•Realize that while he can dish out criticism, he can't take it, especially if it involves pulling his covers-exposing the vulnerabilities and weaknesses under his facade. In fact, even constructive criticism is experienced as a deep wounding in the narcissistic individual. This feeling of being wounded is so profound and so specific to narcissistic individuals that there is a psychological term for it-"narcissistic wounding." When you suggest or point something out to him, don't be surprised if he takes it as a criticism and reacts very strongly. He may lash out at you, he may huff out of the room, or he may give you the silent treatment. You may be able to help the situation by saying to him at a later time, "I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I was only trying to make a suggestion;" or "I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings, I was only trying to point something out that might help you"
•In spite of this sensitivity, you must stop the narcissistic individual from abusing you in any way. Even though he may not have intended to hurt your feelings, even though he may react very negatively at the time, confronting him is the only way to stop his abusiveness and the only way to gain or retain his respect.
•If he does make a positive change in his behavior, be sure to acknowledge it. Don't belabor the point since doing so may cause him to feel too vulnerable and his pride may rise up, causing him to be angry with you. Just acknowledge the change briefly and thank him for making it.
Unfortunately, once a narcissistic individual loses respect for you, it may be nearly impossible to regain it. It depends on how much you've allowed him to control you or abuse you in the past, how much whining and groveling you've done, and how much you've allowed him to see your neediness and vulnerability. If he shows no signs of respect for you whatsoever-he sighs and rolls his eyes when you talk, he laughs at you when you try to stand up to him, he challenges you to try to live without him-then there is little chance of ever regaining his respect, and the relationship will continue to be an abusive one. Your best bet is to work on gaining enough strength to end the relationship. If you choose to stay, all you can do is cut off his aggressiveness and abusiveness by confronting it at the moment and work on building a strong enough sense of self that your partner cannot erode your identity.
Above all, seek professional help to assist you in overcoming your anger and shame-shame at not being loved, shame at having accepted his humiliation for so long, and shame at what you have submitted to and undergone.
Should You Tell Your Partner That You Suspect He or She Has a Personality Disorder?
After reading this chapter and discovering that your partner may suffer from a personality disorder, you may feel eager to share this information with him or her. This is understandable since you probably feel relieved to learn that there is a reason for your partner's behavior, and you may assume that your partner may feel relieved to learn it as well. But unfortunately, this is usually not the case. Most partners become angry and defensive, and some respond with such shame and despair that they try to hurt themselves.
It is usually best if a person learns about their disorder from a therapist, not from their partner. The only exception to this rule is if your partner is actively seeking answers to why he or she is acting and feeling the way he or she does. If you do share this information with your partner, make sure you do so in a loving and caring way.
One of my goals for this chapter is to humanize these two personality disorders, since they have both been demonized by the media and even by some in the professional community. Many people view those suffering from personality disorders as freaks who are beyond help. This is absolutely not true. Those who suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder or Narcissistic Personality Disorder suffer from an illness as surely as those with depression or schizophrenia and many are victims of emotional, physical, or sexual abuse as children. Since the descriptions and the behavior of those who suffer from both BPD and NPD seem so negative, those diagnosed with these disorders tend to feel stigmatized. For this reason, it is important to realize that these disorders are something that people have, not something they are.
Understanding that your partner has a personality disorder will explain a great deal. It doesn't excuse his or her behavior, but it makes sense out of it. By understanding the disorder and the probable cause of the disorder, some partners can gain the necessary empathy that will be required in order for them to try to work out the problems in the relationship. For others, of course, it will mean you now have a legitimate reason to leave the relationship, and in some cases, this is probably the best option.
Learning that your partner has a personality disorder doesn't give you an excuse to stop working on your own issues and taking responsibility for your part in your relationship problems. This is especially true because partners of those with a personality disorder often have a personality disorder themselves.
When You Both Suffer from a Personality Disorder
It is quite common for those with a personality disorder to be highly attracted to each other. The most common and problematic combination-Borderline Personality Disorder with Narcissistic Personality Disorder-occurs for a couple of reasons. First of all, the root cause of both BPD and NPD are often essentially the samesevere neglect and abandonment, emotional abuse, and often physical and sexual abuse in childhood. In fact, it is not uncommon for a person to have both BPD and NPD tendencies. Those suffering from BPD and NPD or those who have strong tendencies in these directions are, in many ways, like kindred spirits who recognize each other across a crowded room. We can often recognize and empathize with the pain our partner endured more than we can our own.
