How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing
Beverly Engel
JOHN WILEY & SONS, INC.
Acknowledgments
Introduction
Part One Identifying and Understanding Emotional Abuse
I Emotional Abuse-The Destroyer of Relationships
2 Patterns of Abuse
3 Not All Emotionally Abusive Relationships Are Alike
4 Patterns That Begin in Childhood: Why We Abuse and Why We Take It
Part Two Stopping the Abuse
5 Action Steps for Those Being Abused
6 Action Steps for the Abusive Partner
7 Action Steps for the Abusive Couple
8 When Your Partner Has a Personality Disorder
9 When Your Abusiveness Stems from Your Personality Disorder
Part Three Where Do You Go from Here?
10 Should You Stay or Should You Leave?
11 Preventing Emotional Abuse in the Future
12 Continuing to Recover
Epilogue
References
Further Reading
Websites and Chat Rooms
Index
My deepest gratitude goes to Tom Miller-my editor at John Wiley & Sons-who has steadfastly supported all my book ideas. Thank you for your vision, your patience, your faith in me, and your expert editing.
My heartfelt appreciation also goes to my wonderful agents, Stedman Mays and Mary Tahan who work tirelessly on my behalf. Thank you for all you do for me and for being people of such integrity.
Thank you as well to all those who shared their stories with me. Your willingness to share your pain and your triumphs will no doubt help many people.
Much appreciation also goes to all my clients. I have learned a great deal from working with all of you and this knowledge is reflected in my writing.
Finally, while much of my knowledge of Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder came from my experience working with clients who suffer from these disorders, professional workshops, such as those led by Dr. James Masterson, helped me tremendously. Books such as Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in Their Struggle for Self by Elan Golumb, Ph.D.; Lost in the Mirror: An Inside Look at Borderline Personality Disorder by Richard A.Moskovitz, M.D.; and Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul T.Mason, M.S. and Randi Kreger added still further to my growing understanding of these disorders.
I wrote this book for several important reasons. First of all, evidence is mounting that emotional abuse is a major epidemic in our culture. At the same time, emotional abuse is the least understood form of abuse. Unlike sexual abuse and domestic violence, there has been very little public education on the subject. Very few people know what constitutes emotional abuse and even fewer understand the consequences of it. Although the number of people who suffer from emotional abuse as children and who either become emotionally abusive themselves as adults or become involved with partners who emotionally abuse them is phenomenal, few people are cognizant of how this form of abuse has deeply affected their lives.
Second, I have a deep and abiding desire to help end the cycle of abuse that characterizes our nation and many others. My hope is that by helping individuals and couples to stop abusing each other, we will raise children who are less likely to pass on abusive communication and behavior to their children and substantially reduce the incidence of child abuse in the future. I have been an advocate for those who have been emotionally, sexually, or physically abused for most of my career as a psychotherapist and an author. My dedication to helping those who have been abused comes from the fact that I myself was emotionally and sexually abused as a child. Many of you reading this book may know me from one or more of my previous books on abuse, especially The Emotionally Abused Woman, Encouragements for the Emotionally Abused Woman, and The Right to Innocence, in which I shared some of my own story.
Third, in the ten years since I wrote The Emotionally Abused Woman and Encouragements for the Emotionally Abused Woman, I have learned a great deal more about the subject, mostly from my continuing work with those who have been emotionally abused. My thinking has changed somewhat from the time I first wrote about emotional abuse, especially concerning the types of people who emotionally abuse their partners. Ten years ago, I, like many authors who have written on the subject of abuse, characterized emotional abusers as monsters beyond redemption. But since that time I have continued to work with those who have become abusive and have gained a great deal of insight and empathy for them. What I have found is that many do not deliberately set out to control, manipulate, or destroy their partners and that most were either emotionally, physically, or sexually abused themselves as children. While books on the subject offer information and strategies to help victims of abuse, few, if any, offer help to partners who become abusive. It is my belief that if we are ever going to stop the cycle of abuse, we must begin to focus on helping the abuser as well as the victim.
Over the years, many women who have read my previous books on the subject have asked me to recommend books for their partners, especially those whose partners have acknowledged their abusive behavior. Unfortunately, it has been difficult to do so. It is my hope that this book will fill the gap and that the information I offer will help men and women who are willing to work toward change.
Another difference between this book and those written by other authors is that I do not assume that the abuser is a male and the victim is a female. While this is still primarily the case when it comes to physical abuse, more and more I am discovering that there are many females who emotionally abuse and many males who are the victims of emotional abuse. Both of these groups of people need help. Females who abuse are often completely unaware that their behavior is harming their partner or damaging their relationship. Males are often unaware that they are being abused or unwilling to admit it out of fear of being ridiculed by others and accused of being less than a man for putting up with it. Nor do I make the assumption that only heterosexual couples suffer from this problem. Gay men, lesbians, and bisexuals all experience emotional abuse in their relationships.
