I noticed only then that Jorag and Surli had already left the room.
Dalejem and I were alone.
Even so, I shouldered his hand off me.
“You shouldn’t do that here,” I muttered.
He let out a low snort. “Why? Because they might figure out we’re fucking?” His voice held a faint thread of scorn. “Trust me, Alyson. They know. That big bastard with the blue eyes already got in my face about it. So did Chandre. And your ex-lover…the Chinese one.”
I clicked at him, shaking my head in irritation.
Even so, I was surprised. Not about Chan or Jorag, really.
But Surli got in his face? Really?
Dalejem smiled, wrapping a muscular arm around my waist and tugging me coaxingly up against him. Before I could decide whether to push him off a second time, he leaned down, kissing my neck, using light on his lips and tongue even as he coiled more of himself into my belly. The heat from the latter caught my breath.
I felt my resistance slide in spite of myself, right before I melted back into his hard body.
“That Surli was scarier, honestly,” he murmured, squeezing me tighter against his chest. His other hand slid under my shirt, caressing my bare stomach before sliding up to massage my breast. I leaned against his chest as his fingers rubbed me slowly, tugging at me through the thin fabric. I felt him getting hard against the back of my thighs as his light coiled into mine, pulling on me achingly, making my skin flush.
“I think he actually threatened my life,” he said, softer, his hand sliding between my legs. He rubbed me there through my clothes, pressing against me from behind. “…assuming I’m understanding the Lao Hu euphemisms correctly. I may have to fight him later…”
He paused, his fingers tightening in my hair. Pain rose sharply in his light.
“Gaos,” he said. “Are you almost done in here? If not, I might need to go jerk off. All I can think about is last night…” His arms wrapped around me, stronger as his pain worsened. “I want to do that again,” he murmured against my neck. “That thing that made me come for about twenty fucking minutes when I finally got you there. Gaos…”
I winced against the images and pain that he flickered at me, cutting my breath.
Then I turned, pushing him back with a firm palm on his chest.
“Jem.” Clenching my jaw, I stepped away from him, putting more distance between us. “Don’t touch me around them. I mean it. I’ve got enough shit to deal with right now.”
He gave me a wry smile, holding up his hands in a peace gesture.
I watched him, my gaze narrow as he retreated from the room, walking backwards.
“Your place later?” he said. “Or mine?” He smirked. “Or you could just ride my cock during dinner. Maybe it would get you to stay long enough to actually finish a meal…” His grin widened as he looked me over in a flickering glance. “I really don’t think the others would mind, lover, whatever you say. Anyway, you’re loud…it would save them having to listen to you while they’re trying to sleep, at least…”
I grunted, not dignifying that with an answer.
He let out a low laugh as he disappeared the rest of the way through the doorway.
Before he’d gone, he sent a last, dense pulse of heat at me, hitting me again in the lower belly and groin. It held enough pain that I sucked in a sharper breath. Flushing and clicking under my breath, I watched him wink at me, that predatory look rising in his eyes.
Once he was gone, I rubbed my face with a hand, blinking to get my head back on straight.
Five months. It had been five months.
It felt like a lifetime had gone by.
Shoving that out of my mind, I focused back down on the virtual console. I was studying the configuration of lights there, most of them coming from the cluster of infiltrators we had hunting Eddard and Dragon. A lot more of them managed to track some thread of Eddard’s light than Dragon’s. I keyed in an instruction to Maygar, who was closest to the flavor of light most of the others ID’d as Revik’s ex-manservant.
I was looking at the rest of the board again when a voice rose in my headset.
“He’s getting possessive,” it said.
I tensed. Realizing I’d left the line open while Dalejem and I had been talking, I felt my face heat. How the hell had I done that? Seriously?
But I knew the answer to that, too.
Stress. Exhaustion. Too much time hanging over this damned console. Not enough sleep…or food. ‘Dori and I often shared passive channels for this kind of thing, particularly when coordinating multiple infiltration units at the same time. In this case, neither of us had spoken aloud in such a long stretch of minutes, I just forgot.
