by Yu Hua
With the bankbook in her hand, Lin Hong stood there staring blankly. How much money was one hundred thousand yuan? She had never before even thought of this number. She noticed various passersby staring at the bankbook and jumped in alarm before collecting herself. She quickly hurried home, but as she was about to go inside she abruptly changed her mind. Baldy Li's CFO had instructed her not to tell Song Gang, and therefore she turned around and went to the bank and withdrew about two thousand yuan, deciding to take Song Gang to the hospital the very next day. Then she slowly headed home, with memories of the grinning Baldy Li flooding her mind. She decided that Baldy Li was actually a very good man and that she had been wrong to have despised him.
CHAPTER 59
LESS THAN two months after Writer Liu first enjoyed his moment of fame, he noticed that he had become passé. It seemed as if no one noticed him anymore, and the royalty checks also stopped arriving. He became indignant, feeling that he had single-handedly created Baldy Li's current supercelebrity status, while he himself, by contrast, had been promptly forgotten. Without exception, all of the reporters who arrived in town wanted to talk to Baldy Li and none even deigned to glance at Writer Liu. Once he pulled aside several reporters in the street and told them that he was the one who had written the original article about Baldy Li. They grunted but then hurried on to interview Baldy Li, afraid that if they arrived late, they would miss their turn for the day.
Finding himself once again without an income or an audience, Writer Liu wandered the streets wearing a wrinkled suit, with a straggly beard, and disheveled hair. His black shoes were so coated in dust that they had become gray. Since the out-of-towners ignored him, he turned instead to the townspeople themselves. He'd pull a local aside and prattle on endlessly, describing how Baldy Li had achieved his fame as the result of his own tremendous contributions. Writer Liu's rants would always conclude with the same phrase: "I have expended all my efforts embroidering someone else's wedding gown."
Writer Liu's rantings soon spread all over town until finally they reached the ears of Baldy Li. Saying, "I want to teach him some manners," he had his underlings go and fetch Writer Liu.
When Baldy Li's underlings found Writer Liu, he was standing in the middle of the street munching on an apple. They walked over and told him that Baldy Li wanted to see him. Liu was so excited that he started to choke on his apple. He bent over, his face completely red, and then, coughing and thumping his chest, he followed Baldy Li's two underlings. He continued thumping his chest all the way to the entrance of Baldy Li's headquarters, whereupon he finally succeeded in coughing up the piece of apple that had gotten lodged in his throat. Panting and wiping his tears as if he had just returned from the dead, Writer Liu told the underlings, "I know why Boss Li wants to see me. I've been waiting for his call. I know what kind of person Boss Li is. When Boss Li drinks water, he doesn't forget the person who brought it from the well."
When Writer Liu entered Baldy Li's thousand-square-foot office, Baldy Li was on the phone with someone discussing business. Writer Liu looked about, exclaiming and sighing, and when Baldy Li finally got off the phone, Writer Liu said with a broad smile, "I had long heard how magnificent your office was, and now I see that its reputation is well deserved. I have visited the county governor's office, and although his is big, it is a mere bathroom compared to yours."
Baldy Li's cold gaze extinguished Writer Liu's excitement. Baldy Li scowled. "I hear that you have been spreading rumors."
Writer Liu turned pale and started shaking his head and saying repeatedly, "No, no, not at all…"
"Fuck." Baldy Li pounded the table. "Fuck."
As Writer Liu heard these two "fucks," his entire body started to shake. He thought this was surely the end. Baldy Li was at the height of his powers, and if he wanted to get rid of Writer Liu, he could do so as easily as squashing a fly Baldy Li laughed coldly and asked, "What have you been saying? Is it true you said you made my wedding gown?"
Writer Liu nodded and bowed, saying, "I'm sorry, Boss Li, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that."
Baldy Li tugged at his suit and asked, "Is this the wedding gown you made me?"
Writer Liu shook his head repeatedly. "No, no …"
"Do you know what brand this is?" Baldy Li said proudly. "This is an Armani. And do you know who Armani is? He's Italian, and the world's most famous designer. Do you know how much this suit cost?"
Writer Liu started to shake his head. "Very expensive. Certainly very expensive."
