by Nicole Thorn
I gave her a few days, and I couldn’t take it anymore. I went out with my brother to pick out some flowers before school. He told me that girls like a lot of colors. I wasn’t sure why I was taking advice from him. Oh, wait, yeah I do. Because I knew how to get a girl in bed, but I didn’t know how to comfort one. Jude was more human than I was.
The news vans were finally gone when I knocked on the door. It only reminded me more of those things she said during the interview. My father had been watching the news before work. We watched together, and I had to hear him express sorrow for Riley. Not horrible, of course, but every word was a knife to my chest. It felt like I let her down.
The things they said were things I knew for the most part. It was upsetting to hear about the grooming he did. Having children call him “Master.” I was glad he was dead, but the look on Riley’s face as that bitch dragged the story out of her was painful. I wanted to hold her until she stopped hurting. But she was gone, and I was at home.
She had to have been tricked into that interview because I couldn’t imagine her choosing to just go and do that. It wasn’t her. But maybe I didn’t know who she really was. That beautiful, fun girl might only be another thing she was faking. I wanted to believe I knew which of her smiles were real. So many of them used to be directed at me.
Mrs. Cain opened the door, smiling at me. “Hey, honey. How are you?”
“Fine. Is Riley home?”
God, I said that fast. I sounded like a nervous little boy with a crush. That wasn’t what this was. Before Riley, I didn’t have the capabilities of having feelings for a girl that lasted longer than an hour.
Mrs. Cain’s smile got bigger. “Sorry, but she’s with her friends. It’s been a hard couple of days. Layla’s mom got her twenty minutes ago.”
I stared at my flowers. “Oh.”
I got a pat on my shoulder.
“She’s coming back.” She laughed.
I sighed. “Yeah, but she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. I don’t really know what to do here.”
“Well, that makes two of us. We can’t begin to fathom what she’s dealing with right now. How about I put those flowers in her room and tell her you came by? She’ll come around eventually.”
Riley’s words popped into my head and I echoed them. “I miss her. Like a lot.” It was like I was just figuring it out. “I miss when she would get excited about something tiny, and I miss what she does when she thinks no one’s looking. When she looked up at the sky. And how she looks at it with majesty when it’s only the sky. Because it isn’t just the sky to her. Nothing is what it is with her.”
Mrs. Cain smiled lightly. “No, it’s not. It’s a shame that something so ugly made her see such beauty in the world.”
I handed over the flowers and rubbed my eyes. “I have to head to work. I’ll see you later.”
Dammit, dammit, dammit! I threw the carton of cigarettes into the trash like it did something wrong. The sound of metal on metal echoed through the garage. Fucking dammit!
I’d burned through five packs in the past week, and I blame it entirely on that girl. Each and every time I picked one up, I heard her reprimanding me about it. I saw her big blue eyes looking at me. The problem was that her face was what was driving me to it in the first place. She was hurting and for whatever reason, I wanted to help her. But she wouldn’t let me. I was locked out and going stir crazy.
I needed to release this stress. Smoking wouldn’t fix it. The batting cage wouldn’t fix it. But the curvy brunette that just walked in might do the trick.
The woman stepped up to the counter and flashed me a bright smile. Not like Riley’s, always like she was watching magic…
“Hey.” The woman smiled wider. “You guys do oil checks, right?”
I smiled back at her. “We do. I happen to be free at the moment. Bring the car in.”
And she did. She watched me while I did the oil change. It didn’t take me very long, but the girl, Bethany, talked to me the whole time. It wasn’t hard to gauge the situation. A few flirty words and smiles, and I could have her on her back by tomorrow night.
Once the oil change was done, she filled out a form. She chose to do it at the counter rather than at a chair. We chatted while she did so. She told me about her recent move into town.
“Yeah,” she said. “The car started making sounds and I had to call my dad to figure it out. Resulting in me showing up here.”
I nodded. “Good call. Best not let car troubles linger. It’ll screw you in the long run.”
Her dark eyes went to the paper. Nothing like Riley’s eyes. Bright and blue. “And I just put my home number here?” She pointed.
“Yup.”
“And cell?”
I smiled. “Are you more likely to answer your cell?”
Ah, the smile back. Her lips thinned. A stark contrast to the fullness of Riley’s lips.
“I am. Any time after five, normally. I stay up late.”
Riley passed out early. She always fell asleep on me. Sometimes literally. I loved how she looked when she was sleeping. The hint of a grin on those soft lips of hers.
Bethany went back to her papers, mumbling about how she didn’t know of any good places to eat in the area. She didn’t look back up, and I didn’t wish she would.
I told her about a few places, and she looked disappointed. I didn’t know why she would be. I was solving her problem. Her pouting face was nothing like Riley’s. There was a little crease on Riley’s forehead, and she twitched her nose. My favorite was when her ears moved. Picking up and dropping with her mood. I could stare at her for hours, watching every movement she made. More grace than she could even understand.
Oh fuck me… Abort, abort, abort! Stop this train of thought. The one that was trying to break through and send me into a downward spiral that would only cause me pain in the long run. I couldn’t want her like that.
