“A little?” Kelli crossed her arms over her chest and stared.
“Don’t push it McCabe.”
“All right. Sorry, shit.”
Williams glared at her. Then, by degrees, his face softened. “You have legit reasons to be pissed off at the world. I’m just glad you’re trying to come out from under everything.”
Kelli looked down in her coffee cup. When the hell had she drank it all?
“Your doctor doing okay with all this?”
Kelli looked up then. “She’s not my anything, and I guess she’s doing okay.”
Williams’s eyes narrowed. “The boys on her detail said you’ve been there—”
“Yeah, so?” Even she thought she sounded defensive.
“Whoa.” Williams held out a placating hand. “Don’t eat my face off. I just assumed since you weren’t trying to tear me an extra asshole things had changed.”
Kelli stood and threw the empty Styrofoam cup into his trashcan. Her mug was bigger anyway. She just had to wash it. “Later,” she said before walking away.
He was right. Things had changed. One minute Kelli was enthusiastic about the situation with Nora, and the next she was cagey as hell. They needed to talk, not over or around the mess they’d made, but through it. Kelli was reluctant to press the issue. She already knew how Nora reacted when she was pushed, and she didn’t want them to end back up at square negative one, especially since they had taken a baby step forward.
*
Nora made a notation in a chart and flipped it closed. She knew her protective detail was lurking somewhere nearby, and they weren’t as invasive as she thought they would be.
Susan sighed as she walked up beside her. “I like my days off and everything. Yesterday was great, but it’s been almost two years since I had a real vacation.”
“Why haven’t you?” Nora glanced at her and asked. She moved away from the nurses’ station toward the attendings’ lounge.
Susan shrugged and fell into step next to her. “No idea. What about you? These past few months must have been…what’s the word I’m looking for? Insane…for you. The other night would have sent me packing to Canada.”
“I don’t know anyone in Canada.”
“Neither do I, but that’s not the point. It’s good to see that you’re okay in person. I’m sorry if I called too much. After the way you left the other night, I just wanted to make sure you were safe.”
Nora smiled. She could definitely get used to this—the warmth and kindness of others. “Thank you. I’m glad you called. My phone doesn’t ring often these days. Not that it ever did.”
Susan looked her up and down and snorted. “I find that hard to believe. Have you seen yourself?”
“My appearance hasn’t made much of a difference.”
“Even with that detective? By the way, was that her at the hotel?”
“Yes. Why?” Nora decided that it was safer to answer the second question.
“Oh my, you were not kidding about the level of hotness. She seemed very intense.”
“I didn’t say…” She never used the word hot, even though it was accurate. Nora decided it was pointless to correct her. “She can be, but she’s usually more jovial. There’s a number of things happening with her family, and she was concerned—”
“About you.” Susan finished for her.
Heat rushed to Nora’s face. Kelli had gone above and beyond. It meant so much. “Yes.”
“Such pretty colors. She really must be something.”
This time Nora’s flush had more to do with embarrassment. “I…suppose.”
“Heard that phrase before. I’m going to take it as a resounding yes. So, things are a lot less complicated between the two of you now?”
Nora wished… Well, she wished for a lot, including for a way to rewind time. Maybe she could have done something…said something to alter the course of events. “You certainly ask a lot of questions.”
“I do, and I’m going to guess that’s a no. I just assumed…” Susan deflated a bit. “Well, why the hell not?”
“I beg your pardon?” Nora let her indignation color her tone. Besides, did she really have an answer to that question? Why not? Because she was scared? Because she was desperately holding on to aspects of herself that used to be? Her head screamed that these continued to be legitimate reasons to keep Kelli at arm’s length, but her heart wanted her to wear Kelli’s Master of Puppet’s T-shirts, flirt shamelessly, and ultimately give in.
Susan snorted. “Oh please, you’re not that easily offended.”
“No, I’m not, but this isn’t something I want to discuss.”