Baldy Li held up two fingers: "Two million lira."
Writer Liu heard "two million" and was so astounded that his knees started to wobble. How could this bumpkin know what a lira was? He was just convinced that foreign money was more expensive than Chinese money. He shouted, "Two fucking million!"
Baldy Li saw Writer Liu's look of astonishment and smiled slightly, saying, "I'll give you some advice: You should watch your mouth."
Writer Liu continued nodding. "Yes, yes, I certainly will. As they say, loose lips sink ships, so I'll certainly watch mine."
After Baldy Li had shown Writer Liu some severity, his expression abruptly changed and he said amicably, "Won't you have a seat?"
For a second Writer Liu didn't know how to respond, so Baldy Li again invited him to sit down. Only then did Liu carefully sit, whereupon Baldy Li said cordially, "I read that article you wrote. You are a fucking genius. How in the world did you come up with the idea of that key?"
Writer Liu let out a sigh of relief and said happily, "That was sheer inspiration."
"Inspiration?" Baldy Li thought that was too deep for him. "Don't use such fucking abstract concepts. Speak more directly."
Writer Liu chuckled knowingly and, turning his head toward Baldy Li, confided, "I also used to peek at women's bottoms in the public toilet, so I have some experience in these matters."
"Really? You've done it, too?" Baldy Li asked excitedly. "What kind of experience?"
"I used a mirror." Writer Liu stood up and started to demonstrate. "I would position it so that I could look at their bottoms in the mirror. That way I wouldn't fall into the cesspool and also could watch and make sure no one else came in."
"Fuck." Baldy Li hit his forehead. "Why didn't I think of using a mirror?"
"But at least you were able to see Lin Hong's bottom," Writer Liu said fawningly "The only one I was able to see was that of Blacksmith Tongs wife."
"Fuck," Baldy Li said again, his eyes glimmering. "You are truly a fucking genius. I have three loves in life: money, genius, and women. You bastard, therefore, exemplify my second love. My company has now grown large, and large companies need a media spokesman. I think that you, bastard, are a perfect candidate for this position."
With that, Writer Liu became Baldy Li's official PR person. When the townspeople of Liu saw him again a few days later, he was no longer a country bumpkin but was now decked out in a stylish suit, polished shoes, a white shirt with a red tie, and neatly combed hair. Whenever Baldy Li got out of his Santana, Writer Liu, who was now known as PR Liu, would be right at his heels. PR Liu took to heart Baldy Li's advice that he watch his mouth, and from that point on the people of Liu found that getting any dirt out of him was tougher than pulling teeth. PR Liu privately told friends, "I can't speak as freely as I used to, because I am now Boss Li's mouthpiece."
Baldy Li had not misjudged Writer Liu. When he wasn't supposed to speak, you couldn't beat a word out of him with a stick; when he was, pearls streamed from his lips. When everyone was taking great delight in some sex scandal involving Baldy Li, Writer Liu came out and issued a correction: "Boss Li is a bachelor, and when a bachelor sleeps with a woman, that is not a scandal. What is a scandal? A scandal is when a husband sleeps with someone else's wife, or when a wife sleeps with someone else's husband."
Townspeople asked, "If someone else's wife sleeps with Baldy Li, does that count as a scandal?"
"That would indeed be a scandal." Writer Liu nodded. "But a scandal for so
meone else. Boss Li's hands would be clean."
Writer Liu's response on the scandal reached Baldy Li, who said approvingly, "That little bastard is absolutely right. For a bachelor like myself, even if I were to sleep with countless women from antiquity to the present, from China and abroad, it still wouldn't constitute a scandal."
After Writer Liu accepted his appointment as PR Liu, his first task was to deal with Baldy Li's vast mountain of mail. These letters came from every corner of the country and were all from self-avowed virgins. The thought of a multimillionaire who had never experienced love or met an honest-to-goodness virgin captured the imagination of countless women, leading them to write him letters professing their undying devotion. Young girls and young wives, mothers and prostitutes, city gals and country lasses, middle-school, high-school, and M.A. and Ph.D. students, even a lady professor all claimed to be virgins. Furthermore, they all either hinted or stated outright that they wanted to offer Baldy Li their hymens, which they had carefully preserved up to this point.