The Emotionally Abusive Relationship will also offer muchneeded help to couples who have slipped into a mutually unhealthy style of interacting with one another. I focus a great deal on the dynamics of an emotionally abusive relationship and how partners can work together to resolve their issues. I offer help to both partners and offer strategies to help them work together to stop the emotional abuse in their relationship.
Since I wrote The Emotionally Abused Woman I have also discovered that there are a large number of people who are in emotionally abusive relationships because one or both partners have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Some of the primary symptoms of this disorder are frequent emotional outbursts, radical mood swings, unreasonable expectations, and a tendency to blame one's partner for one's own problems-all forms of emotional abuse. The Emotionally Abusive Relationship will include information on Borderline Personality Disorder and its effects, as well as a section offering partners of borderline individuals strategies for dealing with the types of emotional abuse they are likely to experience.
Up to ten million North Americans suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, which seems to occur to a slightly higher degree among gay men and lesbian women. My hope is that the book will also be of interest to those who suffer from this debilitating disorder since many people wi
th BPD feel confused and ashamed by their own behavior. Those who are aware that they have become abusive to their partner and/or children will grow to understand themselves and their behavior better, and this will hopefully help them to work past the stigma of being an abuser. While there are now many books on the subject of BPD, few, if any, address the issue of how to overcome emotional abuse.
It is also true, of course, that people with BPD are also emotionally abused. Their tendency to become involved quickly and intensely often causes them to overlook significant warning signs that a partner is a potential abuser. In my recent book Loving Him without Losing You, I focused on helping women (both those who suffer from BPD and those who don't) to slow down and get to know a man before becoming too involved, and I suggested ways to maintain a separate life so they don't become isolated and lost in the relationship-one of the reasons why women stay in abusive relationships. In The Emotionally Abusive Relationship, I offer further help for women who need to establish firmer boundaries and develop a stronger sense of self.
A Step-by-Step Program
Most people who are in an emotionally abusive relationship feel stuck, hopeless, and desperate. They want help to understand the dynamics that are going on, but they don't know where to turn. Many have attempted marital or couples counseling but are often disappointed. Most victims of emotional abuse don't realize they are being abused, and many blame themselves for the problems in the relationship. Because emotional abuse can be so subtle, it is extremely difficult for therapists to recognize it during counseling sessions. Recognizing and stopping emotional abuse takes special knowledge and skills that many therapists simply don't have. Couples are often on their best behavior, and even those who are more upfront aren't always able to present an accurate picture of what actually goes on between them. Often it is the person who is being abused who is presented as the identified patient (the one with the problem). Because emotional abuse causes a person to doubt his or her perceptions, and to blame himself or herself for all the problems in the relationship, the abused party often takes on the role of the identified patient quite willingly. The abuser not only goes unrecognized but can also feel bolstered by the counseling experience as his or her perceptions are validated and his or her beliefs are reinforced.
Many television talk shows and relationship gurus continually send the message that resolving relationship issues is merely a matter of learning better communication skills or honoring each other's dif ferences. But if one or both partners are being emotionally abusive, it doesn't matter how hard a couple tries to communicate feelings, how much they attempt to understand the differences between the sexes, and how tolerant they try to be-the problem is not going to go away. In fact, often those who are being emotionally abused become even more confused and doubt their perceptions even more after listening to people who espouse such glib and quick answers. Worse yet, some relationship experts espouse the idea that a person can change simply by deciding they are going to do so. They seem to ignore the fact that behaviors such as being abusive or allowing abuse to occur are deeply ingrained patterns established when we are young. To tell a person they are choosing to be abusive or to be abused is not only insulting but can be extremely damaging.
The Emotionally Abusive Relationship offers the kind of help readers may not have been able to receive in the past through either therapy or other books. In it I offer the same help I offer my private clients. I will present a step-by-step program for working through the unfinished business from the past that has contaminated present relationships. I'll also provide strategies readers can use in their daily lives to help them stay focused on the present, as well as healthy ways to cope with the anger, the shame, the stress, and the insecurities that have propelled them into acting in emotionally abusive ways. For those couples who are willing to stop blaming one another and start taking responsibility for their own patterns, this can mean the difference between separation or divorce and salvaging your relationship.