And yeah. I was really tired.
“Allie,” Balidor said, clicking. “I am not judging. I am trying to talk to you. As a friend.”
I let out a humorless laugh. “Yeah.”
“I mean it,” Balidor said. His voice shifted into a harder warning. “You weren’t raised seer. You still…miss things. Particularly in this area for some reason. I am telling you, you need to be careful with Jem. He’s getting possessive.”
Clicking softly, I shook my head, even though I knew he wouldn’t see it without the visuals. “He’s not interested in me,” I reminded him. “Trust me, you have nothing to worry about. Not when it comes to Jem of all people.”
I felt Balidor’s skepticism through the line.
“I disagree,” he said only.
Rolling my eyes, I exhaled, then decided fuck it, I would have the conversation. It was the first time anyone bothered to ask me about it directly, so I should honor the fact that Balidor had the decency to do that much at least. Maybe it would stop some of the stares and murmurs I’d been forced to endure for the past however-many weeks.
Or maybe not. But at least it would be out in the open.
“Look,” I said, exhaling again. “‘Dori, I get how this all must seem. And I get how that probably sounded just now. But Jem’s not interested in me. He’s openly admitted to me that he’s in love with Revik. He’s admitted it. More than once––”
“That may be,” Balidor cut in. “But I am telling you, I know Jem. I’ve known him for years, Alyson. I trained with him in the Pamir…I’ve seen him in other relationships.”
“So?” I said, flipping a hand sideways over the console.
“So,” Balidor said, his voice harder. “I know what he is like when he’s taking something lightly. I’ve seen him in those types of relationships…many, if you want the truth. He was more or less known for those types of relationships when I knew him. I have seen it when a particular liaison went on for weeks…months, even…like this thing has with the two of you. I have seen it when the sexual component was intense…”
“So?” I said again, unimpressed. “He likes to fuck around. So do a lot of seers. What does it matter, ‘Dori?”
“I’m saying, that is not how this looks,” Balidor cut in, exasperated. “Not to me. Not from here. Not at all. And incidentally…” he added, his voice holding more of an edge. “He was not like this with your husband.”
I felt my jaw harden. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means exactly what I said,” Balidor said, clicking in annoyance. “I am not speaking code, Alyson. I am telling you, he was not like this with Nenzi. He was completely different with him. Like a different person entirely.”
“Well…yeah.” Making an annoyed sound, I bit my lip. “Did you miss the part about how he’s in love with Revik, ‘Dor? That tends to make people behave a little differently than when they’re just––”
“That’s not what I mean.” Exhaling, Balidor seemed to be thinking as he next spoke. “How he was with Nenzi is more how I think of Jem in general, I guess. He’s always had a lot of casual sex…but Jem is also soft-hearted. He is one who has been teased for bringing in strays. There was some of this with Jem and your husband, too. Nenzi was a different man at the time, and not a very happy one
. I think Jem knew that, and––”
“‘Dor, stop.” For the first time, I was genuinely angry. “That is none of my business. Do you get that? Neither one of them has shared anything about their relationship with me. And frankly, I don’t think I should be hearing it from you.”
“Allie,” Balidor said, his voice harder. “I am not trying to disclose private moments between your husband and Jem. I am saying Jem is different with you. With Nenzi, he was not so territorial. Or aggressive. Or fucking sexual, Allie. It might sound strange, but he was actually…softer. He was possessive, yes, but not at all like this. His reactions to you strike me as more…” He hesitated, and I could almost see him scanning through words, trying to find the one he wanted. “…Volatile.”
“Volatile?” I said.
My voice held disbelief, but honestly I was more annoyed.
I knew exactly what he was driving at. I knew it came from a place of concern, I didn’t sense any ulterior motives, but somehow that only irritated me more.
