Reason to Believe (White Lace)

by Gina Gordon

  I knew my way around, so I walked to the den at the back of the house. It was a movie lover’s haven. Three out of the four walls were lined with shelving units, full from top to bottom with DVD’s. I took my coat off and left it and my purse and the reusable green bag that contained his gift on one of the oversized armchairs.

  He flopped onto the couch and I joined him on the opposite side, keeping my distance because I wasn’t sure just how this would go.

  I wish he didn’t look so damn good. I wish he had bothered to put a shirt on. I wish I had any sort of control when it came to him.

  But I didn’t.

  Without even thinking, I launched myself at him, pressing my lips against his with a moan. I pulled him down by wrapping my arms around his neck. It made it easier for me to devour his mouth. And that’s exactly what I did. It took me a minute to realize that I was the only one participating. His lips barely moved and his hands remained at his sides. Had I overestimated my vagina?

  He pushed me off him, forcing me back with both hands on my biceps and causing my grip around his neck to break. I was afraid to look into his eyes because I didn’t want to see anything but a go-ahead, nothing but desire.

  “What are you doing here, Grace?”

  I tensed. “I didn’t want to be alone.”

  “Where’s Everly?”

  His statement came as a surprise. He’d rather I seek out my best friend for comfort?

  “I wanted to be with you.”

  More than anyone else, even Everly. I looked up, right into the dark brown eyes that never seemed to stop telling me how he was feeling.

  And right now he was in pain. I hoped like hell that my eyes were giving me away right now, because after all this time, I had fallen in love with Ben Lockwood. And if I had any hope of getting him to forgive me, he needed to see that.

  But he wanted nothing to do with me. I deserved it. I had let him down. I’d deserted him when he’d needed me the most.

  Tears stung my eyes and I couldn’t keep them from falling. I didn’t want to cry in front of him. I didn’t want to show my weakness. But the last twenty-four hours had been so overwhelming, and for Sadie’s sake I hadn’t shed one tear.

  But seeing Ben now, so distant and aloof, it was too much to take.

  “Hey, why are you crying?” He reached out, and for the first time since he’d opened the door, there was a tenderness on his face. A sympathetic tone to his voice. His fingers grabbed my chin and tilted my head back so that I could look into his eyes.

  Tears continued to stream down my face and it felt like they would never stop. I saw the pain in his eyes along with anger…and desire. He was conflicted.

  And just before I was about to speak, he smashed his mouth to mine, wrecking me with a kiss so hot it almost melted my clothes off.

  My phone buzzed in my bag and I pulled away, vaulting across the room to the chair and rummaging around my bag. When I’d confirmed the buzz wasn’t about Sadie, I looked back at Ben, but the man who had been kissing me had disappeared, his eyes had grown dark and distant.

  He looked down at the phone in my hand and I realized what was going on in his mind. Just like it probably had yesterday when I’d looked at my phone and walked away.

  I choked back a sob. “After all this time, you still don’t trust me.”

  “You walked away,” he whispered the saddest four words I’d ever heard.

  Ben Lockwood knew the real me, but despite accepting my past, he was still suspicious. And what hope did that give me for my future love life?

  The only way I could move on was with a man who didn’t know Jade, a man who couldn’t draw the parallel between me and my alter ego. Ben was a constant reminder of my past, one foot still in the door of the life I wanted to leave behind.

  “I’m sorry. I had to. I…you know I would have stayed if I could.”

  “You walked away.” He glared from his seat on the couch.

  “This is how it’s going to be?” I returned to my seat, turning my body so that I was facing him. “You’re always going to think I’m playing a game. Every time I tell you I like you or that I like what you’re doing to me.” I swallowed down my fear. “Every time I tell you that I love you…” His head shot up and our eyes locked. “You won’t believe me, because—”

  I had no time to finish my sentence because his lips were on mine, his fingers digging beneath the waistband of my jeans, causing my eyes to roll back in my head.

  My libido was like an extra person in the room. It was a living, breathing entity, one I wasn’t able to control. And because of that, I was willing to overlook the fact that the connection between us I had come to crave was gone and in its place was…nothing.

  Our encounters had never been emotionless, despite our best efforts. Ben had reminded me that intimacy between two people didn’t have to include sex, and the fact that we had a deeper connection only made the sex we had better.

  But right now he was angry. Distant. And for the first time, kissing Ben was just like all the other sex I’d ever had. He was a nameless, faceless John taking what he wanted.

  But God help me, I needed him. I loved him. He could take anything.

  I was willing to give him it all.

  Chapter 22

  Ben

  I had checked out as soon as I’d heard the words I love you.

  But it didn’t stop my body from reacting to her presence. Just like every other time we’d been together, my body was on overdrive.

  I had no other choice but to cut her off with a kiss. I didn’t know how to process that information.

  A few weeks ago we’d started out friendly, then escalated to sexy…but never had I thought that Grace Nolan would be saying those three words I just didn’t believe in.

  I kissed her with everything I had. Clawing and scraping my hands over her body like some kind of rabid animal that knew had met its last meal. Because this was the last time. And despite knowing that she had broken me, I couldn’t stop myself from claiming her.

