Others actually believe they deserve to be treated poorly. While most people aren't consciously aware that this is their motivation for staying in an abusive relationship, it is actually quite common. Adult survivors of childhood abuse and neglect often blame themselves for whatever happens in their adult relationships. This misdirected blame originates in their childhood since children who are neglected or abused almost always blame themselves for their parents' mistreatment. Children have an investment in perceiving their parents as all good. To face the truth about her parents' neglectful or abusive treatment would cause the child to feel angry with her parents, to feel separated from her parents, and to face her aloneness. Therefore, it becomes much easier to blame herself for her parents' behavior and to convince herself that, "If I only hadn't done such and such, he wouldn't have gotten so mad at me," or "She doesn't love me because I'm a bad kid."
Children who are raised in an emotionally healthy environment are able to develop what is called object constancy, meaning they perceive of their parents as both good and bad-"Sometimes my mother can be nice, and other times she can be mean." Along with object constancy, these children develop the awareness that they are indeed separate from their parents-"When my mother is mean, it may not have anything to do with me." These children grow up into adults who aren't likely to blame themselves for their parents' problems or mistreatment nor for anyone else's problems or mistreatment. But those children who are emotionally abused or neglected seldom develop object constancy and never truly separate from their parents. They tend to continue blaming themselves for their parents' problems and mistreatment as well as the problems and mistreatment of those close to them. If a partner mistreats them, they blame themselves. After all, they deserve to be mistreated because they are bad people.
Others feel they deserve to be treated poorly because they feel they are worthless, inferior, or inadequate. For example, those who were sexually abused as children or raped as young adults often feel like damaged goods or blame themselves for the abuse-"If I would have obeyed my parents, it wouldn't have happened"; "If I hadn't gone to that party.. ."; "If I hadn't worn that short skirt..." Those who were sexually abused more than one time are particularly prone to blaming themselves-"Why does this keep happening to me? I must be asking for it in some way." This self-blame, and the shame that ensues, causes those who were sexually abused to feel less than others and to believe that they deserve any poor treatment that comes their way.
Still others believe they deserve to be abused because they feel guilty for real or imagined transgressions in their past. For example, those who have mistreated others in the past often feel that they deserve to be mistreated in kind.
When Earl was growing up, he bullied and harassed his sisters mercilessly. "I took all my anger at my parents out on them. I saw them as being weak like me, and I hated them for it. The more they took my abuse, the more I dished it out. The more I dished it out, the more I hated myself for it, but I just couldn't stop. I knew I was hurting them like my parents had hurt me, and I felt terrible about it. My oldest sister told me that she even had to go to therapy because of it. So now, when my wife goes into a rage and tells me what a horrible person I am, there's a part of me that believes her. And there's a part of me that figures I deserve anything she can dish out."
EXERCISE: Why You Stay
There are many other reasons why victims of emotional abuse continue to stay in unacceptable, even dangerous, relationships. I've listed the most common below. Note which statements apply to you:
•My partner told me it was my fault, and I believe her.
•I'm afraid I am as unlovable (unattractive, stupid, irritating) as he says I am.
•I'm afraid no one will ever love me again like she does.
•I'm afraid of my own anger or my own potential to be abusive (it's better to be the victim than to be the abuser).
•I don't want to leave him all alone.
•I'm afraid of what he will do if I try to leave.
•I don't want to take the kids away from him.
•I'm afraid I can't make it on my own financially.
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT SET ONE UP FOR ABUSE
There are specific personality traits and characteristics that predispose one to becoming a victim of emotional abuse. For example, those who doubt themselves-their intellect, their opinions, their perceptions-often gravitate toward people who seem to be extremely sure of themselves. Whereas a more self-assured person might find a know-it-all offensive, self-doubters are actually comfortable with such a person and may even choose him as a partner. They find it far easier and more comfortable to depend on their partner's certainty than to have to deal with their own uncertainty. Unfortunately, knowit-ails tend to think they know what is best for their partners and that they have the right to insist that their partners do as they say. It is often only a small step from being a know-it-all to becoming a tyrant.
The following is a list of the personality traits that set one up for emotional abuse:
•A strong desire to avoid confrontation
•A tendency to pretend things are better than they are
•A tendency to feel responsible for others
•A tendency to blame oneself for problems in a relationship
•A fear of being alone
•A tendency to doubt oneself, including one's perceptions
•A tendency to make excuses for another's behavior
•A tendency to be naive about others and to believe that love makes one a better person
Once you understand why you have put up with the abuse, you can begin to forgive yourself and free yourself from the clutches of your past.
Step Four. Understand Your Pattern and Work on Completing Your Unfinished Business
In order to break your pattern of becoming involved with abusive people, you must first recognize your pattern. For example, when you look back on your previous relationships, do you recognize the fact that many of your partners were very similar in terms of temperament, personality characteristics, and possibly even physical characteristics? If you are having difficulty seeing the parallels, the following exercise may help:
EXERCISE: What's Your Type?
