night. I feel like a selfish prick for being happy, but I will deal with that title.
“Sounds perfect. See I am feeling better about things already.”
“I know, it is all coming together. I am going to be able to save so much money, plus I already talked to her about needing off when you get home from deployment. She was fine with it, actually a bit excited for me.” I will never understand people’s fascination and romanticizing of the military life and relationships. It is hard. All relationships take work, but being a military spouse or girlfriend takes on a new meaning of dedication. Those girls should be the ones getting the medals. They are single parents, fiercely independent, yet giving credit to their spouses and relenting control when they come home.
Before I know it, our time is coming to an end. My mom and Brian are flying in today and will stay for two days until I ship out. I am so proud of Paisley for not pulling away and turning into herself. She has remained present, getting emotional but never hiding it. I know it will be hell, and this is new to us. I don’t know how seasoned veterans do it. This will be my second six-month deployment and my last. When I get home I will have about thirteen months left and then I am getting out. I signed on for four years, with no desire to make a career out of it. I admire those who do, but I have other plans and dreams.
I made sure to remind my mom to keep her mouth shut about Laura, and while she thinks I am making a mistake, she promised she would. What I didn’t realize is I had made the mistake, not making sure I was alone, Paisley asked, “Who is Laura?” I was fucked. I could not drop this on her three days before I deploy.
“Oh, some girl I knew and according to my mom she has been calling the house, getting a bit s
talkeri-sh and I didn’t want to worry you.” I feel like shit comparing my daughter to a stalker, but I feel even worse when Paisley buys yet another lie I have told her. I promise myself when I get back I will tell her.
The night before we leave is here. Kara has turned up pregnant and hopefully this time all will end well, but she is going to stay in Tampa again so they can save money, so she and Paisley won’t be sharing the apartment. We got everything moved out, put in storage, and I packed up some stuff to send back home with my mom. Paisley and I got a hotel room in the same place my mom and Brian are staying, and we are all going out to dinner. Paisley is being a trooper, laughing and joking and has charmed my mom into falling in love with her. Brian is wrapped around her finger and our parents get along perfectly. At one point, I look at her and she gives me her best pout, it is like I have been sucker-punched in the gut, I will miss that face. Reaching out I trace her features with my index finger, committing the feel of her skin to my memory.
When we pull up to the hotel, I leave my truck running and tell her to meet me in the front. I watch her make her way to stand in front of my truck, and my headlights illuminate her. I find what song I want, and meet her. I take her hands and pull her to me as ‘I Cross My Heart’ by George Strait begins playing. It is from her favorite movie Pure Country and she is always watching it. Right now, I feel like we are the only two people in the world, I know my parents are watching us, and I am sure my mom is blubbering, but my heart is in perfect sync with Paisley’s, beating as one and our eyes are locked on one another. I am not sure if we are even blinking. This is my good-bye to her. I had begged her not to come see my off tomorrow, but she won that argument. I want this moment right now, no tears, and no impending doom, just us. The song ends and I tell her, “This is the last time I will dance with you to this song, until you are my wife.”
Pieces of Paisley Page 13