by Yu Hua
From far away Lin Hong spotted Baldy Li standing at the factory gate. She heard the other women gasp in astonishment as she walked toward the gate with a pale face. When she saw Song Gang standing next to Baldy Li, she couldn't help staring at him—this being the first time she had noticed the tall and dashing Song Gang.
When Baldy Li saw Lin Hong walk through the gate, he called out sorrowfully, "Lin Hong, it was all a misunderstanding! Yesterday, those little bastards said the wrong thing. I didn't tell them to say intercourse but, rather, to court. I, Baldy Li, want to court you."
When the women leaving the factory heard Baldy Li's sorrowful cries and saw his sorrowful expression, they again erupted into waves of laughter. Lin Hong was already numb with fury, and she walked past Baldy Li in complete silence. He followed closely behind her, raising his fist, beating his chest like a drum, and shouting, "I swear by all that is sacred and holy in the world!"
Baldy Li paid no attention to the tittering of the female factory workers, and instead continued to proclaim sorrowfully, "Those little bastards really did shout the wrong thing. There was a class enemy who messed things up."
Eventually Baldy Li began to calm down. He stopped pounding his chest and instead started knocking his own head. "That class enemy is destroying our proletariat revolutionary spirit, deliberately getting those little bastards to shout out intercourse. Lin Hong, don't worry, no matter how deeply hidden this class enemy is, I will make sure to ferret him out and conduct proletarian revolution against him."
Then Baldy Li said in all sincerity, "Lin Hong, whatever you do, don't forget class struggle!"
Finally Lin Hong couldn't stand it anymore. She turned around to face Baldy Li, who was still hollering behind her. Gritting her teeth, she uttered the foulest words she had ever uttered: "I hope you die!"
This made Baldy Li stop dead in his tracks, as if he didn't know what had hit him. It was not until the other factory workers walked past and their hysterical laughter died away that he finally recovered from the shock. He wanted to chase after her, but Song Gang restrained him. Pausing, Baldy Li gazed longingly at Lin Hong's departing shadow.
The brothers headed home. Baldy Li did not feel at all that he had failed and maintained his proud stride. Song Gang, by contrast, trailed listlessly at his side. He ventured nervously, "I don't think Lin Hong is interested in you."
"That's absurd," Baldy Li responded, adding confidently, "It's simply inconceivable that she would not be interested."
Song Gang shook his head and said, "If she really fancied you, she would not have said such an ugly thing."
"What do you know?" Baldy Li lectured Song Gang like an old hand. "Women are like that. The more they like you, the more they act like they hate you. When they do want you, they pretend that they don't."
Song Gang felt that what Baldy Li said sounded plausible. He regarded Baldy Li with surprise. "How do you know all this?"
"Worldly experience," Baldy Li replied proudly. "Just think, I often attend meetings with the other factory directors, all of whom are worldly, clever people, and they say this is how things are."
Song Gang nodded his head in admiration and conceded that the people Baldy Li hung out with were indeed a cut above the rest, and indeed it seemed that their worldliness had broadened Baldy Li's perspective, too. Just then Baldy Li abruptly cried out, "There's an aphorism that captures this idea." Baldy Li slapped his head and said regretfully, "Fuck, why can't I think of it?"
The entire walk back, Baldy Li struggled to remember the aphorism. He spit out seventeen more "fucks" but couldn't think of it. Song Gang tried to help, but by the time they got home they still hadn't made any progress. Song Gang then immediately went to look up the phrase in his middle-school dictionary of aphorisms, leafing through it on his bed for the longest time. Eventually he asked Baldy Li, "Is it playing cat and mouse?"
"Yes, that's it!" Baldy Li cried out. "She's playing cat and mouse with me."
That night Baldy Li and Song Gang burned the midnight oil discussing how to break through Lin Hong's game of cat and mouse. When it came time to discuss battle tactics, Song Gang suddenly appeared full of wisdom. He closed his eyes and tried to recollect what he could from the half of a tattered volume of Sunzi's The Art of War he'd read. He then opened his eyes, analyzed Lin Hong's oppositional tactics again, and said approvingly, "The cat and mouse strategy is fantastic. She can advance to make gains, and then retreat to secure her position."
