by H. M. Ward
I shake my head frantically, jerking my hands out of his. "No, I don't want to call anyone. I can’t. I can do this by myself. I have to. It’s just hard." My voice is rising, and I know I must sound hysterical.
“Everyone thinks they understand, but they can’t. They have no clue, none at all. There are no breaks. There's no one to tell when CJ does something cute or silly. There’s no one to share with, the good or the bad.
“He must hate me, Daniel. I’ve been pinning him down to force-feed him his medicine. It breaks my heart, but I don’t know how else to do it. He must hate me. When he pushes me away, I die inside. When a kid is mad at one parent, they’re supposed to be able to run to the other – but CJ has no one to run to." My voice is so screechy by the time I finish that I sound mental. I just dumped my heart out on the lawn boy. What the hell is wrong with me? I clutch my face and shove away the tears. I just want someone to know that I'm trying. I'm trying to be both mommy and daddy, and on days like today I feel like I'm failing miserably. Choking back sobs, I try to hold myself together. The past few days have taken their toll and I'm coming apart at the seams.
"Hey now, it’s okay. CJ needs you as much as you need him. You guys will be fine, you’ve just hit a rough patch.” Daniel wipes the tears from my cheeks and tips his head to the side. He holds on a beat too long, watching me too closely, before releasing me. His gaze drops and when they flick back up he seems like he’s made a decision. “Listen, if you won't let me call anyone, why don't you let me watch him for a little while? You can get a nap in, and you'll feel better.”
The auto-responder in my brain speaks for me. “No, I can’t ask you to do that.” I glance at Daniel and then down at the baby.
“If you don't take care of yourself, you won't be able to take care of CJ and he needs you."
Suddenly nervous, I start to stammer, "I can't. It’s okay, Daniel. Besides, I'm sure you have plenty of things to do." I'm embarrassed that he's seen even this much of the house, and I shudder to think what he'll see if he ventures any further inside.
He grins and folds his tanned arms over his muscular chest. “I’m not leaving.”
“Yes, you are. I’m fine now. See?” I flash him a fake smile that’s all teeth.
He laughs. “You hate asking for help. I get that, believe me, I get that—but there are times when you need it and you have no choice in the matter. Today, my friend, you are getting help from Dan the lawn man.. End of story.”
I’m tempted. I’m so tempted, but he hasn’t sold me yet. I can’t leave him alone with CJ. "Do you even know how to take care of a baby?"
"Stop," he says commandingly, and my eyes fly up to meet his. Daniel puts a hand on my back, gently pushing me towards the stairs. "Go, Genevieve. Take a nap, get some real rest. And yes, I know how to take care of a baby. I have a little sister. I've got this, I promise." Without another word, he turns and holds out his arms for CJ. My son, the little merciful traitor, lifts his hands up and Daniel takes him from the playpen and balances him on his hip. “Go on, Genevieve. We’re good here.” They head to the kitchen, chattering softly.
Defeated, I give in. Heading up the stairs, I try to decide if I’d rather take a shower or a nap. The two-day scent makes me drag my lead-filled legs to the bathroom. It's the first time in I'm not sure how long that I've been able to wash up without worrying about CJ being alone in the house. While I undress, I can hear Daniel talking to CJ through the baby monitor.
"Hey, buddy," he says, his voice low and soothing, much like it was earlier when he was talking to me. CJ was still whimpering when I went upstairs. Now I can hear his little hiccup breaths which slow and finally stop, as Daniel talks to him. "You are running your mama ragged, do you know that? She hates that you aren't feeling good, did you know that? Your mama loves you so much. She’d do anything for you. You’re a lucky man to have a lady like that—very lucky."
He's talking to CJ like he's much older than he is, and I have to cover my mouth to hide the giggles that are bubbling up inside me. Boy, I really am sleep deprived if listening to him talk to my son has me so close to hysterics. Instead of getting into the shower, I listen intently to their conversation, my heart melting at the things he's saying.
