THAT’S A LIE
Victoria Klahr
For Stephen- who never gave up on me and showed me the truth and intensity of what it means to be fought for.
“They say that love is forever. Your forever is all that I need.”
- Sleeping with Sirens, If I’m James Dean, You’re Audrey Hepburn
Prologue
17 years earlier
Josie
“Pretty, pretty, pretty please. With a cherry on top?” I begged, pouting my lips. He stared at me with a look that said really?, clearly not wanting to give in to my pitiful pleading.
“Just this one time,” I tried again. “We never get to play anything I want.”
“That’s such a lie, Josie. I always play your stupid games,” Seth complained, crossing his arms. His blonde hair overlapped his blue green eyes, but I could still see his frustration easily. I wasn’t going to give up.
“This will be the last time I ask for the rest of the summer,” I reasoned. I could probably keep that promise. He heaved a big sigh as if it was the biggest burden on him to agree to play with me. “Ugh. You know I could never be with just one girl, Josie. There’s no way I’ll get married. Who would want to be stuck with a girl for the rest of their life?” he said, disgusted by the thought.
“Seth! It’s pretend. Stop being a baby, and play wedding with me,” I said, giving him my best evil glare, and even at seven years old I knew it was good enough to make him cave.
“Fine, but I will never love you like that in real life. That’s so gross,” he said sticking out his tongue.
“Uh, duh… It’s pretend. My prince charming won’t pick his nose and eat it. That’s for sure,” I responded, equally disgusted.
“I do not do that,” he complained.
“Yeah huh… I saw you.”
“No way… you’re such a liar,” he said, getting mad at me.
“Whatever, it doesn’t matter,” I said, and pulled on his arm. I dragged him over to the tree in my backyard, and made him stand to the right of it. “Okay. You wait here for your beautiful bride.”
I ran to the bathroom inside of my house, and grabbed a whole roll of toilet paper. I tried to comb out the knots in my messy long brown hair, but nothing worked. I grunted, and just stuck a headband in my hair. I stood on the stool so I could see myself in the mirror, and very carefully started to cut off long strands of toilet paper. I placed each strand underneath my headband, making it look like a long veil. When I finished, I tried to scrub off the dirt that had gotten on my face, but couldn’t get it all and gave up quickly.
I sprinted upstairs to my room, careful not to pull out any of the pieces of my veil, and put on my Cinderella princess dress and slippers. I went into my jewelry box, and grabbed my strawberry LipSmackers. After putting on a good layer, I smacked my lips and was ready to go get pretend married to Seth.
After sliding open the back door, I started my march to my fake groom. I couldn’t wait until the day that I could really get married. I’d wear a beautiful poufy dress, and have my dads walk me down the aisle. It would be beautiful. I’d have the dream guy, tall, dark and handsome, waiting to spend the rest of his life with me. The stork would bring us beautiful babies, and we would live happily ever after.
Instead, I walked toward my best friend, and pretended he was the man of my dreams. Seth stood next to the tree, picking at the bark as he waited for me to get back. He was a scrawny little boy with messy hair and covered in dirt, but I guessed he would have to do. In my seven year old mind that had been corrupted by fairytales and Disney movies, I never would have thought of Seth as a viable option to be the holder and keeper of my heart.
When he heard me slide open the door, he turned around and smiled.
He smiled at me!
He had a big smile on his face the whole time I walked toward him, and I couldn’t help but giggle at our silly game. When I got to him, I shoved his shoulder. He pushed me back, and we ended up in the dirt, each of us trying to be the winner of our wrestling match.
What was I thinking? Get married to Seth Montgomery?
Yuck!
Chapter 1
Josie
When you build a relationship on secrets and lies, you start to question whether or not that relationship can ever be salvageable.
First, you have to be able to forgive the betrayal- to say that it’s okay that that person lied to you and kept things from you that were very important. Then, you have to forget about the duplicity. Forget that they lied to you for hours, days, months, or years, in an attempt to move on from the hurt that they caused you.