Second, even though both people in these couplings suffered the same neglectful, abusive childhoods, they often reacted to and coped with their suffering in radically different ways. The borderline individual is overwhelmed with her unmet needs and constantly tries to get them met in other people. She often creates a chameleonlike identity by taking on the qualities and characteristics of those she admires. The narcissistic individual denies he has any needs, retreats inside himself, and creates a facade of self-sufficiency. The person with BPD will admire the narcissistic individual's seeming independence and self-reliance, and the person suffering from narcissism will recognize his own vulnerability and neediness in the borderline and will, in an odd way, admire this in her.
One of the reasons why this combination is so problematic is that the person suffering from NPD is commonly very self-absorbed and self-centered and is often lacking in the ability to empathize with others. The person suffering from BPD sets and maintains little or no boundaries and tends to overempathize with others. In this situation, the person with BPD will continually feel wounded by the fact that the person with NPD pays little or no attention to her and doesn't seem to care how she feels. The person suffering from narcissism, in turn, will feel outraged at the borderline individual's insistence that he pay attention to her and will attempt to bully her into submission. Since the partner with BPD looks to others for identity, having few real opinions, values, or boundaries of her own, she typically acquiesces, doubting her perceptions more and more as time goes by.
In a situation where both of you have a personality disorder it will be necessary for each of you to understand both your own issues and the issues of your partner in order for the relationship to work. With this new understanding and with the specific coping skills I teach in the book, it is possible for you to eliminate the emotional abuse in the relationship.
RECOMMENDED FILMS
Fatal Attraction (although extreme, it does portray one type of borderline partner)
Malice (another extreme example that shows how narcissistic people will sometimes do anything to achieve wealth or status)
The Talented Mr. Ripley (shows a male borderline individual taking on the identity of a male narcissist)
Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of overcoming it.
HELEN KELLER
In this chapter I offer step-by-step guidance for how tho
se with Borderline Personality Disorder or Narcissistic Personality Disorder can work toward curbing those characteristics and tendencies that are emotionally abusive to their partner, as well as how they can begin to better take care of their own needs in a relationship. Although the chapter was written specifically for someone with these disorders, as mentioned in the earlier chapter, I also encourage your partner to read it in order to better understand the unique problems someone with a personality disorder must face.
Both BPD and NPD have a stigma attached to them, but there are many people who suffer from these disorders. In fact, they are considered by many to be the personality disorders of our time. This may be due to the fact that so few of us grew up in a two-parent family, to the fact that more and more single mothers are raising children while at the same time having to earn a living, or to the fact that all forms of child abuse have been increasing over the years. It is generally believed that these personality disorders are caused, or at least exacerbated, by inadequate parenting, parental neglect, abandonment, and/or child abuse.
To add to the stigma that these two personality disorders carry, there has been very little public education concerning them, and consequently, what little information the public is privy to is usually misinformation. For example, we casually use the word "narcissist" to describe someone who seems to think only of himself or herself, someone who has an extremely high opinion of himself or herself, or someone who often pays a great deal of attention to his or her appearance and thinks he or she is extremely attractive. But the truth is that the person with NPD or narcissistic tendencies has developed a facade of extreme confidence to hide tremendous feelings of inadequacy.
When word got out that the woman who relentlessly pursued her ex-lover in the movie Fatal Attraction suffered from BPD, borderline individuals came to be associated with stalking and violent, sadistic behavior. While some people who have extreme versions of BPD can be violent, and some do stalk past lovers, the majority of borderline individuals do not engage in such behavior.
After reading the previous chapter, some of you may suspect or feel certain that you, too, suffer from a personality disorder. Others have known already. Today more health care providers are sharing this diagnosis with their patients, and in the past ten years, there have also been many books written for the layperson on the subjects of BPD and NPD and websites have been created specifically for those suffering from these disorders.
For those of you who suspect you suffer from BPD or NPD but still aren't certain, the information and questionnaires offered in this chapter may help. Of course, in order to be absolutely certain, you will need to be diagnosed by a qualified health care provider. Information on how to find such a person will be provided at the end of the book.
Do You Suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder?
My philosophy is that it is better to know something than to not know. It is better to know if you suffer from a disease or disorder than to go along blindly, acting as if nothing is wrong-particularly if you are causing your loved ones to suffer. The sooner you know what is wrong with you, the sooner you can get the help you need. According to the DSM-V, Borderline Personality Disorder is characterized by a pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects (moods) and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five or more of the following:
1.Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in number 5 below.
2.A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
3.Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable selfimage or sense of self.
4.Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, shoplifting, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in number 5 below.