"Poor guy, you've had it pretty rough this week, huh? I don't know exactly what's been bothering you, but I know your mom's looked more upset each time I've seen her. Today, when I came up the steps to let her know I was leaving, I could hear her crying. I bet you could tell she was sad, huh? I know it made me want to comfort her, so I'm sure you wanted to too. Is that why you were crying, buddy? You wanted to make your mom feel better, but you were stuck being sick? It sucks, doesn't it? Wanting to make someone feel better but not being able to is horrible, right?"
Daniel's voice fades as they leave CJ’s room, and I find myself wishing he'd taken the monitor with him so I could continue to listen in. In the few interactions we've had, Daniel's the only one who hasn't judged me. He's never given me his opinion though, so I don't really know what he thinks I should be doing.
Wondering about his motives and what he really wants, I finally get in the shower, practically moaning—okay, maybe there wasn't any practically about it—at the feel of the hot water sluicing over my body. I take my time washing my hair and putting conditioner in, something I hardly ever use because it takes extra time, and massage my scalp. I also take my time running the loofa over my skin, slowing when I run my hand over my scarred stomach. CJ was such a big baby. Some women get away with a few lines, but my skin looks like a roadmap. I tried coconut oil and stretch mark cream, but nothing made them fade. When I was Daniel’s age, my stomach was flat and my skin was smooth and supple. I trace one of the scars with the pad of my finger, watching the soap run down my mommy thighs.
The other night was weird, dancing with him like that. I think about it as I slather soap everywhere, breathing deeply in my attempt to activate the stress relief body wash. It doesn’t work all that well for me. Maybe I’m supposed to eat it to achieve the full effect. Mommies must be the reason there are so many silly warnings on consumer products.
I smile as my thoughts linger back to dancing with Daniel. I liked the way he held me, how safe I felt in his arms. At the end of the day, life is about relationships and being alone sucks. It was nice to have someone stick up for me and not try to pry their way into my thoughts. I giggle to myself. Maybe he has a crush on me. I know I’m seriously over-tired because I’m totally over analyzing this. He’s just really sweet, that’s all.
But, it didn’t go unnoticed that he said we were friends. I never thought of him that way, but I’m glad he said it. I’d help him in a second, I know I would. He’s just been around so long that I never noticed him. Life’s weird like that. I didn’t notice how much he’s grown up until the other night. I still saw him as the high school kid that Cade hired, all wiry and awkward. But he’s not that boy anymore. We’ve both changed, for better or worse. My head is tipped so I’m leaning against the tile, half asleep. If I slip and Daniel has to come pick me up, I’ll die. I’ve suffered enough embarrassment for one day. He could tell all his friends he helped some old lady out of the shower.
I look down at my breasts as I step out of the shower and pat dry. They’re no longer as firm as they once were, and they’ve lost some of their perky youthfulness. Babies make everything point south and round out. I never really thought about what CJ did to my body. Cade’s gone, and I haven’t been trying to impress anyone. But the thoughts linger as my fingers press against the slope of my chest, and for a second I miss my old body.
Where are these thoughts coming from? This isn’t like me! I don’t linger on things that will never be. So, why the sudden upset that my body has become a little softer and my skin isn’t as silky anymore? The marks across my stomach, and the smaller ones on the sides of my breasts, came with the best present in the world—CJ.
I brush aside my wishful thoughts as the random musings of an overtired mommy. I crawl into bed a
nd sink into the pillows. My eyes close and every thought flutters from my mind. Sleep finds me swiftly and carries me away.
Chapter 7
When I wake a few hours later, the first thing I notice is that it's pitch black in my bedroom. Jumping up, I start to panic because I don't hear any noise coming from CJ’s baby monitor before remembering Daniel is here. Once I realize that the two of them are probably downstairs, I relax. Placing a hand over my heart, I wait for my breath to slow and my heartbeat to get back to normal before heading for the stairs.
As I walk back down, I can hear Daniel murmuring and CJ's happy laughter in return. Slowing my steps, I enjoy the silence that's been absent the past few days, and the fact that the house doesn’t feel empty. When I reach the living room, I come to a complete stop, shocked at what I see. The toys that were all over the floor are gone, back in the toy box next to the couch, the clothes that were half-folded are now folded neatly in the basket on the chair, and the floor has been freshly swept and mopped.