After that, Song Gang took the dictionary of aphorisms and continued leafing through it. Upon finding five more apt aphorisms, he proudly held up five fingers, telling Baldy Li, "If you use these five stratagems, you will be assured of breaking through Lin Hongs game of cat and mouse."
"What are they?" Baldy Li asked excitedly.
Song Gang counted out on his fingers: "Beating around the bush. Coming straight to the point. Laying siege at the outskirts of the city. Penetrating behind enemy lines. Beating to a pulp. "
Song Gang explained to Baldy Li that he had already deployed the first two strategies. Yesterday, when he had the boys go and call out for him, this was beating around the bush. Today when he personally went to confront her, this was coming straight to the point. Why is the third strategy called laying siege at the outskirts of the city? Because one shouldn't go in alone again; rather, Baldy Li should have all his Good Works Factory workers go in on his behalf, to give Lin Hong a taste of the strength of his numbers. As for the fourth strategy, penetrating behind enemy lines, Song Gang said that this was the most crucial one and the key to his success.
Baldy Li's eyes glittered as he asked, "How do I penetrate behind enemy lines?"
"Go to her house," Song Gang said. "Penetrating behind enemy lines means to go into her home and conquer her parents—this is referred to as catching the thieves by first capturing their chief."
Baldy Li nodded his head vigorously, asking, "And what is beating to a pulp?"
"Pursue her every day without giving up, until she finally gives you her hand in marriage," Song Gang said.
Baldy Li pounded the table fiercely and shouted, "Song Gang, you certainly live up to the title of being my military advisor."
Baldy Li immediately sprung into action, and the very next afternoon he started laying siege at the outskirts of the city. He took his fourteen crippled, idiot, blind, and deaf loyal minions and swaggered through the streets of Liu. Many of the townspeople saw this scene and laughed so hard their bellies ached and their throats became raw. Baldy Li was afraid the two cripples would lag behind everyone else, so he had them walk at the very front of the procession. When the rest of the courtship brigade tried to advance, however, they found their progress blocked by the cripples, leaving everyone in complete disarray. One of the cripples at the front listed to the left and the other listed to the right, and as they proceeded they gradually ended up on opposite sides of the road. This left the three idiots behind them completely confused. At first they took several steps to the left, then doubled back and took several steps to the right. The three idiots swerving left and right as they walked together hand in hand made the four cane-carrying blind men knock themselves silly. After they had fallen down and gotten back up, there was only one blind man who was still marching in the right direction—two were going backward, and the fourth found his way obstructed by a wutong tree. He kept tapping the tree with his cane and calling out, "Director Li, Director Li, where am I?"
Baldy Li was soon bathed in sweat from his exertions. As soon as he had reorientated the first two blind men, the blind man who was originally walking in the correct direction had been knocked over by the three idiots, while the fourth blind man under the wutong tree was still calling out for help. Thankfully, there were the five deaf men. Baldy Li energetically directed them to stand in line and then sent one of them to retrieve the blind man under the wutong tree, two to look after the three idiots, and the remaining two to go help the blind man who had fallen over. Baldy Li seemed to be performing
a dance, hopping all over the place as he directed the five deaf men while simultaneously pointing to his own ear as he explained to the onlookers, "These five are deaf."
As Baldy Li tried to rein in his courtship brigade, he discovered that the crux of the problem lay with the two cripples. Therefore, he sprinted to the front of the procession and directed them to switch positions, so that the one who listed right was now on the left-hand side and vice versa. This way they no longer drifted apart but, rather, hobbled together. Every few steps they would bump into each other, and after separating they would walk a few more steps and bump into each other again. Baldy Li continued his street dance, wildly gesticulating at the five deaf men, who finally understood what to do. Two of them walked to the left of the brigade, and the other three walked to the right, like gendarmes maintaining the order of the procession.
This courtship brigade finally found its footing. Baldy Li wiped the sweat from his brow and faced the crowd laughing on the side of the street, like a leader waving a greeting. The onlookers chattered to each other, wondering where this brigade was headed. Baldy Li announced that he was bringing along all of the Good Works Factory's workers to lay siege at the outskirts of the knitting factory, in order to declare his undying love to Lin Hong: "I want Lin Hong to know that my love for her is taller than a mountain and deeper than the sea."
