After another pause, I nodded, biting my lip. I didn’t stop massaging him.
“It’s confusing me too,” I admitted.
He continued to stare down at my eyes. He didn’t smile.
“Is it?” he said. “You don’t seem confused.”
I flinched again, feeling as much as seeing the emotion there. I felt the accusation woven into his words, the hurt. It caught me off guard, sharpening that harder pain in my chest.
Still studying his eyes, I frowned, not at him but because I was thinking about his words. As I turned them over, that heavier feeling came over my light.
It took me a few more seconds to realize why that was.
Or to admit it to myself, maybe.
“I am confused, Jem.” Caressing his long black hair out of his face, I forced myself to be honest. He deserved that, at least. “More than I should be.”
Jem studied my expression. I saw something in his eyes soften as he did, then he nodded.
Still apparently thinking about my words, he grunted.
“More than you should be?” he said, humor touching his voice. “Should I be insulted by that, as well?”
But I didn’t let him brush it off.
“Revik and I are bonded.” I made my words crystal clear, staring up at him. “That’s never going to change, Jem. Never. I don’t want it to.” Feeling him flinch, I swallowed, gripping his hair in my hand, pulling his eyes back to mine. “I love him. More than I can express…even to him. Even if something happened to the bond, that wouldn’t change. Do you understand? It wouldn’t change anything for me.”
He exhaled, nodding.
“I know that,” he said, his voice subdued. “But Alyson…you have to think seriously about what might happen if he doesn’t come back. I know you don’t want to––”
But I shook my head, jaw hard.
“No, I don’t. I can’t, Jem. I fucking can’t…I can’t. Not yet.”
He met my gaze, his eyes holding something I couldn’t read at all.
Then he exhaled, clicking in near apology.
“You might have to,” he said. “You know Menlim might not want him dead at all, right? That was never his goal before…I’m not sure why that would have changed, especially if the trigger is still in place. He might really find some way to detach the two of you.” He exuded another pulse of apology, exhaling. “…Then order Revik to kill you.”
I nodded.
I’d known that all along, too.
“I know you know it,” Jem said, his voice frustrated. “Allie, I’m trying to talk to you. I’m not trying to hurt you. I’m not trying to beat you up with this…”
“I know you’re not––” I began, clicking.
“Do you?” he cut in. “Because it doesn’t seem like it. I’m jealous, yes. Sometimes I’m really fucking jealous, Alyson. But I’m not trying to hurt you…or him. I’m trying to protect you. I love you, goddamn it…”
I felt my chest clench as I stared up at the water-stained ceiling.
He’d never said that to me before, either.
“Well, I’m saying it now,” he said, gruff. “If I have to listen to you calling out your husband’s name while we fuck, then you at least need to know how I feel about it.” His voice held pain, then a tinge of apology when he added, “I’m not expecting anything in return, Allie. I’m really not. But I’m tired of this goddamned dance with us. I’m not good with ambiguity…I never have been. Or with neither of us talking openly about what’s going on. I know you have feelings for me. I know you do. Some day soon, I want to know what the fuck they are––”
“Jem––” I said, frustrated.
“Allie,” he said, cutting me off. “I also want an agreement.”
I looked up in disbelief, opening my mouth, but he shook his head, clicking.
“Don’t give me any bullshit about Revik,” he said. “I know the score there. I mean anyone else…people you aren’t bonded to. I’m not going to pretend anymore I wouldn’t lose my shit if you started screwing other seers. I’ve had a few of them approach me already, asking my permission…including that fucker tonight…Jasek’s lieutenant, Crieg.” He gave me a harder look, his green eyes flashing in the candlelight. “The answer was no, by the way. Hard fucking no…peppered generously with threats of physical violence.”
I clicked at him, my disbelief tinged with annoyance. “I know you’re like 400 years old, Jem, but this isn’t the goddamned Middle Ages. You could have asked me. Not spoken for me like a sexist dick…”
“They asked me…not you,” he said, his voice wholly unapologetic. “Yell at them, if you don’t like it. Crieg assumed we were under some kind of agreement.” Dalejem’s voice grew harder. “I didn’t lie. I just didn’t dissuade him of that idea. And when he asked me if I’d mind, I told him I’d throw him through a fucking wall. So again…not lying, Alyson.”
I bit my lip, not answering for a moment.
Avoiding his eyes, I tried to think, to even want to think.
I was better with ambiguity, I realized. In this area, at least. When it came to contemplating being unfaithful to my husband in a way that really mattered, ambiguity was vastly preferable to thinking about formalizing this in some way.
Thinking about that, I shook my head, once.
“No,” I said.
“No to the agreement?” he said. “No to what, Alyson?”
I bit my lip, shaking my head again, but not in a real answer.
Finally I looked up, letting him hear and feel my frustration. “What do you expect to happen with this, Jem?”
He scarcely paused.
“I expect you to wait for your husband, Alyson. I expect you to wait for him until you can’t wait for him anymore…or until he comes back to you.”
Pressing a hand against my forehead, I stared at him in disbelief.
