by Nicole Thorn
I excused myself and went to sit down. The girls followed me, and we were all silent as we waited for the service to begin. We sat in the row, looking much the same as the others. Our dresses were identical, because we couldn’t pick them. Simple and black with black flats. Our heads were facing forward, eyes locked on the shiny white coffin that held what remained of our sister.
None of us cried. It might have something to do with the fact that we were trained not to. I wasn’t very good at it, but Layla was a pro. And Adalyn had cried so much during these last few days there couldn’t possibly be tears left in her.
I had no more tears to cry. Not now. I would never stop if I started now. I think I was too hurt to cry, if that were possible. Tears were not enough anymore. My heart was growing ever blacker now that a quarter of it was rotting away. It would only spread, and I knew that. I was a time bomb.
When it began, I watched the speakers out of respect more than anything else. I couldn’t know the depths of their pain, and I knew it wasn’t any less important than ours. Family members went up one by one and said something about Kylie. They all reflected on the tragedy that she had been found after being lost for so long, only to lose herself again. They didn’t know how hard it was to live this life. That it was a fight every moment to not reach for a blade and go somewhere peaceful.
We all knew why Kylie did it, but we would never know the exact reason she chose that moment. Or how long she was thinking about it. We wouldn’t have the peace of knowing what made her leave us. We wouldn’t know why we weren’t enough for her.
We were given the chance to speak, but not one of us took it. We couldn’t put into words what this day felt like. My mind was too flooded with pictures of the moments where that bullet took my sister from me. I replayed it in my head a million times. I changed the ending each and every time. I made up endings where I saved her. Some of them were insane. Like her missing when she shot and me running, getting the gun out of her hand and it ending there. Or the bullet not killing her. There was time to get her to a hospital. In those, she would wake up and realize the mistake she made. We would rebuild our lives together.
But that was a fairy tale.
The service was over in what felt like a decade, and then we were on our way to the burial site. Not everyone came with us. It was only the very close family, and five police cars that were meant to keep the reporters away. They still got pictures of us leaving the church.
We stood around a hole in the ground as the coffin was lowered in. I couldn’t believe that Kylie was just gone. It felt like we were dropping her body into a hole, and that was all I felt. Guilt came with it, like I should stop them from doing this. Something insane in me said Kylie would wake up any time now, and then she would be six feet under, screaming and pounding on the coffin, begging to be let out. But that was not the case. She wouldn’t wake up. Not now and not ever. Her head was half gone.
At the end of a speech made by a pastor, we were all told to grab a handful of dirt and toss it in to help bury our sister. I couldn’t see the point in that. Was it supposed to give us closure? It felt like we were helping to kill her. We were putting her underground in more ways than one.
I walked over to the pile and grabbed a fistful of dirt. When I walked to the grave and opened my hand, it felt like I was dropping a piece of myself into the pit. I supposed I was.
“How am I supposed to do this?” Adalyn whispered as she and Layla flanked me.
They each had dirt with them.
“Do what?” I asked.
She blinked. “Not follow her.”
There was a deep pang of agony in my heart at that. Layla took over for me.
“You better not even suggest that,” she hissed through her teeth. “We all do this or none of us do. Do you hear me? I’m not losing another sister. I want to be alive. Don’t take this from me. Not after we finally got everything back.”
But not everyone got it all back. Adalyn’s mother was gone. I imagine she wasn’t too far from here. Not the way Adalyn’s eyes kept flickering over to a specific spot.
Adalyn cried. “I don’t want to die, but I don’t feel like I have any right to live. I don’t even know what I am.”
Layla opened her hand, dropping a handful of dirt in. “We’ll find out together. Just don’t leave me.”
After Adalyn dropped her dirt in, we sat back down. We watched everyone file out of the graveyard. Get into cars and drive off. In the distance, an officer held back a man with a camera. It disgusted me. How did death not touch them?
“Are you girls ready?” Mrs. Hall asked us.
In an odd turn, Adalyn was the first to speak. “If you don’t mind, I’d like to visit my mother. I’ll only be a few minutes.”
She put her hand on Adalyn’s shoulder. “Take all the time you need to.”
We all rose as Layla’s parents and sister started walking to the car.
I was at Adalyn’s side. “Do you want us to wait for you?”
She shook her head. “I need you to come with me.”
We did. We walked in a line, following Adalyn and knowing she knew too well where her mother was buried. Her father brought her here a couple days after we got home. We didn’t know much about the visit.
I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket, and I assumed it was my parents. They had asked if they should come, and I told them no. They’d showed up anyway, and so did Adalyn’s father. They let us all sit together and took the row behind us. My mother put her hand on my shoulder a couple times throughout the service.
Kylie’s parents didn’t look at us for the entirety of the service. I think it was difficult for them to do so. We weren’t people after all. We were just three girls who looked like their dead daughter. For all I knew, they blamed us for her death. They already knew that we’d tried to kill ourselves before.
We thought it best to not push it, so we didn’t say goodbye to them. It seemed like it would do more harm than good.
We reached a gravesite, and Adalyn’s face changed again. Formerly blank and now full of old and new grief. She dropped softly to her knees, and Layla stood on her left side while I stayed on her right.