This was an unheard-of event in Liu Town, and everyone rushed toward the knitting factory. A number of sales clerks took time off from work, and even more people slipped out from the factories to come and watch the spectacle, completely packing the streets with spectators. Everyone crowded around Baldy Li's courtship brigade like waves around a whirlpool, and together they surged toward the knitting factory.
The old gatekeeper at the factory was very excited to see such a sea of people, and he noted that not since the end of the Cultural Revolution had he seen so many people in the same place at once. Then, with a turn of humor, he added, "For a second I thought that Chairman Mao himself had arrived."
The crowds, however, replied humorlessly "Chairman Mao has been dead for several years now."
"I know that," the gatekeeper snapped. "Who doesn't know that our beloved Chairman Mao has passed away?"
Baldy Li's courtship procession stood at the factory gate, and he instructed his fourteen loyal minions to form two divisions, with the two cripples, four blind men, and two of the deaf men standing in the vanguard, and the three idiots and the remaining three deaf men taking up the rear. Baldy Li had spent the entire morning back at the factory rehearsing this formation: the eight crippled, blind, and deaf men in the vanguard shouting out in unison and the three deaf-mutes in the rear clapping vigorously. As for the three idiots, Baldy Li had learned well the bitter lesson from the last time Tao Qing came to observe them—that three feet of ice cannot be produced by a single day's frost. Baldy Li knew that when the time came for them to call out Lin Hong's name, they would call out "Director Li" instead, and therefore he had spent the entire morning teaching them how to lift their hands and cover their mouths. Baldy Li was most worried about these three idiots, and now that they were waiting at the factory gate, he had them practice covering their mouths three more times. When he lifted his hands to his mouth, the three idiots did the same. Baldy Li inspected each of them and then announced with satisfaction, "You have covered them so well that not even water could seep through."
By this point the crowds roar was deafening, and Baldy Li turned toward them, lifted his arms, and then thrust them back down again. In a manner reminiscent of the famous conductor Herbert van Karajan, Baldy Li lifted his arms seven times and thrust them back seven more times, and finally the crowds roar began to subside. Baldy Li lifted his index finger and spun around as he began to shhhh everyone. He repeatedly pivoted his body a full 180 degrees, almost making himself dizzy, until the crowd eventually grew silent. Baldy Li then cried out, "Everyone cooperate, okay?"
"Okay!" they shouted.
Baldy Li nodded with satisfaction, but the crowd started buzzing again. Baldy Li immediately lifted his finger and shhhhed them again while pivoting his body back and forth.
The bell announcing the end of the workday had not rung yet, but the knitting factory's Director Liu was an infamous chain-smoker. The thirty something director smoked three packs a day, puffing nonstop from morning to night. Smoking a cigarette, he was accompanied by several people to the entranceway where he learned that Baldy Li was laying siege to his factory and furthermore had brought virtually the towns entire population with him. As he strode toward the gate he jumped back in surprise when he saw the enormous crowd massed oppressively outside like a dark cloud and thought to himself that this Baldy Li really was an utter and complete bastard. Director Liu and Baldy Li often attended meetings together and therefore knew each other quite well. Director Liu greeted Baldy Li from far away and said warmly, "Director Li, Director Li …"
As he arrived at Baldy Li's side Director Liu forgot that his cigarette was about to burn down to his finger and complained softly, "Director Li, what are you doing here? Just look at how you have completely blocked the entranceway. What will the workers do when they get off work?"
Baldy Li laughed and said, "Director Liu, I just need you to let Lin Hong come out for a second. We will have a couple of things to tell her, after which I will immediately withdraw my troops and return home."
Director Liu recognized that this was the only solution. Furiously throwing away the cigarette that had already started to burn his fingers, he nodded. He pulled out another cigarette and lit it, and after taking a deep drag, he turned around and asked one of his companions to go and fetch Lin Hong.
