by Nicole Thorn
I blinked. “At least the ones I’m in now are fresh.” I changed into them before bed. The old bed.
My brother was petting my arm, and it took me a second to notice. I smiled at him. “What are you doing, Welly?” The name came out before I knew what I was saying, but he responded with a matching smile.
“Your arm is very soft,” he said. “Why don’t you have any hair?”
My fingers curled into my palm. I couldn’t tell him the truth. It was part of the routine. It was once a week up until recently. When we first got to The Dollhouse, we were bathed and shaved every morning. Then when we got older, and it became more of a hassle, we were waxed head to toe about once a month, I think. He tweezed our eyebrows until they were at his standard of perfection. A while ago, he came back with something that was supposed to make the hair not come back. Some laser thing. He did that until it worked. I wasn’t sure if it would really never come back, but I couldn’t remember the last time we needed a full grooming. I was grateful for that.
I shrugged the question off. “Don’t know.”
Mom was quiet on the walk up to her room. Her scent hit me when the door opened, and I saw a cat sleeping on her bed. He yawned at me, and I went to greet him. He was very nice about letting me pet his belly.
“So I have a shirt for you and shorts that can fit with a belt,” Mom said, turning with the things in her hand. She seemed to like seeing me play with Abraham. “Do you like him?”
“Sure,” I said, halfheartedly.
She became thoughtful, cocking her head to the side. “Maybe we should let you pick out a pet. I can talk to your dad. We can go to the pet store, and you can pick out whatever you want.”
I nodded because I didn’t know what to say.
Welly was on the floor with his Legos. “Mommy.” He looked up. “Can Jude come over soon? I wanna show him the boat I made.”
Mom looked to me before she looked back to Welly. “Um, maybe in a few days. Your sister just got home.”
Excitement made his eyes light up. “He can meet her! We can all play in the backyard and climb the tree.”
Mom smiled carefully. “We’ll see.”
Mom handed me clothes, and I went off to the bathroom to change. The shorts were far too big, but that was due to my slender frame. Mom made a comment when I came out, saying if I kept eating, then I could fill out like I should.
The clothes were all baggy, but they would be fine for now. I picked up my brother after I got the police sweater back on, and then we left.
“…And we play on the swings and then we jump at the same time,” Welly said as we drove.
I sat in the back so I could talk to him. He was telling me about one of the friends, one he’d known his entire life. The boy he wanted to come over.
“He can jump really high, and he always finds the best rocks.”
I laughed. “He sounds very nice.”
“He is,” Mom said over her shoulder while she switched lanes. “Poor boy lost his mother when he was an infant. I babysit him when his family needs it. Maxwell was so excited when he found out his friend from class lived next door.”
“Oh, that’s nice.” I leaned forward. “I don’t mind if you wanna let him come over. I think it would be better if the house wasn’t quiet.”
“Maybe in a few days,” she repeated. Then she sighed. “I’m sorry your father couldn’t come with us. He would have closed the store, but they’re doing construction. He had to check in on it, but he’ll be home in a couple hours at the latest.”
“I don’t mind,” I said. “I think I’ve already upheaved your lives enough.”
“Riley… don’t ever think that. I cannot express to you how happy we are that you’re home. We can finally be a family again.”
I sat back in my seat, unsure of what to say to her. I looked out the window instead. It was rainy, and the clouds were dark. Raindrops hit the window, and it was oddly fascinating. I wanted to roll down the window and feel them fall on my skin. I wanted to close my eyes and breathe in the fresh air, but I was stuck in the car.
When we got to the store, it was right next to three fast food places, one of which was inside of the store. A chain store, I assumed. It didn’t matter, because it was bliss when I stepped outside. After I got Welly out of the car, I held his hand, feeling every drop of rain that fell on my head. My hair was already a mess, but I didn’t care.
“Hurry,” Mom called out from under the dry place by the entrance. “You’ll get all wet!”
I grabbed Welly’s hand. “Wanna run?”
He nodded, and we went. I shuffled in the too-big shoes I borrowed from my mother. I still loved running. We got into the store safely, and Mom grabbed a cart. She put my brother in it, and I followed next to them.
“Shoes first,” she decided.
We got to the shoe section, and I sat down on one of those benches with mirrors on the sides. Welly sat beside me, and he distracted me from the high heels on display. He taught me a clapping game while Mom gathered up some shoes for me.
“Okay,” Mom sighed as she kneeled. “Which do you like?”
I looked over the choices, and they were all just shoes to me. They varied in color, and I liked the gray ones the best. They were Chuck Taylors, according to the box. I tried them on, and they were comfortable, so in the cart they went.
On the way to look at clothes, we passed the book section. I got very distracted, but my mother let me look around. I touched familiar covers and flipped through the pages.
“Do you want that book?” Mom asked from the end of the aisle. “You can get whatever you want.”
I answered by picking up a few and cradling them to my chest. All the books in my room were for children, nothing that could bring me entertainment. I could read these and enjoy them for hours. Reading time was almost relaxing. He liked the classics. He would read them out loud to all four of us.
