by Yu Hua
He'd then vow, I will get myself an extra-large Eternity bicycle, with the classic beauties Xi Shi sitting in front, Diao Chan behind me, Wang Zhaojun in my lap, and Yang Guifei perched on my back. With these four beauties I will ride for fucking forty-nine days, riding from the present into the past and back again. If I feel like it, I might even decide to ride into the future…
Once Lin Hong and Song Gang's affair was finally made public, the town's biggest romantic cliff-hanger was finally resolved, thereby breaking the hearts of all the remaining bachelors. Each of them went in search of other single women, and as a result, the amorous activity in Liu Town abruptly blossomed like spring bamboo after a shower, sweetening the streets and alleys of Liu and making it so the elders couldn't even take it all in. They counted on their fingers and said, "It looks like everyone has a woman … everyone except Baldy Li. Hasn't he landed anyone yet?"
The townspeople rarely saw Baldy Li out in the street, but when they did, he seemed to have lost a lot of weight, as if he had been gravely ill.
The night after his unsuccessful suicide, Song Gang had seized his happiness and walked out the door. Baldy Li cursed him furiously for an hour, then snored furiously for eight hours. When he woke up the next morning and saw that Song Gang's bed was still empty, he searched the room inside and out but couldn't find any evidence that Song Gang had returned. He tsk-tsked Song Gang, not realizing that his brother had spent the entire night standing guard in front of Lin Hong's house. Believing that Song Gang was merely trying to avoid him, he snorted, "You may be able to avoid me for a night, but you can't avoid me your entire life."
The next day Song Gang still had not returned home. That night Baldy Li sat at the table dreaming up one plot after another to enact against his brother but had to discard them all because they didn't strike him as sufficiently diabolical. He finally came up with a tear-jerking scheme that would consist of grabbing Song Gang's arm and then, in a rain of tears and snot, recalling their childhood together. As youngsters he and Song Gang had been as thick as thieves, given that they were both orphans and needed to rely on each other for survival. Baldy Li was confident that if he did this, Song Gang would surely bow his head in humiliation and return Lin Hong to him. Baldy Li was very proud of this plot and was convinced that it was truly diabolical. He waited up half the night, until he couldn't stop yawning and his eyelids were battling each other, but when Song Gang still hadn't returned, Baldy Li finally had no choice but to go to bed, cursing nonstop. Before retiring, he looked around and thought to himself that what they said was true: You can take the monk out of the temple, but you can't take the temple out of the monk—so sooner or later this monk would have to come home again, whereupon Baldy Li could try out his tear-jerking scheme.
When Baldy Li got home from work two days later and saw the money and the key on the table, he understood that something momentous had occurred and that the monk would not be returning to the temple after all. He was so furious that he stalked in circles around the house, trying out every single curse word in the Chinese language. He didn't stop there but went on to use all the Japanese curse words he had learned from movies about the War of Resistance. He wanted to use some American curse words too, but since he didn't know a single one, he had no choice but to sit mutely on the side of his bed and stare into space. He felt that he had underestimated his brother. Song Gang had studied that tattered half copy of Sunzi's Art of War, and before Baldy Li had a chance to try out his scheme, Song Gang had already employed what Sunzi himself had called the last and best of the thirty-six stratagems: leaving.
That night, Baldy Li suffered from insomnia for the first time in his life, and for the next month he found himself constantly tired and without appetite. He lost weight and the urge to speak, though out in the streets he still appeared majestic and commanding. He ran into Song Gang several times, but Song Gang always scurried out of the way before he approached. He also encountered Lin Hong, but she was always with Song Gang, affectionately grasping his hand. Soon after, Song Gang started riding around on his Eternity bicycle with Lin Hong sitting in back. By this point, Baldy Li no longer felt sad but, rather, that he had thoroughly lost face.
The people of Liu Town were blessed with good memories, and they all remembered exactly what Baldy Li had proclaimed when he beat up those two amorous impostors. Baldy Li had boasted that he would beat anyone who dared claim to be Lin Hong's boyfriend so badly that he would never make it back for another incarnation. Therefore, some young rascals, whenever they encountered Baldy Li in the street, would taunt him, "Wasn't Lin Hong your girlfriend? How is it that, in the blink of an eye, she suddenly became Song Gang's?"
Upon hearing this, Baldy Li would respond furiously, "If he weren't Song Gang, I would have slaughtered him long ago! I would have carried his head on a pole and gone off to roam the rivers and seas! But who is Song Gang? Song Gang is my brother, to whom I have sworn my life. So I have no choice but to grit my teeth and swallow my anger."
