by Nicole Thorn
How did Wilson get himself into such a mess? I loved him so much, but he was a little bit of a dummy. Now he was knee-deep into something that could be life threatening if he didn’t go about this the right way.
I listened to the conversation as best I could, trying to be quiet enough so they wouldn’t know how close I was.
“You make me a lot of money,” Sherman told Wilson. “I can make you a lot of money too. Is that it? You want more? I get it. You have a new girl in your life, and you wanna spoil her. Here, take what I owe you, and we can discuss your payment.”
Their voices dropped too low for a few minutes and even straining wouldn’t allow me to hear. It was muffled, so I had a hope that it meant everything was calm. Sherman might take the hint and leave Wilson alone now.
My comfort was short-lived when the voices grew loud again. It sounded like it was getting hostile.
“I don’t like what you’re telling me,” Sherman said. “What am I supposed to do? You’re more than forty percent of my sales. Without this place, I wouldn’t be able to stay in town.”
“Then maybe you should go,” Wilson said. “Find a new place to make money.”
“And why should I do that?”
This wouldn’t end. Not as long as Wilson was here in this shop. Not as long as this place was available for Sherman to come to whenever he wanted.
My hands were in my pockets, holding the fabric in my fists. I felt the cool metal that I’d slipped into my pocket when I was in the car. The lighter that Wilson used to use for smoking, but soon became something to busy his nervous hands. He liked to flick it on and off when he didn’t know what to do with himself.
I pulled it out, flipping the top and running my thumb over the circular part that would ignite it. I looked around the room, wheels turning in my head.
I spent so much of my life wanting to die, and I’d come up with half a dozen ways to do it. Some of them on my own, and some of them with my sisters. One being what we would have done if I hadn’t killed Master that night. A way to keep that monster from ever hurting anyone ever again. We would have all gone up in flames.
I got on my feet and looked around in a mad scramble. It had to look like an accident. That was the only way. If he thought it was an accident, then he wouldn’t blame Wilson and then he wouldn’t be in danger. He could be free in a matter of minutes.
I didn’t know what I was doing, so I grabbed an old flier from the counter. It was advertising some kind of sale on oil changes. Wilson told me that last time they did that, he had to pull a double so his boss didn’t have to turn people away. It was a bad day for him.
Since I didn’t really know what I was doing, I rolled up the paper and flattened out a corner before I ripped it into a much smaller piece. I found the nearest outlet and shoved the paper inside. It stuck out just enough for me.
I held the lighter in both hands, and it took a few tries to light it. Finally, I got a flame. I held it to the paper, and it caught in an instant. I backed away, getting far from the smoke and growing flames.
It took only about a minute for a loud pop to come from the outlet. The wall above went black as smoke poured out and started filling the room. It was a matter of seconds before the alarm went off, and I barely had time to get the lighter back in my pocket. So, so fast, the room was filling with black smoke as the fire alarm blared in my ears.
The door slammed open, and Wilson coughed as the smoke rushed out. “Riley!”
I didn’t realize I was on the floor again until he came in. I was too busy watching what I’d done as it started eating up the room around me. White walls were turning black, and the orange flames touched the ceiling now. I got to my feet, and my lungs filled with smoke.
Wilson ran to me, grabbing me by the arm and hauling me out of the room. Sherman watched as the fire followed us. He was staring past us as another outlet blew, causing the power to flicker out and leave us in darkness.
It was overcast today, but the rain hadn’t fallen yet. The sun wasn’t out to show through the glass, but it was light enough that I could see the smoke beginning to make it black. My sight was being taken over by the blankness all around me.
Wilson had my hand, and he was pulling me to the open garage door. Sherman was already ahead of us, outside and staring at the scene. Wilson got me outside and far enough away that I could see the whole building. Flames started to crawl out of the second story window, and I was very grateful that this building was all on its own. I wouldn’t want anyone to lose their houses to this.
“What the fuck are you doing?” Sherman yelled at Wilson as he got his phone out.
Wilson didn’t look up. “Calling the fire department so the whole place doesn’t go up.”
“You’re going to have this place swimming with cops!”
Wilson ignored him.
I watched Sherman give the fire one more look before he took off for his car. He got in, slammed the door, and sped off like a bat outta hell.
Once Wilson had the fire department on their way, he held me by my shoulders. “Are you okay? What happened?”
My eyes were welling up already. “I didn’t know how to make him go away. I thought that if there was no shop… he’d have to leave you alone.”
I was shaking hard, and I soon realized that Wilson was the only thing holding me up. I waited for the judgment in his eyes at what I did. I waited for him to call me insane. To leave me. To decide I wasn’t worth it after all.
“You did this?” he asked.
All I could do was nod.
He let go of me, and I had to keep my balance all on my own. He rubbed his hand against his jaw, clearly thinking. But I wasn’t sure of what.
“How?” he asked coldly.
I reached into my pocket and pulled the lighter out, holding it in my palm.
Wilson stared at it for a moment before snatching it out of my hand and sticking it in his pocket, telling me that he would figure out what to do with it later.
