I deflect; I put the blame on everyone else but me. “He made decisions and choices that cut me out of my own future. He lied, by omission, and then when I decided to end it, he didn’t come after me. He got married on our wedding day, and he moved on. Now that I am doing the same thing, why is it wrong for me?”
“I am not saying it is wrong to move on, but it is the way you are doing it. If you have the chance, even if it is for only a moment, to grab on to a love so powerful it makes you less of a person, it can break you, then I say you do and don’t let go until there is not a choice. ‘Til death do you part.” He gathers himself, “That is the only way the bonds break . . . death. Even then they linger, they still tie you in knots but give you a little wiggle room.”
I haven’t gotten that conversation out of my head or my heart in four weeks. I find myself dissecting every word, every meaning it could have and I keep coming back to the same thing. It is said you only have one soul mate, one true love in life. I am not sure I believe that anymore. Things happen out of our control . . . and I don’t believe for a second God would want you to live the rest of your life alone. This whole time I have thought I was being cheated living without Jake, and I have been. But now I think maybe Wayne is being cheated, too. He could find another Angela, but I can’t be that for him because I haven’t truly lost my soul mate. I just let him go. I never figured that out, never took the time to really have that breakthrough. Until today.
“Bad news, Paisley.” Wayne says from the door of my office.
“Uh-oh, what catastrophe did we make in the seating arrangements,” I tease him.
“Not wedding related. James was in a severe car accident last night. He is out of commission for a few weeks.”
“Oh, gosh. Is he okay?” I am trying to run through all his tasks and play a juggling game in my mind to see what I can rearrange and help with the slack.
“He will be. He has some broken bones, but will be fine. He can’t travel.” Okay, that is good news.
“Where is he scheduled to go, and is it something I can handle, or can we push it back?”
“Paisley, his meeting at Leavenworth Federal Prison is in two days. He was flying out tomorrow morning. It can’t be pushed back.” The words hang between us.
The words tumble out, “I will go.” And the silent, tense stare begins. I see every emotion flicker in his eyes. He is worried, doubtful I will be able to handle it, but never once is there a loss of love, the despair and hurt you feel in that moment.
“I was waiting for that. I also know who lives there, Pais. I won’t tell you not to see him, not to fall back in love with him. I will just remind you of the commitment you made to me and what I told you before. Make sure you are ready to be mine forever before you walk down the aisle to me. This sucks, and I am scared shitless you won’t come back to me, but I have always known you aren’t really mine.”
I hate to see him even slightly worried. “Stop it, Wayne. You are acting like I have made a decision to alter our future, and I haven’t even stepped foot on the plane. Quit pretending like you know what I will do. I don’t even know what I will do. We won’t ever really be each other’s person, but what we have is good, and I would be a fool to throw it away.”
“You would never throw away our friendship and mutual respect for each other. I will be here either way, and I won’t lie to you. I would be disappointed to have made it this far and have it shit the bed, but I don’t want that pressure on you.” I don’t know what to do to reassure him because I am just as confused as him. “Your flight leaves at six tomorrow morning.” He leaves the office and doesn’t look back. I wrap up the pending things I have on my desk and head home to pack.
I keep telling myself that this is just a normal business trip, and I don’t need to pack my sexiest lingerie, but they somehow end up in my suitcase. I get some wine to calm my nerves, and yet they are trampling on my stomach and rising up in my chest. I finish packing and make a decision that could alter the course of everyone’s future. I find what I need with a quick computer search, dial the number, and hear a voice that I haven’t heard in almost five years.
“Rose, it is Paisley. Paisley Hull.” Why did I just introduce myself like I am at a meet and greet.
“Holy shit, baby girl. I never thought I would hear your voice again. Where are you? Canada?” She is firing off questions quicker than I can answer, but the underlying question is why are you calling? And to that I have no answer.
“Rose, I am in Florida. How did you know about Canada?”
“Facebook, honey.” Well she should know I am back home, and I quickly pull up my phone and search.
“You un-friended me?” Why do I even care? Oh my God, I have totally lost all dignity and train of thought.
She is laughing at me, “Long story. Why now? Why are you calling? Is everything okay?”
I take a deep breath, “I am going to be in town for a few days. Some meetings at the prison. I was wondering if you had time for dinner.” I am met with silence, so I clarify, “Just you and me.” I hope I have made my point.
“I have prayed for this day. You have always been my daughter. I understand, Paisley. I may lose my son if he finds out that I am keeping this from him, but I need to see you. I just want to feel you in my arms, and make sure you are okay.”
“I am okay. I have always been just okay. I don’t want to cause issues with you and Jake, but I don’t know if I want to see him.”
“I won’t push, but I wish you would. I feel like my dreams are coming true,” I can hear the catch in her voice. I hate to shatter her dreams, but this is more for closure for me.
“I am engaged, Rose. The wedding is in six weeks.” I have to give her honesty.