I don’t think that’s possible. I don’t think a person can just forget that their heart was ripped open from being lied to. I don’t think a person can move on as if nothing happened. And I most certainly don’t think a relationship can ever be the same when all the smoke dies down, and we’re only left with the ashes of a broken heart.
I’m not sad anymore. There are no more tears shed for a person who turned out to be a hypocritical asshole, and there certainly are no more warm fuzzies whenever I think about him. He promised three times that he wouldn’t let me go, and three times, I’ve had to endure the loss of him. I won’t let myself go through that again.
Blake Porter can go to Hell.
“Ugh,” Seth grunts, scrunching up his face and grabbing his stomach. I go in for another punch, only with a little more strength.
“Ugh,” he grunts again. “Jesus, Pussy Cat, not so hard.”
“Being weak isn’t an option, Seth,” I say with unwavering determination. I get back into ready stance, and bounce on my toes to keep momentum intact. I decide to change up my method and go for a kick. I use the strength in my core to put power into my leg as I raise it to meet with his stomach. He grabs his stomach and hunches over.
“Very good, Miss Sommers,” Mr. Tucker says as he watches my defense against Seth. Seth looks up at me and gives me an evil glare before rising back to full height. He may look intimidating, being a foot taller than me and with a lot more muscle to his body, but that doesn’t deter me from kicking his ass a little.
“I’m so going to get you back for that,” Seth says when the instructor passes to check on some other students.
I give him my best evil laugh to distract him, before surprising him with another kick. Only he’s not surprised, and he grabs my foot and twists it until I fall onto the floor mat. I groan as my back makes forceful impact onto the ground, and Seth pins my arms above my head. He is straddling me in a way that makes it hard to escape, but I think back to all my training and try to find a solution out of the position. I get slightly distracted as I see the corner of his lips lift and watch his blue green eyes fill with humor at his “victory.” A chill runs up my back and my heartbeat flutters rapidly against my chest as I stare at his handsome face. I try to shake away the tingles and focus on how to escape. I find my opportunity as he raises his hand to push some of his sandy blonde hair out of his eyes.
I use that small window of time to buck up my hips as hard as I can. I finally get progress when I raise my hips for the third time, making him lose his balance. He falls forward, and uses his hands to stop himself from landing face-first onto the mat. I use that opening to turn out of his grip and grab his right and left hands to bring his arms behind his back, putting my weight on him to keep him on the ground. Pride courses through my veins at my small win, and I hear Seth chuckle underneath me.
“Eighteen years we’ve been fighting, and you still kick my ass,” he says.
He’s lying. I know that he could beat me easily if he wanted to, but he never uses his full strength when we’re in class because he wants to give me an opportunity to learn how to perfect my defense. I shove his head playfully, and get up
. Mr. Tucker blows his whistle to get everyone’s attention as Seth gets off the floor.
As the instructor gives out final instructions, I feel Seth’s shoulder brush against mine. The miniscule touch sends an enormous sense of alertness through my body. I freeze and hold my breath, debating whether or not I should see if he even notices the contact. He probably doesn’t care anymore, so it’s most likely just me being stupid. I decide to take the risk anyway, and slowly drag my eyes in his direction. He’s staring straight ahead, listening intently to what Mr. Tucker is saying. He doesn’t notice our skin brushing against each other. It’s for the best. There’s no reason for reacting that way around him, anyway.
It must be that it’s been so long since I’ve seen him. Him being gone for two years only to surprise me by coming back a couple weeks ago, could mean that my emotions are a little more out of whack than normal. Right? I mean, not being able to talk to him or give him even a friendly hug for so long could contribute to my pull toward him. That has to be it. I just missed him. That’s all.