5.Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.
6.Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days). (Dysphoria is the opposite of euphoria. It's a mixture of depression, anxiety, rage, and despair.)
7.Chronic feelings of emptiness.
8.Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
9.Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.
Please refer to the previous chapter for a questionnaire that will help you further determine whether you may suffer from this disorder or from borderline tendencies.
How Borderline Personality Disorder Can Lead to Emotionally Abusive Behavior
Those who suffer from BPD or strong borderline tendencies most often become emotionally abusive due to their tendency to project or transfer their own feelings, behaviors, or perceived traits onto others. Projection is a defense mechanism that we all use from time to time, but those suffering from BPD use it in excessive ways. Because they tend to be overwhelmed with self-criticism, self-loathing, and self-blame, and because they often cannot contain these feelings without dire consequences (deep depression, self-mutilation, or suicide attempts), borderline individuals tend to project their feelings of self-hatred outside themselves onto others. This can cause them to be extremely critical or judgmental of others, particularly those closest to them. Because they feel like there is something wrong with them, they accuse others of being inadequate and incapable. Often, their self-hatred comes out as verbal abuse, constant criticism, or unreasonable expectations.
Those suffering from BPD also accuse others of having feelings and thoughts that really belong to them. They often project their selfhatred by experiencing others, particularly their partner, as being disapproving of their actions or judgmental or critical of aspects of their personality. This can cause them to become almost paranoid, constantly assuming their partner is criticizing them when he or she is merely stating a preference or opinion.
The following are some examples of typical borderline projections:
•You think I'm too stupid to understand (I'm afraid I'm too stupid to understand).
•You don't think I'm pretty (I don't think I'm pretty).
•You don't think I did a good job (I don't think I'm capable of doing things right).
•You think I'm too impatient with the kids (I'm afraid I'm too impatient with the kids).
•You spend too much time at work so you won't have to be around me (I don't want to be around me so why would anyone else?).
Because people with BPD feel so innately bad about themselves, they cannot imagine how someone could love them. This can cause them to demand constant reassurance and proof of their partner's love and to become extremely jealous and possessive. They often demand all their partner's attention and accuse him or her of being unfaithful when there is absolutely no proof that any such infidelity has occurred.
CHELSEA: THE POT CALLING THE KETTLE BLACK
Projection also works in another way. If you suffer from BPD, you may accuse your partner of doing something that you are actually doing. For example, Chelsea often complained to her friends about her husband, Randall. She'd go out to lunch with a girlfriend and spend most of the time talking about how much Randall neglected her, how he worked late almost every night and was then too tired on the weekends to go anywhere with her. But this didn't stop her from worrying about what Randall told his friends and family about her. "I'll bet all you do is complain about me to your mother every time she calls," she'd accuse Randall. When she called her husband at work and his secretary answered, she'd accuse him of turning his secretary against her. "Why else is she so cold and formal with me?" she'd grill Randall. "You must have told her negative things about me to make
her dislike me the way she does."
In addition to projection, if you suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder or have strong borderline traits, there are many other aspects of your personality that can lead to abusive behavior. These personality traits include:
•Inappropriate, intense anger or an inability to control your anger. This includes frequent displays of temper or sudden outbursts, constantly being angry, getting into physical fights.
•A need to control your partner and your environment. Those who suffer from BPD need to feel in control of other people because they feel so out of control of themselves. In an attempt to make your world more predictable and manageable, you may order your partner around, require him to do things a certain way, insist on being the one in charge, or try to "make him over."
•Intense fear of rejection or abandonment. This may cause you to be extremely possessive, jealous, and controlling or to react in extreme, sometimes outrageous ways, such as bursting into a rage when your partner tells you he is going on a business trip or desperately clinging to a girlfriend who is threatening to end the relationship.
Thissame fear of abandonment may cause you to be hypervigilant-looking for any cues that might show you that your partner doesn't really care about you. If and when your fears seem to be confirmed, you may erupt in a rage, make outrageous accusations, seek revenge, or engage in some kind of self-destructive act.
•A tendency to alternately idealize and devalue a person or to view a person as either "all good" or "all bad." As long as you feel your partner is paying enough attention to you, appreciating your efforts and behaving in ways that cause you to respect him, you will likely perceive him as "all good." But as soon as he rejects you, disapproves of something you've done, or does something that you disapprove of, you may suddenly see him as "all bad" This may cause you to belittle or berate himsometimes in front of others (character assassination)-or to threaten to leave him (emotional blackmail).
The Emotionally Abusive Relationship_How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing Page 19