The welt on Song Gang's neck from his suicide attempt took more than a month to heal, and whenever Lin Hong thought about it, her eyes would immediately well up with tears. She told her parents the true circumstances behind his suicide attempt and couldn't resist telling some of her closest friends at the factory as well. Lin Hongs parents and those friends at the factory then told other friends, and soon tens, hundreds, and even thousands of people knew about it as the story of Song Gangs suicide attempt spread around town like a virus. The women of Liu were extremely envious of Lin Hong, and all of them went to ask their current or future husbands, "Would you commit suicide for me?"
The men of Liu were utterly miserable. Not only did they have to feign sincerity and swear, "I would, I would, I would," but they also had to put on a good show of being heroes who would face death without fear. The women of Liu repeatedly asked the same question, and their men would give the same answer a hundred times over, or at the very least five or six. A few of the men came under such pressure that they had no alternative but to tie a noose around their own necks or place a knife to their wrists, solemnly vowing, "Just give the command, and I will kill myself."
Meanwhile Poet Zhao was still unencumbered by love. With his former girlfriend off cavorting with another, and his future girlfriends still with their current boyfriends, he found himself in a loveless period of his life. He therefore gloated over the misfortune of the other townsmen, secretly convinced that it was their own fault. He bragged that he would never find a girlfriend who would make him want to commit suicide but, rather, would find one willing to commit suicide for him. He announced proudly, "Consider famous beauties such as Lady Meng Jiang and Zhu Yingtai. In all the great love stories, its always the woman who dies for her lover."
Poet Zhao therefore felt that he and Baldy Li could definitely commiserate, insofar as they had both been kicked onto their asses by Lin Hong. From the time of Writer Liu's beating, Poet Zhao had avoided Baldy Li, though the past few times they had run into each other on the street, Baldy Li had nodded to him. Poet Zhao felt that he was safe now, and he started trying to get closer to Baldy Li. Seeing him approaching on the street, poet Zhao would greet Baldy Li loudly: "Director Li, how have you been recently?"
"Awful," Baldy Li replied irritably.
Poet Zhao laughed and patted Baldy Li's shoulder. In front of the passersby he started talking nonstop about how Baldy Li should not have rescued Song Gang when he hanged himself; how Song Gang, the moment he was rescued, proceeded to steal Baldy Li's Lin Hong from him; and if Song Gang hadn't been rescued … "Perhaps the pendulum of love would have swung back again toward you?"
Baldy Li was very displeased by Poet Zhao's remarks and wondered how this turtle spawn dared to wish that Song Gang had died. Completely oblivious to Baldy Li's growing fury, Poet Zhao prattled on, pleased with his own cleverness. "This is like the story of the farmer and the snake. When the farmer saw a frozen snake in the road, he picked it up and placed it against his chest. After the sn
ake thawed out, it bit the farmer and killed him."
In the end, Poet Zhao completely forgot himself and pointed at Baldy Li, saying, "You are that farmer, and Song Gang is that snake."
Baldy Li exploded, grabbing Poet Zhao by the collar and screaming, "You are that fucking farmer, and you're also that fucking snake!"
Poet Zhao's face went ashen with surprise, and he watched as Baldy Li raised the fist with which he had terrorized Liu Town. Poet Zhao immediately grasped Baldy Li's fist with both hands and pleaded, "Don't be angry, Director Li. Please don't be angry. I meant well. I was looking out for you."
Baldy Li hesitated a moment, then decided that Poet Zhao did seem as if he meant well. Therefore, he lowered his fist, let go of Poet Zhao's collar, and warned him, "You fucking listen. Song Gang is my brother, and even if it were the end of the world, he would still be my brother. If you fucking dare say another bad word about him, I swear I'll …"
Baldy Li paused for a moment, hesitating over whether to use beat or slaughter, and ultimately came firmly down on the side of slaughter: "I'll slaughter you."
Poet Zhao nodded as if in agreement, then turned and left. He was thinking that he must put some distance between himself and this heathen. After scurrying away ten paces, he noticed that everyone in the street was laughing at him. Therefore, he immediately slowed down, trying to make it look as if he was completely unhurried. He sighed, then said to the onlookers, "You can never win, can you?"
As Baldy Li watched Poet Zhao walk away he suddenly remembered the vow he had made while beating Writer Liu. Immediately he waved Poet Zhao back, saying, "Come back! Get the fuck back here!"