I started sobbing, shoulders shaking and hands covering my face. “I’m so sorry. I just wanted him to leave you alone. I didn’t know what else to do.”
Wilson held me. His lips were at my ear.
“Shh. Don’t cry.”
He rubbed my arm as the sirens started blaring in the background. They would be here soon. He wouldn’t let them take me away, would he?
Wilson pulled back to tilt my head up. His eyes were grave on mine. “You need to let me do all the talking, okay?”
I blinked. “Are you going to tell them what I did?”
He finally looked at me like I was insane. “You didn’t do anything. It was an electrical fire. The place has needed updating for a while. This was bound to happen.”
I blinked again. “But…”
“It was an electrical fire,” he said again, sterner. “I was lucky to get you out in time. We were alone, and I was working. You got hungry and went to make something to eat. You were in there when it happened. Do you understand?”
I nodded.
He kissed my forehead. “Good.”
My lip quivered, so I bit it. “Are you mad at me?”
Wilson sighed, and I saw a truck beginning to turn the corner and head to us. He looked back and then to me again.
“We have to talk about this later. Okay? Can you remember what I said?”
“Yes.”
Then the lot was filled with fire trucks and men trying to fix what I’d done. They pushed us out of the way and back toward the opening of the woods.
I was an absolute mess, so Wilson did almost all of the talking. He told them the story he made up, and I sat on the ground crying my eyes out. The men around me said I was just in shock and I should be fine in a while. They asked me if I was okay before forcing a paramedic on me. I sat in the back of his truck while he checked my vitals, eyes lingering on the scars I wore on my wrists. He didn’t say anything.
There was a blanket around me as I watched the fire get put out with massive hoses and
the storm that finally started. The thunder above us boomed along with flashes of light.
Wilson sat beside me, holding my hand and watching with me. “Half the building is gone,” he said.
I swallowed. “I did that…”
It came out in a whisper.
eah.” Wilson sighed. “You did. Care to tell me just what you were thinking?”
His tone was even, so I couldn’t tell if he was angry or not.
I went over my entire thought process with him. Telling him about how if there was no shop, then Wilson wouldn’t get called on by Sherman. And I might have been right. He took off, and I didn’t know if he would risk coming back. Not when the shop couldn’t be worked out of and Wilson had nowhere to go.
But now he didn’t have a job. We could fix that, so long as this was written off as an accident. I had the numbers of dozens of people with offers for me. If I had to, I could work and help him with the bills. It was the least I could do since I burned down his work.
“You didn’t answer me before,” I said, watching my legs as they swung over the edge of the truck.
Rain hit them and froze me, but I didn’t care.
Wilson sighed again and ran his fingers through his hair. “I am not mad at you, but I am terrified of what you just did. You had the best intentions, but you went about it the worst way you could. Not everything needs to be extreme.”
I bit my lip and tried to speak as evenly as he did. “I didn’t see another way out. When that happens to me…”
He took my hand. “I know.”
The fire wasn’t growing, but it took a lot of men to put it out. I watched them work, making sure the growing crowd didn’t get too close. It gave me time to think about what I did. I destroyed cars that belonged to customers, a man’s business—as gross as he might be—Wilson’s job. I might have made this all a lot worse. I had to hope that Sherman didn’t think this was my fault. I saw the way he looked at me. Like I was nothing more than a little girl to him. Too fragile to do anything more than stand behind Wilson and look scared. Good. Let him see me as weak. This body was shaped into that of a doll for a reason. I was meant to look frail.
Wilson moved me so I was right beside him, and he put an arm over my shoulders. “I love you, Riley. More than anything else in the whole world. I’m just scared of what you might do next time you feel closed in.”
I looked up at him, my nails scratching at his leg and trying to find purchase. “I’m scared too.”
I couldn’t promise him I wouldn’t do something dangerous. I was unstable. I was a lot of things, and I was finally starting to see why my parents were desperate for a quick fix. Their crazy daughter would get herself into a lot of trouble one day.
The fire was finally out as the storm seemed to reach a new level. The rain was hard, and I couldn’t see more than a few feet in front of me before it got blurry. Another man came by to check on me, and I told him I was much better. I was good at playing the wounded bird. They all wanted to believe it anyway.
I was fine for the most part. Wilson was telling me that he would bring me home just as my parents’ car sped into the lot. I could barely make out my mother rushing from her side of the car. Her eyes found me and she was at my side in a moment.
She pulled me away from Wilson to hug me. “Oh my God,” she cried. “You’re okay.”
The firemen must have called her and Dad. They asked for my contact info, but I didn’t connect that they would call. Not when Wilson was here and not too shaken up to take me back home. But I imagined he would be shaken after this.
Dad caught up and did much the same as my mother did. I was hugged for a very long time and checked over again and again for scrapes.
“I’m fine,” I sapped. “Really. I got out in time.”
Dad glared at Wilson. “What the hell happened? You took her and almost got her killed.”
“Dad,” I said through my teeth. “He didn’t do anything wrong. He had nothing to do with this.”
He laughed. “Really? What about you, Riley? I don’t remember you getting permission to leave the house today.”