How the Book Is Organized
The Emotionally Abusive Relationship offers strategies that will help couples no matter what your specific situation. There are separate chapters for the person who is being abused, the abusive partner, and the couple who are abusing each other. If you are being abused, you need to learn how to stop taking in the abusive words, gestures, or behavior of your partner and how to confront your partner when he or she becomes abusive. If you are being abusive, you need strategies to help you catch yourself in the act and find healthier ways to cope with stress, anger, disappointment, insecurity, and shame. If you're part of a couple who emotionally abuse each other, you need to learn how you can work together to stop the abuse. You need to understand your partner's history as much as your own so you can gain empathy for his or her struggles and offer the right kind of support. And you need help in developing a plan of action you can use when you start to get into trouble.
The book is divided into three parts. In Part One, "Identifying and Understanding Emotional Abuse," I explain in detail how emotional abuse poisons and even destroys intimate relationships. I define emotional abuse and describe the various types of emotional abuse that exist. I also explain in detail how most emotional abuse is unconscious and how most people who emotionally abuse their partners are doing so because they themselves were emotionally abused in childhood or in previous relationships.
In Part Two, "Stopping the Abuse," I offer strategies to help couples stop the emotional abuse that is destroying their relationship. I present separate chapters for the abused, the abuser, and the couple who are caught up in an abusive cycle, as well as chapters for those suffering from a personality disorder or those whose partner suffers from such a disorder.
Part Three, "Where Do You Go from Here?" offers information that will help couples and individuals decide whether they can salvage their relationship. It will also offer information on how victims of emotional abuse can recover from its devastating effects and how both abusers and victims of abuse can prevent emotional abuse in the future.
At the end of most chapters, I recommend one or more films. These films illustrate either a type of emotional abuse or a point I am making in the chapter. I encourage you to see these films to help you further understand how emotional abuse affects individuals and couples.
Emotional AbuseThe Destroyer of Relationships
No matter what Tracey does, she just can't seem to please her boyfriend. He complains constantly-about the way she dresses, the way she talks, the amount of time she spends on the phone with her friends-and even though she's taken his concerns to heart and made changes in these areas, he always seems to find something else to complain about. "I love him and I want him to be happy, but I'm confused," Tracey explained to me. "Sometimes it seems like no matter what I do he never seems to be satisfied, and at other times I begin to think that maybe I do things deliberately just to upset him."
Robert's wife isn't speaking to him again. This time it's been two weeks. Although it's happened many times before, it still bothers him immensely. "I feel like a bad boy who is being punished by his mother. It's not just the silent treatment that bothers me, it's the dirty looks, as well."
Over the years, Robert has learned to stay away from his wife and give her time to cool down. "It doesn't do any good to try to apologize or explain my side of the story-she refuses to listen, and often it makes her more angry. When she's ready to start talking to me again, she will-until then, I just have to suffer in silence."
Jason's lover, Mark, is extremely possessive and jealous. "He has to know where I am twenty-four hours a day," Jason complained to me. "He calls me at work several times a day, and if I'm away from my desk, he gets really angry and wants to know where I was and what I was doing. There are several nice-looking men in my office, and Mark is convinced I'm going to have an affair with one of them. It does absolutely no good at all for me to try to reassure him. And he's constantly accusing me of flirting. The worst part about it is that I'm beginning to ques
tion myself. I don't think I flirt, but maybe I do without realizing it."
Although Tracey, Robert, and Jason don't realize it, they are all being emotionally abused. The same is true of thousands of other women and men like them. Slowly, systematically, their self-confidence is whittled away, their self-esteem is eroded, and their perception of themselves is distorted-and yet they don't even know it is happening.
An individual or a couple can remain locked in a prison of conflict, humiliation, fear, and anger for years without realizing that they are in an emotionally abusive relationship. They may assume that all couples fight as they do or that all women (or men) are treated as they are. Often, emotional abuse between couples is denied, made light of, or written off as simple conflicts or "love-spats" when in fact one or both partners are being severely damaged psychologically. Even those who realize they are being emotionally abused tend to blame themselves or make excuses for their partner's behavior. Little do they know that by allowing their partner to continue this kind of destructive behavior, they are actually participating in destroying their relationship. Emotional abuse is one of the prime factors in creating dysfunctional relationships and one of the major causes for separation or divorce.
What Is Emotional Abuse?
When most people think of emotional abuse, they usually think of one or both partners belittling or criticizing the other. But emotional abuse is much more than verbal abuse. Emotional abuse can be defined as any nonphysical behavior that is designed to control, intimidate, subjugate, demean, punish, or isolate another person through the use of degradation, humiliation, or fear.
Emotionally abusive behavior ranges from verbal abuse (belittling, berating, constant criticism) to more subtle tactics like intimidation, manipulation, and refusal to be pleased. We will take much more in-depth looks at the various types of emotional abuse in the next chapter, but for now, here are some examples of emotional abuse in intimate relationships:
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