“Richard called Mary a couple hours ago. He apologized for being an ass and running away. She went to go meet him for lunch to talk about things. She’s going to suggest they go to therapy,” Susan said.
Nora stopped walking. “She’s really taking him back… Just like that?”
Susan nodded. “Just like that.”
Nora imagined that it took an excess of emotional maturity to navigate through Mary’s situation. Nora wasn’t sure if she would describe herself that way. “I’m happy for her.”
“Yeah, me too. Takes a big person to make that kind of leap of faith,” Susan said.
She knew what Susan was implying. “My situation isn’t the same. You’re making assumptions.”
Susan smiled slightly. “I’m shutting up now. I talk too much, remember?”
She really was an exasperating woman. Nora glared.
Susan’s smile widened before she turned and walked away.
Extremely exasperating.
Nora had to go a few more steps to reach her destination, but she barely moved a muscle. Her thoughts twisted and turned. Despite what Susan described, nothing emotional could ever be that simple. Could it? She and Kelli didn’t have ten years together, but they’d been through more than the average couple. Of that, she was sure. What developed was the most beautiful thing she had ever been a part of. Yet, they ruined it. Even if she took that “leap of faith,” Nora wasn’t sure their relationship would be anything like it was before.
It was a frightening thought, but she had to acknowledge that the groundwork was there and the spark between them burned just as hot as ever. Regardless, it all came tumbling down. Maybe it was best that they couldn’t go back to what they were before, because it was weak enough to buckle under pressure. Maybe they could move toward something better.
Nora wasn’t the same woman she was a month, or even a week, ago. That part of the equation had changed completely, which would probably alter the final outcome. She was more open to the world now and had found the right people to lead the way. If she could let Susan, Patricia, and Mary in, Nora should be able to open the door wider for Kelli. There was so much information to wade through, and everything was so muddled. She shook her head to clear it. All of this was giving her a headache.
There was nothing logical about this situation. She reminded herself yet again.
What was she doing? It wasn’t thinking, extrapolating, or analyzing that created all those moments between them. Exploration of her emotions paved the way, and Nora felt each minute they had together down to the bone.
She wanted that again. She craved it, and she was so tired of fighting it.
No, her head had no place in this.
It really was that simple. Nora had a choice. She could take the foundation they had, try to build a lasting happiness, and put a bit of herself into every brick to make it stronger and safer to dwell within. Or, she could leave it dilapidated and crumbling to nothing, as if it had never existed at all. That alternative was sacrilegious, and she had to believe that Kelli wanted the same. Nora was no detective, but the evidence was there to support her case.
Nora moved quickly and finally entered the lounge. It was empty, which was ideal because she needed a moment of privacy. Nora’s hand shook as she fished her cell phone from the pocket of her lab coat. She swiped her finger over Kelli’s nam
e. After taking a deep breath, Nora typed out a text.
We need to talk tonight.
The reply was almost immediate.
Yeah of course. U ok?
Nora smiled and laughed softly, as a staggering warmth swept through her.
Yes, I am.
*
Kelli parked her car in front of Nora’s house. She stared out the windshield into the darkness as if the secrets of the goddamned universe were dancing around on the hood. She was nervous. No, she was more than that. This “talk” had to mean something good. Right? Nora called her. Nora flirted with her. In fact, Nora was running the show. It was difficult as hell not to try to take the reins, but Kelli decided that maybe it was her way of showing that she could change. The transformation hadn’t been pretty. She’d been a major dick to just about everyone, but hey, maybe she was a fucking swan underneath all the bullshit she’d been throwing. Was she scared that Nora was going to cut and run again? Fuck yes, but there was no off switch for Nora. She was in her head…in her heart. She’d seen and felt what life was like without her. In other words, she was damned if she did and damned if she didn’t.
On the other hand, this could be the final “I don’t think I can do this” speech. What would be the point of that? All Nora had to do was freeze her out and end all communication between them. Just thinking about it made her want to puke. Hell, she’d broken out in a cold sweat once or twice earlier in the day, contemplating the whole mess. Kelli had gone back and forth most of the afternoon. What was one more time?
