RECOMMENDED FILMS
The War of the Roses (a vivid portrayal of an emotionally abusive couple)
Four Seasons (an hilarious yet poignant view of couples in transition)
Women are taught to enhance other people at the expense of the self, men are taught to bolster the self, often at the expense of others. It's hard to get it all in balance.
HARRIET LERNER, PH.D.,
The Dance of Intimacy
In addition to one or both partners repeating patterns from the past, emotional abuse is sometimes caused by the fact that one or both partners have a personality disorder. What is a personality disorder? According to the DSM-V, The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (which is used by mental health professionals to help determine psychological diagnoses), a personality disorder is an enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates markedly from the expectation of the individual's culture, is pervasive and inflexible (unlikely to change), is stable over time, and leads to distress or impairment in interpersonal relationships.
In addition to the inability to have successful relationships, those with a personality disorder suffer from disturbances in self-image, ways of perceiving themselves and others, appropriateness of range of emotion, and difficulties with impulse control. There are ten types of personality disorders, some of which can cause a person to exhibit behavior that can be experienced as emotionally abusive.
There are two personality disorders that stand out from the others because those who suffer from them will almost always create an emotionally abusive environment when they are in an intimate relationship. These disorders are Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). While other personality disorders and mental illnesses can cause a person to at times become emotionally abusive, they are not characterized by emotional abuse as are these two disorders. (Two noted exceptions to this rule are those who suffer from Antisocial Personality Disorder, which I described earlier as an abusive personality, and Paranoid Personality Disorderwhich is characterized by a pervasive distrust and suspiciousness of others. These people are almost always emotionally abusive in their relationships, and on an ongoing basis. But those who suffer from these personality disorders are often unreachable, even by professional psychotherapists, and are certainly not going to be helped by a self-help book. Even though BPD and NPD are serious disorders, those who suffer from them are not beyond help.)
I have also singled out BPD and NPD because they-more than any other personality disorders or mental illnesses-are thought to be primarily caused by emotional abuse or neglect in childhood. While all personality disorders have a combination of causes-parental upbringing, personality and social development, and genetic and biological factors-BPD and NPD appear to consistently have emotional abuse at their core.
Another reason for my focus is that BPD and NPD are considered by many to be the personality disorders of our time. The sheer numbers of people suffering from these disorders has caused a great deal of focus on them, including a great deal of research as to their cause. Still another reason for the focus on BPD and NPD is the fact that those with BPD tend to become attracted to those with NPD and vice versa. This frequent coupling creates one of the most common types of emotionally abusive relationship.
In this chapter I will define and describe these two personality disorders and illustrate how each is manifested and how each is experienced as emotional abuse by the other partner. I will also provide questionnaires to help you determine whether your partner may have one of these two disorders. I will then offer concrete advice and strategies that partners can use to help them maintain their sanity and to work toward eliminating the most damaging emotional abuse in the relationship.
Please note that the majority of those suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder are women and the majority of those with Narcissistic Personality Disorder are men. There has been much speculation as to why this is so, including the idea that males in almost every culture are discouraged from expressing their emotions openly (with the exception of anger) and are severely stigmatized when they act in any way that can be construed as weak. Therefore, most males are more likely to hold in their emotions and to build up strong defensive walls to protect themselves from getting hurt by others. This defensive wall is characteristic of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Females, on the other hand, are given permission to express their more vulnerable feelings, such as pain and fear, but discouraged from expressing anger. They are more likely to turn their anger in on themselves and consequently suffer from low self-esteem, overwhelming shame, and depression as a result. These three symptoms are characteristic of those who suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder. Throughout the book I have been changing back and forth from using the male pronoun to the female pronoun. In the next two chapters, however, I will primarily use "she" when discussing borderline individuals and "he" when discussing narcissistic individuals. Keep in mind this does not mean there are no male borderlines or female narcissists, however.
Determining Whether Your Partner Suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder
Those involved with a partner who has BPD or who suffers from strong borderline traits often do not realize they are being emotionally abused. They may know they are unhappy in their relationship, but they may blame themselves or be confused about what is causing the continual disruption in their relationship. They are often blamed for the relationship problems or made to feel that if they would only be more loving, more understanding, more sexual, or more exciting, their relationship would improve. To the contrary, it is often the case that a partner of a borderline is actually codependent or dependent, causing him to be extremely patient and willing to put up with intolerable behavior.
Partly because they are constantly being blamed for things they did not do, those involved with borderline individuals often come to doubt their own perceptions or their sanity. Often accused of behaving, thinking, or feeling in ways that upset their partner, they tend to adapt a careful style of living that authors Paul Mason and Randi Kreger call "walking on eggshells." Many come to believe that they are not only the cause of their relationship problems but the cause of their partner's emotional problems as well.
QUESTIONNAIRE: Does Your Partner Suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder?
The following questions, adapted from Stop Walking on Eggshells by Paul Mason and Randi Kreger, will help you determine whether your partner suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder or has strong borderline traits.