“I understand.” I am glad she does, because I sure as hell don’t right now. We finalize our plans for dinner, and it works out that it is the night before I leave. I finish packing and sit on the couch to wait for Wayne to come home. I wait all night because he never comes home, and I realize that by volunteering to go face my past, I have just put my future in jeopardy.
Chapter 37
Jake
Blessed are the hearts that can bend; they shall never be broken.
Albert Camus
I just left a meeting with the new architect that is doing the plans for the expansion on the prison medical ward and will eventually do the plans at the VA for me. I am grateful for the use of the prison facilities until we have ours, but this new MRI machine they are pushing for is going to be a bitch. I don’t know how we will manage to run it with our wiring set-up. We aren’t doing a new wing like the prison is, so I need to look at the specs and figure out if we can even implement something like that in our existing wing. I decide to take a quick detour and head by the engineering office here and see if they have any information I can start looking at and seeing if it can be implemented.
I feel like I just walked into a frat house, “Did you see her rack?”
“Her tits were all right, but that ass. Matched with those legs that I want wrapped around my back.” Who the hell were they talking about, and I am slightly disappointed I missed the attraction.
“What the hell did I miss?” I ask the group.
Joe, the chief engineer answers, “The rep for the MRI Company. Holy shit man she is every man’s wet dream, and maybe their happily ever after wrapped into one.” I turn my head and check the hall before I close the door.
“Where did she go?” I would like to see who could turn dirty ass Joe into a rambling, love-sick lunatic.
“She just left. Man, I think I may be in love.”
I shake my head and laugh at him, “Did she leave any information on that new fancy machine.”
“Fuck, I totally forgot to get the specs for you. We are starting from scratch, so we will work directly with their people. Hang on I think I left her card in the break room, let me go see if I can reach her.” He pushes away from his desk and heads down the hallway.
“Jake, tellin
g you man, this chick had it going on.”
“I think I got that already. I am sorry I missed her.”
“She ain’t local either, flew in yesterday, and I hate to capitalize on another man’s injuries, but sure am glad the original dude was in an accident, and she was the fill-in.”
“Tripp, that isn’t cool.” She must have been something. After Maura, I am being extremely picky about where I dip my wick so an out-of-towner may be perfect. “When is she leaving?”
“Tomorrow I think. She finished up all the meetings today and we had an early afternoon one scheduled tomorrow, but it got cancelled because we finalized everything.” Damn, my luck. “Her voice too, Jake. I could only imagine it raspy and screaming my name.”
“You all need to get laid,” I tell them. They are starting to sound like a soft-porn movie in here.
Joe comes in, “Jake, she has a dinner meeting tonight but said she could drop them off to us afterwards. She doesn’t expect to be long. I suggested she meet us at Church and maybe we can talk her into a drink. She said she would be there around nine. That work for you or you want me to get them to you tomorrow?” I normally don’t go out that much, and Church was the local bar, and I haven’t been in a while. Besides, my mom cancelled dinner on me a few days ago, so I am available. Plus, my curiosity is peaked, and I want to see this girl they are drooling over.
“Sure, sounds good. Let me go home and change, we can meet about eight.” With affirmative nods from everyone I head out. I have enough time to run home and shower and change, take Laura for ice cream then head out with the guys. It has been a while since I have had beers with the guys, and maybe we will shoot a few games of pool. I have pretty much stopped playing since Florida. It was one more memory tainted by Paisley, as I taught her how to play, which led to a marathon sex session because every time she bent over the table I wanted to take her up against it.
I call my mom to make sure she isn’t expecting me even though she cancelled on me, “Hey Mom, just making sure we really weren’t on for dinner. I agreed to meet Joe and the rest of the department for drinks and didn’t want to stand you up. We have this new project we are working on and there is a rep in from out of town that is going to bring some information I need.”
“Nope, Jake. I have plans. Got to go, talk tomorrow.” That was the shortest and oddest conversation I have ever had with that woman.
Dropping Laura off after ice cream and getting sticky chocolate kisses, I realize for the first time in a long time I am actually excited about going out this evening. Mystery girl with the amazing tits, ass, legs and voice have nothing to do with it. Between my new home, Laura, and work my life is on a positive climb upwards and I need to get off my ass and make it continue. I just have that last piece of my heart to take back from Paisley, and hopefully with time I can reclaim it.
Chapter 38
Paisley
Love is never lost. If not reciprocated, it will flow back and soften and purify the heart.
Washington Irving
I hadn’t talked to Wayne in two days, and I was extremely nervous to see Rose after all this time. The contract with the prison was signed, but I needed to drop of the specs to the head engineer tonight once dinner was over. Joe had said the chief engineer from the VA wanted them so he could make sure they could implement the machine. I may score a new contract without a lot of legwork, and that is fabulous. I glance down to my engagement ring and the weight on my finger is becoming obtrusive, almost like a lead pipe sitting on me. I want to slip it off, but I have already told Rose I am engaged and I have no idea why that feeling is coming over me.
