8. Begin to appreciate the simple beauty of life. Slow down, take long walks, and appreciate nature.
RECOMMENDED FILMS
Girl, Interrupted (realistic account of a young borderline individual)
Wild Iris (an excellent portrait of a narcissistic mother and how it affects both her daughter and grandson)
You never know what is enough unless you know what is more than enough.
WILLIAM BLAKE
The decision whether to continue your relationship or to end it will undoubtedly be a difficult one. Unless you are with someone who exhibits an abusive personality-someone whose road through life is strewn with people they have wounded or irreparably damaged-it is difficult to know when it is time to leave and when there is still a chance for some real change in the relationship. The information, exercises, and questionnaires in this chapter will help those of you who are undecided to determine whether you should stay or leave.
Good Reasons to Stay
There are both good and bad reasons to stay. The following is a list of some of the good reasons:
•You or your partner have admitted to being abusive and have begun to take some of the steps outlined in either chapter 5 or 6.
• You or your partner have admitted to being abusive and have begun working with a psychotherapist or started marital or couples counseling.
•You have made it clear to your partner that you will no longer tolerate abuse of any kind, and he or she responded by curbing his or her tendency to be abusive.
•You have begun to use some of the strategies suggested in this book, and your partner seems to be responding by not being as abusive or not being abusive as often.
Of course, even when you both commit to working on the problem or to seeking professional help, it is always possible that one or both of you will continue to be abusive without any sign of stopping. In these situations, the abused partner may need to end the relationship in order to prevent further damage to his or her self-esteem and sanity. This was the case with James: "I hated to admit it, but even after months of trying, Nicole was not changing. I know she tried, but before long she was back to her old ways. She needs professional help and she refuses to get it. I love her and I don't blame her because I know she has serious problems, but I'm just no longer willing to put up with the abuse."
Unless those who suffer from personality disorders such as BPD and NPD get professional help, most will fall back into their old ways of relating to their partner, no matter how hard they try to the contrary.
QUESTIONNAIRE: Intimacy, Sharing, and Respect
The above reasons for staying are particularly good ones if you and your partner have a basically healthy and rewarding relationship in other respects. A healthy relationship is one in which the following three components are present: intimacy, sharing or mutuality, and respect.
The following questions will help you evaluate the quality of your relationship, including how much intimacy, sharing, and respect you experience with one another:
1.Do you and your partner share emotional and sexual intimacy?
2.Is there a sense of equality and give-and-take in your relationship?
3.Do you and your partner treat one another with respect?
4.Do you feel there is more honesty than dishonesty between you?
5.Do you believe you bring more joy than pain to each other's lives?
6.Do you feel that your intentions are good when it comes to how you treat each other?
7.Do you feel you and your partner basically wish each other well?
8.Do you and your partner have much in common?
9.Do you share the same hopes and dreams?
10.Do you feel you and your partner understand each other?
If you can answer yes to the majority of these questions, then it is likely that the emotional abuse that exists in your relationship is a result of bad habits rather than an intention on either of your parts to deliberately undermine, control, or destroy your partner. By continuing to enforce your boundaries with one another, either you or your partner or both of you will soon be able to break the bad habits that have interfered with your relationship functioning in a more positive way.
If you are only able to say yes to half of these questions, it is likely that your individual histories are interfering with your ability to be intimate, caring, and/or respectful to one another. By continuing to follow the programs I have outlined in the book, especially by completing your unfinished business, you will likely find that your levels of intimacy, honesty, and respect for one another increase.
If, on the other hand, you cannot answer at least three of these questions with a yes, especially numbers 1 to 7, then it is likely that either you or your partner has a need to undermine, dominate, or control or to use your partner as an outlet for your anger. This means that change is not likely to occur in the relationship, especially not without professional help.
You May Still Need to Leave
Sometimes even those couples who share intimacy, equality, and honesty need to end the relationship. Even those who acknowledge the abusiveness in the relationship and actively work on discovering and respecting one another's triggers and boundaries sometimes continue to make each other unhappy. This does not mean that either partner is a bad person or that either should be blamed for the relationship ending. It just means that you have come to the conclusion that considering each of your issues, it is best if you end the relationship and go on with your lives separately.
Some couples discover that their individual histories pose too great an obstacle to maintaining a mutually healthy, fulfilling, loving relationship. While some may be able to accommodate one another's needs without causing themselves too much pain, others may become clear that their needs are not now, nor will they ever be, compatible and that to continue the relationship will only cause continued emotional distress. For example, due to a history of being emotionally smothered by a parent, one partner may need a great deal of emotional and physical space. But when he or she takes this space, it may trigger memories of abandonment and rejection for the other partner.
Good Reasons to Leave
The following are good reasons why you should seriously consider either ending the relationship or separating from your partner until things change:
•Your partner refuses to admit he is being abusive.