Clothes were next. I picked out all kinds of things: shirts, jeans, shorts, a dress or two. Mom threw in some sweaters, warning me that it would be very cold soon. I believed her. Welly picked out a Batman shirt for me, and Mom agreed to get it.
I thought we’d turn to the exit, but we took a sharp left instead. We ended up in the electronics section, and I stared at a bunch of things that baffled me.
“Excuse me,” Mom said to the boy behind the counter. He was tall and looked like he didn’t want to be there. Mom pointed to the glass. “I need that, please.”
The boy unlocked the glass and pulled out a box that was the size of my hand. She placed the phone in the cart, and we went to the food section.
She let me pick out anything I wanted, and it ended up mostly being junk food. She let me, since she wanted me to gain some weight. I picked out cookies, chips, soda, and some snack cakes. I had to pick real food too, so I added some ingredients for sandwiches.
When we got home, we all brought everything into the house, and Welly helped me bring my clothes upstairs and to my room. I set the phone my mom got me on my dresser. I didn’t know what to do with it, so I’d worry about it later.
“I like the Superman jammies the best,” Welly said as he dropped the bags on my floor, sliding with them.
I smiled and crossed my arms. “Me too. I’ll wear them tonight.”
From the floor, his arms went in the air. “We’ll match!”
It was delightful he was so excited about that. So little, and it meant so much to him. I had a short flash of grief that I’d missed out on the entirety of his life. I wished I could have held him as a baby, watched him grow up. But that was stolen from me.
We put all of my clothes out in front of the dresser, and I put my books up to be taken care of later.
Dad came in, knocking before he opened the door. Welly ran up to greet him with a hug and was promptly sent back downstairs to help Mom with lunch.
Then I was standing, facing my father, and I didn’t know what to say.
“Was your trip fun?” he asked awkwardly.
>
I nodded. “We got everything I needed. I think I’m all set for a while.”
“That’s good.”
We stood there, and I waited for him to say something else. Nothing came, and I felt every bit of tension between us. The change since we’d last seen each other. I used to be his little girl, and now, I was just a ghost in a shell.
spent the next couple days getting my room set up the way I wanted it. Mom left boxes in my room, and she helped me pack up all the clothes that used to be mine. There were a few things she wanted to keep, same with the books. Those boxes went in the basement, but everything else was donated, and it felt like weight off of my shoulders.
I put my new clothes away along with my books. I liked how everything looked. Right up until I tried to go to bed.
I threw my blankets off of me in the middle of the night and rearranged everything in my room. The bed was all that remained, and that was only because I couldn’t move it. I moved the bookshelf to the corner of my room, and the dresser was across from my bed and under the new, giant TV I hadn’t even turned on yet. There was also a couch, and that was very hard to move. It went to the right of my window in the little square of empty space beside my bed. I could only sleep once everything was settled.
I dreamt of the night we escaped. I felt the knife in my hands again, fingers slipping and my flesh being sliced open with the man under me. I saw him die over and over again before I woke with a jolt.
With a deep breath, I shook it off. I looked at my hands, and the cuts were still healing. They only hurt when I touched them now. At least they wouldn’t scar.
Before the sun was up, I got into the shower. Everything I had was peach scented, and it was quite pleasant. I liked standing in the hot shower, smelling the soap I used. Fruit smelled like life, and it almost made me feel like one of the living.
I brushed out my long hair, trying not to think about how he normally did it for me. I didn’t like having all this hair, and feeling it on my back all day was like a little reminder of how this length wasn’t my choice.
The phone was ringing when I went into the kitchen, and Mom quietly scolded someone on the other end. I didn’t ask who it was. Instead, I poured a bowl of cereal for Welly and sat with him, picking at a bowl of fruit. My clothes were already fitting just a little better, since I’d been stuffing my face. The shorts I was in were a little loose, and I swam in the shirt, but I was on my way. There were little buttons on the tank top, but I kept them undone. The thin black thing that went over the gray was also nice. It wasn’t quite a sweater, but it wasn’t a shirt. I didn’t know what to call it.
Mom hung up, looking very irritated, but she wouldn’t tell us who she was talking to. She relaxed when she saw me. “Oh, morning. Really quick.” She pointed to me. “Have you thought more about the pet you want? ‘Cuz Daddy and I wanted to take you out on Saturday to pick one out.”
I shrugged. “I haven’t really thought about it.”
“Anything?” She frowned. “A kitten, puppy, turtle…”
“I’ll let you know.”
Dad had already left to check on the store, and that left the three of us. Mom said I had a surprise for lunch, but she wouldn’t tell me what it was. She seemed excited and worried at the same time.
“Are you ready for school?” Mom asked when Welly hopped onto the floor and started dancing, pretending to shoot at dinosaurs only he could see.
“I’m gonna get candy today!” he declared with open arms. “It’s Lyle’s birthday.”
“Sounds great,” Mom placated him, taking his hand and speaking lower. “Let’s go before you’re late.”
We all went together, because Mom didn’t want to leave me in the house alone. That was probably a good idea since I wasn’t sure how I would fair. It wasn’t worth the risk.
