“Hope we weren’t interrupting anything,” Brandon says wiggling his eyebrows at Seth. I am so fucking confused right now. I thought for sure he would be pissed at me.
I saw Brandon about a month ago, but I can still see a difference in him. I think learning that he’s going to be a father added an even more charming and happy quality to him. His shaggy dark brown hair is swept to the side, probably at Brooke’s nagging, and he’s wearing a suit that is so completely uncommon for him. He’s the accountant for Blake’s architecture business, but there’s never been a formal dress code there, so he always wears his shorts and flip-flops to work.
“Actually you are, but it’s probably a good thing you stepped in,” Seth says and leans into Brandon. With a wink he continues, “Don’t want to make your future wife want me instead.”
“Shut the fuck up, dude,” Brandon says, laughing and punching Seth’s arm. Robbie looks at me curiously, but hides his expression when I see him looking at me. My face flushes with embarrassment. Robbie is Blake’s best friend, and he just saw me getting it on with Seth. Robbie looks the same. Still incredible handsome for a tall, thin guy with red hair. I always liked Robbie because even though he was picked on and bullied for being gay, he never let it affect him and his dreams. The last I heard, he’s coaching soccer at the community college. The strength it must have taken to be an openly gay man and take on a position of coaching college men must have been difficult. I respect him immensely.
“You guys need to come over to the bar. It’s boring as hell over here… no offense, Brandon,” Dom says. Dom’s big smile against his caramel brown skin is very handsome, and I’m surprised that I don’t see a girl on his arm tonight. He’s such a good looking guy and a charming person, I thought he’d be taken by now.
“No offense taken… I can’t believe Brooke is even enjoying this. A few months ago, she would have died before having an engagement party that didn’t resemble a frat party.”
“She’s pregnant, Brandon! She can’t enjoy the drinking!” I exclaim. Seth shoves my shoulder and Brandon gapes at me. Dom and Robbie look at Brandon with their mouths open. Shit.
“Josie… you’ve got a big ass mouth,” Brandon says, but he lets out a small laugh anyway.
“What the fuck, man!” Robbie says.
“Why the hell didn’t you tell us?” Dom asks. They both pat Brandon on the back and congratulate him on his future kid.
“We were going to announce it tonight, but Josie spilled the beans. I better go tell her before these fools tell everyone,” Brandon says. He gives me a wink, and moves to go get Brooke. Seth’s hand grabs my waist, and he pulls me next to him. He keeps his hand firmly on my hip and keeps me there while we catch up with Robbie and Dom. It feels so good to be like this with Seth. Not only is it electrifying, but it’s everything I wanted when I fell for him that summer four years ago. I wanted to be like this around our friends. I didn’t want to hide.
As Brooke and Brandon get everyone’s attention, I notice a thick figure come out of the shadows. I lose my breath and my heart speeds up in panic. Blake has finally made his appearance, and he is staring straight at me. He looks the same as he did when he left my apartment three weeks ago. His dark brown hair is cropped shortly again and he wears a black dress shirt and pants. He still emanates a dominate feel even from across the room, but I think it’s mainly because of those dark brown eyes. The hatred shown in them shoots straight to my chest, and I feel heavy with anxiety, powerless to look away and incapable of focusing on anything else.
He has no right to look at me like that. He has no right to hate me. He walked away from me! Either way, being looked at with such resentment is a revelation to me.
Seth must have felt how rigid I became, because I vaguely hear him whispering to me. I try to convey just as much resentment to Blake, while we have a stand-off with our eyes. Seth stands in front of me and gets on my level, so I’m forced to look at him. He grabs my tense jaw, and I finally look at him. His blue eyes are hardened and he’s clenching his jaw. He must have seen him, too.
“Stop, Josie. I’m here… I’m here now.” His eyes are so insistent and pure. He’s trying so hard to “deserve” me, but he doesn’t know that I’m the one who doesn’t deserve him. Hatred for the man across the room is keeping my heart from mending. I can’t give Seth a heart that’s so mangled. I swallow the pain at my realization, and feel the sting of tears prickling my eyes. He almost looks hurt when he sees my eyes glistening, and he sighs. He probably thinks I’m not over Blake, and he’s right. But he’s wrong too. I’m over the affection I had for him. I’m not over my hatred. I don’t correct him either way, and I try to calm myself.