  One more time.

  It made sense. Because if I didn’t feel something more for her, then her leaving me hanging at the speakers series wouldn’t have ruined me—she’d proven that I’d been right all along, that I just wasn’t good enough to show up for. And now she was here, telling me she loves me and acting like her betrayal didn’t matter.

  “Where were you?”

  She opened her mouth to speak but nothing came out.

  “You at least owe me the courtesy of an explanation.”

  I was being an asshole. I knew it. She deserved it, at least a little bit.

  She shook her head. “Please don’t ask me to tell you. I can’t tell you.”

  What did it mean that she wasn’t lying? I would have expected her to come up with something, an excuse, a fabricated story.

  “Then why did you come here?”

  I didn’t understand. Not when she had Everly and Sadie to take care of her, yet for some reason when she was upset she’d shown up here. And I could tell she was upset. She thought I didn’t know what was going on behind her poor attempt to mask her feelings, but I’d written the book on masking feelings.

  When she didn’t respond, I probed. “You come here when you’re upset.” I gripped her chin, preventing her from looking away. “You can’t hide from me.”

  “I’m not here to hide.” Our eyes locked, and she stared me down. “I came here to forget.”

  I had no fucking clue what I was doing. Why had I let her into my house? Why had I let this escalate?

  I found the hem of her shirt and pulled up, forcing her arms over her head and wiggling the blue fabric off her body. Her bra was white lace and it was hard not to bend down and suck her rosy nipples through the fabric. Her arms fell lifelessly and she attacked my lips as I unhooked the plastic clasp in the front of her bra.

  As she maneuvered her arms out of the straps, I undid her pants, pulling at the fly then slipping both hands under the jeans so I could grab
her ass cheeks. I jerked her forward until she was on her knees, hovering above me as her lips rained kisses over my face. But I had a mission to get her naked and underneath me. I tugged her jeans down to her knees then returned to do the same with the lace panties.

  Without care, I gripped the backs of her thighs and jerked until she fell back, her feet caught under her ass, and her pussy staring me in the face. So perfect. So sweet and warm. And I wanted inside desperately.

  She was completely naked now, and spread out before me. I perused her lush body and when she bit her bottom lip, my cock jerked inside my shorts at her action.

  Despite the tense situation, despite knowing that this was the last time, and that both of us were tortured and angry, she was giving me the go-ahead.

  And so I took it.

  I tugged down my shorts until my cock sprung free, bobbing against my stomach. I wanted nothing more than to flip her over, press her face into the couch cushion, and pretend like the last few weeks hadn’t happened, but I couldn’t, because keeping my distance didn’t matter anymore. It had done me no good. She’d still managed to infiltrate my heart, my soul. Every single molecule that made up my being, she’d made a mark on, and I knew I’d never be able to remove her.

  With my cock proud and erect, I still couldn’t close the distance. I didn’t have it in me to make the move.

  “You know I can’t give you what you want, Grace.” Her breath was heavy now and she played with her breasts in an attempt to relieve some of her own built-up tension. “I’m no one’s knight in shining armor.”

  There wasn’t anything I could do to save her. And a woman like Grace needed a stand-up guy who wouldn’t second guess her motives. Someone who trusted her, and I just couldn’t shake the feeling that everything she said was a lie.

  She grabbed my shoulders and pulled me closer, smashing her lips and tongue into my mouth as if pretending she hadn’t heard me. But I couldn’t go on without saying my peace.

  “I told you from the beginning, Grace, we were going to crash.”

  She pressed her fingers to my cheeks, holding me in place. “Then there’s nothing left to do but burn us to the fucking ground.”

  She grabbed my cock and positioned me at her entrance; with one swift movement and a million reasons why I shouldn’t, I pushed forward until I was seated all the way inside.

  Her stomach tensed with my entry, her legs pressing out, trying to take me deeper, and when her hands slid down my chest to touch herself, I groaned.

  I lowered, resting my arms on either side of her as best I could with the little room on the couch, and started moving. Slow. Steady. Relishing every back and forth. I’d solder the memory to my brain, because the next time I was with Grace it would be in my dreams.

  I picked up speed, half wanting this to be over, half never wanting to remove myself from her body. I was torn, ripped into a thousand pieces I knew I’d never be able to put back together.

  When I chanced a look at her face, it was my undoing. A single tear fell from her eye, down the side of her face. I turned mine away, pounding inside her. I wanted to reach out. I wanted to console her even though I was hurting just as much as she was. But I didn’t. Instead, I turned my head and concentrated on the cushions of the couch. I heard her whimper and I knew it wasn’t because of an impending orgasm.

  I shook my head, righting my thoughts, concentrating on my orgasm, which felt like it was a million miles away.

  I wanted this to be rough. I wanted this to be detached. There was nothing between us now but a physical connection. And I wasn’t going to let her forget it.

  I pulled out, grabbing her around the hips and turning her over. I spanked her ass just before I thrust back inside. My palms pressed down on her back, keeping her in place. I was unsure if I was hurting her. Unsure of how I was ever going to forgive myself for this, but it was the only way to keep my sanity.