1. Has your partner caused you a great deal of emotional pain and distress?
2. Have you come to feel that anything you say or do could potentially be twisted and used against you?
3. Does your partner often put you in a no-win situation?
4. Does your partner often blame you for things that aren't your fault?
5. Are you criticized and blamed for everything wrong in the relationship or everything that is wrong in your partner's life, even when it makes no logical sense?
6. Do you find yourself concealing what you think or feel because you are afraid of your partner's reaction or because it doesn't seem worth the hurt feelings or the terrible fight that will undoubtedly follow?
7. Are you the focus of intense, violent, and irrational rages, alternating with periods when your partner acts normal and loving? Do others have a difficult time believing you when you explain that this is going on?
8. Do you often feel manipulated, controlled, or lied to by your partner? Do you feel like you are the victim of emotional blackmail?
9. Do you feel like your partner sees you as either all good or all bad, with nothing in between? Does there seem to be no rational reason for the switch in his or her perception of you?
10. Does your partner often push you away when you are feeling close?
11. Are you afraid to ask for things in the relationship because you will be accused of being too demanding or told there is something wro
ng with you?
12. Does your partner tell you that your needs are not important or act in ways that indicate that this is how she or he feels?
13. Does your partner frequently denigrate or deny your point of view?
14. Do you feel you can never do anything right or that his or her expectations are constantly changing?
15. Are you frequently accused of doing things you didn't do or saying things you didn't say? Do you feel misunderstood a great deal of the time, and when you attempt to explain, does your partner not believe you?
16. Does your partner frequently criticize you or put you down?
17. When you try to leave the relationship, does your partner try to prevent you from leaving by any means possible (e.g., declarations of love, promises to change or get help, implicit or explicit threats of suicide or homicide)?
18. Do you have a hard time planning activities (social engagements, vacations) because of your partner's moodiness, impulsiveness, or unpredictability? Do you make excuses for her behavior or try to convince yourself that everything is okay?
If you answered yes to more than half of these questions, especially questions 9 to 18, your partner likely has traits associated with Borderline Personality Disorder. As you can see from this list, many of the above behaviors have already been described in this book as emotionally abusive (e.g., constant criticism, unreasonable expectations, constant chaos, emotional blackmail, gaslighting). What you were probably unaware of was that many of these abusive behaviors are also symptoms of a personality disorder. While it is impossible to diagnose someone without seeing them, I can say with a great deal of certainty that if your partner thinks, feels, and behaves in many of these ways, she probably suffers from BPD. For more information on the characteristics of BPD, refer to the next chapter and to the books recommended at the end of this book.
Twin Fears-Abandonment and Engulfment
At the core of all these feelings and behaviors are the twin fears of abandonment and engulfment. Those who suffer from BPD or have strong borderline tendencies almost always experienced some form of abandonment when they were an infant or child. This abandonment may have been physical (e.g., the hospitalization of a parent, the death of a parent, being put up for adoption, being left in a crib for hours at a time) or emotional (e.g., having a mother who was unable to bond with her child, being an unwanted child whose mother neglected her, having a detached and unloving father). This physical or emotional abandonment causes the borderline individual to be either extremely afraid of being rejected or abandoned in an intimate relationship and having to feel the original wounding all over again, or to be distant and detached as a way of defending herself from the potential pain of intimacy. In many cases, the borderline individual actually vacillates from one extreme to the other. At one point in time, she may herself be emotionally smothering-desperately clinging to her partner, demanding a great deal of attention, begging her partner to never leave her. At another point in time, perhaps only hours or days later, the same person can be overwhelmed with the fear of being engulfed. She may become distant and withdrawn for no apparent reason, or she may push her partner away by accusing him of not loving her, of being unfaithful, of no longer finding her attractive. She may even accuse him of being too needy.
This vacillation between clinging behavior and rejecting behavior is actually quite common in those with BPD. Over the course of a relationship, the most typical pattern that emerges is that a borderline individual will fall in love very quickly and will push for instant intimacy. She may seem to have few, if any, boundaries-insisting on seeing her lover every day, sharing her deepest, darkest secrets, even pushing to marry or live together right away. But once she has captured her partner's heart and received some kind of commitment from him, a typical borderline individual may suddenly become distant, critical, or have second thoughts about the relationship. She may stop wanting to have sex, saying that she feels they had sex too early and didn't get to know one another in other ways. She may suddenly become suspicious of her partner, accusing him of using her or of being unfaithful. She may begin to find fault in everything he does and question whether she really loves him. This distancing behavior may even verge on paranoia. She may begin to listen in on her partner's phone calls, check on his background, or question past lovers.