“So you’re…what? Backup?” I felt him flinch. Realizing what I’d said, I closed my eyes. I shook my head, exhaling an open apology even as I clicked at him. “I’m sorry. Jem...you’re fucking making me crazy right now, but I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry...”
He only shrugged, his eyes and voice flat. “Don’t be. If you want to see it that way, then yes. I understand the limits of your current situation. I’ve known those limits from the very beginning...as you were just so helpfully pointing out. I’m willing to wait and see if there is room for me in your life.”
I looked up at him, swallowing. “There’s Lily, too, Jem. He’s the father of my child...”
“You wouldn’t trust me with her?” Jem said.
It was more like he blurted it.
Like he didn’t mean to say it at all.
Even so, I blinked, staring up at him.
Embarrassment plumed off his light, then regret...followed by what might have been more embarrassment once he saw me staring at him. I fought to hide my shock at his words. I forced myself to let out a humorous grunt, feeling that pain in my chest worsen even as I smiled.
“What? So you can leave her under an overpass, too?” I glanced up, quirking my lips at him. “No thanks, brother Jem.”
I’d meant it as a joke, as a way to break the tension from what he’d just said.
I realized my mistake as soon as it left my lips.
Pain coiled off his light, so intensely I tensed, my breath catching in my throat.
“Gods, Alyson...” Tears came to his eyes, even as that pain on him worsened.
I gripped him tighter, panic suffusing my light as the hurt on his intensified. The grief inside it made it impossible for me to breathe.
I gripped him tighter, closing my eyes, fighting to speak.
“Jem...I’m sorry...”
He caressed my face. “I loved you so much. You have no idea how much, Allie...it fucking broke my heart to leave you there. It broke your parents’ hearts...”
I shook my head though, unable to hear this now either. My jaw tightened, even as an older wound in me flared.
“Jem, don’t...please, don’t tell me this...”
But he only shook his head, tears brightening his eyes as he caressed my face.
“You need to hear this, Allie. You need to. I know you think you weren’t loved as a baby. You were fucking adored...” His voice caught, right before he kissed my face. “Your mother didn’t leave her room for a year, for fuck’s sake. Your father...gods, I thought your father was going to lose his mind. He followed you and your human family for...I don’t even know how long. He’d drive to San Francisco, even after he’d been warned by the Council. He’d watch you in their house, in the park...when you started school...”
I shook my head, clicking at him. “Jem, don’t––”
He talked over me, his voice low.
“––I don’t think he ever forgave your mother,” he said. “I know he understood why the Council did it, and why she agreed to it...with his mind at least. But he was so fucking angry, and for some reason, he aimed all of that at her. Maybe because she was his mate, or maybe because he didn’t know how else to deal with it. I’d hear him shouting at her to leave their room, to come see what she and the Council had done, giving his child to humans...”
Jem broke off, even as more pain coiled through his light.
“It was horrible,” he said, gruff. “It was one of the worst things I’ve ever experienced, Allie.”
I shook my head, feeling my throat close, but he kept talking.
“I was angry, too,” he said, softer. “...but not with her. She was so fucking sad, I couldn’t be angry with her.” He shook his head. “I watched you, too. When Revik took over, they ordered me to stay away. Even then, sometimes I would follow you, if only to––”
“Jem...stop!” Pain filled my voice, even as I stared up at him, breathing harder. “Stop talking, Jem! Now...please!”
He fell silent.
I felt that pain still coiling around his light though, still pulling on me.
After another minute passed, he didn’t seem to be able to stay silent any longer.
“You really wouldn’t trust me with your daughter?” he said, his voice openly hurt. “Allie...I’d kill myself before I let anything happen to Lily. I’d raise her like my own, if you let me...I’d lay down my life for the two of you. Do you really not know that about me?”
Once my mind understood what he’d said, I couldn’t believe it.
I couldn’t believe what he’d just said.
I saw him clench his jaw, felt regret slide off his light in a darker cloud.
“I just mean…” he said. I felt his skin warm, saw his eyes avoid mine as his voice grew more subdued. “If you were still alive. If you were alive and he wasn’t…or if he wasn’t able to be with you. I would help you with her. You wouldn’t be alone, Allie…I would never let you be alone. No matter what we were to one another…even if we were just friends.”
I felt that pain in my chest worsen.
It felt like he’d just stabbed me in the heart again, only with a broken bottle that time. I almost didn’t know what hurt the most right then…what he’d told me about my parents, the thought of raising Lily without Revik…
Whatever it was, it was more than I could take.
I felt myself fighting to breathe, losing touch with the room…
I couldn’t see him anymore. I couldn’t see anything.
“Allie…”
His voice felt far away.
“Allie…darling.” His words grew soothing, his light vibrating with a thread of harder fear. He kissed my mouth, caressing my face with both of his muscular hands, calming me with his light. “Allie…I’m so sorry. It’s all right. It’s all right…he’s going to be all right, Allie.”
I fought not to hear him, shaking my head.
He gripped me tighter though, forcing me back into my body.
