by H. M. Mann
“You do?”
Johnny nodded. “Ever since I was a kid.”
“What do you doubt about the Bible?”
Where to begin. “The miracles. Five loaves and two pieces of fish feeding five thousand people. That’s beyond belief.”
Pastor Payton nodded. “That’s kind of the definition of a miracle, Doc. It is hard to believe, but it happened. Christ proved to all of us that we can do a lot with a little, and with just a little faith, we can do the unbelievable.”
“Well, five loaves is what, a hundred slices? I mean, about a hundred. No one eats the heels.” Except maybe my adoptive parents and Scottish people. “What, did each man get one five-hundredth of a slice? A crumb each?”
“The Bible says everybody had enough to eat and that there were twelve baskets full of leftovers.”
So they were skinny and didn’t eat much back then. “I don’t know. The chances of any miracle happening are too small. It would be easier for me to win the lottery”—or Gloria’s heart now—“than for someone to feed five thousand men with a couple Filet ‘o’ Fish meals.”
“That’s what I like about you, Doc,” Pastor Payton said with a smile. “You have an engineer’s mind. I need you around me to keep me on the ground.”
He needs me and all my baggage?
“So if there is even the slightest possibility that something is true, you’ll believe it?” Pastor Payton asked.
He’s trying to trick me. “Well … I might believe something, but it has to have more than the slightest possibility of happening. Take Jonah and the whale. That story has always bothered me. A man gets thrown overboard during a storm and just happens to get swallowed up by a passing fish, which takes him on a ride inside the fish for three days. The man doesn’t die, and then the fish spits him up on a beach not too far from where God wanted Jonah to go in the first place. Did the fish have GPS or what? It would take a miracle for a man to survive all that and be put exactly where God had wanted him to be in the first place.”
Pastor Payton stared at Johnny for such a long time that Johnny thought he had grease on his face.
Johnny wiped his face as casually as he could.
“Yes, Johnny, it would take a miracle for a man to survive all that and be exactly where God wanted him to be.” Pastor Payton nodded. “And I’m not talking about Jonah. I’m talking about you, Johnny.”
How is living in the back room of an auto repair shop, taking cold showers, and daily getting turned down for loans exactly where God wants me to be? Ridiculous.
“The story of Jonah gives lots of people fits, Johnny,” Pastor Payton said. “But, a miracle it was. Jesus himself confirmed the miracle in the New Testament when he said, ‘For as Jonah was three days and three nights in the whale's belly; so shall the Son of man be three days and three nights in the heart of the earth.’ What else troubles you about the Bible?”
“Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead.”
Pastor Payton nodded. “Go on.”
“You expect me to believe that Lazarus was really dead for four days? I think he swooned. I think he fainted. Keeled over. Fell out. Nodded off. Took a deep sleep. Passed out. Lost consciousness. He wasn’t dead. He was a heavy sleeper. He was … resting.”
“In a cave? Lazarus was dead enough for his loving family to decide he was dead and put him in a cave. Why would any loving family seal a living family member in a cave?”
You should really see where I’ve been living. It’s over there next to the staff bathroom. You can probably smell it from here. “I don’t know. These things do happen.” Even in the best of families.
“So it wasn’t a miracle?” Pastor Payton asked.
“There has to be a perfectly logical explanation.”
“Miracles aren’t always logical, Doc. By definition, a miracle isn’t something that anyone can easily explain.”
“But that’s why I doubt miracles, Pastor. If there’s no logical explanation, I can’t believe it.”
Pastor Payton nodded. “The Bible says, ‘For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.’”
“Well, I need to know in full. It’s how I’m made. It’s what makes me tick.”
“Let me ask you, Thomas, did you know we’d be having this conversation tonight?”
“No.” I barely knew what day it was until he told me to come to church tomorrow.
“So you didn’t even know in part. Do you know what will happen tomorrow?”
Johnny shook his head. “No one can be totally sure of anything these days, Pastor.” I used to think you went to the bank to get your money. Now, the banks are coming to us for our money.