“Hi, Mommy, these are my sisters, Layla and Riley. I told you about them last time I was here. And I told you about Kylie.” Her voice was already shaking. “She’s gone now. But I bet you know that already. She’s up in heaven with you now. I’d like you to take care of her if you can. She was very sad.” Adalyn laughed bitterly, putting her hands on her knees. “I guess we’re all sad. It’s hard not to be, and I don’t think everyone understands that. Daddy does. He’s sad too. I think he’s getting better. He says the house feels like a home again now that I’m there. I don’t know what he would do if I didn’t come home.”
Our parents watched us from a distance, and my mother chewed apart her thumbnail as she stared. I think she wanted to come and talk to us, but my father appeared to hold her off, keeping his hand around her free one. Adalyn’s father only paced as he watched his daughter talk to her mother. I knew that we had about three more minutes before my mom forced her way to us to talk. I wish I knew what to say to her.
The sky thundered lightly while Adalyn told her mother about everything that hurt. We still had a little time before it started raining. I would have stood here even if it was pouring. I loved the feel of rain enough to stay in it for hours.
Adalyn turned her head to us. “Do you guys wanna say something?”
Layla and I exchanged a look. She was the first one to drop to her knees. “Um, hello. I’m Layla. Some call me the leader of the group.”
I rolled my eyes.
“Me and Riley promise to take care of Adalyn for you. And her dad. We’re pretty bad at being people, but we’re working on it.”
Next was me. I took the girls by surprise when I joined them on the ground.
“Yeah, working really hard on it.” My eyes went down. “I made a choice today. One that Kylie didn’t want to make, and one that Layla
made the day we got away. I want to be alive. Really alive, because it’s not fair to the people who are dead if I just waste this chance I’ve been given. I want all of those things that you’re supposed to want.” At this point, I wasn’t sure who I was talking to, but I watched the grass. “I’m not sure if I’m going to fail at it, but I’d like to try.”
“There’s a boy.” Layla smiled like she was tattling on me. “She has his picture in her phone, and he’s lovely to look at. Thing is, she’s scared. We’re all scared though. I think that everybody in the world has that in common. We have more reasons than most, but it’s still something that makes us like everyone else. It’s easy to want to be alive, but it’s very hard to put it into action.”
Adalyn slowly reached out, putting a hand on each of ours. “We’ll do it together.”
t was hard being home again. I missed my sisters. All three of them. But I was here now, and my mother was upset she had to feed Kermit. That, and ya know… the other stuff. We’d talked for hours and hours since I got back. I think we finally passed out around five in the morning after talking about my sisters and me, and what we were going to do now. I couldn’t settle on anything at all.
“He’s disgusting.” Mom frowned at my frog. “I really wish you’d just put him outside and get a dog.”
“I love him, and he’s staying. He’ll live a long and happy life with me.” At least someone will.
Mom crossed her arms. “I have to go get your brother in about an hour. Are you coming or do you want to stay here?”
I glanced at my clock, slipping my hands into my pockets. “I was thinking about calling the girls and seeing if they want to get dinner.”
That wasn’t what Mom wanted to hear. Her face said as much, her wrinkled nose giving her away. “You’ve seen them every day.”
I couldn’t bottle my annoyance. “Yeah, our friend killed herself. We kind of need each other for a while. They make you uncomfortable, and I know that. But it’s not your choice if they’re in my life or not.” I didn’t blame anyone but Kylie for her death, but maybe more time with her would have changed things. As little as putting it off for a while, or avoiding it all together. She might have needed someone to talk to, and we weren’t there for her. I won’t ever know if I could have changed anything, but that mistake wouldn’t be made twice.
“You have other friends,” Mom said.
I knew what she meant. The dying flowers on my dresser were a constant reminder that I was being unkind to Wilson. I just didn’t know what to do with him. If this were a perfect world, I’d go to his house right now. I’d curl up with him on the couch and watch him play games until I fell asleep. But this wasn’t some fantasy. Eventually Wilson would catch on to the burden of me. I didn’t want to watch him walk away.
“Have you called him?” Mom asked.
“No. What am I supposed to say? I’m hardly functioning right now.”
She patted my arm and held it. “Friends are supposed to help with things like that. I’m sure Wilson could tell you a thing or two about loss.”
His mother, of course. He never talked about her, but I knew she was gone. Jude never got to know her, and Wilson lost her when he was only a little younger than me.
“Is he home right now?”
Mom smiled. “Only one way to find out.”
I pretended to be brave as I walked out of the room. I was down the stairs and out the door in only a few seconds, meeting a light drizzle and not caring at all. I forgot my shoes, so I padded against the cold ground. The short, light gray dress I was in amplified the chill. The wind hit my bare arms and legs, nearly making my teeth chatter.
When I got to his front door, fear of rejection coursed through me. I hadn’t gotten a call today. What if he took the hint and was done trying? I was only now realizing I didn’t want that. I wanted him in my life even if it was a risk.
I waited, and it was safe for the time being. Mom had called the cops and had them chase the news people away. I doubted they’d care for much longer. There was always a better story.