I can't believe it. He cleaned my house. Shocked, I stand there turning slowly, taking it all in. Holy shit. The place is cleaner than when I do it. I pinch my arm to make sure I’m awake. This is unreal. Then it hits me, the smell. It’s not the noxious fumes of a neglected kitchen. Oh my God, is that bread?
Daniel's voice comes from the kitchen. My stomach is rumbling from the smell of the food wafting through the room and it draws me in. I stand in the doorway of the kitchen, in awe, again. Not only did he clean up the living room, he cleaned the kitchen too. The pots that were on the stove are gone, the surface sparkling. The sink is empty and the counters have been wiped down.
CJ is sitting in his highchair with Daniel sitting in front of him. He’s making train sounds as the spoon inches closer to CJ's mouth. My adorable boy is kicking his legs happily, a goofy smile on his face, as he tries to grab the spoon out of Daniel 's hand. Daniel is quick to move though, chuckling at the frown that flits across my son's face. When I start to walk into the room, CJ's eyes meet mine and his smile widens. He's obviously feeling better.
"Mama mama mamamamama," he babbles, earning a smile from me and a laugh from Daniel.
Noticing that CJ's attention has moved away from him, Daniel turns, a smile on his face. "Hey, Genevieve. Did you have a good nap? I think this little guy missed you. You seem like you feel better. Did you sleep well?"
All I can do is nod.
Every time he calls me by my full name, my chest squeezes. Cade was the only person to ever call me anything but Gen or Genny. He told me once that my name was beautiful and he rarely called me anything else. He always said that Gen was okay, but a beautiful girl like me should be called Genevieve. At the time, the thought made my knees weak, but now... now being called Genevieve just makes me weepy. I have to clear my throat before I speak. "Yes, I did. Thank you so much for cleaning up." My face heats, "You really didn't have to do that."
Daniel shrugs, "It was nothing. I'm glad I could help out." He turns back to the baby, continuing to feed him as he says, "There's chili on the stove if you're hungry, and some bread. We like to dip, don’t we CJ? Mmmmm, sauce." He smiles at the baby and they both dip a piece of bread into the baby’s food and take a bite. I blink. It’s adorable, and gross. Daniel ate mashed peas on a chunk of bread to make CJ smile. Daniel looks over at me. “He wanted my chili, but I got him to settle for the bread. He’s down with it as long as we dip together. Right, little man?” CJ giggles and bobs his head.
An unidentified emotion floods through my body, head to toe. It feels like admiration and something else. I can’t stop staring at them, at the way they sit and smile at each other. Oh my God, it’s the sweetest thing I’ve ever seen.
Daniel glances over at me. “Did I do something wrong?”
I blink and shake my head so frantically that it might fall off my shoulders. Holding up my hands, I say, “No! God, no. You did everything right. No one’s been this kind to me in a really long time. I don’t know what to say.”
His blue gaze is locked with mine. For a moment we stay like that, and something lightens in my chest. He finally drops his gaze and tips his head toward the pot of chili. “Then don’t say anything. Besides, we had fun, didn’t we CJ?”
I grab a bowl and sit at the table across from Daniel and the baby. As I eat, I watch them interact, and I'm relieved to see that Daniel does know what he's doing. He's patient, never getting upset when CJ spits his food out and it gets on his shirt or hands. Periodically, they pick up their bread and scream ‘dunk’ like it’s a war cry before munching, or in CJ’s case slobbering, on the bread.
When I realize that Daniel isn't eating anything else, I ask, "Have you eaten?"
Daniel shakes his head, "No, I'll get something in a few minutes, as soon as CJ is cleaned up."
"No, I can clean him up. You need to eat something. You were in the yard all day and then did all this. I bet you haven’t sat down for a second. Let me get you a bowl." I start to walk past him, back to the stove, but he grabs my arm, stopping me in my tracks.
"It's okay, really. I'm good. Let me take care of you guys, just this once, okay? I see how hard you work to make sure you're doing everything right, and you need to take care of yourself too. It's not going to do CJ any good if you get sick too."