Ten minutes later, Lin Hong appeared, her hands clasped together, head bowed, and her gait as stiff as that of Baldy Li's cripples. Lin Hongs appearance made the crowd roar with anticipation. Baldy Li turned around anxiously to face them and once again lifted and lowered his arms like von Karajan. The crowds roars gradually leveled off, and Baldy Li turned and saw that Lin Hong had arrived. He quickly waved to his fourteen loyal minions and, with his left hand covering his mouth, he pointed majestically at the sky with his right. The three idiots in the rear responded the fastest and immediately covered their mouths with their hands, after which the two deaf-mutes started clapping. Then the eight crippled, blind, and deaf men in the vanguard started shouting out in unison, "Lin Hong! Lin Hong! Lin Hong!"
The crowd also began to chant, "Lin Hong! Lin Hong! Lin Hong!"
The crippled, blind, and deaf men then shouted, "Please come and be the Good Works Factory's First Lady. Please come and be the Good Works Factory's First Lady…"
The crowd buzzed with confusion. But after the eight crippled, blind, and deaf men had recited the message four times, the crowd finally understood what they were saying and began to roar like the sea, stripping the message down to its essence and making it into a chant: "First Lady! First Lady! First Lady!"
Tears welled up in Baldy Li's eyes and he exclaimed, "The roar of the masses is so powerful."
Lin Hong, approaching with her head bowed, stopped in her tracks, petrified with fear, and looked up at the crowd. Then she turned around and started walking back inside. As soon as Lin Hong turned to leave, one of the three idiots, who up to that point had been obediently covering his mouth, unexpectedly caught a glimpse of her beauty as she lifted her head. He immediately lost control of himself, pushed the idiot standing in front of him aside, and ran in pursuit of Lin Hong with both arms extended. Drooling madly, he kept repeating, "Missy, hug me, please hug me…"
The crowd murmured in surprise, then exploded into a boom of laughter like an airplane taking off. Baldy Li had not expected that he would have to deal with a love-crazed idiot. Cursing to himself, he rushed forward and grabbed the idiot, roaring under his breath, "Get the fuck back here, you crazy idiot."
The love-crazed idiot struggled to free himself from Baldy Li's grasp and continued to pursue Lin Hong, still shouting, "Missy, a hug …"
Baldy Li rushed forward and grabbed him again, then quietly reasoned with him: "Lin Hong can't hug you because she wants to hug me. If she hugs me, she will be a first lady, but if she hugs you, she will be an idiot lady."
With Baldy Li grabbing him, the love-crazed idiot found himself unable to continue pursuing Lin Hong. He became very angry and proceeded to punch Baldy Li in his left eye so hard that he cried out in pain. Baldy Li seized the idiots clothing from behind and gestured to his thirteen other minions, commanding, "Quick, take him away."
The idiot couldn't understand why he was now suddenly unable to pursue Lin Hong. He began to flail his arms madly like a drowning man. The thirteen loyal minions all rushed forward, the five deaf men in front, the remaining three idiots following confusedly behind, and the two cripples hobbling after them; even the four blind men realized that something had happened and were approaching slowly, tapping their canes. Baldy Li's five deaf and two crippled loyal minions helped wrestle the love-crazed idiot to the ground. The two noninfatuated idiot minions stood to the side laughing idiotically, and the four blind loyal minions stood in a row like four workers on a picket line, rhythmically tapping their canes on the ground. When the infatuated idiot found himself on the ground, he screamed like a pig at the slaughterhouse, "Missy, a hug …"
Baldy Li's attempt to court Lin Hong by the stratagem of laying siege at the outskirts of the city therefore had to conclude in a hurry. Covering his left eye with one hand, Baldy Li gestured for his thirteen loyal minions to drag the infatuated idiot back to the Good Works Factory. As before, the two cripples led the way, followed by the five deaf men and two idiots dragging their love-crazed counterpart, with the four blind men following closely behind. Even as he was being dragged away, the infatuated idiot continued to cry out "Missy" and "hug me." The five deaf men had to continuously wipe his spittle from their faces, as did the other two idiots. The two idiots, not entirely clear where the spittle was coming from, lifted their heads and looked curiously at the sky, unable to understand why their faces were so wet.