I rang the bell and waited there in the cold, shivering the entire time. Oh come on, Wilson. Open the door. I needed to see him, and I needed to see him now. I went too long, and something in my body shouted at me for being so dumb.
The rain was beginning to soak me, and my hair dripped water onto my shoulders. I guess it was a good thing I’d skipped the shoes. Even as I stood there, the sky was opening up above me. I smiled at the flood.
The door opened, and then there was Wilson, drawing my attention to him. His eyes lit up, but that lasted less than a moment before he stepped out of his house and wrapped his arms around me. He lifted me in the air, almost squeezing the breath out of me.
“I missed you so much, baby.” Wilson’s voice was off. Too quiet and lamenting. He set me on my feet and cupped my face with one hand. “How are you doing? I’ve been trying to talk to you for a week. I saw”―he paused while he thought―“I saw the news. They didn’t cut in time.”
“I know.” I nodded. “I’m not okay. I missed you.”
The rain soaked through his clothes, making him shiver slightly, and I smiled.
“You’re getting wet.”
“I don’t care.” He kissed my cheek, holding me. “I wasn’t sure you’d ever talk to me again.”
My arms stayed around his neck, and I was pleased when his hands settled on my waist. “Sorry. The night I got drunk happened, and then Kylie. I didn’t really know what to say to you.”
He let out a breath. “You were avoiding me because of the night you were wasted? I know you didn’t mean anything you did or said. What did you think I would do?”
I wasn’t really sure. I think I just wanted to avoid having to deal with why I did what I did. It was me wanting to feel something that I knew would comfort me. More than that, I think it would have made me feel good. Because it was Wilson. Not anybody else.
I shrugged. “I didn’t want to find out.”
He kissed my cheek again, probably tasting rainwater. “You don’t have to explain anything to me. Grope me all you want and it won’t matter.” He smiled.
I nodded. “I’ll keep that in mind. But I figured I’d just not drink so much next time.”
“Or at all,” he warned.
Wilson brought me under the awning by the house, keeping most of the rain off of us. I crossed my arms in a poor attempt to keep warmer.
“How much did you see?”
He was hesitant. “They were airing it from when she walked out of the house. They didn’t cut until you started running.”
I stared at the wall instead of him. “I can’t believe that was on TV. I hate those people.”
Wilson took my hand, running his thumb over rain-covered skin. “Well, that interview certainly got you some attention.”
It took a lot of control not to wince. “You saw it?”
“Of course I saw it.”
Since I didn’t know how to respond, I let about a minute pass before I spoke again. “Thank you for the flowers.”
“Oh,” he said like he forgot. “Yeah, you’re welcome. I wasn’t sure what you like.”
“They were very nice. Good choice.”
He smiled, looking back at his door. I wonder if he wanted to leave now. “Jude picked them for me.”
Well, that just sounded adorable. I could picture the two of them looking at flowers and being completely lost.
“I was going to get you candy too,” Wilson added. “I wanted to pick it up after work. Obviously I changed my mind.” He looked away awkwardly. “Things happened. I’m really scared you’re planning on doing something like that, and I don’t know how to stop the worrying. I think I need you to tell me that you’re not thinking about it.”
He wanted a promise I wouldn’t kill myself. So that’s what my life has come down to. I suppose it was earned, but it still didn’t make me feel great.
I took a step closer to him, putting my arms around his middle. My
chin rested on his chest. “Since there is no pretty way to say this, I just will. I’m not going to kill myself.”
There was only a slight amount of relief in his eyes. From a lack of belief? “So, you promise?”
“I want to know what it’s like to be alive. Maybe you can help me with that.”
His eyes were drawn down and locked onto mine. I felt his fingers run through my damp hair. He made a face at the tangles the rain caused. “And what did you have in mind?”
Well, I didn’t know until he asked. Then I looked at him, getting answers to questions I didn’t know I was asking myself. A million little nerve endings were firing off all at once in my head and body as I watched Wilson’s face for any kind of change.
His eyes were more serious now. Focused. My heart pounded when he started lowering his face to me. I moved back out of instinct, giving him the chance to do what he would without an awkward angle. I kept my hands on his chest while I waited, panicking and wondering what I was supposed to do. The nervousness went away when I saw how sure he looked. He captured my face in both hands and tilted it up to his.
He was going slow enough to make me want to shove him against the wall and do it myself. My head told me that this was probably part of it. The anticipation. I didn’t want to anticipate. I wanted Wilson’s mouth against mine. I wanted to satisfy the greed that was sending me pictures of him on top of me doing things I’d never thought about before. How could something that hadn’t ever popped into my head until now mean so much to me? How could I want it this bad?
My eyes were closed when his lips brushed against the corner of my mouth. Ah, so he was indeed trying to kill me. That was fine. I could live with a death this sweet. Another second, and I would have been sent straight to heaven or hell. Just… one…
“On my God, are you kissing in the rain? That’s so cute!” my sister yelled at us, making us both jump a little.
I turned to glare like I’ve never glared before, and I could see Layla skipping over with Adalyn just on her tail. A black car drove away from my house.
I huffed and did nothing else.