Blake’s words, while completely hurtful, were so accurate. I’m a terrible person, and I’ll never be good enough for the love of someone as amazing as Seth.
I’d wondered if I made the right choice in getting an abortion and I always felt like I did, but the look on Brooke’s face and the hatred in Blake’s made me rethink my choice.
For three months, I’ve been having nightmares… well, just one nightmare, really. As if the pain in my life couldn’t get worse, I’m haunted by the agony at night. It always starts out beautifully. Seth and I are laying under the stars holding hands, completely happy and content. Then the stars rain down on us, and I’m looking into the dark brown eyes of my rapist, choking me. His face is replaced by Blake’s cold dark eyes, and we’re kneeling in the middle of a graveyard. Between us is a tiny box and he speaks to me, but I can’t hear him. I keep asking him what he’s saying, and eventually he points to the box. I look down and start to open the box, but get distracted by something warm and red soaking through my shirt. Blood covers my hands and stomach and dread douses me. There’s a knife in my shaking hand. I look back to the box and find it open.
Every time I look in the box I scream. I never see what’s in it, but whatever it is terrifies me. I have no doubt it represents me killing my unborn child, but since I see only darkness when I look inside, I’m not sure.
I never realized that I actually screamed in my sleep until the first time Seth spent the night since the party. It was about a month later, and he fell asleep on the couch after we watched a movie. I never woke him up because it was my one opportunity to look at him with outright honesty. Yes, he was asleep, but I sat there and pictured us in a different life where we could be free to have our relationship without our past tearing it apart.
I was jolted awake by Seth straddling me and holding my face in his hands. His face was filled with concern, and he kept asking me if I was okay. He stroked my hair back as I cried, and then laid on the bed, folding me into his arms.
“It’ll be okay, baby. I’m here,” he kept saying. He repeated it until I fell asleep, gently rocking me into a calm state.
When he asked me what happened the next morning, worry vibrant in his eyes, I couldn’t tell him the truth. I just told him it was a nightmare about the scary movie we had watched, and he reluctantly let it go. I made sure he didn’t spend the night again after that.
But with Seth Montgomery, that didn’t last long. A couple weeks ago, we both fell asleep on my couch, and I had my nightmare. I woke up to him on top of me rubbing my hair out of my face, and telling me to wake up. He carried me to my bed and held me for the rest of the night. The next morning I could feel his anger before I even walked into my kitchen.
I was instantly distracted as I walked into the space, because Seth was shirtless and I wanted to take the opportunity to explore his body with my eyes.
“You lied to me,” he said gruffly, sitting on the barstool at my counter. His blonde hair flopped in front of his eyes, and my hands itched to push it back. To get to touch him again the way I want to would satisfy only a millimeter of the need I have, but it would relieve some of the pain. I turned around to hide my thoughts.
“Ugh… I need coffee,” I said vacantly, reaching for my coffee maker. I didn’t even hear Seth move, but his hand grabbed mine and he turned me around, placing his hands beside me on the countertop to trap me. My breath caught, and I was almost positive he could hear my heart pounding in my chest.
His blue green eyes were angry, but I didn’t even care about him being mad. All that mattered was the charge that thumped between us. I was very aware of him.
“You lied, Josie. You’re not supposed to lie to me.”
“Seth… come on,” I said, turning my face away, unable to look at the raw emotion in his expression. His hand dashed out and grabbed my chin.
“How long, Josie?” he asked. I closed my eyes, not wanting to admit anything. “Open your damn eyes, Jos. Stop fucking hiding.” His voice was hard, but it was also full of desperation. I opened my eyes and narrowed them at him.
He doesn’t understand that I need to keep him away from me. My life is tainted by darkness, and he doesn’t need that. “It doesn’t matter, Seth. I’m fine.”
“Like fucking hell it doesn’t matter. I haven’t heard you scream like that since after everything that happened.”