•Your partner refuses to get help for her abusive behavior.
•You made it clear to your partner that you will no longer tolerate abuse of any kind, but he or she has continued to be abusive.
•You and/or your partner have not been willing to follow through on the exercises, and you continue to abuse one another.
•You and your partner have both followed the strategies in the book, but you continue to push each other's buttons and to abuse one another.
•You are unwilling to admit that you are being emotionally abusive to your partner.
•You are unwilling to follow the suggestions in the book or to seek professional help, and you continue to abuse your partner.
When You Definitely Need to Leave
If any of the following circumstances exist in your current relationship, it is absolutely essential that you end your relationship as soon as possible:
1. If your children are being emotionally, physically, or sexually abused by your partner. If your partner is overly controlling, domineering, critical, or rejecting of you, it isn't too much of a stretch to realize that he or she is going to treat your children the same way. Unfortunately, most nonabusive partners try to fool themselves into believing otherwise. But the truth is that it is rare for these types of abusers to confine their criticism and controlling behavior to their spouse. A person who is critical, demanding, rejecting, and difficult to please generally treats everyone in his life in a similar way, especially those closest to him. Don't continue to be blind to the way your partner treats your children or to make excuses for his or her behavior. If you can't walk away from the
abuse, get professional help. Therapy will help you build up your self-esteem and gain the courage to do what you know is right for you and your children. Remember that you are who you are today primarily because of the way your parents (or other caretakers) treated you. Don't continue the cycle of abuse by exposing your children to the same unacceptable behavior you grew up with.
If your children are being physically or sexually abused by your partner, it is vital that you get the children away from him, even if you are not strong enough to leave yet. Each day your child is exposed to such violence, major harm is being done to your child's mind, body, and spirit.
2. If you are emotionally, physically, or sexually abusing your children. The fact that you are reading this book tells me that you don't want to continue your behavior. You now know where your abusive tendencies come from, and you certainly don't want to continue treating your children the same way you were treated as a child. For the time being, the most loving thing you can do for your children is to separate yourself from them for their protection. This may mean leaving your children with your partner and you leaving the house. Or it may mean sending your children to live with friends or relatives (as long as it isn't the same person who abused you) while you and your partner get help. Either way you will be doing everyone a tremendous favor. Unless you show good will to your children in this way, they will likely never forgive you for the harm you inflict upon them, and you will never forgive yourself.
Once you have received the help you need, you can be reunited with your children. Believe me, you will earn their respect and gratitude when they learn why you left them. And you will gain self-respect you never thought possible, knowing you cared about your children enough to give them this gift.
3. If you are afraid you are going to abuse your children. If you haven't begun to abuse your children but have had strong desires to do so, this is your chance to break the cycle of abuse once and for all. Reach out for professional help. A good therapist will help you find ways to release the pain, anger, fear, and shame that are compelling you to strike out at others. And depending on how close you've come to harming your children, seriously consider separating yourself from them until you have received the help you so desperately need. You're not a bad person, just a desperate person who is out of control of herself and her emotions. Do the right thing.
4. If your children are being damaged by the emotional abuse between you and your partner. It's one thing to decide to stay in an emotionally abusive relationship if children are not involved and an entirely different one if they are. Those in emotionally abusive relationships often believe that because their children are not witnessing physical abuse or fighting between their parents, they are not being harmed. But when one or both parents are emotionally abusive, children can sense the tension, fear, anger, and hostility that permeate the home environment. This tension and hostility causes children to feel insecure, frightened, and off balance.
You may think your children are too young to understand what is being said between you and your partner, but even the smallest of children know when one parent is being disrespectful, critical, or demeaning toward the other. Even the youngest child understands when one parent makes the other feel humiliated or inadequate. Older children pick up on the disrespectful, abusive attitude of one parent toward the other and feel they must take sides. They either feel anger and hatred toward the parent who is being abusive or they lose respect for the abused parent and begin to mimic the abusive parent.
The longer the emotional abuse continues in your relationship, the more your children will be affected. Not only are they being damaged in the present by witnessing abusive behavior, but you are providing them poor role models and setting them up to be either victims or abusers. (Many children who become bullies or victims of bullies in school witnessed emotional or physical abuse in their own homes.) Unless you and your partner are actively working on stopping the abuse-either by reading this book and working the programs, or by working with a professional therapist-you are sacrificing the emotional health of your children by choosing to stay together.
5. If your partner is physically abusing you or is threatening to do so. Many people start out by emotionally abusing their partner and work their way up to physical abuse. The more emotional abuse you take, the more permission your partner feels he or she has to become even more abusive, including physically abusive. As your partner's anger intensifies and as the relationship deteriorates, he or she may resort to physical violence as a way of gaining control.