Her skin against mine, warm and eager. Like her mouth when it was on me. Her hands sliding up and down my chest. My jeans. She had no right to know how to drive a man crazy. Drunk off her ass, and she somehow floored me. A look could begin and end me.
What the hell am I supposed to do about this? Riley was off limits, and that wouldn’t ever change. She couldn’t just jump into something when she didn’t know what it meant. It would take her years to understand. My head didn’t care. It said I would wait. Not because of some kind of profound love, but because the idea of anyone else was so dull. The girl in front of me was stunning, but she might as well be cardboard. Sugar versus rice. There wasn’t even a comparison.
I was still left without a clue, because knowing I wanted Riley didn’t give me a solution. I would watch her, alone, and have to see her live her life. Maybe find some dick of a guy who wouldn’t wait for her. Who would push her. Make her do too much. The idea infuriated me. Someone else hurting her. I wanted to protect her. I wanted her safe and in my arms.
But that didn’t matter. It would be immoral.
I’d been fighting to get back into her life, and now I didn’t know my place in it. Could I still be around her, wanting her, and not taking her? Yes, maybe I could. Touching her wasn’t an option, but dropping her all together wasn’t one either.
So, where did that leave me in the romance department? Well, I couldn’t very well give it to this girl if I’d be thinking of Riley the whole time. That did nothing for the pent up anxiety in me I needed out. I suppose that just made me totally fucked.
The woman left, and she seemed pouty on the way out. My fault for flirting and then dropping her like she was nothing. She was better off in the long run. I’d sleep with her once or twice before I got bored. It was my pattern. I wasn’t a good man, and it was precisely why I couldn’t have Riley. She needed a good man. I could take care of her until she found one.
Without anything to do but fight off daydreams about Riley, I flipped through the TV above the counter. Nothing good was ever on, so I had to switch it back to the news. It was some sto
ry about a dog I didn’t care at all about.
I was in the middle of an especially vivid daydream involving a very naked Riley when I was interrupted. My mood wasn’t lifted when Sherman walked in.
“Sonny,” he said, putting his hands on the counter. “You and I have a problem.”
I smiled. “I’d be nervous if we didn’t.”
His brow arched. “Very funny. Ya know my friend who doesn’t like the sun?”
I rolled my eyes. “Yeah.”
“Well, he’s the one who chops the cars for me. My best guy.”
“And?”
“And he killed a couple people I guess. I don’t know much, but he had to take off. I’m a little bit screwed right now.” Very appropriate to be so nonchalant about it.
“Meaning that I’m screwed too?”
He moved to cross his arms. “You know your way around a car, Sonny. How would you like a raise?”
“Whoa.” I held my hands up. “There’s a big difference between chopping cars and selling parts.”
His lips turned up into a grin. “There is. A several thousand-dollar difference depending on how much work you can do in a day.”
I wasn’t desperate for money, but we weren’t exactly rolling in it. Jude’s college fund was laughable. We made enough to pay the bills and put food on the table. Not much else.
“How about I let you think on it?” Sherman offered. “Just know I won’t be floating too much work by you ‘til I replace my guy.”
And there was the problem… We were staying afloat as of now. How would we be doing if I was making half of what I could be? Better yet, what could I do for my family if I made five times as much?
“Yeah. I guess I’ll talk to you in a few days.”
He looked up and chuckled, nodding at the TV. “Check out the freak show.”
I wasn’t sure why I looked up, but my heart stopped when I did. I knew the girl on the TV, though I’d only seen her once. When she did the interview with Riley. I knew this girl’s name, I knew her face, and I knew something awful was about to happen.
Her long blonde hair was gone, leaving nothing but stubble on her head. Her eyes were wild and hysterical as she stared out at the cameras on her. She had to be at home on her driveway. She was shouting at the people around her, having gone mad for all the attention she must have been getting. The camera showed several news vans outside of her house. People with microphones that were now flinching back from her. I couldn’t blame them. Not now.
My terror didn’t start until a camera caught sight of Riley and the other two girls. They were getting out of a car, screaming at their other friend. Sister. Riley said they were sisters.
But the first girl didn’t waver. She was too far gone. All she could see were the people surrounding her and the gun in her hand.
ouldn’t you have gotten a dog?” Mom sighed as I dropped a cricket into her hand.
She flinched and made a face as she dropped it into Kermit’s home. She wiped her hands on her pants and I was sure she would pass out.
My arms were already crossed, so I cocked my hip out and stared at her. “Dogs are boring. I love Kermy.”
Mom wasn’t on board. “All right then… do what you will. Would that happen to include calling Wilson? That boy wouldn’t do well with people coming in and out of his life.”
I sighed and looked at the ceiling, tilting my head up. “I was awful when I was drunk. I can’t deal with him right now.”
She scoffed. “What did you do that was so bad that you won’t speak with him?”
I gave her a look. “Do you really wanna know? Might be a little weird.”
She only shrugged. “Honey, our relationship is already weird, but you can tell me, and I’ll try not to freak out.”
Well, I might as well. “I nibbled and licked his earlobe, told him I loved how he tasted, and I rubbed his crotch with my hand.”
