“Hey.” Kelli’s tone was flat. She tried to move away, but Nora refused to let her. She rested her chin on Kelli’s shoulder and tightened the embrace. Kelli continued to stare into nothingness.
Instead of responding verbally, Nora pressed her lips against the exposed skin on Kelli’s shoulder. Finally, Kelli turned slightly. Her expression was haunted. Nora held her even tighter. Slowly, Kelli relaxed. The tension left her body. Nora brushed her mouth against Kelli’s shoulder once more, in relief and in gratitude that Kelli let her in.
They lingered in the moment, standing quietly together. Nora enjoyed the still, almost calm moments between them. When the words came, they were always more poignant and fostered deeper understanding between them, and Nora wanted nothing more than to feel closer to Kelli. Even though her eyes remained stormy, Kelli smiled.
“I’m not exactly the best company right now. What did I do to deserve that?” Kelli asked.
Nora shrugged. “I’m not sure. I just—”
Kelli turned in her arms completely. “We’re getting good at this again, even better than before.”
Nora looped her arms around Kelli’s neck and shivered when Kelli’s hand teased the back of her thighs. “Good at what?” She asked, already distracted.
“Everything…reading each other, and…” Kelli bent forward and captured Nora’s lips in a brief kiss. “This.”
A sound of agreement rumbled from Nora’s throat. “Even when you’re brooding, you’re easy.”
Kelli’s eyes widened, and she chuckled. The past couple of days held little laughter, which was understandable given the situation.
After realizing that her words had been misconstrued, Nora’s face flushed. “I meant to say that… I thought things between us would be difficult. It turned out to be the easiest thing I’ve ever done.”
Kelli’s smile widened. “I have to agree. I think we both needed things to be simple. But—”
Nora pressed her lips against Kelli’s chin then gazed at her. In an instant, Kelli’s expression changed, yet again.
“Even with all my drama?” Kelli sucked in a deep breath and let it out slowly. “There’s so much of it.”
Kelli needed reassurance. Nora knew her past actions caused the thread of doubt that was making a reappearance. More than ever, her words needed to match her actions. “It’s worth it. With medicine…the gratification, the high, that comes from healing. I needed that. There wasn’t anything else.”
Kelli’s expression was open, vulnerable. Nora hoped that she was matching it. Her hand trailed from Kelli’s neck to her cheek. Kelli chased the touch. When her lips caressed Nora’s palm, a lazy bolt of heat resulted from the contact. The feeling zipped down her spine and caused her to quiver in reaction. “But you…make me feel…sometimes I don’t have words to describe it. I need that more.”
Kelli’s eyes darkened. “Yeah, I know what you mean.” This time, Kelli’s kiss lingered and transformed into something deeper.
Nora groaned, as Kelli’s tongue traced over her bottom lip. She opened, already hungry for more. They kissed until she was breathless and needy. Kelli’s hands slid over her naked buttocks, squeezing roughly. Nora clutched at Kelli’s shoulders. Arousal bombarded her with brutal force, making her ache.
“Kelli.” Had it only been a few days since they’d touched like this? If felt like more.
Kelli pulled back abruptly. Her breathing was uneven and her face flushed. She trembled slightly. “Fuck, sorry, I—”
Kelli’s hesitation was endearing. “There’s nothing to apologize for.”
“I don’t want to take advantage. Like I did the first—”
Nora tangled her fingers in Kelli’s hair and crushed their lips together. So much had changed. Without reservation, Nora had given of herself more than she thought was possible. This was just another aspect.
“Take what you need,” Nora said into Kelli’s mouth.
Kelli moaned and stepped away reluctantly. “No, you’re not a quick fuck. We’re about more than that.”
“No, not a quick one.”
“Je-sus, Nora.”
Overall, this wasn’t the response Nora was expecting, but it heated her in an entirely different way, causing a sweeter ache.
“I don’t want it to be like that between us. Getting lost that way…isn’t gonna help. Not with this.”