If he or she has already hit you, even if it was "just a slap," you are in danger. The same holds true of behaviors such as pushing, shoving, pinning you down, or holding you captive against your will. All of these behaviors indicate that your partner has lost control of himself or herself and are danger signs for you. In some cases, it may indicate that your partner has become mentally unstable. Don't fool yourself. If he has become violent with you once, he will do it again, and the next time it will be worse. Don't accept the excuse that he was drunk or high. He hit you because he has a problem. Drinking or using drugs may exacerbate his problem, but it is not the cause. Neither should you allow your partner to use the excuse that she has an emotional problem such as Borderline Personality Disorder. While it is true that those with this disorder can become out of control and physically violent, this is still no excuse. She needs to take responsibility for her behavior by seeking the professional help she needs.
If your partner refuses to seek professional help, I advise you to separate from her until she does so. Otherwise, every day you stay in this relationship you are endangering your emotional and physical well-being, and possibly your very life.
6. If you have reached a point where you are becoming physically abusive. If you are being emotionally abused, you may have become so frustrated and angry that you have reached a breaking point and have begun to act out your anger in a physical way. If this is the case, you could hurt your partner seriously next time or push him into hurting you. Either way, it's time to leave.
If the emotional abuse in your relationship has escalated into physical abuse, you are likely to do it again, and the next time it will be worse. Even if you only slapped or pushed your partner, unless you get professional help, you are putting your partner in more danger as each day goes by. If you are afraid to seek professional help, explore other options in your community. Check your local papers or yellow pages to see if there are anger management courses available. Or see if there is a support group in your area for violent or potentially violent people.
If you honestly feel that you are not an abusive person by nature but that your partner has pushed you into becoming violent, then the best thing for both of you is for you to end the relationship. Even if your partner suffers from a mental or emotional disorder of some kind, you are not helping either of you by staying.
7. If you have begun to fantasize about harming or killing your partner. If you have reached this point, you feel trapped and believe there is no way out of your abusive relationship. But it is important to realize that this is a symptom of the emotional abuse you have been suffering-it is not reality. The reality is that there is a way out. You will need to get professional help in order to gain the courage and strength to leave, or if you are afraid for your physical safety, you need to contact the police or a battered woman's shelter. In either case, you need to realize that there is certainly a better way out than risking being in prison for the rest of your life or being overwhelmed with guilt for the rest of your life because of the physical harm you caused your partner.
8. If you are seriously questioning your sanity. If your partner is using gaslighting techniques on you (e.g., denying that things have occurred, telling you that you are imagining things, or accusing you of being crazy) and you are beginning to distrust your own perceptions, it is time to leave the relationship. The longer you stay, the more you will doubt yourself and your sanity, and the more your mental health will be jeopardized
.
9. If it has become clear to you that your partner does not respect you. If you are in a relationship with someone who devalues you, looks down on you, or doesn't recognize your worth, there is little or no hope for the relationship. It's time to leave.
When You Are Resisting Leaving
Sometimes we know we should leave but are unable to do so. We know the relationship isn't going to get any better, know that the abuse is only going to get worse, even know that we are in physical danger or are in danger of losing it and hurting our partner-and yet still be unable to leave.
This is what a reader emailed me: "I know the solution should seem easy enough... I should just get out. But I find I am in this mental state of resistance, and I'm not sure why. As silly as it may sound, I feel as though I need a "reason" to divorce him, a reason to tell others. The problem is that he doesn't abuse my kids just me-and I feel selfish for taking the kids away from their father. My kids have told me they don't want to leave their father all alone, and frankly, neither do I. I feel sorry for him. I filed for divorce two months ago, but I still can't get up the courage to leave."
I strongly urged this woman to seek professional psychotherapy in order to gain the courage to leave, and I urge you to do the same if you are in a similar situation and find yourself resisting what you know must be done. There are plenty of reasons to leave, even if your partner is not physically abusing you or the children, the most important reason being that your children are being negatively affected by observing the emotional abuse that is going on in the household. It's not about what you tell others; it's what you tell yourself. If you have such low self-esteem that you can't understand that you deserve to be treated better, you need to work with a professional therapist who can help you build up your self-esteem.
Trust and Forgiveness
Many of you reading this book have no doubt discovered that your love for each other has been able to survive the emotional abuse, and some have even discovered that it is quite possible to not only stop the abuse but to deepen your relationship in the process. Unfortunately, for many, once emotional abuse has become part of a relationship, it is very difficult to move forward without fear, resentment, or anger continuing to pollute your relationship. Once someone has been victimized by his or her partner, it is difficult not to live in fear that it will occur again. This fear may inhibit you from letting your guard down and opening your heart up to your partner. You may be so on guard that you do not feel safe enough to be vulnerable-either emotionally or sexually.
The Emotionally Abusive Relationship_How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing Page 22