We hear a roar of applause and laughter, and I know that Brooke and Brandon must have announced their baby news. I can’t even join in with their happiness.
“I need to go to the bathroom,” I say to Seth brusquely, walking away from his solace. I see his hurt expression before I turn away completely, and my heart aches even more. I need to calm down. I need to put my walls back up. I need to shelter myself against the pain.
I practically run into the bathroom and lock the stall. I crouch down on to the floor and put my hands on my head as I rock back and forth, worry, doubt, and fear consuming every pore in my body. That look was so familiar. It was so similar to the hatred I saw in his father’s eyes when he choked me.
I rock until I feel my heart beat go back to normal. I will not let him control my emotions like that. He’s controlled and manipulated too many of my emotions as it is. It’s time to show him that I’m strong. I take a deep breath and count to five.
One I never thought I would see him look at me like that. Two I didn’t know him as well as I thought I did. Three You don’t walk away from someone you love. Four I will be strong and get over this guilt. Five He does not control me.
After I let out the last molecule of breath in my lungs, I get up and walk out of the bathroom. I search for Seth, and I notice him by the bar area, talking to someone. I walk in that direction, with new determination and with a newly built wall. I can’t see who he’s talking to and I don’t want to interrupt, so I walk to the counter, grab a stool, and order a cranberry vodka. A little alcohol will help with the anxiety. I turn around and my breath catches when the person Seth’s talking to comes into view.
His back is to me, but I can see the muscles tensing in his back through his shirt. His undeniably sexy build doesn’t make the sight of his little friend any easier to handle, though. Alice stands a little too closely to Seth, wearing a short strapless green dress. She looks impeccable- straight, shoulder-length platinum blonde hair, long luscious legs, and perfectly done make-up. Ugh… she still looks like a goddamn model. I had been hoping she gained a ton of weight or her face got fucked up in freak accident with her blender, but I’m assuming the universe didn’t appreciate my malicious aspirations.
The biggest pain I feel is the awareness that she is perfect for Seth. She’s exactly his type. The women he liked to fuck were almost always blonde. Very rarely would I find him with a redhead, and I can count on my one hand how many times he’s been with someone with dark hair like mine. Wait… just one… me.
There’s a fire boiling inside of me, it starts in my toes and creeps its way up to my chest, throat, and face. I’ve never been as furious with someone as I am right now. How dare she talk to him? Who the hell does this bitch think she is, taking my- I stop myself from continuing, and am burdened again with melancholy. He’s not mine, so I really have no claim on him.
The fact that he’s not mine doesn’t stop the anger, however. I’m so consumed with rage as I watch her flirt, my jaw starts to hurt from gritting so hard. I don’t care because I feel like the daggers that I’m throwing her way will in some way harm her…. I’m losing my damn mind.
She’s inching closer to Seth, and I notice Seth keeps looking in the direction from which I just came. He must have missed me coming out of the bathroom. I can only hope he’s
looking so he can find me, and not to hide any flirting with the Blonde Bitch. I feel a slight sense of relief when she moves her hand to place it on his arm and he moves out of the way. It’s so quick, but he keeps making subtle position changes so she doesn’t touch him.
He’s running his hands through his blonde hair, making it messier- the good, sexy kind of messy. He’s frustrated and it’s cute. He will never know what that shrug-off means to me. My anger dissipates a little, but I still stare at Blonde Bitch, hoping she’ll look my way and see how badly I want to pound her face in.
“So which one is deserving of that look?” someone asks next to me. I glance over briefly, and see that someone has joined me, and I didn’t even notice him take the seat beside mine. I ignore him and turn my eyes back to the man I want so desperately, and continue to let my annoyance dominate my temperament. “It’s the girl, isn’t it?”