There was a moment of silence before her lips pressed together and she scratched her nose.
My eyes narrowed. “Are you… are you trying not to laugh?!”
She was. When she lost it, I had to wait two minutes for her to stop. She braced herself with her hands on her knees while she tried to speak. Eventually she held me to her, patting my back.
“Oh, honey… you deserve that.” She laughed.
I huffed and pulled back. “Thanks, Mom.” I didn’t agree that I should have been laughed at, but whatever… As long as she was enjoying herself.
Mom breathed a couple times and got a hold of herself. “Oh, I’m not happy you’re upset, but this is just fucking hilarious. First of all, this is what you get for drinking. Second, I think Wilson can forgive something you did while you were drunk. Do you know why you did it?”
“Because I was stupid, I guess. I don’t know. I hardly remember it, but I know I made a fool of myself.”
“Well… maybe you did.” She put her hands on the back on her hips. “Or…”
“Or?”
She smiled. “Or maybe he liked it.”
“Oh, I know he liked it.”
I wasn’t sure how she felt about that, but she didn’t freak out.
“Ah… okay then.” She shook her head. “Sorry, just never thought I’d get to have this talk with you, but I guess I should. So when a boy gets excited―”
“No!” I shouted, waving my arms. “I’m really sorry, but I don’t need this talk. I know how things work. I have since I was like eleven.”
She frowned. “What?”
“Sorry…”
With a great sigh and a few steps to my door, she looked over her shoulder. “Well, that’s just great. Remember that I find this funny though. Your father will not find this funny. Tell him and the boy dies.” She walked out into the hall. “Love you.”
I was left to stare at my toad until my cell phone rang. It was Layla calling me, so I picked it up without hesitation. She greeted me as such:
“Fucking fuck!”
“Um…”
“Oh, sorry.” She sighed. “I just dropped a pint of ice cream on my toe.”
“Then I guess it had the name calling coming.”
“Damn right it did.”
I was smiling when I moved to my window and looked out. The rain was light so far this morning, but I knew it wouldn’t last very long. It never did. It was light enough where I could open the window and my room wouldn’t get wet. I did it, and I smelled the rain.
“I just got off the phone with Adalyn,” Layla told me with a full mouth. “Melissa isn’t in school today, and she offered to take us out to breakfast. Adalyn already said yes, and Kylie’s mom said she wasn’t up for leaving today.”
“Is she sick?”
“No clue. Are you up for it?”
My parents were always so weird about me seeing my sisters, but I needed them in my life. Everything felt better when they were around. Manageable. I could feel something more than grief.
“Sure. I’ll be ready in a half hour.”
We got off the phone, and I figured I probably needed to tell my mother that I was leaving. I walked slowly, mostly to buy myself time. Why did it feel like I was going to ask for a kidney? I was just going out to get breakfast with my family.
Mom was in the kitchen, scrubbing something off of the stove. She laughed when she saw me, and I narrowed my eyes. Yeah, real funny. I was never going to talk to Wilson again…
I let her finish before I spoke. “The girls want to go get breakfast. Do you have a problem with me going?”
Clearly, she had a very big problem. I could tell by the way she was clutching her dishcloth. It was fair, considering all that’s happened to me in the last seven years, and since I’ve been home. I think she just didn’t want me to have anything to do with that time in my life where I was gone.
“Just breakfast?”
I held back a sigh. “I’d like to spend time with them. I really need you and Dad to understand something: those girls are my family. They’re the only family I’ve had fo
r the past seven years. All that’s left of me lies with them. If you don’t let me see them, then I’ll just be missing. Still.”
Mom looked off, and the only word she said was a reluctant one. “Fine.”
I didn’t wait around for her to change her mind. I went back upstairs to get ready. Since it was cold and rainy out, I put on a purple dress. Dark and flowy. I had leather boots to go with it.
I was reading a brand new book to pass the time before the girls arrived. This one about sisters. Twins. And one of them was a ghost. It was very entertaining, if not a little sad. It at least kept me occupied until I got the text saying they were close.
Before I left, I said goodbye to my mother. She was worried, clearly. That didn’t make her tell me to stay home, and I was very grateful for that. I wouldn’t have stayed even if she asked.
Melissa’s car was an old, beaten-up thing. Gray and loved. I liked each little dent and rusty bit. It made it feel more alive. Lived in.
“Where are we going?” I asked as Melissa pulled out of my driveway.
She carefully got to the end of the street and turned.
“There’s a little diner about ten minutes away,” Layla told me from the passenger’s seat.
Adalyn was beside me, typing on her phone. I think she was playing a game.
We drove, and I spent the time staring out the window at the lightly falling rain. It hit the windshield and splattered around, leaving thin lines running diagonally. There was no sunlight, but somehow it wasn’t very dark out. It was like the sun was being blocked by clouds, but it refused to not be seen.
When we got to the diner, I had to be nudged so I would know I had to get out. Adalyn held my hand while we walked inside. We were seated so that I was beside Adalyn, and Layla sat with her sister. Someone came by and got our drink orders, then we were left to settle.