Every day the postman would deliver a huge sack of mail, and then a couple of burly young fellows from Baldy Li's company would drag the bag from the mailroom to Writer Liu's—or, rather, PR Liu's—office. PR Liu worked diligently. His office was right next door to Baldy Li's, and, like Baldy Li, he became so busy that he only had time to sleep two or three hours a night. He read through the vast pile of virgins’ letters, selecting a few of the better ones to read out loud to Baldy Li. Baldy Li was so busy that he barely had time to take a breath, so PR Liu had to seize whatever free moment Baldy Li happened to have. For instance, he would read a bit while Baldy Li was taking a piss, a bit more when he was taking a shit, and a bit more while he was having dinner. When Baldy Li went out, PR Liu followed behind, reading him a choice excerpt or two. When Baldy Li got into his sedan, Liu would also squeeze in and continue reading. When Baldy Li returned home in the middle of the night and lay down in bed, PR Liu would stand next to his bed reading; and when Baldy Li fell asleep, Liu would lie down at his feet and sleep as well. When Baldy Li woke up, PR Liu would immediately spring to his feet and continue reading as Baldy Li brushed his teeth, washed his face, and ate his breakfast. He continued reading right up until Baldy Li reached his office and became occupied with other matters, and only then would he rush off to brush his own teeth, wash his own face, and eat his own breakfast. Then he would bury himself again in the mountain of letters, struggling to get through each new batch that arrived with the days mail.
PR Liu became Baldy Li's shadow, and the virgins’ letters titillated Baldy Li to no end. When he thought of there being so many hymens throughout the country, lined up like a Great Wall of troops waiting for him, Baldy Li couldn't help excitedly scratching his thighs with both hands. The letters PR Liu picked were the most brilliant and moving ones, and Baldy Li's eyes would glitter as he listened to them. He was like a child in nursery school, crying out innocently at every turn, "Really? Really?"
Later Baldy Li found that he couldn't get away from these virgins’ letters; they had become his spiritual sustenance. He became addicted to them as if they were amphetamines, and whenever he felt tired, he would have PR Liu read him a passage, after which he would immediately be able to throw himself back into his work. While he was being interviewed or was discussing business, he would often develop an irresistible craving and would have to sneak out and have PR Liu read him another letter. Only then would the reinvigorated Baldy Li be able to sit back down with the reporters or business partners. During that period, he would often forget that his public relations director was called PR Liu and instead would call him simply Virgin Letter. PR Liu was human, however, and therefore periodically also had to go to the bathroom to take a piss or shit. And if sometimes, when Baldy Li needed a hit of his spiritual heroin and couldn't immediately locate PRLiu, he would stand in the middle of the hall and call out frantically, "Virgin Letter, where are you? Where the fuck have you gone?"
At that point, PR Liu would dash out of the bathroom, holding up his pants with one hand and a letter with the other, and start reading aloud.
CHAPTER 60
THE REPORTERS swept in and retreated like a tidal wave, all in the space of three months. During that time, Baldy Li flitted about like a social butterfly, until one day he suddenly noticed that the reporters were gone. Although there was still a steady stream of people coming to town to discuss business with him, suddenly there were no more reporters, and Baldy Li was finally able to relax a bit. Feeling as though he had been relieved of a heavy burden, he said that now he could finally sleep like a normal person. The first night, as soon as his head hit the pillow, he slept eighteen hours straight. Even after waking up when PR Liu called him on the phone, he complained that he hadn't slept enough. PR Liu himself had slept for seventeen hours and also complained that he hadn't slept enough. As both men lazed about in their beds, PR Liu read Baldy Li virgin letters for two hours until he heard thunderous snores on the other end of the line. Only then did Liu put down the virgin letters, and as soon as he closed his eyes he immediately started snoring as well. Baldy Li and PR Liu each slept for five more hours, and both sported puffy and bloodshot eyes when they saw each other at the office the next day.