I look back over at him and crease my eyebrows. Who the hell is this guy?
He’s got straight, dark brown hair that reaches just above his shoulder, and it’s tied back at the nape of his neck so he looks professional more than unkempt. He’s got smiling honey brown eyes, and a crooked smile that would make most girls jump in his bed. He’s leaning back on his elbows as he watches me, and his black suit strains against his clearly amazing physique. He’s very handsome.
“Why do you say that?” I question back, returning my attention to the conversation that Seth seems eager to leave.
“She kinda looks like a bitch,” he says, winking at me when I turn my head back to him. I laugh under my breath and roll my eyes. “Plus you look like you want to claw someone’s eyes out, and that’s more of a girl fight move. Just let me know if you do, because I so want to see that.”
What the hell is this guy talking about?
“My money’s on you by the way…” he continues. I don’t understand why he’s still talking to me, I have no idea who he is.
“Um ok,” I say, stupidly. He nods his chin in Seth and Alice’s direction and gives me a questioning look.
“Is that your boyfriend?” I try to swallow the sharp pain that question causes in my throat, and shake my head. No. No, he’s not. “But you want him to be…,” he surmises.
I whip my head toward him and give him an exasperated expression. “Who the fuck are you?” I ask rudely. He chuckles and shakes his head.
“My bad, pretty lady. I’m Brody… this is my little brother’s engagement party,” he answers. I know I look ridiculous as I gape at him, but I’m so shocked he’s here. I was with Blake for four years, and I never even saw a picture of the kid, let alone met him.
“Brody’s kind of a douche name,” I deadpan, turning my attention back to Seth. I take a sip of my drink, gaining more confidence as the drink numbs some of the anger that rakes my insides. He takes no offense to my remark and starts laughing deeply next to me. His laugh is almost contagious, but I haven’t had enough to drink to really join in.
“Yeah I guess it is… Guess I should change it…. I was thinking Brad might work… no that’s still too douchey… how about Chad?” I laugh, because all of the names still sound like a douchebag’s name, but I think that’s his point.
Seth finally pivots himself enough times away from Alice’s advances and is now turned in my direction. He visibly relaxes and knocks into Alice’s shoulder as he starts walking to me immediately. I see him roll his eyes, and it makes me happy that Alice seems to have no effect on him. He sidles next to me and wraps his arm around my shoulders. His face goes directly to my neck, and he nibbles the side of it.
“Are you okay?” he whispers next to my ear. I close my eyes feeling a sliver of peace as his concern washes over me. I wish I wasn’t so broken, so I could give myself to him. I nod my head and am about to respond, but Mr. Annoying Weirdo starts talking again.
“So who’s the body guard?” I groan in my head, knowing Seth won’t like his comment very much. Seth smirks, but there is no humor in it. He’s so sexy when he gets protective of me. That smirk intimidates most because it’s void of affection, and it’s very promising of the damage that he can do. But for me, the sight welcomes a shock of exquisite feeling between my legs. Seth reaches his hand out across the front of me, toward Brody. They shake hands briefly, but I know Seth sent a message in that handshake from the way Brody flinched.
“Seth. And who’s the douchebag, Pussy Cat?” Seth asks, looking at me. I push my lips together trying not to ruin the moment, but I can’t stop myself from laughing. I laugh and Brody chuckles next to me, while Seth looks completely confused.
“Well see… I’m the man this pretty lady just agreed to marry and run away with,” Brody teases wiggling his eyebrows. Seth’s grip on my shoulders tightens and he narrows his eyes at Brody. I throw my hand out and smack Brody against the chest.
“This is Brody, Brandon’s brother.” I explain, purposely leaving out Blake’s name. “We just met a second ago.”
“Brandon’s brother, huh?” Seth muses. I can see the anger burning behind his beautiful eyes, so I wrap my arm around his waist, trying to comfort him. I lean into him as I finish off my drink. The alcohol is definitely helping, but I don’t feel giddy like I used to when I would drink. Too much resentment has caused me to harden and slip back into the dark place I had just started to come out of.