“Are you saying he’s fixated?” I said, exhaling my annoyance. “Because, honestly? I’m a little sick of how often that accusation gets thrown around in relation to the men in my life––”
“And I think you vastly underestimate the effect your light has on other seers,” Balidor cut in, his voice verging on angry. “Despite how often me and your husband and whoever else try to caution you about that very thing.” Pausing, maybe to give me time to hear his words, he made his voice blunt. “Are you sharing light with him? Jem?”
I felt my jaw harden more. “Getting kind of personal there, aren’t you, brother?”
“I’m trying to look out for you!” Balidor snapped. “Are you sharing light with him, or not? Are you really not going to tell me that?”
Clicking under my breath, I gave in, throwing up a hand.
“No,” I said, blunt. “I’m not, ‘Dor…not like it would matter if I was. It’s just sex. Jem likes playing games, but that doesn’t mean––”
“I’m telling you, you are wrong about that, Allie,” Balidor said, his voice angrier. “And about him. Has he asked you for an agreement of any kind?”
“No.” I exhaled again. Glancing at the door in reflex, I switched to sub-vocals when I added, “‘Dori, I’m married.” Pain returned to my chest as I said it, even as I forced my light back, clenching my jaw. Shrugging, I added flatly, “Maybe not in Revik’s mind anymore, but in my mind, I am. So I appreciate your concern, I do…but no matter how things look to you, there isn’t going to be any ‘agreement.’ Not between me and Jem. Not between me and anyone. And Jem would never ask me for that, anyway…”
Feeling the argument building in the Adhipan seer’s light, I cut him off.
“I don’t want to talk about this anymore,” I said, still using the sub-vocals. “Jem’s a big boy. I’ve been crystal clear about where my loyalties lie. He has, too. I think you’re worrying for nothing, honestly.”
“You know Revik will kill him,” Balidor said, his voice cutting. “He’ll fucking kill him, Allie…whatever you tell yourself. Or hadn’t that occurred to you?”
I felt his words in my chest.
For an instant, pain overwhelmed my light.
Then I shook my head, frowning.
“No,” I said. “He won’t.”
“Allie,” Balidor said, clicking in frustration. “I am afraid he will kill you if he finds out about this! He’s going to lose his fucking mind. He’s going to lose his fucking mind about this, Allie! You cannot tell me you know your husband so little that you do not realize this. Gaos, Jon thinks so…he is afraid for you. So is sister Kali.”
I felt that pain shift into a harder anger.
My biological mother was weighing in on my sex life now.
Great. That was just…fantastic.
I knew they wouldn’t understand this. Whether it had been a month or two years, they would never understand this. I’d told Revik as much. He hadn’t cared.
But thinking about Revik right then wasn’t exactly helping, either.
Remembering what I’d felt off him just that morning, I stood there, hanging over the console as the anger in my light turned into something a lot colder.
I spoke before I could stop myself.
“Revik’s too busy fucking half of Asia to give much thought to what I’m doing right now, ‘Dor,” I said. Swallowing my own words, I fought my light before I added, “I highly doubt he gives a shit.”
My pain worsened as I spoke. Feeling Balidor’s light react on the other end of the line, I forced myself to dial it down, to shrug.
“…And unlike me, he’s sharing light,” I said. “So maybe you and Jon and my mother should worry less about me. Maybe you should worry more about him…assuming we ever even see one another again in the flesh.”
I felt ‘Dori shaking his head almost before I’d finished speaking, though.
“It is not the same, Alyson,” he said, clicking at me in open annoyance. “You know it is not the same. Do not play stupid on this.”
“Why?” I said. “Why is it not the same? Because I’m female?”
“Because he’s not dating anyone, Alyson!” Balidor snapped, his voice openly angry. “Gaos, Alyson! Do you think I am so oblivious? We have people watching him…as well as we can, anyway. We also have people watching you, and we can see him through your light. Your husband is sleeping with prostitutes. More or less a different one every night, from what we can tell. The fact that he is opening his light comes across more as a self-control problem from alcohol and depression and missing his wife...not some attempt to be intimate with any of the females he’s been with. Which would be obvious to you, if you weren’t willfully misunderstanding it…”
I felt my jaw harden more, even as I shook my head.