I'm sure he doesn't mean for them to, but his words make me feel self-conscious. My heart twists in my chest and suddenly I’m aware of the fact that while I'm much more put together than I was when he walked in earlier, I'm still feeling frumpy with my yoga pants and t-shirt.
I look down, and it takes more effort than you’d think to move my eyes away from his sincere gaze, but I manage. Making a conscious effort to keep the sudden tears at bay, I slip out of his grasp and take the dirty dishes from supper to the sink.
I'm standing, scrubbing the bowl and spoon I used with much more force than necessary, when I feel him come up behind me. I can feel the heat of his body at my back, and I stiffen, unsure what he's doing. His fingers gently brush my hair away from my face, and back over my shoulder, causing me to shudder involuntarily.
"What just happened?" The concern in Daniel’s voice is evident.
I squeeze my eyes shut, my grip on the bowl in my hand tightening, and say nothing at first. When I continue to stand there with my eyes closed, I feel his hands wrap around mine, gently removing the bowl and laying it in the sink. Then, he turns me to face him, putting a finger under my chin and tipping my head up so that I have no choice but to look at him when I finally glance up.
His eyes are dark blue, the color of the sky at dusk and the total opposite of Cade's warm brown ones. I feel vulnerable like this. Something happens when Daniel studies me intently, his eyes moving back and forth between mine. It’s like he can see through me and I don’t like it. I try to squirm away.
"Did I do something?" he asks softly, looking genuinely perplexed.
“No.”
“Then what happened?”
“I don’t know.” I stand there, my heart pounding hard, as the truth spills over my lips. I really have no idea, but his words cut me. I don’t know why and I don’t understand.
His eyes flick back and forth between mine. “I think you do.”
“I just…” I can’t say it. The feeling finally forms into words and I stop speaking. I can’t tell him.
Daniel leans in closer. He’s a breath away, making my heart slap into my ribs. “You just?” He prompts me, lingering so close that I can feel the heat coming off his body.
I try to step back, and I bump into the counter. There’s no where to run, but I want to get away. I don’t like the things that are stirring within me. What does it mean? It can’t be what it feels like. The way my skin tingles when he’s near, the way I drink him in like I’m dying of thirst, the way his voice soothes me and excites me at the same time. I suck in a jagged breath and try to look down, but his hand is on my chin. I take it in mine and hold onto it so I don’t have to maintain the eye contact. My touch start
les him and we both look at our hands, and the way I slowly slide mine over his.
I swallow hard and say, “I just haven’t had anyone talk to me like that in a long time. That’s all.” I’m thinking about Cade, and he knows it. It was the tone Daniel used. I’m not always an easy woman to deal with. I can be opinionated and I like to do things my way. I’ll also run myself into the ground. Cade was the only person that ever tried to stop me. He always put me first and he told me when I was being stupid. Accepting help has always been one of my weaknesses because—in my mind—it means I’m weak.
As if he can read my mind, he says, “You’re made of strong stuff, but that doesn’t mean you have to do everything alone.” He raises a single brow at me. “This can be our little secret if you want to continue being super woman, saving the world all by yourself. I won’t tell anyone that you joined the top-secret-super-justice-alliance if you don’t.”
His words make me smile softly, a real smile. “I think you’re mixing DC and Marvel a little bit there.”
His jaw drops. “And she knows comics? Be still my heart.”
“And he knows poetry?” I smile shyly, looking at my feet and then back into his eyes.
“We’re a couple of—” his voice trails off and he shakes his head, grinning. An alarm goes off. It sounds like it’s coming from his pants.
“That’s a strange place to keep the Batphone.” I blush after I realize what I’ve said.
He laughs and then looks down at the screen. The smile falls off his lips. "Shit," he mutters, his brow furrowed.
"What is it?"
"Nothing.” He’s lying, but I don’t pry. “I didn't realize it was getting so late. Sorry, Genevieve, I should get going, I have an early class tomorrow." He grins sheepishly at me, before picking his truck keys up off the counter and leaning in to kiss my cheek lightly. "I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"
I nod dumbly as he walks out of the room, stopping to ruffle CJ’s hair and say, "See you tomorrow, buddy."