Reason to Believe (White Lace)

by Gina Gordon

  A couple of months ago I had decided to foster cats. I now had two who I’d keep until the shelter could find them a permanent home. I bent down, scratching Cynders on her head and running my hand across her back. Sadie hated the cats, which was why I didn’t tell her that a third cat would be arriving next week.

  I checked their food and water bowls, making sure they had enough to last them until morning, and then retreated to my room.

  Flopping down on my bed, all alone, I scolded myself.

  I had been naive. I hadn’t thought about what life would be like when it was all over. When there was no more sex and no more cash filling up my bank account. I hadn’t realized that it would be so damn hard. I had spent so much time thinking about the endgame that I hadn’t thought about what would happen when I got there.

  Yes, I had graduated from university.

  Yes, I had started my own consulting firm.

  Yes, I was making my own money and paving my own way.

  But I felt like I was stuck. Too stressed out to enjoy the present and too inadequate to obtain my future.

  I had grown up in a normal middle-class home with a stay-at-home mom and a father who worked morning, noon, and night. And when it had all come crashing down, I saw how helpless my mother had become, how strained their marriage got just because of money, or its lack.

  It was that realization that had solidified my future. I’d never let myself rely on a man to survive.

  Which was why I was going to take Collette’s offer.

  I had made a promise three years ago that I would make it on my own.

  And I was much too stubborn to give up.

  A consistent paycheck was the smart decision. At least for right now, even though the thought of it made me nauseous. I hadn’t even been able to survive on my own for a year. But I needed to move forward, and at the same time, I needed to figure out who I wanted to be.

  Maybe working at a company long enough to develop relationships might help me find myself again. Maybe it would help me remember the girl I’d been before I’d taken money to have sex.

  I needed to find that girl. I need to be that girl.

  Because I sure as hell wanted to stop being Jade.

  Chapter 6

  Ben

  This kid was giving me a run for my money.

  Professor Hughes had been right. Cory was eager. Ambitious.

  But I had to admit, it was weird how he looked at me. With admiration, with respect, and with a little bit of awe.

  The truth was, he was freaking me the fuck out, and I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to deal with it.

  I was playing the part of teacher and I’d even dug out the khaki pants Ellie had given me for my birthday six years ago. It was my pathetic attempt to put some kind of distance between us, considering I was supposed to be his mentor, but the reality of our situation only moved us further apart the more we interacted.

  I was failing. Big-time.

  It had been a week since he’d started. I didn’t feel comfortable yet sending Cory on set by himself, and with my hectic schedule I didn’t have time to accompany him. I felt awful knowing that he was probably itching to get behind the camera, just like I was. So I had promised him we’d spend the last part of today filming.

  With the intention of creating a fake set, I’d brought three cameras into my office. I let Cory set them up while I went in search of subjects. To my dismay, the only props I could find were blow-up dolls. I brought them into the office, setting them down on the couch, a blond female doll straddling a brunette.

  When I turned, Cory looked at me with a shy smile, his face red and splotchy with nervousness. He worked the focus and fiddled with the settings, pointing each camera at the couch, one on each end and one dead center. Exactly what I would have done.

  When he was happy with his setup, I checked his shot. “Zoom.” I urged. “Closer.” I stood back, taking in the scene. “I don’t like a lot of periphery. It has its time and place, but not for sex. Not for any romantic moment, really. You want to capture the closeness. You want to make sure you have your camera aimed and centered on the couple.”

  “You mean the live space?”

  I froze. Case in point. Failing. Big. Time. “The what?”

  “The buffer space around your focus.” When I didn’t react, he continued, “Like the safe space that doesn’t end up in the final cut, but where the boom can safely sit for instance.”

  “Right. The couple is your live space.” I nodded, doing my best to pretend I knew exactly what he was talking about. I was going to have to Google the shit out of directing before I showed up for work on Monday. “Right now, we’re just at the start of the scene. There’s only kissing going on. Focus on their faces.”