Poet Zhao's heart froze, but he was too embarrassed simply to run away in front of so many people. He therefore paused, and in order to maintain an appearance of unconcern, he slowly turned around. Baldy Li continued to beckon him, and warmly said, "Quick, come back. I still haven't helped you regain your true laborer colors."
Sensing the crowds anticipation and recognizing that he was in a bad way, Poet Zhao began to feel his heart pounding wildly. In a burst of inspiration, he waved his hand and demurred, "Some other time, perhaps."
As he said this Poet Zhao pointed at his head and explained, "I just had an idea for a poem and want to hurry home to write it down. Otherwise, it'll be gone forever."
When he heard about Poet Zhao's inspiration, Baldy Li waved him away. The crowds were disappointed and complained to Baldy Li, "How could you let him go?"
Baldy Li watched Poet Zhao walk away, then remarked calmly to the onlookers, "Poet Zhao has it hard, as it is even more difficult for his brain to conceive an idea than it would be for his belly to conceive a child."
As he said this Baldy Li walked away with a magnanimous expression. When he passed the fabric store, Lin Hong was inside, happily chatting with the clerk while picking out fabric to make clothes for herself and Song Gang. But Baldy Li didn't notice her, nor did he realize that she and Song Gang were preparing for their wedding.
CHAPTER 37
FOR THEIR wedding day, Lin Hong reserved seven tables at the People s Restaurant and planned to invite friends and relatives from both the bride s and the grooms sides to join them for their wedding banquet. She wrote her guests’ names down on a sheet of paper and gave Song Gang another sheet and asked him to do the same. He raised the pen as if he were lifting a heavy weight, and after what seemed like an eternity he had still not managed to write down a single name. Finally he stammered that he only had one relative in the world, and that was Baldy Li. When Lin Hong heard this, she was very displeased. "Aren't I your relative?"
Song Gang shook his head, saying that was not what he meant. He lovingly reassured her, "You are my closest relative."
Lin Hong laughed happily and said, "And you are mine."
He took up his pen again but found himself still unable to set down a single name. He carefully asked Lin Hong if he could invite Baldy Li to attend the wedding banquet, explaining that although they hadn't seen each other recently, they were still brothers. He repeatedly insisted that if she didn't agree, he would definitely not invite Baldy Li. In the end, Lin Hong finally said, "Go ahead and invite him."
Lin Hong saw the look of delight on Song Gang's face and laughed. "Write it down."
After Song Gang wrote Baldy Li's name down on the blank sheet of paper, he quickly added the names of all his fellow factory workers. After a moment's hesitation, he also wrote down Writer Liu's name. Afterward, Song Gang filled out the red invitation cards based on the names they had agreed upon. Lin Hong leaned her head on his shoulder, watching the beautifully written characters flow from the tip of his pen, and sighed. "Beautiful. Your handwriting is just beautiful."
That afternoon Song Gang took the invitations, rode his shiny Eternity bicycle to the fork in the road, and waited there for Baldy Li to get off work. Song Gang sat on his bike and rested one leg on a wutong tree to maintain his balance. When Baldy Li approached, Song Gang did not try to ride away as usual but instead began calling out enthusiastically. Song Gangs warmth confused his brother, who turned around and looked behind him, thinking that Song Gang was speaking to someone else. When Baldy Li approached, he heard Song Gang calling out his name. "Baldy Li!"
Baldy Li pointed to himself and asked, "Are you talking to me?"
Song Gang nodded. Baldy Li looked up at the sky and feigned puzzlement, remarking sarcastically, "But pigs aren't flying yet."
Song Gang laughed in embarrassment. Baldy Li watched him as he sat on his Eternity bicycle, his right foot resting against the wutong tree, looking very cocky. Baldy Li became more and more envious, saying, "Fuck, you look just like a celestial immortal."
Song Gang jumped off the bike, held the handlebars, and invited Baldy Li to climb on and be a celestial immortal for a while. Baldy Li had never ridden a bicycle before, and had never even sat on the back of someone else's. Nevertheless, he looked like an old hand as he threw his leg over the crossbar, though after he sat down he didn't know what to do next. His body first leaned to the right and then to the left. His hands, as stiff as two sticks, grasped the handles as if they were a rope that had been thrown to rescue him. Song Gang grasped the bicycle's back wheel between his legs and urged Baldy Li to relax and hold the handlebar straight. Then he began pushing from behind. At first Baldy Li's body rocked back and forth, and Song Gang had to reach out to steady him and keep him from falling over. Gradually Baldy Li started to get a feel for the bike and was able to maintain his balance. With Song Gang pushing faster and faster, Baldy Li didn't even have to pedal. Song Gang began to run, making Baldy Li feel as though he were flying over the streets of Liu. Baldy Li cried out excitedly, "What a strong wind! What a strong wind!"