For the next week, Baldy Li lounged on the couch in his office, listening to PR Liu's hoarse voice read more letters. Although the virgins’ heartfelt letters still stimulated him like spiritual heroin, he found it hard to adjust to the reporters’ sudden disappearance and became increasingly distracted. Interrupting PR Liu's reading, he wondered aloud, "Why did those bastards all vanish at the same time?"
PR Liu stood in front of Baldy Li's couch and explained that that was the nature of the media—bastards, each and every one of them, flocking en masse toward whatever happened to be the latest hot spot. Like dogs, they pounced wherever there were bones.
Baldy Li abruptly sat up and said, "And do you mean that I, Baldy Li, am no longer a bone?"
PR Liu stammered in response, "Boss Li, you shouldn't speak of yourself in that way."
Baldy Li lay down again on the couch and dispiritedly continued listening to the latest virgins’ letters. He was lost in thought, and after listening to Liu read for a while, he suddenly sat up, face flushed with excitement, and cried out, "No, I insist on being a bone."
The continuous flow of virgin letters had given Baldy Li an inspiration, and he announced that he was going to host a National Hymen Olympic Games. When PR Liu heard this, his eyes opened wide in amazement, whereupon Baldy Li gushed ideas while walking back and forth through his office. He uttered the word fucking more than twenty times. He was going to make those fucking reporters come running back like mad dogs. He wanted the fucking television reporters to broadcast his Hymen Olympics live and also to have it streamed live on the fucking Internet. He wanted the fucking sponsors to open up their fucking checkbooks and take out their fucking money, and to have fucking ads for the games plastered all over the streets and alleys. He wanted to have those fucking beauties wear bikinis and sashay up and down the street, and to have the fucking townspeople of Liu feast their fucking eyes on the spectacle. He wanted to establish a fucking Hymen Games organizing committee, find some fucking political leaders to serve as fucking chairmen and fucking deputy chairmen, and find ten fuckers to come serve as fucking judges. Pausing briefly at this point, he specified that the ten judges must all be male. Finally, he told PR Liu, "And you will be my fucking spokesman."
With pen and paper in hand, PR Liu quickly recorded Baldy Li's fucking instructions. Only after Baldy Li sat down on the couch to catch his breath did PR Liu speak, singing the praises of Baldy Li's brilliant scheme and proposing two very minor suggestions. First, he volunteered that it seemed somewhat inappropriate to call it a Hymen Olympic Games and asked whether they could change the name to Inaugural National Virgin Beauty Competition.
Baldy Li nodded. "That is a good suggestion."
PR Liu then suggested that perhaps it was somewhat inappropr
iate for all the judges to be men. Shouldn't they also have some female judges? Baldy Li, however, disagreed, and said with a wave of his hand, "I don't want any women. It is ultimately us men who decide which women are pretty or not, so what point is there in including women?"
PR Liu considered for a moment and suggested that there might be unfortunate ramifications if all the judges were men, because this might lead to debates and criticism in the media, ultimately becoming a topic that people would discuss endlessly.
"All the better!" Baldy Li shouted and added, "I want there to be controversy, and I want them to discuss this endlessly. That way I will always be a bone."
PR Liu sprang into action like a bolt of lightning, and the very next day he sent out press releases announcing the virgin competition. He spent the whole day on the phone placing calls to every corner of the country, confirming people to serve as chairmen and deputy chairmen of the organizing committee and also confirming the list of ten judges.
Baldy Li also called up a storm, phoning all those chairmen of the board and trustees who had previously discussed business with him in order to nail down sponsors and advertisers. Finally he called up County Governor Tao Qing and, after telling him about his glorious plan, asked Tao to make the main street of Liu Town available for hosting the proposed Inaugural National Virgin Beauty Competition. Nearly drooling, Baldy Li sketched out his vision: "More than a thousand beauties will come to Liu from throughout China to participate in the competition, and every fucking one of them will be a virgin. The biggest gathering place in the county is the movie theater, but it only has eight hundred fucking seats and therefore won't even be enough to hold all the beautiful virgins, much less us and the other political leaders. Even the judges wouldn't have seats. You wouldn't want us to have to sit in the virgins’ laps, would you? And then there is the question of the fucking spectators who will want to come see the virgins. Naturally, the only option would be to hold it in the street."