  Cory’s face flushed at my comment.

  “You wanted to intern in porn, kid, you’re going to have to get used to sex.”

  He let out a heavy breath. “It’s hard to get used to something when you’ve never done it.”

  I stepped back, crossing my arms over my chest. “You’ve never had sex?”

  He shook his head, eyes lowering to the floor.

  “Hey, there’s nothing to be embarrassed about. Listen, I wish I had waited. My first time was…not normal.” That was the most PC way of explaining it.

  Cory stared at me, his eyes alight with excitement, but I remained silent. “Hey, come on. You can’t drop a bomb like ‘not normal’ and leave me hanging.”

  I let out a steady breath and returned to the camera on the left side, biding my time. This kid blushed at the sight of a blow-up doll. How the hell was he going to react to my first sexual experience?

  “Let’s just say it involved two women and another guy—and looking back, I wish it had been different.”

  “Your first time was an orgy?”

  I laughed. “I told you it wasn’t normal.”

  “You’re like the Yoda of sex.” He walked closer and in a strained, cartoony voice he said, “Teach me, you must.”

  I laughed. He may like Tarantino, but at least he knew his classic science fiction. “I’m supposed to teach you about film, not about sex.”

  “One in the same.” He shrugged. “At least here it is.”

  “Tou—”

  “Hey, Ben, you…”

  A tingle raced down my spine at the sound of Grace’s voice.

  I hadn’t even turned around, and yet I felt her. That electric pull that somehow tied us together despite how much I wanted to sever it. Her scent flooded my nostrils, probably flooded the entire room, a soft flowery musk that always got my dick hard.

  Cory had gone silent beside me. His hands fidgeted in front of him while he watched her with wide eyes. I’d also noticed that he’d stepped to the side, to get a better look.

  When I finally turned, she appeared…

  Fuck.

  She was so hot. Blindingly hot and the picture of perfection.

  She wore a gray dress that hugged her curvy hips. Her legs were in black stockings and she wore black boots that went up to her knees. A black coat was slung over her arm and she gripped the straps of her purse with the other hand. Thick, black bracelets wrapped around her wrists. Red lips taunted me to kiss them and her auburn hair tempted me to run my fingers through the shiny strands. My hands itched to reach out and touch her, any part of her that she’d let me. But I knew she’d never allow me to put my hands on her again.

  And even if she did you promised yourself no more random hookups.

  “Grace? What are you doing here?”

  She fisted her hands on her hips and shot me an annoyed look. “Don’t tell me you forgot.” Even while frustrated with me, she was the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen. “We’re on swag duty.”

  Shit. I had forgotten, despite the thousands of boxes tucked away in the two boardrooms. The days of the week had all blurred together now that Cory was at my side every second.

  But I had to admit, I was having fun running through fake filming scenario
s with him. Even though it felt like he was teaching me more than I was teaching him.

  “Who’s this?” She pointed to my intern.

  “Cory.” I cleared my throat, straightening myself against her scrutiny. “He’s in film school at Shaw College and interning here.”

  Her eyebrows lifted in surprise. “You have an intern?” She let out a squeaky laugh.

  “I practically forced my way into White Lace,” Cory said with a proud smile.

  “You were relentless.” I laughed. If filmmaking wasn’t in his future he’d be a good lawyer.

  “And it’s your plan to film porn?” Grace asked.

  “Well…I don’t know.” Cory shrugged, pulling at the hem of his shirt. Grace was making him uncomfortable, although I had no idea if it was because of her mere presence or her questions about his future. “The possibilities of where I end up are endless, but I knew with interning here I wouldn’t be getting the same set of boring fundamentals that everyone else is.”

  “Hey, I’m teaching some stuff.” I turned away and mumbled under my breath, “I think.”