When Seth showed up two weeks ago at Mrs. Woodward’s bookstore, I was completely shocked. Good shocked. Mad shocked. Excited shocked. There were so many emotions radiating within me, that I couldn’t decide what I wanted to feel or what to do. When he spoke, his sweet, comforting voice wrapping itself around me like a familiar hug, I wanted to run up and jump into his arms. I wanted to punch him for leaving without telling me. But mostly, I wanted to say I was sorry and make everything better.
I’ve learned a lot through the tragedy I’ve been through. I’ve learned that I never want to be defenseless ever again. I’ve learned that falling in love with your best friend could result in a broken heart. I’ve learned that keeping my feelings a secret meant even more heartbreak. I’ve learned that lying to your ex about being in love with your best friend leads to the loss of that friend. I’ve basically learned that lying and not being totally upfront is not smart for any relationship. When I looked at Seth again in that bookstore, I knew that I wanted to be a better friend. I wanted to take back my life and stop being scared.
* * *
“I’m sorry it took me so long to get here, Pussy Cat,” Seth said to me when he walked into Reading Haven.
My heart raced, and my face heated. Boo jumped out of my lap and strutted to Seth, rubbing against his leg. Seth’s eyes never left mine. I couldn’t believe he was there, it almost felt like I was seeing a ghost. He came back.
I stood up and put my hand on my hip. “You better be sorry, Seth Montgomery… A fucking note? Are you kidding me?” I said angrily.
I was still smarting over the fact that he left the country without telling me, only leaving a note that said “I’m sorry.” While I may have pretended to be mad, I was actually thrilled to see him. I had gotten good at hiding my pain and hurt over him fleeing from my life, and this felt like a second chance that I didn’t want to give up. Seth chuckled and dropped his backpack to the floor, slowly inching toward me.
“Somehow I knew that that was exactly what you were going to say to me whenever I saw you again,” he said, a smile creeping up his face. He looked incredible. His hair had grown a little bit, still the blonde sexy mess on top of his head. He was dressed in some plaid shorts and a black Young and Reckless t-shirt, which was a slight change from his clothing choices back in high school and college. He looked lighter in this new style, and not as depressing as he used to look when he would wear all black. He still had the roguish smile that melts my heart. And his eyes- those same blue green eyes seemed to speak to me like no one else could. Seth was the only person who could understand me, and that was something that could never change.
He came up to me, leaving only about six inches between us, and he continued, “I’m sorry, Jos. I should have told you, I just co-,” he started to explain, but I didn’t need an explanation.
I pushed myself the rest of the distance, and crushed myself against him, wrapping my arms around the person I’ve been missing for two years. I couldn’t stop the prickle of tears as he wrapped his comforting arms around me and held me close to him.
My best friend was here! Back in our town in North Carolina, and I wasn’t going to waste that moment rehashing our problems.
“I missed you so much, Seth,” I choked out, between tears. I was crying, not ashamed to let out my emotions in front of him. He pulled back and looked me in the eyes, a mixture of sadness and happiness displayed in his expression. He wiped my tears, and his lips lifted in a small sad smile. I buried my head back into his chest and breathed him in. He smelled like a mixture of hay and apple pie. Home. He smelled like home. I didn’t want to leave his embrace because Seth filled the hole that had kept growing since he’d left.
“I missed you more than you know, Pussy Cat,” Seth said softly, stroking my hair as he held me. I thought that he may have completely given up on our friendship when he left. A couple e-mails here and there would never suffice; they could never be as good as having my best friend with me. “I’m so sorry about your dad. I tried to find a way to get here as soon as I got the email Mom sent me, but I was in a location with no service so I didn’t get the message until a few days ago. She told me what happened when I got in this morning.”
In my emotional state, the added reminder about Daddy’s passing only fueled more sobs. Seth continued to run his hands through my hair and rub my back as he held me. When I didn’t think I could cry any more tears, I pulled away from him and punched him in the arm. He grabbed his arm where I hit him, and chuckled.