Welly hugged me goodbye before he took off to see his classmates, and then Mom and I started our day together. It mostly consisted of me helping her clean and her subtly trying to get information out of me. I still couldn’t talk about it. There wasn’t a moment that went by where I didn’t think about the death on my hands.
I vacuumed the living room while my mother took another phone call. The doorbell even rang twice, but she wouldn’t let me see who it was. She just went outside for a few minutes and came back inside, angry. Must have been an annoying person.
When the clock hit eleven, I was back in the car. We drove for fifteen minutes before getting to a place that advertised burgers and fries in the window. Mom brought me inside, and my heart started pounding.
“Layla,” I squealed, running to her.
She smiled, wrapping her arms around my middle.
Her mother was in a corner booth, and mine joined her without a word. They both got up and moved to the counter while I sat with Layla.
“Your hair,” I smiled.
It was shorter, to the middle of her back now.
“Yeah,” she nodded. “I got it cut yesterday. Yours is the same.”
It was. “I don’t know what I want to do with it yet.”
Layla looked to the door. “The others are on their way, just so you know. Mom told me a half hour ago.”
I was happy, but there was still worry. “Do you know what happened to Adalyn’s mom?”
She shook her head. “I don’t imagine it was good. I haven’t talked to anyone since I got home. You?”
“No. I’ve been redoing my room and getting to know my brother.”
“You have a brother?” She smiled.
“Yeah. He’s almost six. The sweetest little boy in the world.”
The doorbell rang, and we saw Kylie walk in with her father. She spotted us and ran like we did. After the initial greeting, we were given the food we ordered. We split our fries with Kylie while she waited for her lunch.
Kylie looked the same as she did before. Her clothes were muted in color, and her hair was just as long. We talked for a few minutes before she got into her life.
“My parents are both staying in the same room at the house.”
Layla’s eyebrows lifted. “Oh, wow. Since you got home?”
“Not that first night, but after. The first night we spent talking.”
I swallowed two fries. “Did you tell them anything?”
She shook her head. “Nothing.”
“Same,” Layla said. “They’re getting upset I won’t spill. Sorry if I don’t wanna go through seven years of torture with my family…” She looked down. “They wanted to know about my wrists.” Her long fingers traced the scar that matched mine.
“Mine too,” I said with our other sister.
Adalyn joined us, and she was trying so hard to be okay. We all had food in front of us, and she picked at her fries. I dipped mine in the chocolate shake I was destroying.
“Do you wanna know how long ago it happened?” Adalyn asked. “By how much I missed her? Two months tomorrow,” she said through her teeth. “She was dying for three and a half years, and I just missed her. I don’t—” Her eyes squeezed shut. “I don’t know what to do with that.”
Kylie hugged her, trying to be a comfort. I couldn’t imagine being in Adalyn’s place, that close and that far at the same time.
“How’s your dad been?” I asked.
She straightened out in her chair. “Okay, I think. He’s been happy with me in the house. I told him some stuff that happened to us. He wanted to know how I was taken. If I was hurt while I was gone.”
“You lied?”
She nodded. “By omission. He doesn’t need to know it all, but he’s good to talk to.”
Kylie glanced at our parents, who were trying not to look like they were watching us. “You guys get calls from news people too?”
My brow arched. “What?”
Adalyn glowered. “All the time. They want to arrange some interview with all of us. Some lady even called asking if we wanted to write a book about what happened. I was still in bloody clothes and these vultures descended.”
I s
ipped my soda and set it down hard. “I haven’t heard anything. Mom must be hiding it.”
I couldn’t blame her for it. I’d do the same.
We ate in silence for a few minutes while we all shoved it down like there was no tomorrow. It made me feel a little better I wasn’t the only one doing that. After years of so little food, it left the mindset that there wouldn’t be more later. Everything tasted so good. Warm and fresh.
“We got a dog,” Layla said, mouth full. “We named him Moulder. He’s a golden lab, and he likes sleeping in bed with me.”
“That sounds nice,” Kylie added. “Do you like him?”
Our sister nodded. “He’s really good at fetch. He’s so little that the tennis ball hardly fits in his mouth.”
I stared out the window while she told us more. I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact we were above ground. I’d thought this feeling of surrealism would fade from me. That was very wrong. Every time I looked at the sky, it was like that first night again. Free and infinite. But something was wrong with this picture. It was just that: a picture.
I was a paper doll that wanted to be a real girl, but I didn’t know how. I wanted to feel alive, like I was part of all of this as opposed to an outside observer. It was like I couldn’t get my heart to beat. It didn’t feel within reach. Forever I would be this paper doll.
“They won’t stop staring,” Layla said as she casually traced the condensation on her glass.
“My mom hasn’t let me out of her sight since I got back,” Kylie commented. “Not after she saw my wrists. I don’t think any of them would care, even if they knew it was years ago.”
They were terrified, of course. They lost us for so long. If they closed their eyes, they worried we’d be gone when they opened them again. I knew because it was just what I was afraid of.
The conversation turned, and we were back to the oddity that was having to catch each other up. In fifty years, that would still feel strange. They belonged in my daily life, and that simply wasn’t an option anymore.
It was my mother who came over to us to break the news. “Sorry, girls. I have to pick up Maxwell.”