  “I don’t mean you’re not teaching me. I meant interning here gives me an edge over everyone else because it isn’t traditional.” He walked forward and I thought maybe he was going to put a hand on my arm—like he was the adult and I was the child in need of consoling. “You’re teaching me things without even knowing what you’re teaching because you didn’t learn from a book.”

  And thank fuck I didn’t. I wouldn’t have lasted.

  I didn’t last.

  I turned back to Grace. Our eyes met, and for the quickest second, her eyes widened, the emerald green of them darkening with desire. But I didn’t have time to consider what it meant, because then she was all over me.

  “What the hell are you wearing?” She’d secured one hand in the crook of her opposite elbow.

  “Clothes.” I looked down at myself. I’d been proud of putting on these khakis this morning.

  “Where are your jeans? Cargo pants?” She looked up at me, a weird scrunch to her face I’d never seen before. “And your hair is pulled back.” The hand that had been secured now waved in front of me as she got more curious. “You look like a fraternity reject.” She laughed.

  “I’m a teacher now.” I straightened my shoulders. No one else needed to know that when I pulled these pants out of the closest this morning the tags were still on them.

  “Any reason why you’re filming blow-up dolls?” She jerked her thumb to the couch.

  Now that Grace was here, my creative juices were flowing. All right, maybe they weren’t exactly creative, but the juices were flowing. And if Cory had to practice, I could think of no better human specimen to get on film.

  “I was just teaching Cory a few tricks and it would be much more useful if he had live subjects.” I rushed over to where she stood. “Stand right here.” I pried her coat and purse out of her hands and urged her to stay in place. “Look at the camera.”

  “Don’t film me.” She waved her hands in front of her, seriously uncomfortable with it.

  I remembered her being uncomfortable with filming porn before, too. She had tried to audition, but ultimately had decided that it wasn’t for her. I admired the hell out of her from that moment on. Most people would just do it. Especially given the fact that she was already an escort.

  “Relax. I’m not asking you to take anything off.” I looked up and gave her a wink. “At least not in front of the kid.”

  Cory groaned. “You do realize you’re only five years older than me, right?”

  I had been a teenager once, but I didn’t remember ever having such a great are-you-kidding-me face. Besides, Ellie probably would have smacked it right off me if I’d ever used it.

  “Five years in age, but a hundred in life experience, kid.”

  I directed Cory to look through the lens. “We’re going to practice.”

  “Wait.” Grace’s voice was high-pitched, about three octaves higher than the sultry timbre I was used to. “What are you practicing?”

  I didn’t even acknowledge her question. Instead, I turned to Cory and asked, “All right, director. What’s your vision?”

  Excitement flowed through my veins. I missed this. I missed being behind the camera, even though at this moment it wasn’t me calling the shots. But the chance to be creative again, to be around something creative, had me happier than I had been in a long time.

  Cory tapped his finger against his lips, taking his time with figuring out his vision. “I got it.” He snapped his fingers. “Grace, you stay there. Ben, you come in from outside the shot. Then Grace, you’re going to give him the go-ahead look and Ben you’re going to dip Grace and kiss her, then pull her up and walk away, leaving Grace looking shocked.”

  “A dip?” He might only be a teenager, but he acted like he was an eighty-year-old man.

  He shrugged. “I’ve always wanted to do that with a girl.”

  “I didn’t say yes.” Grace bit her lip. Did she have any idea how crazy that made me? How it made me want to feel the sharp pinch of pain when she bit me. Every part of me. “Why should I do this?”

  “It’s for educational purposes, Grace. Now at least pretend like kissing me isn’t the most disgusting thing you’ve ever done.”

  “Wait.” Cory peeked around the camera. “You guys have already—”

  “Let’s get this started.” I clapped my hands, drawing attention as far away from the subject of Grace and me as possible.

  What we may or may not have done wasn’t Cory’s business. It was no one’s business. I was pretty sure the only people who knew we’d slept together were Max and Everly. I hadn’t even told Ryan. I normally didn’t kiss and tell, but considering Max had been dating her best friend, I thought he should know. I didn’t want to be responsible for screwing up his chances.