My eyes narrowed indignantly. “I have to get permission now? I’m almost twenty years old.”
The rain came down so hard that we were all soaked in moments. Wilson was the only one even a little dry, and that was because he was protected by the truck. Thank God he was silent and letting me handle it. I could tell he was just waiting to jump in, but I didn’t want him to. Not this time.
“I don’t care how old you are,” Mom cut in. “You’re our daughter, and you’ll do as we say. For your own good.” She took a deep breath, hands rising to her hips. She brought her gaze up from the ground. “Some changes are going to need to be put in place. No more leaving whenever you feel like it.”
“And she gets a curfew when she does,” Dad added.
“Yeah. Phone time is regulated.”
Wilson was on his feet then, standing between my parents and me. “You can’t do that to her. You’re boxing her in. She’ll break down if you keep putting walls up around her.”
Dad wouldn’t let him finish. “This is none of your business, Wilson. I’m done with you taking advantage of my daughter. Go fine some other girl to screw.”
“Dad,” I growled again. “Stop it. Stop assuming Wilson is some jerk just because you don’t approve of me dating him. He’s been more help to me than either of you have.”
That only made him angry. He grabbed my wrist and yanked me away from Wilson. “This is over. You and him are done.”
“But—”
“No! No more of you doing whatever you want. You’re coming home right now.”
Dad started yanking me to the car, not letting me say goodbye to Wilson. I looked back at him, and we had the same helpless expression. His went away when he started pleading with my mother. Telling her this would only hurt me. She shook her head at him and walked away.
I screamed out for Wilson as I was shoved into the backseat of the car. My parents drove off into the rain without hesitation.
“No phone,” Mom went on. “You can only leave when we’re there to watch you. I bet those friends of yours were the ones who were telling you this whole time that this was okay.”
“No, they didn’t!” I yelled. “No one is telling me what to do but the two of you.”
Mom turned her head to me. “No more girls,” she said. “You’re to stay in the house unless we let you go somewhere else. And you will start taking your meds. These and whatever else the doctor sees fit. You’re going back, alone, and you’re going to be cooperative for him. You need to get better, and this is the only way.”
No, it wasn’t. They had to know that somewhere deep down. I knew this was coming from a place of fear, but that didn’t tighten the grip I felt around my throat. They wanted me in a little box, and they didn’t want to let me out. They thought it was the only way to keep me safe. They would keep me from the world.
There I was again. Trapped in a small space with no hope of getting out. I couldn’t live like this. Not again. I had reminders all around me of what happened when I felt like there was no way out. And there were so many more useful things to open my scars up now.
But my sisters. They wouldn’t recover if I died. Not ever. I promised them that I would try. I was trying. I really was. I was happy with Wilson. With them. My brother. But my parents were trapping me like a rat. I couldn’t breathe. Even now.
“I think it would do you some good to spend some time in your room,” my father told me as we pulled into the driveway.
I wondered idly where Welly was tonight if my parents could come without him. I was glad he wouldn’t be home to see his parents acting like this. It would only make him think less of them.
I was dragged into the house soaking wet. My parents were on either side of me, glaring. Mom’s scowl matched her harsh words.
“I thought you were smarter than this, Riley. You let yourself get caught up in a boy, and you could have d
ied for it. We just got you back.”
“I know.” My fists were at my sides. “But you’re not listening to me. Wilson had nothing to do with the fire. He was the one who got me out.”
“I don’t care.” Dad took me by the arm and brought me up to my room, disturbing the cat on the way.
I was let go of when we got to my room.
Dad held the door. “You think that we’re being mean for fun, but we just want you safe.”
I stared at him with unrepentant rage. “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.”
“Riley, be an adult. Hand me your phone.” He held his hand out.
I gave it to him because I was already so broken down. “I won’t take those pills.”
He shoved my phone into his pocket. “Yes, you will. You’ll see that doctor and any other that we think you should see. You’ll not see Wilson anymore. That boy is bad news. Stay in here until you can see that.” And he slammed the door.
Trapped. I was trapped again. In this little room in this house. I closed my eyes and I was right back in The Dollhouse. I was in a dark room, waiting for Master to come and get me. He always did. As I paced, I couldn’t shake the memories flooding me. Pictures upon pictures of him and the house. My pink room with pink things and hate behind them all. He would fill it with things that I didn’t want there. Trying to make it feel like home. That prison.
This was a new prison. It was dressed up like a pretty little home, and all it was was a lie. I was supposed to be safe here. Not trapped. With people who loved me and wanted to help me. They just wanted me to be better. They didn’t care that it would take time. They didn’t care that I was suffocating now.
They took my sisters. They took Wilson. Every connection I had to the outside world. They wanted me all to themselves. Like he did. He hurt me because he thought I was his doll. I was his to play with. His to touch and dress up. Always, he had the control. Never a drop for me.
Then I was here. I had a taste of what it felt like to be human again. When I was with my sisters outside. Feeling biting wind and soft grass. When I was kissing Wilson, and my body heated up with his touch. I never felt so alive as when he was beside me.