“Let’s get down to the nitty-gritty, Johnny,” Pastor Payton said. “You know I don’t sugarcoat anything.”
Johnny nodded. If the man says it will take hard work, it is hard work.
“Do you doubt that Jesus rose from the dead? Do you doubt the resurrection?”
“If I doubt that Lazarus returned from the dead, I have to doubt Jesus’ resurrection or I’ll be contradicting myself. I mean, a man dies on Friday, and three days later he vanishes from his tomb. It had to be a conspiracy. His followers, who obviously wanted to impress folks and maybe make some coin off the whole miracle thing steal his body and say Jesus has arisen from the dead. It’s a miracle! Believe! Give us your money! Um, no offense, Pastor.”
“That’s the most I think I’ve ever heard you say, Doc,” Pastor Payton said.
Johnny looked at the corrugated metal ceiling. “That’s probably the most I’ve ever said to anyone, yeah.” Except for that night at the apartment with Gloria. Yeah. That was some night.
“Johnny, do you believe in every conspiracy you hear?”
“No.” Though I kind of believe they’re putting less Captain Crunch in the same size box.
“Doc, Christ appeared to five hundred different people after his crucifixion. The Jewish leaders at the time didn’t even try to refute the claim of the empty tomb. They merely paid off the guards and only rejected that it ever happened. They didn’t even try to disprove it.”
A typical case of mass hallucination, Johnny thought. Millions of Americans voted for George Bush twice, and if that isn’t mass hallucination, I don’t know what is.
“You do believe that a man named Jesus Christ existed, right?” Pastor Payton asked.
“Sure. But he was only a man.”
“And you know this for a fact?”
Johnny didn’t know anything that was a fact anymore. “No, but mere men wrote the Bible.” And men are usually wrong. Ask any woman. Ask any of the Minnick women.
“So at least you acknowledge that Jesus did walk the earth.”
Johnny nodded. “But He was quite a problem child.”
Pastor Payton sat back. “Jesus Christ, the son of the living God, was a problem child? How so?”
“Well, you can’t really blame Him. I mean, He was born in Bethlehem and lived in Nazareth. What good ever came out of Nazareth, right? And He didn’t know who His daddy was, right?” Which reminds me of the person I see staring at me from that greasy mirror in the bathroom every morning.
“Jesus knew exactly who His father was,” Pastor Payton said. “God was His father, and Jesus knew His father from the beginning of time. Jesus said, ‘I and my Father are one.’”
Must be nice to know who your daddy was even before you were born. “But he ran away from his parents when he was twelve, didn’t he? Doesn’t the Bible say to honor your father and mother and to obey your parents?”
“Yes, it does say that, but Jesus was in the Temple the entire time. He told His parents, ‘I must be about my Father’s business.’”
“But He worried His parents, didn’t He? If that happened today, there would be an Amber alert, CNN would show up to do a story, and His parents would be charged with parental neglect.” Or worse, Johnny thought. They’d be forced to go on The Today Show.
“Jesus was in church, the safest place on earth.” Pastor Payton took a deep breath. “If more people spent more time in church, the world would be a much safer place.”
I was happier when I was at Faith Ministries. Someone beautiful held my hand there. And sometimes a beautiful little girl would hold my hand, too. “But what about all those years of silence before Jesus turned thirty? What was He doing then? A good biography should never have any gaps. I mean, if you leave an eighteen-year gap on a résumé, no one will hire you.”
“The Bible tells us that Jesus ‘increased in wisdom and stature, and grew in favor with God and men.’ Jesus was a carpenter. That’s what He was doing. He knew the value of work. He helped out His family. He did everything regular folks did and still do so He could best serve us.”
“Well, He turned thirty and quit His job. Very irresponsible for a grown man to do that.” Like someone else I know. Geez, I have been completely irresponsible. Or have I? If this is exactly where God wants me to be, He must have wanted me to quit my cool job and spend all day filling my nails with grease. Or did He?