  Grace reached out and gripped the edge of the couch, her knuckles white with the strength of her grip, and then she turned her head. And I saw it. She was biting her bottom lip.

  She liked it. She liked this. Despite everything going on. The betrayal. The distance between us. She wanted this. And like the asshole I was, it only revved me up again.

  She muttered a slew of yes’s under her breath, and from that point on it didn’t take much for me to find my stride. My orgasm crested just as I felt the ripple of her core against my cock, and then it hit me, and with one last thrust I seated myself fully inside her and let my body absorb the wave of pleasure.

  I fell forward, my head finding her back as I tried to regulate my breathing. When I finally moved, she scrambled off the couch, picking up her clothes and throwing them back on in a hurry. She didn’t look at me. She didn’t speak. Instead, she grabbed her coat and purse and headed for the door. But with one foot over the threshold she stopped and turned.

  My chest seized when I noticed more tears streaming down her cheeks. I had to look away and I let my head fall back against the couch.

  This room was my sacred space. This room was where I watched epic romances and tragic losses. This was the place where I watched history unfold and scenes that would stay with me until the day I died. And I had a very bad feeling that, moving forward, the only thought that would stay with me was Grace and the image of her walking out that door, never to return.

  When I looked up again, she was gone, and so was my heart.

  She’d led me to believe that love was possible, and I had believed it. For a short time, she’d pulled the wool over my eyes.

  When in fact it was all a sick joke.

  I’d learned a long time ago that even love wasn’t enough to make someone give a shit. In fact, love was the last thing in the world that would make me worthy of being someone’s number one.

  Chapter 23

  Grace

  He’d ruined me.

  And I’d let him do it, despite my better judgment.

  It had been a week since Ben and I had last seen each other. And now that our best friends were engaged, I hoped for my sanity, for my heart, that the next time we saw each other would be at the wedding, probably a year from now.

  When I heard the knock on my front door at half past seven Monday morning, I shook off the sadness that had become a second skin, putting a smile on to face Everly.

  As soon as I opened the door, I blurted out, “Let me see it.”

  Everly had a grin on her face wider than I’d ever seen. “You’ve already seen it but…okay.” She held out her hand, the sparkle on her ring finger almost blinding.

  “I haven’t seen it on you.” I grabbed her extended hand and pulled it up, the diamonds practically blinding me.

  I had been the first person she’d called after Max popped the question. It had been two a.m. Because Max’s idea of getting engaged included a getaway to California, where he’d proposed at the Marker in San Francisco.

  “Everly, it’s even more beautiful on your finger.”

  “I know, right.” She held out her hand, admiring the ring, but then she retreated, pulling her hand away. “Are you sure we should be doing this here?” She peeked around me, looking for Sadie. “I feel bad being so happy when she…”

  I laid my hand on her shoulder and guided her inside. “She’s still sleeping, and Sadie wouldn’t want you to stifle your happiness because of her.”

  We walked into the kitchen and I grabbed a coffee mug out of the cupboard and poured Everly a cup.

  “How is she doing?”

  To be honest, I had no idea. She’d barely spoken, was avoiding the cops at every turn, and I just didn’t know how to get through to her.

  “I’m not sure how to handle this, Evs.”

  Sadie wasn’t the only thing in my life I didn’t know how to handle. I had avoided work all week, but Colette had finally sent me an email and had made it perfectly clear that she wanted to see me this morning for an overdue discussion.

  I was not looking forward to it, but knew it had
to happen. I would go in there with my head held high and take my punishment. I had no doubt I’d be let go. What other option did she have?

  “She’s going to need help,” Everly said after taking a sip of her coffee. “A trauma counselor. A shrink. Someone other than you.”

  “She’s not even talking to me.” We’d spent the last few days cooped up in the apartment together. Sadie sleeping off her meds and me watching over her, waiting for her to tell me what had happened.

  “But after I get fired this morning, I’ll have lots of time on my hands to get her into a program or something.”

  “You’re not going to get fired.” Everly leaned across the counter and rested her hand on mine, her left hand sparkling brilliantly. Her entire being was happy even when she tried to be sad. She couldn’t help it. And I didn’t blame her. I’d be the same if I had found my happily ever after.

  “You weren’t there. You didn’t see the look on Colette’s face. Like someone had shot her puppy. And Ben didn’t make things…”

  I hadn’t told Everly that Ben had been at the party with me. I hadn’t told her at all about what had gone on between us, because I never thought it would have escalated into something worth talking about.

  I was horribly wrong.

  “Ben was with you?” She sipped her coffee. I could practically hear her brain working, like some high-powered machine.

  “It was a mistake, and not something that will be repeated.”

  “I’m worried about you.” Everly sat back in her seat, her hands still clasped on the counter, fiddling with her ring. “And I’m worried about Ben. He’s been at our place all week, a moping mess, which now makes sense.”

  So he felt just as shitty as I did. Shouldn’t that make me feel better?

  “You don’t need to worry about me.” I wiped the counter with my fingers, working out a smudge on the surface. “I went into this with my eyes wide open.”

  I snorted on the inside. My eyes had been wide open and yet I still managed to walk into a perfectly constructed brick wall.