He was referring to when I would have nightmares after I was raped. He or one of my dads would come lay with me to help me fall asleep. Every day that Seth wasn’t in school, he was there with me, trying to make the nightmares go away.
“Since the engagement party,” I whispered, looking down. I don’t know why I admitted it, but I think there was a part of me that realized I couldn’t hold onto all this pain anymore.
That’s when my resolve started to break. How long can I go on fighting the feelings that I have for Seth? How long can I act like nothing hurts me?
“Fuck, Jos…,” he whispered back, placing his forehead against mine. I was able to smell the mixture of hay and apple pie on his skin, and I almost lost my footing from wanting him so badly. “You should have told me.”
“I didn’t want you to worry,” I admitted.
“I worry about you every second you’re not with me, Pussy Cat. Every second that you hide behind that wall you’ve built, I wonder when you’re going to crack.” His hand reached up to caress my face, and I started to lean into his touch. It was only a minute movement, but I still heard Seth’s breath hitch. My lapse in self-control made him bold. He brought his mouth to the side of mine, and kissed me. I couldn’t stop the whimper before it escaped my mouth.
“There you are,” he whispered hoarsely against my lips. I wanted to bask in the moment, but I had already opened up to him too much. I pushed through the barricade he had made, and ran back to my room.
“I’ve got to help Dad at the garage today,” I threw as an explanation, and went to hide in my shower.
He’s been staying at my place since that night, holding me and trying to wipe away the nightmares that plague my dreams. They don’t seem as bad when I wake up to his concerned eyes and comforting hands. He wakes up before I do in order to go home and help his dad on the farm, but it doesn’t change the fact that he’s here when I need him the most.
Things are definitely harder this time around. The other times that we would go back to being friends, we were able to do it effectively. I had Blake to take my mind off of what I was feeling, and Seth had… women. This time, neither of us wants other people, and that makes things tougher.
Every morning he wakes me up with a text saying something either funny or sweet. He’ll tell me something he loves about me, and those messages make it harder to keep myself guarded from the impact of his love. I can tell he still wants to be with me, but he’s also being respectful of the fact that I’m not ready.
But ever since the day he found out about my dreams and I showed him that he still affects me, he’s been more active in trying to get me to react again.
Like right now.
The sun hasn’t even risen, but I’m very alert and aware of Seth’s strong hand rubbing circles into my hip. I’m so glad I’m facing away from him, so I can hide my open mouth, breathless and needy for him. I try to stay as still as possible, but it’s hard when he grips my side, and pushes his chest into my back. I hear and feel him breathing roughly as he buries his face into my neck.
His tongue slides out and licks the skin on my throat, the tiniest of flicks, but it leaves a searing sensation on my skin. I let out a hoarse moan, and I can only hope that he thinks I’m doing it in my sleep. I’m not eager to push him off of me, so I continue to pretend to sleep.
I don’t know if he believes I’m asleep or not, but I do know that he likes that I moaned because I feel him harden against my back. My thighs squeeze together subtly, trying to control the jolt of heat that he’s creating. His hand glides under my shirt, sliding from my hip to wrap around my stomach. His hips push his
hard bulge harder into my back, and I take in a deep breath.
While his hand rubs my flat stomach, his mouth kisses my neck passionately. It’s everything he would do in a kiss on my mouth, but he does it on my neck. It’s unbelievably sensual, the heat of his tongue scorching my cool skin in a battle of my senses. I hope he thinks the chills that run across my skin are from the cold and not from him. The darkness makes me feel like I can live in the moment for just one second.
His hand starts to move to the band on my pajama pants, and he slips his fingers under the elastic. I feel the rumble in his chest as he heaves and groans with need. But he leaves me too hastily. He pulls away from me and turns over. After about a minute of silence, he gets out of the bed, and I hear him get dressed.
I keep my eyes closed, and try to calm my pounding heart until he leaves. It doesn’t take him long to finish getting dressed, and then he’s in front of me. I don’t move as his hand pushes my hair back. I feel his lips whisper against my cheek.