Johnny was as confused as a toothless dog with a leather chew toy.
“But Jesus took a new job,” Pastor Payton said, “the most important job switch in world history. Jesus started His ministry.”
“Well, He didn’t have much of a support system,” Johnny said. “Fishermen? A tax collector? He had some shady disciples with checkered pasts. Jesus chose twelve common, ordinary, uneducated men, one of whom would later betray him. Jesus sure didn’t pick his friends very well.” But I suppose that’s the kind of friends you get when you go around claiming to be the Messiah and saying that God is your real daddy.
“‘But God hath chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise, and God hath chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty, and base things of the world, and things which are despised.’”
If I ever need a Bible, I’ll just call up Pastor Payton and turn the pages in his head.
“Christ made people his priority, Doc, so He chose ordinary, flawed people so He could reach more ordinary, flawed people.”
I’m definitely one of those.
“Those twelve disciples failed, struggled, and doubted,” Pastor Payton continued. “They weren’t perfect, but you don’t have to be perfect to get into heaven. The kingdom of heaven is for everyone, not just for the rich or the educated.”
Johnny was all out of comebacks, so he sat and listened.
“Jesus went to where the people were. They walked, so He walked. He felt everything we feel. He felt tired. He felt lonely. He felt hungry. He felt cold. And He wasn’t walking without a purpose. He taught, He counseled, and He performed miracles. He encouraged everyone to lay up treasures in heaven.” Pastor Payton took a breath. “Eternal life is the ultimate benefit, don’t you think?”
“I’m not sure I believe in living forever.” I have enough trouble just living now. “To be honest, I don’t know if I believe in anything right now.”
“Tell me, Doc, have you ever been in love?”
“Once.”
“With Gloria?”
Johnny nodded. But only one of us was in love at the time so it didn’t count.
“Could you see the love you felt for her?” Pastor Payton asked.
Johnny shook his head. If we could actually see love, the government would probably tax it, and we’d still be in a recession because Congress would mismanage the “love tax” revenues.
“Yet you believed in love anyway.” He leaned closer. “And deep down, you still believe in it.”
Johnny nodded. I’ve never stopped believing in it. Just lost sight of it. “Yeah.”
“Come to church tomorrow.”
“I don’t know.”
“What have you got to lose?”
There’s nothing left to lose! “Pastor Payton, I’ve, um, I’ve lost a lot here recently, and I’m angry about it. I mean, you made me a deacon before I really knew what I believed. I have too many questions, too many doubts. I mean, if Jesus did exist and rose again from the dead thereby defeating death, as you say, why do people still die? If Christ did turn those few loaves of bread and a couple fish into a feast for thousands, why are children starving all over the world? If God is a God of love, why have people killed each other in God’s name throughout history? If God is supposed to protect the innocent, why …” Why did He let that man walk past me to kill thirty-three people? Johnny began to weep. “I can’t stop asking why, Pastor.”
“There are no easy answers, Doc. We all have doubts and moments of doubt. Even me. That’s what makes us human.” He walked over to Johnny and touched his arm. “I know only a little of what you’ve gone through in your life from what you’ve shared with me and what Gloria has told me. God has put you on my heart for a long time, Johnny Holiday, and there are some things I know God wants me to tell you. You ready for me to lay it all on you? It might get heavy.”
“I’m ready.”
“God is omnipresent. He is everywhere, and He promises to be everywhere. Wherever you are, at work, at home, alone or with friends, He is there. When you’re in trouble, He’s there. When you’re at your absolute lowest, He is still there.”
Which means he’s hanging out with us right now. I wonder if He knows how to get this grease from under my nails without my fingertips losing their skin.
“God is also omniscient. He knows our thoughts, our desires, our hopes, our dreams, our fears. And He knows them because He came to earth and became a man. He left heaven, Johnny. He left perfection to come to this imperfect world so we could live happier lives and later join Him in heaven.”