This behavior on the part of the person suffering from BPD may cause her partner to question the relationship, or it may make him so angry that he distances from her. When this occurs, she will suddenly feel the other fear-the fear of abandonment-and she will become needy, clingy, and "instantly intimate" once again. For some partners, this vacillation may be merely perplexing, but for many it is extremely upsetting. And in some cases, it will cause the partner to want to end the relationship. When this occurs, there will no doubt be a very dramatic scene in which the borderline individual may beg for him to stay, threaten to kill herself if he doesn't, or even threaten to kill him if he tries to leave her.
Even though many of the typical behaviors of a person suffering from BPD are clearly emotionally abusive (e.g., constant chaos, constant criticism, unreasonable expectations), often the relationship becomes mutually abusive because the borderline partner pushes her partner to his limit, and he ends up acting out in frustration and anger. This kind of vacillating behavior is very difficult for most people to cope with, and few come away from the situation without losing their temper or resorting to abusive tactics themselves. When someone is sobbing and clinging to your legs as you try to walk out the door, it is difficult to squelch the desire to either gather them up in your arms or kick them away. If you gather them up in your arms and promise to never leave, it will be difficult for you to ever respect your partner again. You may stay, but you will never see her as an equal again, and this will be an open invitation for you to become emotionally abusive toward her. If you push her away, you may be accused of being physically abusive. Or she may become so enraged with you for rejecting her that she physically attacks you and you are forced to defend yourself. If you are a man, you'll have a difficult time explaining why you kicked or hit an innocent woman. If you really lose your temper and hurt her, you may end up staying with her out of guilt, but you're very likely to repeat your abusive behavior the next time she frustrates you.
Strategies to Help You Cope and to Stop the Emotional Abuse
1. Acknowledge What You Are Getting Out of Being in the Relationship
Women and men who become involved with a partner who suffers from BPD soon discover that their partner is a deeply unhappy per son. Many learn that their partner had a desperately unhappy childhood, often suffering from either physical or sexual abuse or severe neglect and abandonment. Under the circumstances, it is natural for you to want to be a positive influence in your partner's life and to somehow make up for the severe pain and loneliness she has experienced. Unfortunately, this may have lead you to put up with unacceptable behavior and to swallow your anger and ignore your own needs. This is what is commonly referred to as codependent behavior on your part (codependents typically avoid their own problems by focusing on those of someone else).
You are not helping a partner with BPD by subordinating your own needs and by putting up with unacceptable behavior. In fact, this enables or reinforces inappropriate behavior on the part of your partner. With no negative consequences for their actions, they have no motivation to change.
2. Identify Your Partner's Triggers
Borderline individuals tend to react spontaneously and sometimes intensely to certain situations, words, or actions-triggers. Knowing what your partner's triggers are can help you avoid some conflicts. Since perceived abandonment is a huge trigger for those with BPD, know ahead of time that by setting limits, you will likely be perceived as shutting her out. Your need for time away from the relationship will likely be perceived as you pulling away from her or even of you ending the relationship. Knowing this may help you to anticipate her reaction, be more sensitive to her feelings when she reacts
, and help you to stay detached and not get sucked into her drama. Of course, you cannot avoid all her triggers all the time, and you must keep in mind that your partner's behavior is her responsibility, not yours. See chapter 9 for a list of common BPD triggers.
3. Try to Find Patterns in Her Behavior
Some people suffering from BPD are actually quite predictable if you know what to look for. For example, notice the circumstances surrounding her outbursts, depressions, or bouts with anxiety. Were there factors such as the time of day, the presence or absence of alcohol (in you and in her), or the presence of a specific person? Behavior that is predictable can be much easier to handle than behavior that seemingly comes out of nowhere. Taking the time to know your partner and her moods will help you to understand her better, avoid conflicts, and help you stop taking her outbursts personally.
4. Determine Your Limits and Set Appropriate Boundaries
Refer to chapter 5 for information on how to do this.
5. Get a Reality Check
If you become confused about whether or not you are guilty of the behavior or attitude that your partner is accusing you of, check it out with close friends or family members. While it is not usually advisable for partners in a relationship to involve others in their domestic problems, in your situation it may be the only way you can stay clear about what is the truth about you and what is a projection or fantasy on your partner's part. Since borderline individuals can also be very perceptive about others and may be the only people who are willing to tell you the truth about yourself, it can be even more confusing.
For example, your partner may complain to you that you are insensitive to her needs and too focused on yourself. You may not feel that this is true since you spend a great deal of time trying to make her happy, but after hearing this complaint over and over, you might come to doubt your perceptions. It is time for a reality check. It's quite possible that you are rather self-focused, since it is common for those who suffer from BPD and those with NPD (characterized by self-absorption) to become involved with one another. But it is also possible that your partner is projecting (attributing her own denied qualities onto you) or confusing you with her parent(s). Of course, you can't always depend on your friends or family to always tell you the truth, but if you let them know it is important and that you would appreciate their honesty, they will likely tell you how they really perceive you. While you might be different with your friends and family than you are with your partner, more than likely they have observed you in many different situations and with previous lovers, and you can probably trust their perception of you.
The Emotionally Abusive Relationship_How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing Page 17