I walk in and spot her immediately. She hasn’t changed at all, and when she sees me, her hand flies to her mouth, and the tears start streaming down her cheeks. She was always so sensitive, but I knew she loved me. I cut her out of my life in order to allow myself to heal, and I haven’t done that. I just feel like a selfish bitch for causing the mass destruction of pain in my wake.
She stands up and stares at me as I walk towards her, as soon as I am within reach her arms encircle me and she pulls me to her the rest of the way. This feels so natural, so right and instead of my anxiety decreasing it shoots up a few notches. What can I say to her to make it okay? What do we have to talk about? This is my past coming back to slap me in the face and give me a wakeup call. I acted like I was the only one wronged in this situation and I did so much of the damage myself. I have never allowed myself to admit that but being in her arms, feeling the security of her love brings me to some huge revelations. Before the moment gets too deep, she pulls apart and ushers me to my chair.
“What are you doing here?” I explain in depth my job, and the responsibilities and the last minute change in plans that brought me here. “Almost like fate,” she barely whispers.
I give her a questioning glance, and she points to my ring. “It hasn’t happened yet, maybe this is the divine intervention you need.” I immediately shake my head no.
“Wayne is a good guy. He has suffered a loss in his life I couldn’t understand. He is my best friend and sometimes understands me better than myself.” I want to reassure her I am making the right decision, and there is nothing to change my mind.
“Sometimes the best ones are the people who make you question yourself, not figure yourself out. You need to feel out of control everyone once in a while, but the same person to drive you to the edge of your seat has to be there it reel you in. Do you have that, Paisley?”
“No, he is safe. He is my future. I have made a shit ton of mistakes, Rose. I was spiraling downhill fast. I went through relationships like they had an expiration date on them. I am finally settled, and in all honesty I don’t know why I am here.”
“That is something only you can figure out. I will tell you that you can’t go through life without regrets. We all have them. We all have doubts, fears, mistakes and joys. The regrets you have in life can change you. If you keep making the same mistakes, you will only learn to live with that regret, not let it go. Why haven’t you married any of the other people?” She is blunt and to the point.
“I don’t know. I didn’t love them. They were lacking the security I crave, I guess.”
“The same security you ran from?”
“It was different with Jake. It wasn’t just security he gave me; he made me feel out of control. We had a lot of issues, Rose.”
“I agree, but he offered you the best thing in life. Security with everlasting love. I promise you, he still loves you, Paisley. I don’t think he will ever stop.”
I finally admit the words out loud, “I love him, too. But you know that saying, love isn’t enough. That is how I feel. I don’t know how to explain it. The out of control emotions he brings out in me, the pain and depression I went through. I never want to go through that again.”
“Do me a favor? Take that ring off for the remainder of dinner, listen to me and then make a decision for yourself, and only for yourself. Don’t take my feelings, your fiancé’s feelings, or even Jake’s into consideration. For once, turn off that head and go with your heart.” I feel like I am betraying Wayne when I remove the ring, but I want to hear what she has to say. She gives me the words of wisdom that only a mother can, one my own mother spares me. I know my mom loves me, she just doesn’t know how to deal with me, I don’t rely on her solely and she is used to being needed, and it feels like a slap in the face to her. In turn, it feels like she is abandoning me in my milestones, and I am craving some insight from Rose. I put the ring in my purse and meet her eyes.
“I think I am ready.”
“Honey, you are never ready for life, it is just something that grabs a hold of you and takes you on a ride you will never escape. Dark places, light places, and every shade in between.” We both laugh and quickly give our order to the waiter.
“Paisley, I am speaking as a mom, one you could have used. Know that I am totally biased because I love my son more than anything, but I also love you. Love, the real love t
hat is once in a lifetime, is bumpy. You have the highest of highs and the lowest of lows while you find your place with each other. You have hurt and enjoyment. When you get past the pivotal moments in life, all the growing pains, you have an enduring friendship and passion that will sustain you for the rest of your life. You have that love and memories to enjoy with each other, you survived what life through at you. Sometimes on the same side of the fence and sometimes at opposing sides, but always by each other’s sides. It can be scary as hell, gut wrenching, and make you question your sanity . . . but God what a feeling it gives you.” She pauses to smile at me. “That is what you and Jake were. What you could still be. The way you are planning to live the rest of your life is what I call ‘smooth-sailing’ and I will tell you love is not void of a bumpy road. Sure, you may never know the out of control feelings and be in your neat manicured lawn of life, but are you really living? I never thought you and Jake would be apart this long. I never expected my son to be an idiot and marry someone right away. He made his mistakes and is certainly not innocent, but then are we ever? All of us make choices and decisions that are spur of the moment, not thought out and those repercussions are a risk you have to take. Both of you have suffered enough. It is time for you to fix it . . . either set him free while you are here or go back to him. Your decision is your own, and I won’t question it, but make sure it is based on your feelings and not anyone else’s.”
Pieces of Paisley Page 25