So when does my happier life begin?
“God is also omnipotent. There is nothing God cannot do. Nothing. The storms He has brought you through when you couldn’t see through the storm, when you doubted you could ever make it—He brought you through those storms.”
Johnny dried his eyes roughly with his sleeve. “If God is everywhere, knows everything, and can do anything, then why isn’t He solving the world’s problems? Why isn’t He stopping the turmoil in the Middle East? Why isn’t He curing cancer? Why isn’t He fixing our economy? Why … why did the shooting at Tech happen? Huh?”
“People make the problems in this world, not God. We are the problem. God is not the problem. God is the solution. He is your solution.”
I once thought Marla was my solution, and she left. I even thought Gloria was my solution, and I left. .
“God has been watching over you, Doc,” Pastor Payton said. “He’s been solving your problems all along. He delivered you from death that day because, as the song says, he ain’t done with you yet. The Bible says, ‘Who delivered us from so great a death, and doth deliver: in whom we trust that he will yet deliver us.’”
I like that verse, and it’s not because I used to deliver pizzas.
“Doc, you know almost as much of what’s in the Bible as I do,” Pastor Payton said, squeezing Johnny’s shoulder. “Someone drilled it into you a long time ago.”
“Yeah.” Mr. and Mrs. Holiday, who sent me a Christmas gift card to Red Lobster when I was fighting diarrhea … and I have yet to thank them for it. I should give them a call.
“So try to remember those words, and those words will be a lamp unto your feet and a light unto your path.” Pastor Payton checked his watch. “I’m late again.”
“Sorry I kept you so long,” Johnny said, walking him out.
“You didn’t bring me here or keep me here, Doc,” Pastor Payton said.
Johnny nodded as goose bumps raced up his spine. “Right.”
After Pastor Payton left, Johnny tried to remember the words. They came to him slowly, in fits and starts, as he lay upon his cot. Ask and you’ll get it. Something like that. Sounds too easy. Seek and you will find. Find what, though? What if you’re not sure of what you’re looking for? Knock, and God will open the door. I bet God is a good tipper. He wouldn’
t want the Devil to talk bad about him. Come to me … everyone who is weary—check!—and burdened—check!—and …
And what? Oh yeah.
And I will give you rest.
I sure could use a good night’s sleep, God. And if I dream, make it something boring like watching paint dry or grass grow. And if it’s not too much trouble, let me see Gloria again.
He settled under his dusty covers in his dusty clothes, the heat oppressive but the words flowing now … Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me, for I am meek and lowly of heart … And you shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.
Johnny Holiday dreamed of mountains and hills and slept through the night for the first time since April 16, 2006.
He woke up smiling.
Gloria was holding his hand the entire time in his dream.
45
Johnny arrived early at Faith Ministries, so early he was the first deacon there. He straightened up the sound booth, removing several Styrofoam cups and gum wrappers. He turned on the AC unit near the stage, where the musicians would be sweating later. He made sure each pew had at least two Bibles. When it started to rain, he took an orphan umbrella from the umbrella stand and walked outside to his post in the parking lot.
Time to meet and greet, he thought. I wonder if anyone will recognize me after nearly six months.
As cars, vans, trucks, and even a few pedestrians arrived, Johnny shielded those without umbrellas as best as he could, welcoming them to church and generally smiling a lot.
Most smiled back, and some even gave him hugs or shook his hand. “Long time no see,” they said. “Good to see you again,” they said. “Have you been sick?” they said.
A little girl even said, “The goofy man is back, Mama.”
You get what you give, Johnny thought, trying hard—and failing miserably—not to think about the arrival of Gloria, Angel, and Marion. In between arriving cars, Johnny picked up trash in the parking lot, checked out “his” sidewalk, and listened to the musicians warming up to “You are Holy,” one of Johnny’s favorite songs. He checked the time on his phone and smiled. Gloria should be arriving in five, four, three, two …