Not knowing fucking sucked. All she had to do was get out of the car to find out. Kelli’s phone chirped, and the sound nearly made her jump out of her skin. Nervous, yeah. Focused, definitely. It was a text from Sean.
Nothing today.
Kelli sighed. Too bad the whole situation with Tony couldn’t just resolve itself. It would be great if he would just come to his senses. That was a bullshit fantasy, and Kelli didn’t let herself wallow in it. The DEU didn’t have anything new. The only thing she’d gotten from them was that there was going to be a huge bust soon, and if he was caught, Tony would have a chance to cut himself a nice deal. She typed her response quickly.
Thnks 4 letting me kno
Whatever. He responded.
They’d barely talked since that day at the deli. She sighed again. One clusterfuck at a time. Kelli had to get through this meeting with Nora, so she could clean up the other ones. Scratch that. This was her brother. She had to deal with him, even if she had to crawl.
A few minutes later, Kelli tapped on the window of the gray Crown Vic in Nora’s driveway. The cops inside waved. She almost hesitated, but she’d stalled long enough. It was time to deal with this, whatever the outcome. Kelli took a deep breath and pressed the doorbell. Nora opened it in less than ten seconds. She was counting.
Oh shit. Everything around them fell away. Nora stood there in Kelli’s Metallica T-shirt and possibly pants. Not that they mattered.
“Hey,” Kelli said and decided that she was never going to wear that shirt again. It didn’t belong to her anymore.
Nora gave her a small smile and stepped out of the doorway to let her in.
There were fireworks going off in Kelli’s head. Her emotions collided with each other to create all kinds of pretty colors. She was relieved and scared as shit, but a tentative excitement took the most space. Kelli walked into the living area and headed straight for the couch. She needed to sit down.
“Beer? I…uh stopped by Whole Foods on the way home.”
Nora was nervous. It was cute and a little confusing. “Sweetwater?”
“No…you finished the last one before…and I eventually got rid of the rest.”
What were the right words for it? Temporary conscious uncoupling? It wasn’t a breakup…not really, and it sure as hell wasn’t a vacation. “Yeah, okay.” Kelli cleared her throat. “What do you have?”
“Lagunitas Sucks.”
Kelli stared. “Who?”
“It’s the name of the beer.”
Kelli actually chuckled. “Sounds interesting.” She started to stand. “I can get it.”
“It’s on the table.” Nora pointed at the coffee table in front of them.
Goddamn. How the hell did she miss that? There was a whole fucking spread on the table. Probably because she was concentrating on the woman standing a few feet away from her. “Damn…yeah, okay.”
Nora sat down on the cushion next to her. Kelli reached for a beer and snatched her hand away the last second. “You’re wearing—”
“Your shirt again,” Nora said. “Yes, I am.”
Suddenly, Kelli was very thirsty. She grabbed the beer and guzzled it. It was still cold and very good. She felt Nora studying her the whole time. Kelli had a million questions. Instead of asking them, she waited. Their gazes met.
“Leaving…like I did was selfish. I should have stayed. We could have talked, but I didn’t trust that woman. I couldn’t trust myself. She liked…I liked…giving in to you…drowning in you.”
Kelli swallowed. “You trust her now?”
“I am her.” Nora’s gaze was dark, intense. “I always have been. I just couldn’t accept it. I was invested in what we had, just not all the way. That’s why we—”
“Stop. I’d be the biggest asshole in creation if I let you sit here and take all the blame. I fucked up, Nora. I knew what I was doing. I knew pushing you like that would affect you somehow, and I did it anyway. I didn’t think it would have this much of an impact. Obviously, I don’t know you as well as I thought I did. That didn’t stop me from being pissed. I don’t think I’ve ever been that angry at anybody.”
“Are you still?” Nora looked down at her lap and back up again.