Song Gang was sprinting and soon was covered in sweat and struggling to catch his breath. He ran so hard his eyes glazed over and he began frothing at the mouth. The wind blew past Baldy Li's ears, through his clothes, and flowed smoothly over his bald head. He gestured to Song Gang, saying, "Faster, faster. Run faster!"
Song Gang pushed the bike down the street until he felt he couldn't run another step. He gradually slowed to a stop and once again grasped the back tire between his legs, supporting Baldy Li as he climbed down. Then Song Gang squatted down and panted for about half an hour. Baldy Li, however, was eager for more. He caressed Song Gang's Eternity bicycle with both hands and recalled the sweet feeling of wind rushing past him. He then looked down at Song Gang, panting helplessly, and it was only then that he realized that Song Gang had been pushing him the entire way. He squatted down as if he were trying to help Song Gang catch his breath and gently patted his back. Baldy Li said to him, "Song Gang, you are extraordinary. You are truly an ignition engine incarnate." Then Baldy Li added regretfully, "Its too bad that you are not a real engine. If you were, then I could bike all the way to Shanghai."
Song Gang smiled as he panted. Holding his belly, he stood up and said, "Baldy Li, in the future you too will have a bicycle of your own, and at th
at point we can bike to Shanghai together."
Baldy Li's eyes were as bright and shiny as Song Gangs Eternity bicycle. He patted his bald head and said, "That's right, I will eventually have a bicycle of my own, and then we can bike to Shanghai together."
After a brief hesitation, Song Gang announced uncertainly, "Baldy Li, Lin Hong and I are getting married."
As he was saying this Song Gang handed Baldy Li the invitation and asked him to come to their wedding banquet. Baldy Li's exultant expression immediately turned dark. Refusing the invitation, he slowly turned and walked away. As he left he said sadly, "The rice is already cooked. What is there to celebrate?"
Song Gang stared after him as Baldy Li walked away, and the fraternal affection that they had momentarily regained dissipated like a wisp of smoke. Song Gang pushed his bicycle down the street with a heavy heart, forgetting even to ride it. He returned to Lin Hong's home, took out the invitation, and placed it on the table. When Lin Hong saw that he had brought Baldy Li's invitation back with him, she remarked, "So Baldy Li won't be coming?"
Song Gang nodded and said uneasily, "It seems as if he still hasn't given up hope."
Lin Hong snorted. "The rice is already cooked. What kind of hope is he holding on to?"
Song Gang heard this with surprise, wondering how it was that she and Baldy Li had used the same expression.
Of the seven banquet tables Lin Hong and Song Gang reserved at the People's Restaurant, Lin Hong's guests occupied six and Song Gang's just one. Baldy Li didn't attend. Neither did Writer Liu. While Liu suggested that he was disdainful of attending Song Gang's wedding banquet, the real reason was that he was simply too cheap—if he had come, he would have had to give the newlyweds a red envelope full of money. Liu stuck out his pinkie and said that Song Gang was an inconsequential person and he made it a practice never to impose on the hospitality of inconsequential people. However, he suggested he would condescend to visit Song Gangs new matrimonial quarters and take a look around, and he would offer his congratulations during the traditional festivities to be held there. All of Song Gangs workmates from the factory attended, and they happened to fill up precisely one table. The wedding banquet began at six that evening. Every table had ten dishes, including chicken, duck, fish, and pork. The guests drank fourteen bottles of baijiu liquor and twenty-eight bottles of rice wine. Eleven of the guests got slightly tipsy, seven of them got half drunk, and three got completely wasted. The three who got wasted each crawled under a separate table and started vomiting, inducing the seven guests who were only half drunk to start vomiting as well. The eleven tipsy guests also got into the mood, opening their mouths and letting out eleven different flavors of belches. As a result, Liu Towns most distinguished banquet hall in the People s Restaurant was left in complete disarray, smelling like a fertilizer factory. In the end, the air was so full of foul odors that it became impossible to catch a trace of the fragrant banquet dishes themselves.