  Then you shouldn’t have slept with her in the first place.

  I walked off camera, waiting for Cory to get ready. I watched as Grace stood there, fidgeting on the spot, and it suddenly hit me. I was terrified. The last time we’d kissed it had gotten way out of hand. As in, we’d screwed on the desk to the left of me.

  “This is ridiculous.” She huffed, her body restless. “Do I really have to do this?”

  Cory looked on, a sad expression washing over his face.

  Immediately seeing the disappointment in his eyes, Grace changed her tune, smacking her arms against her sides. “Fine. Let’s just get it over with.”

  She fiddled with her hair and clothing, making herself presentable for the shot. Not that she had much to do in order to be presentable.

  When she was ready, Cory made eye contact with each of us, then yelled, “Action!”

  I stalked over to Grace, barely able to keep my excitement from presenting itself in my pants. I did my best to forget about the camera and Cory. I invaded her space, not giving her any opportunity to move away. I stared into those jade-colored eyes, the same eyes that had captured my attention the moment I walked into that coffee shop to meet her for the first time.

  She blinked up at me from under thick, black lashes. The hint of annoyance that had glared at me from across the room only minutes earlier disappeared the moment I pressed my pelvis to hers. Her eyes softened and she bit that lip again. And that was it. The go-ahead.

  I enveloped her in my arms, one wrapped around her shoulders, the other cradling her firm ass. I dipped her, making sure to point us in the direction of the camera, and lowered my mouth to hers. I saw the rapid beat of her pulse in her neck and felt the erratic rhythm of her breath against my skin. And when my lips brushed lightly across hers, I heard the lowest, softest whimper…but couldn’t be sure if it was actually real or just a noise in my head. My hands itched to move lower, to move between her legs, but I kept them in check, tightening my grip on her ass.

  I brushed her hair away from her face, fastening the flyaway strands behind her ear, allowing my finger to linger down the side of her face.

/>   I wanted to be gentle with her.

  I wanted to manhandle her.

  It was shocking how my attraction to this woman covered the full spectrum of wants, from kinky to vanilla, from gentle to rough. I wanted to try it all with her. Give it all to her.

  When I couldn’t stand it any longer, I took what I’d denied myself for the last six long months.

  Our lips finally touched and it was like being caught in a lightning storm. Electrical charges coursed through my body, bringing to life every nerve ending, muscle, and tendon. She lit me up from the inside out. And I wasn’t sure how I felt about that.

  As my lips moved over hers, she relaxed in my arms, letting me control the pace, the action. Until she snaked her hands up my chest to my shoulders and pulled me harder against her, pressing her soft breasts into my chest.

  Our lips clashed and tangled and suddenly it wasn’t enough. I pulled her up, pressing my hand to the back of her head, urging her closer, urging her to take me, all of me. Everything she wanted.

  “Guys?” A voice sounded in the distance, but I kept kissing her because she was kissing me right back.

  “Ben?”

  A throat cleared and I froze, suddenly realizing that the two of us were supposed to be acting. I broke the kiss despite my every molecule telling me to keep going, to keep kissing her until our clothes were on the floor and I was inside her once again.

  But I didn’t listen to that little devil sitting on my shoulder.

  I stepped back, uncurling my arms from her body. Grace’s eyes were still closed when I took another backward step. Her mouth was swollen, her lipstick was smeared, and her lips were parted in slight disbelief. She was just as rocked by that kiss as I was.

  With a grin, I turned and walked out of the shot.

  Cory yelled, “Cut!”

  “I hope you got what you needed because that’s not happening again.” I could tell by the tone in her voice that she’d armed herself again, locking the steel door that she always had protecting her like a fortress. She refused to look in my direction, but it was just as well. If I had any hope of following through with my promise of no distraction, I had to let this go. I had to keep my cock flaccid inside my pants despite its incessant request to stand at attention.