“Shit…yeah. I’d be lying otherwise. I wanna understand… I mean I do, and it’s not just you. I’m angry at myself and just about everybody else. I’m fucking pissed all the time now.” Kelli sucked in a deep breath and found that the ache in her chest didn’t hurt as much as it usually did. She wanted to trust Nora. She just needed to give Kelli a reason to.
“Then…why did you come?”
“Because I don’t wanna be that way anymore. It’s exhausting, and it doesn’t make shit better. I’m not used to that. I don’t break things. I usually fix them.”
Nora stared at her for a long time. Kelli wanted to reach out to her. She wanted…hell…so many things. “I…wasn’t just something to fix, was I?”
“God no! How can you even ask me that? You were…are…perfect. I think I told you once or twice.”
“No, I’m not. We wouldn’t be in this situation otherwise.”
“Okay, yeah. Neither one of us would win any awards.”
“Obviously.” Nora reached for Kelli’s beer and took a swig. Her face scrunched up.
Kelli laughed. It was a moment of much needed levity. “You don’t like that one?”
“Not at all,” Nora answered. She sipped at a glass of wine instead.
“Can I try that?” Kelli asked. She wasn’t sure why.
Nora nodded. Their fingertips brushed during the transfer, resulting in a bolt of electricity that shot all the way down to the pit of Kelli’s stomach. Nora’s gaze darkened, and Kelli knew she felt it too. She hoped they always would.
Kelli peered at Nora over the rim of the wine glass as she drank. It was crisp and a little sweeter than usual.
“I don’t want this…us…to be over.”
Sputtering, Kelli dribbled the rest of the wine all down the front of her shirt, but that didn’t matter at all. “Yeah?” She set the glass back on the table.
“Yeah,” Nora answered. She smiled softly.
Kelli grinned right back. “Me either.” Her heart jumped into her throat when she felt Nora’s fingers skim over her hand before intertwining with her own. The embrace helped to solidify the moment, but Kelli wanted more. She needed more.
“Where do we go from here?” Nora asked. She stared at Kelli with those incredible ey
es of hers. She looked sure and vulnerable at the same time.
Kelli wished she knew, but figuring it out together was the biggest fucking bonus ever. She scooted closer. Just one kiss. It felt like it had been forever. “I don’t know, but can I—”
“Yes, please.” Nora leaned forward, obliterating the final distance between them.
CHAPTER 11
For Kelli, life at this moment was a little odd. It was as if she was taking a deep breath after being under water for well over a month. Parts of her brain that had been fucked up were finally getting oxygen again, which helped her to realize she needed to clean up her mess sooner rather than later.
Was everything fixed between her and Nora? Hell no. Only two days had passed, but it was great to finally talk again. Although, Kelli wasn’t sure she would call it that since she had been stumbling over her words like a toddler. For the first time in a long while, she felt green as hell where women…well, this woman, was concerned. Kelli was new to this make up stuff, but she was done being on the outside looking in. Nora had made the first move, and now Kelli was working on making the second and third.
She covered her mouth as she yawned. Sooner or later, the whole lack of sleep thing was going to get to her. An extra hour wouldn’t hurt, but just the thought of her not being there when she was needed made any complaint feel like whining. Coffee. She needed coffee. Kelli searched her desk for her coffee cup, but it was missing. Annoyed, she glanced up only to see Williams coming her way with her coffee mug in hand.
“Here. Figured you needed this. I would have brought it earlier, but I was briefing the boss.”
Williams set the cup on her desk. The last time he’d started a conversation like this, Kelli had pretty much told him to go fuck himself. She gave him a little smile. “Thanks.”
One of his bushy eyebrows moved up slowly like a caterpillar. “Somebody must have laced this shit with something. You’ve been getting a little nicer every day.”
Kelli shrugged, but after everything she’d put him through, he deserved more than that. She was ready to give it to him. “Yeah, sorry. I’m trying.”
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