But Balidor wasn’t finished.
“Alyson, Jem was acting territorial with you before you’d even slept with him. In that meeting we had, he spoke to you like you were already involved...I actually looked at his light, thinking you were already having an affair with him, that something had happened. I am not the only one who wondered, believe me...”
“Bullshit,” I said, flushing.
He clicked at me louder. “Alyson…for fuck’s sake…do not play stupid on this. I know you understand seers better than this. I know you do…whatever you are pretending.”
I only shook my head though.
I didn’t want to talk about this any more. I didn’t want to be lectured about how my infidelity was somehow “worse” than what I’d been forced to feel every morning for however-many weeks from Revik.
Or maybe I just didn’t want to hear about Revik being depressed, no matter what coping strategies he was employing. I didn’t want to hear it because it felt true. It felt true and there wasn’t a damned thing I could do about it.
When the silence stretched, Balidor let out a sigh.
His voice grew low, a near murmur in my ear.
“I don’t know what the hell you and your husband are up to right now,” he said softly. “But you are playing with fire, Alyson…in more ways than one.”
I felt my jaw harden more.
Without answering him, I pulled the plug, cutting the transmission.
Using a thought-command, I turned the transmitter off altogether next.
Staring down at the console without seeing it for a few seconds, I felt my jaw harden the longer I looked at those morphing and flashing lights.
That feeling growing in those higher reaches of my aleimi didn’t diminish.
“This isn’t going to work,” I muttered, still staring down at the board.
Pushing my weight off the console, I felt pain coil back through my light, hard enough to catch my breath.
Balidor suspected something. Five months in, and Balidor still suspected something.
If Balidor did, those on Menlim’s side would too.
“This isn’t going to fucking work,” I said, feeling that pain in my chest worsen.
/> Re-igniting my headset, I keyed in a different code.
He picked up at once, barely letting it pulse before he clicked over…then not waiting before he sent me a tugging tendril of heat, undiminished by the distance between us. Pain rose in my aleimi in response, even as his light coiled aggressively into mine, pulling at it insistently.
“It’s about goddamned time,” he said, exhaling. “I was about to go drag you out of there…or maybe just strip you naked and fuck you face down on that console.”
When I didn’t respond, I felt his light turn more probing, skirting the edges of mine.
His voice sounded almost businesslike when he next spoke.
“Well?” he said. “Are you going to tell me? Did brother Balidor manage to get in the last word? Or did you hang up on him? Serves him right if you did…”
I fought to think, still turning over the data points crowding my mind.
“I hope you defended me, love,” he added, sending another thick pulse of heat. “I’ll reward you if you did…a few times, maybe.” His pain worsened, pulling on me more achingly as his breath caught. “Maybe more than a few times…”
Shaking off my reaction to his light, I didn’t bother to respond to his words.
Nor did I ask how he knew I’d been talking to Balidor about him.
“Jem?” I said. “Where are you?”
“Masturbating,” he said at once. “Fantasizing about you opening your light…about you letting me fuck you with your light open. I was just about to come, actually.”
Feeling another heated pulse off him, I found myself believing him.
“Yeah,” I said patiently. “But where? I need to talk to you.” Rolling my eyes, I exhaled, puffing my cheeks. “Well. I need to talk to you whenever you’re…finished.”
“I’m not going to come now,” he assured me. “I’d rather wait and do it on you…or preferably, in you.” Feeling me flinch, he smiled. “What do you want to talk about, love? Sex, I hope,” he said. “And opening your light. I really, really want you to open your light, Allie…gods.”
“No,” I said, clicking at him. “…And no. This is business.”
Dragon: Allie's War Book Nine Page 44