“I know you’re awake, Pussy Cat…,” he murmurs huskily. Shit. His mouth moves to my ear, and he flicks my earlobe with his tongue, sending a stabbing shock to my core. “I can make you feel so much more than that, all you have to do is let me in.”
He brings his mouth down to mine and brushes them against my lips until he makes me gasp from the shock. Feeling satisfied, I’m sure, he gets up and leaves the apartment. I groan as soon as the door shuts and flop onto my back.
How am I supposed to protect him from my broken heart if I keep encouraging him by the way I respond to him?
I lay on my back as I stare at the ceiling, and try to calm the fuck down. Why is it so much different now? Why is it so much harder to act like he makes me feel nothing? I question myself for another hour before my phone chimes with my morning text. I’m almost afraid to look.
Seth: Morning, pretty girl… Let’s see, today I love the way your skin gets goose bumps when I touch you or kiss you
I groan again, because it’s so sexy and sweet. He’s still trying to get me to react and we aren’t even in the same room.
Me: I like when you brush your teeth before talking to me in the morning
He’ll know I’m just trying to play off what he said and how I let him in for just a moment this morning, but it’s become a common defense to reply to his sweetness with something funny or bitter. His breath is shockingly never bad in the morning and he knows it, but I don’t know how else to respond. I can’t tell him I love the way his rough hands touch me. I can’t tell him that he makes me wet when he kisses my neck. I can’t tell him he makes me lose my breath when he holds me.
I just can’t. This is my punishment.
I hop in the shower and start my day. As I wash my body, I think about the way Seth touched me just an hour ago. My nipples harden and the throbbing in between my legs gets more intense. I lean against the shower wall and slide my hand between my legs. I see Seth’s body wash in the corner of the shower and I pick it up. I lather it in my hands and put my hand back between my thighs. I gasp as I let myself feel the sensations I always lock away. I let myself think about all the ways I want Seth and everything he could offer me if I opened up to him.
My moans increase as the pressure of my hand increases. I see Seth’s eyes boring into mine as he slides his hands over my body. That’s all I need. His eyes in my head and pressure on my much neglected clit bring me to the highest point of desire. My toes curl beneath me, and I breathe heavily as I reach my orgasm. I let out a small cry as I shudder under the hot water.
It’s not even close to the satisfaction I know Seth can bring me, but it does help relieve some of the aching. I finish my shower, washing myself in his smell, and get dressed for school. I look at my phone before I leave, and see another text from Seth.
Seth: lol funny girl… meet me at the warehouse after you get off work
I smile, excited that he wants me to come over and see him work. There’s nothing sexier than watching that man with a camera. Every once in a while he’ll let me come to the photo shoots he has in the warehouse he rents so I can watch him work. Sometimes there will be couples getting sexy photos together and other times it’ll be families who want pictures done. But the only person my eyes are on is Seth. He’s so focused on his work, that he doesn’t pay attention to the way I watch him.
Me: Be there at 4!
Seth: I’ll be thinking about that sexy moan all day, Pussy Cat
I can nearly see him laughing as he sends the message. I roll my eyes, and put my phone in my purse. Way to make my sexual need for you to come back full force, Seth. Ugh… I need another shower.
The elementary school is only about a ten minute drive, so I usually get there early. The solitude of the classroom before the crazy third graders invade the space is welcome, especially this morning. I vacillate between torturing myself with thoughts about the way Seth touched me this morning, and meditating in hopes to get him out of my head. I realize very quickly as I sit at my desk, that he had no intention of letting me go the day without thinking about him. That’s exactly why he sent that text before I left for work.
The day goes quickly, even though the kids are extra excited because it’s Friday. The lunchroom banter between teachers makes the day even better because they all gossip about the student and parents. I’ve made a couple friends, but I’m not really one to get close to anyone, so my friendships are limited to in-school only.