“And somehow I knew you were going to do that, too,” he said. I wiped the tears from my face, and tried to make myself look normal.
“Yeah… well, you deserve it. Two goddamn years, Seth!”
“You know I had to leave, Pussy Cat. After everything…. I just needed to let you go. Give you a chance to be happy,” he said, sadness unmistakable in his voice. My heart broke for him. I was a terrible friend. I blamed him for the problems in my relationship with Blake, I told him that what we had was disgusting, and I finally admitted that I used him. I used our friendship, comfort, and familiarity to make myself feel good. While my intentions the first time were genuine, the second time, they were not. He had every right to walk away from me forever, but he came back.
“I’m so sorr-,” I started, but he cut me off by grabbing my hand and pulling me in for another hug.
“Don’t worry about it, Pussy Cat. We can talk about it later. Right now I just want to be here for you. How’s your Dad?”
I sighed and pulled away from him. I picked up my bag and put my Kindle inside of it, getting ready to go on a walk-and-talk with my best friend. “He’s doing as well as you can expect,” I answered, grabbing Seth’s hand and pulling him toward the door. “He’s depressed. When we found out that Daddy had been in a car accident, he was a wreck. He couldn’t even move from the spot he fell when he got the phone call. I had to take the phone and get the details, because he couldn’t communicate to me or them.”
We walked down the sidewalk along a strip of stores. Movement meant I had something else to focus on. I didn’t have to stand in one spot and concentrate on the gravity of my words.
“He died instantly. There was no way to revive him. That’s what hurts the most. There was no chance for him to survive. One minute, he’s telling us he’s going to run to the store to get some ice cream for a movie night, and the next thing we know, he’s gone. Ripped from our lives forever.” I tried to swallow the swell of emotion that had gathered in my throat. Tears were threatening to fall again as I remembered that night three weeks ago. I heard Seth sigh next to me, and looked up to see him conveying his own sorrow. My parents were family to him, too.
“I can’t believe he’s gone. My dad is great, your Dad is great, but Will was something else. He was amazing,” he said sadly, shaking his head. I could practically see his thoughts churning in his head as he walked with me. It would take a while to get over this loss.
“Yeah I kn
ow… Dad’s getting there. I saw him a couple days ago, and I think he might start going back to work soon. I think it might be good for him. Take his mind off of things,” I said and shrugged my shoulders. I didn’t really know how Dad was going to get over this. Daddy was his soul mate. Seth wrapped an arm around my shoulders, pulling me close to him, and we waked through our little town.
“Things’ll get better, Jos. I’m not leaving. I’ll help as best as I can.”
“Thanks, Seth,” I said quietly. He amazed me. The fact that he came back and was promising to be there for me was something I certainly didn’t deserve, but peace washed over me for the first time in a long time.
* * *
Seth and I have been trying to spend time together since he got back two weeks ago, and going back to self-defense classes has been one of the ways for us to hang out. I haven’t been able to spend too much time with him because I had to focus a lot of attention on my final exams and papers for my Master’s degree, but since I finished that a couple of days ago, we now have time to spend together. This is the second class we’ve had, but it feels like we haven’t missed any sessions.
Mr. Tucker continues to talk to us about how to stay prepared while we are out. I’ve heard all of the rules numerous times, but it doesn’t make them any less important. I just wish Seth would move his damn arm so I could pay attention. He’s making my breath a little short, and I don’t like how it feels. I don’t want to ever get sucked into those emotions ever again. For anyone. I can’t help but want to look at him again- just to make sure he doesn’t notice my reaction.
I turn my head slightly and look at Seth again. He’s in a black tank top and black shorts, looking so good. There’s a splash of red color painted against his toned arms from working out in the sun again on his parent’s farm, and his skin is glistening slightly with the little bit of sweat that we worked up.
I notice him, but he doesn’t notice me. He’s not paying any attention to me.
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