“You’re going to be all right,” he murmured. “Both of you…and Lily. I’ll help you. I’ll help you however I can. And I’ll help you save him if I can. I promise. I promise you…” He kissed me again, his light lulling, soothing as he continued to caress me with his hands and aleimi. “I’m sorry, darling. I’m sorry I said that…I’m sorry…”
I shook my head, but I couldn’t speak.
Tears filled my eyes, but for a long time both of us just lay there. I could feel his hands on me still, his light in mine, trying to calm me down, to open me to him again.
As I lay there, though, the thought kept repeating, over and over.
This wouldn’t end well.
There was no way this was going to end well.
Not for any of us.
28
DESPERATE TIMES
“Yeah, well, I’m asking you to hold off on that,” I said, fighting to keep the impatience out of my voice. “In return for that very significant favor, I’m now willing to negotiate a number of the larger concessions you asked for from me, Madam President…”
The virtual image went dark.
It felt like it went dark before I’d even finished speaking.
Silence met me on the other end of the line.
I bit my lip, fighting not to read her.
I knew what that darkness meant. She hadn’t hung up on me; I could tell that from the live link indicator blinking in the corner. She’d pulled herself out of the conversation with me to confer with her own people. Even so, I had to fight not to violate our agreement about me not using my seer abilities when the silence continued to stretch.
Jem and I were camped out in the same building where we’d spent the night, what used to be the consulate for the country of…Paraguay, I think?…or was it Uruguay?
I supposed it didn’t really matter at this point. Whoever they’d been, they were gone now.
Only seers occupied these rooms now, although I knew that wasn’t true of all of the buildings in this neighborhood.
Distracting myself, I took a sip of the coffee one of Jasek’s people had brought me. It was real coffee, so it was hard not to clutch the porcelain cup like the contents were liquid gold. I didn’t realize how used to instant I’d gotten until I could smell the real thing. Every sip gave me a little ripple of pleasure that was almost embarrassing in its intensity. The real cream and sugar were just a bonus.
I might have to find something to barter with Jasek to see if I could bring some of it with me when we left.
We were hoping that would be later this day, although we’d gotten a fair bit of resistance. From Balidor and Wreg. From Jasek, who warned us the reports coming out of China were alarming, to say the least…and who didn’t like that we hadn’t yet located Dragon or found a way to track him. From Chandre and Mara who were still at Langley.
Now I was hearing it from Brooks too, whose people seemed to have an increasingly itchy finger over the big red button in regards to Beijing.
Jem was still muttering under his breath about us going to China, too.
I could tell he was fully on board though, and not only because he’d been the one to first voice the change in plans aloud. He’d already spent most of that morning negotiating weapons, ammunition and transportation help with the London seers.
Since we shared a bed these days, too––meaning for sleep in addition to whatever else––I knew he’d started pretty much as soon as we got up.
I’d also gotten to know him better by then. He was a verbal worrier, which often came in the form of arguing with me, or muttering about me in front of me. I’d also learned it was almost a weird sign of affection, so I didn’t usually take it personally anymore.
He was probably working on requisitions for us still.
I had no way of knowing without pinging him; I sat alone in that formal dining room on the third floor. Brooks requested a private audience, so I’d done my best to give her that.
Truthfully it suited me, too. Mostly.
It would have suited me more if she’d extended me the same courtesy.
“President Brooks?” I said, when the silence stretched. I cleared my thro
at. “We’re under considerable time pressures at the moment…I’m sure you can appreciate that. I understand your need to be cautious, but I need an answer. Today.”
At that, she let out a low grunt.
The space reconfigured around me from where it had gone dark.
Great, at least she’d taken her finger off the damned mute button.
I found myself looking at her, meeting her cool gaze under hair that was significantly more coiffed than when I’d met her in that farmhouse in Colorado. She wore an impeccable gray business suit today as well, so apparently the Feds in Langley still had access to some of the higher-end clothing stores that once dotted the East Coast.
I wondered why they bothered to keep up the pretense.
Then again, I suppose I knew why. Even so, I wondered how long that would last, assuming that textile manufacturing didn’t go back to pre-plague levels anytime soon.
“When do you estimate Dragon will reach China?” she asked me, her words crisp.
I shook my head, indicating a negative in seer sign language by making a downward slash with one hand. “We don’t know that. I told you that already.”
“We need an estimated time frame, Alyson.”
“I won’t be able to give you that until we get there, Moira,” I said, my voice holding a faint warning. “I told you that, too.”
“Why not?”
“Because we won’t know anything until we get there,” I said, my voice closer to a growl. “Look, Madam President…I don’t know how you think this ‘being a seer’ thing works, but it doesn’t mean we’re omniscient. If a seer takes certain precautions, we can’t see them at all. And Dragon’s abilities are completely undocumented at this point…and seemingly unprecedented. A good portion of this trip to Asia will be intelligence-gathering. Right now, we’re relying on mythology for the most part, which isn’t exactly reliable, in terms of––”
“You must know something,” she threw back at me, more than a little testy herself. “…Or you wouldn’t be going there at all. The last time we spoke you told me you were months away from Beijing, Esteemed Bridge. ‘Two months, minimum,’ you said. That was three weeks ago…so clearly, something’s changed.”
Dragon: Allie's War Book Nine Page 55