As soon as the last student leaves, I pack up my books and head out to my car. To say I’m eager about going to see Seth is an understatement. Every time I thought about how he touched me this morning or how I felt how much he wanted me against my back, a pulsing sensation punctured my core. A few minutes where I can just stare at him candidly without worrying about giving anything away, is very much needed.
The warehouse is about fifteen minutes away, so I rush out of the employee parking lot so I can be there at four. I pull up and turn off my old car, close my eyes, and lean my head against the headrest. I let out a long sigh, and question myself for the hundredth time today.
My desire to see Seth outweighs my knowledge that I don’t deserve to be happy, and I walk into the studio using the side entrance. Seth and his dad built a lot of the features in the space, and it looks incredible. On one side, there are five different sets for the scandalous pictures, and on the other there are five different scenes for family pictures. A divider separates each section, so there’s privacy for the customers. I hear murmuring coming from the opposite side of the building, the sexy side.
Seth only invites me to stop by when the person getting the photos doesn’t care if there are visitors, so I walk back there without a second thought.
“Beautiful,” Seth whispers when I walk into the set up. In this space there is a blush pink chaise in the center of a room that looks like it’s stuck in the thirties. There are different shades of pink along the wall, lamps, and decorations. The woman being photographed is alone on the chaise, laying on her stomach, head resting on her hand. Her blonde hair is in lose curls, and there is a silver sequined headband wrapped around her head. She’s naked except for a pale blue sheer fabric covering the majority of her butt.
Seth’s standing in front of her face, and fiddles with her hair before taking another picture. He had been talking to her. Calling her beautiful. I’m starting to regret coming. Usually when he asks me to come, it’s a couple who are getting pictures together. My fingernails bite the skin on my palms as I watch Seth looking at her so intently.
When I unclench my fists, I feel them shaking from my irritation. I can hear and feel the swooshing sound of my rapid heartbeat in my ears. He moves to the end of the lounge and kneels down so he can capture the length of her legs and back, with her hair covering her bare skin. I turn around to leave, but Seth’s voice stops me.
“No need to leave, Pussy Cat,” he says, and turns around to smirk at me. I want to slap that stupid smirk off his handsome face. I narrow my eyes at him, but his gr
in just widens at my reaction. The beautiful girl turns her head in my direction and smiles.
“Funny… when Seth kept talking about his pussy cat, I thought he was referring to a real cat,” she says with a smile and wink. I give her a timid smile in return, completely confused. Seth takes one last candid shot of the woman and then picks something up off of the floor. He hands her a robe and turns around to walk to me.
He’s wearing a black Sleeping with Sirens t-shirt and some dark jeans that fit snugly on his hips. The muscles in his arms look more defined than they were when he first came back from Europe, and they look delectable, straining against the sleeves in his shirt. He snakes his arm around my waist and pulls me flush against his chest.
My face turns away from his, in fear that he will see my possessiveness and see how good I think it feels when he holds me like this. Instead of blocking him out, I let him in, because he takes the open access of my neck to run his tongue over my pulse point.
He hums lightly and nibbles the spot he just licked.
“You’re jealous,” he murmurs throatily. “You couldn’t hide it quick enough, pretty girl.” I whip my head around and glare at him. He takes the opportunity to breathe me in. “You smell like my body wash. That’s so sexy…” His voice is strained with craving and I know I need to get out of his hold before I let him in.
I shove his shoulders and walk away. He makes me crazy. He makes me feel too much. I hear him chuckle behind me and it takes all my willpower not to punch him in the face like when we were kids.
The pretty girl stands there, now dressed in her robe, and is watching us with a small grin. Seth comes up next to me, and I tense as he puts his arm around my shoulders. Why does he affect me so much?
“Josie, this is Alayna. Alayna is getting pictures done for her girlfriend who is in Afghanistan for another six months,” Seth explains.
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