1. On a piece of paper, draw two parallel lines dividing the page into three columns.
2. In the first column, make a list of the behaviors and personality traits of your current partner. Include such things as not very smart, lazy, brilliant, quiet, dependent, loud, loyal.
3. In the second column, make a list of the traits and behaviors of your previous partner.
4. In the third column, make a list of the traits and behaviors of your partner before the previous one.
Take a look at your three lists and notice any similarities among the three partners. Circle the words that seem to be repeated. Notice that while you may describe the men or women in different terms, their basic personalities may be similar. For example, you may have described one partner as charismatic and another as charming, but you are actually describing the same personality type.
Most people discover that there are striking similarities between all their partners. While the faces and bodies may change, the personalities remain the same. If you find this to be true, this is a key to your pattern. It is not a coincidence that you have chosen partners with similar personalities and behavioral traits. The chances are very high that you have done so in an attempt to complete your unfinished business with an original abuser.
5. Now compare your lists to your work from chapter 4 on discovering your original abuser. Do you find that your partners all share personality traits that are similar to those of your original abuser? Again, be flexible in your analysis. There will obviously be some differences, but look for the possibility that you may have described the same behavior or personality traits in slightly different ways.
6. If you don't see any similarity between your past and current partners and your original abuser, or you have been unable to discover who
your original abuser was, complete this part of the exercise. On another piece of paper, make a vertical line down the center of the page. In the first column, describe your father; in the second, describe your mother. Now compare this sheet with the page where you listed your last three partners' characteristics in three columns. The chances are very high that there are significant similarities between your partners' characteristics and one or both of your parents' characteristics. If this is true, it is likely that one or both of your parents is your original abuser, whether you tend to perceive them in this way or not.
Sometimes those who have completed this exercise realize that they have made sure they were not with a partner who is like one or both of their parents. Instead, they've chosen partners who are the exact opposite. This is often an even stronger indication that one or both of their parents was their original abuser.
Now that you've discovered the origin of your pattern, in order to break it, you must complete your unfinished business. This includes all the following:
•Admit to yourself that you were neglected, abandoned, or abused by your parents (or other caretakers). This may be difficult for you to do, but it is essential if you are going to be able to break your pattern. The simple truth is you would not be in an emotionally abusive relationship if you didn't have a prior history of abuse or neglect.
•Acknowledge to yourself that you have unresolved feelings of anger, pain, fear, and shame because of this neglect or abuse. As a victim of emotional abuse, you are probably out of touch with your feelings a great deal of the time. You are likely accustomed to repressing your emotions, ignoring or minimizing your pain, and hiding how you really feel from yourself and others. You may be afraid to explore the feelings that are hiding under the surface for fear of being overwhelmed by them or of your emotions creating havoc in your life. In reality, you have more to be concerned about if you don 't express them. The more you repress and suppress your emotions, the more likely it is that they will burst out of you when you least expect them. Also, it is often because you have held in your emotions that you are attracted to people who freely express theirsincluding abusive partners. This is particularly the case with anger-it is as if your partner is acting out your feelings of anger for you.
EXERCISE: Your Body Memories
Even when we unconsciously repress our emotions, our bodies remember them. These memories are called body memories. Your body holds memories of what it was like when you were a child, how it felt when you were neglected, criticized, and rejected. It remembers the pain and anger with stiffness, muscle constrictions, and tension.
1.On a sheet of paper, describe any body sensations you are aware of right now as you read this material.
2.See if you can assign the name of an emotion to each bodily sensation. For example: "I am aware that my shoulders are tense. I think this tension comes from fear."
3.Write about an incident in your childhood in which you felt this bodily sensation and the corresponding emotion. For example, "I remember tensing my shoulders when my mother would criticize me."
As you continue to bring back memories of your childhood, your body will react naturally, reminding you of what you survived. Pay close attention to your body's messages, and allow the natural physical reactions to occur.
•Find safe and constructive ways to release these suppressed and repressed emotions. Many people do not feel safe allowing themselves to cry or to release their anger, especially when they are all alone. They fear they will "go crazy," or that their emotions will never end. If this is your situation, I encourage you to seek the support of a professional psychotherapist or to join a group for survivors of emotional abuse. Because our bodies hold repressed anger, it can be especially helpful to release your anger physically, but for some, this is particularly threatening. It may help if you ask your body how it would like to express the anger. Your body will tell you what you need to do if you pay attention. You may need to hit, to kick, to throw things, or to scream. There are many methods for releasing anger in constructive ways. They include:
1.Write a letter to your original abuser that you do not send. Include everything you've wanted to say, holding nothing back.