“Yeah… and Blake. Do you know him?” Brody asks, nodding his head across the bar in the direction of where the enemy sits.
I look over and watch as Robbie and Blake talk to each other with heated gestures. It almost looks like Robbie is trying to take away the glass of whisky that Blake has in his hand. When Blake stands, he and Robbie are the same height, although Blake is a lot more muscular. He’s intimidating. Robbie shakes his head sadly, and walks away. Alice takes his place and Blake wraps his arms around her. He sits her on his lap as he sits back down on the stool, and buries his face in her neck while she sits there giggling. Nasty.
I bark out a laugh and turn back toward Brody, who is watching the show as well.
“Well I guess it’s time to introduce myself. I’m Josie Sommers, and your father is the one who raped me.” Sure, maybe my alcohol intake is making me bolder and stupider, but there’s no need to keep hiding from the haunting truth. No more lies. “So yes. Yes I do know Blake, because he and I dated for four fucking years and he never told me about that teeny tiny fact.”
Seth holds onto me tighter, nowhere close to being over his fury about the truth of what happened between Blake and me. Brody looks dumbstruck and completely at a loss for words. Eventually he shakes his head.
“Fuck…,” he says under his breath. There’s no more joking in his eyes, but there’s not pity either when he looks at me. “Well fuck that. That sucks.”
“Tell me about it,” I mutter, looking back into the crowd. We sit in silence for a few minutes, and I close my eyes as I try to revel in the feel of Seth’s hand tracing patterns into my back. His hands never get old… especially when they’re touching me provokingly. He’s practically teasing me as he uses only one finger to feel my skin. I want it all. I want both rough hands searing my skin in his exploration of my body. I press my legs together from pressure and need.
“Hey, Seth… can you come help me with something?” Brandon asks, joining our solemn group. He slaps Seth on the back, and has a huge smile on his face. Seth looks at me to make sure I’ll be ok, and I nod my head. I’m a big girl.
“Yeah as long as it doesn’t take long,” Seth answers, hesitantly.
“What about me?” Brody asks, pretending to be offended.
“Ma wants to talk to you,” Brandon responds, pointing in the direction that their mom must be. She hasn’t said a word to me all night, but she did send a glare my way, making it clear to me that she knows exactly what I’ve done. Guilt stabs my chest again as I think about that. I didn’t just abort a fetus, I took away a child and grandchild.
Seth and Brandon walk away, and Seth looks back twice before he disappears
around the corner. Brody turns in my direction after they leave and grins at me. His humor has returned. He grabs my hand and kisses it, giving me a wink.
“Thought your boyfriend would never leave,” he huffs. “It was very nice meeting you. I look forward to getting to know you more in the future.”
I laugh and roll my eyes at him. The formal attitude is such a contradiction to the playful one he had earlier, and I find it amusing. He likes my reaction and pretends to bow to me before swiveling on his heels and walking toward his mom.
“Wait!” I call out. He turns back around and smiles, raising his eyebrows as he waits for me to continue. “You know who Alice is…”
He winks at me and blows me a kiss. “Exactly how I knew she was a bitch, darlin’.” He turns back around after that, and walks away. I laugh as I think about my exchange with him. Blake never talked about Brody very much, so I had no clue what to expect when I met him. He runs the family brewery, Golden Valley Brewery, in Pennsylvania, and I kind of thought he would be a stuck up business man, but he’s not. At all.
I order another drink, and sit at the bar watching the guests interact. I only glance at Blake one more time, before I vow not look at him anymore. Alice was on his neck and his hand was cupping her ass while his other hand brought his glass to his mouth to drink more liquor. I wasn’t jealous like I was when Alice was talking to Seth, but I was definitely disgusted. He looked like a fool.
After a while of waiting for Seth to come back, I decide to go up to Brooke and talk to her. I have a feeling that she’s been avoiding me ever since the phone call a couple of nights ago. It’s a long conversation that we will have, but it doesn’t need to take place here. She smiles at me when I come up to her, and makes room in her circle of friends for me to join the conversation.
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