2.Talk out loud as if you were having a conversation with your original abuser.
3.Yell into a pillow.
4.Tear all the pages out of an old telephone book.
5.Stomp on old egg cartons or squash aluminum cans.
6.Lie on your bed and have a childlike temper tantrum by thrashing your arms and legs.
•Confront (either directly or indirectly) those who abused or neglected you in childhood. If you feel you can confront your original abusers directly without endangering yourself or others, by all means do so. Many people find that an indirect confrontation is more advantageous, either because their original abuser is too sick and old or is still abusive or because they have tried confronting directly in the past without positive results. For these and other reasons, most people choose to confront indirectly by using one of the following techniques:
1.Letter writing. Write down everything you've always wanted to say, making sure you include the following points: (1) what the abuser did to anger/hurt you; (2) how it damaged you and influenced your life; (3) what you want from the abuser now (i.e., an apology, better treatment). After you've completed the letter, you can decide whether you want to send it to your original abuser.
2.Imaginary conversation. Pretend you are talking to your original abuser and tell him or her exactly how you feel. Don't hold anything back. You may want to pretend that the person is sitting in a chair across from you (many survivors find that it helps to put a picture of the person in the chair).
Confrontingyour original abuser, even if it is an indirect confrontation, will allow you to take back your power and prove to yourself that you are no longer going to allow him or her to frighten or control you.
•Resolve your relationship with your original abuser. Resolving your relationship with your parents (or whoever your original abuser was) is one of the most important steps you can take to break your pattern of being abused. All the work you have done so far-admitting you were abused, releasing your anger, and confronting your original abuser-are all necessary in order for you to resolve your relationship. In addition, you may also need to follow these suggestions:
1.If you continue to be too dependent on your parents (or grandparents or sibling), begin making your own decisions and relying less on them for guidance and feedback. This may also involve severing any financial ties you have with your parents that may be keeping you in a dependent relationship with them and from gaining the confidence of knowing you can take care of yourself.
2.If you have parents who continue to be overly controlling or smothering, let them know (in a nonblaming way, if possible) that you are no longer comfortable with the old pattern of relating. Once you have done this, you will need to maintain your position and your boundaries despite any threats or manipulation from them.
3.If your parents continue to be abusive-either emotionally, physically, or sexually-you need to confront them about their unacceptable behavior or temporarily separate from them in order to gain enough strength to confront them.
4.If you have been estranged from your parents for some time, you may need to consider gradually reestablishing the relationship on your own terms.
GET SUPPORT
Completing your unfinished business will take work, determination, and, preferably, the support and guidance of a therapist or other group members who are going through a similar process. If you have not already sought out the help of a professional therapist or joined a group for victims of abuse, I suggest you do so. You're going to need all the support and guidance you can get, and depending on your circumstances, you may need more than this book can offer.
Step Five: Confront Your Partner on His or Her Abusive Behavior
It's very likely that you've already spent many hours trying to understand your partner's behavio
r, explaining to your partner why you are upset, or trying to figure out what went wrong in the relationship, only to discover that none of these methods were effective in stopping the abuse. Some of you have also discovered that the strategies of trying to reason with your partner or just complaining about his behavior have not been effective. You must begin to respond to his inappropriate or unacceptable behavior in a new way-a way that will make an impact on him. The following strategies will help you respond in such a way. I suggest you practice or role-play these strategies with a friend or counselor before you try them with your partner, especially if you tend to become overwhelmed, frightened, or tongue-tied when he or she is being abusive. If you don't have someone with whom to practice, you can put an empty chair in front of you and imagine that your partner is sitting in it. This will help you get over some of your fears about confronting him or her and will make you more confident about what you want to say. The following suggestions will further prepare you for your confrontations:
•Be sure to speak clearly and firmly. Hold your head up high and look directly into your partner's eyes.
•Make sure your feet are firmly planted on the ground, whether you are standing or sitting.
•Take a deep breath before beginning your confrontation and make sure your eyes are clear and that you are in the present. (Often emotional or verbal abuse can trigger childhood memories and catapult you into the past.)
There are two ways to confront. You can sit down with your partner and have a talk with him about the fact that he is being inappropriate or disrespectful toward you, or you can call him on his behavior or attitude the next time he is abusive. The way you choose to go about confronting your partner will have a lot to do with the status of your relationship. If you and your partner are still emotionally close a great deal of the time and are still able to communicate with one another over most issues, approach number one-a serious discussion-may be the best choice. This approach will be especially effective if you have not confronted him on his abusive behavior in the past. If, on the other hand, you have confronted him before and he has ignored you or insisted that you are making too much of it, then you may need to try the second approach and confront him whenever he commits the abusive behavior. This is also the best approach for couples who have grown distant and noncommunicative.
The Emotionally Abusive Relationship_How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing Page 10