Nora nodded, but she didn’t let go. She didn’t know if she could. She inhaled deeply. Kelli’s hands trailed down her back becoming soothing rather than arousing.
“Sorry.” Kelli kissed Nora’s ear.
“Don’t apologize. I can definitely understand.” Nora felt far from rejected.
They parted reluctantly. Nora didn’t sense any awkwardness between them, but the ever-present awareness that seemed to always crackle between them remained.
Kelli cleared her throat. “Coffee?” Her voice was an octave higher than usual.
Nora grinned. She loved the effect they had on each other. “Yes, as long as it’s—”
“The fancy kind. I know,” Kelli said teasingly.
“Well, coffee shouldn’t taste like muddy water.”
Kelli’s face scrunched in disgust. “Just like beer shouldn’t taste like moose piss.”
“Exactly,” Nora said.
A few minutes later, Nora was sipping a Gevalia French roast. Kelli was bent over, browsing through the contents of the refrigerator. “Damn, the cinnamon rolls are gone.”
“They don’t taste nearly as good reheated. I could go get some more?”
“No, that’s okay. I need to get to Mom’s soon. Sean’s working this weekend. She seems a little better when one of us is around. I probably should have already left.” Kelli paused and took a healthy swig from her cup. “So, you could stay here, or I can meet you at your place later?” She gazed at Nora hopefully.
Nora looked at Kelli over the rim of her mug and made a quick decision. “I could just come with you.”
“Nora…” Kelli’s tone was cautious. “Mom is nothing like she was when you came over for dinner. She can get pretty nasty when there’s a bunch of shit going on. I don’t want to drag you into—”
“Kelli.” Nora stopped her. “I’m coming.” No matter the circumstances, there was no place she’d rather be.
Kelli stared at her a little while longer. Her expression went from tentative to one of wonder. “Okay.”
*
Nora trailed behind her, as they walked toward her mother’s house. She glanced over her shoulder. Nora smiled, causing a pleasant flutter in her chest. She was a little less burdened and felt more capable of dealing with all the emotions that lay beyond the front door. When Nora was near, she wasn’t as lost. “You’re not nervous?”
Nora shook her head. “But you are.”
“Yeah, she’ll probably take both our heads clean off with whatever knife she’s holding. I’m used to it, but you—”
“I think I can handle it. Don’t worry.”
“Easy for you to say.” Kelli fished her keys out of her pocket. “I don’t want to overwhelm you or anything. You can just take my car if it gets to be too much. I—”
“Stop.” Nora grabbed Kelli’s hand. “Maybe I’m a little apprehensive, but she’s an extension of you. I’ve seen you at your—”
“At my worst,” Kelli said for her. “Shit, if you can handle me…that should prepare us for anything. She’s been quiet about this Antony thing too long. She’s just stewing. I know it. It’s all gonna blow up in my face.” Kelli couldn’t shake the feeling.
“Then, it’s a good thing I’m here. You’ll need backup,” Nora said.
“Yeah, we’ll see.” She sighed and decided that the moment needed to be lightened up a little bit. “Anyway, she has a mean sweet tooth. I think what’s in that bag might go a long way.” Kelli glanced at the bag of cinnamon rolls Nora was holding.
“It worked for you.”
Kelli snorted. “I was already…well.” She was in trouble way bef
ore Nora introduced her to those cinnamon rolls.
“What?” Nora asked when Kelli didn’t continue.
“Nothing.” Kelli grinned and pulled her toward the door. “C’mon.”
As they entered, the aroma from the kitchen blasted them.
“That smell…” Nora said.
“Yeah, I know. Smells like she’s making sauce. She cooks when she’s stressed, remember? There were enough leftovers for a month when Dad died.” Despite sad memories, there was something about the scent of home. It reminded her of simpler times when their family was whole and the house was full of laughter. She wanted that again. Maybe she already had it, just in a different form. Kelli squeezed Nora’s hand.
“Kelli? Is that you?” Carina called out.
“Yeah, Mom.” They headed toward the kitchen.
Her mother looked up when Kelli entered. The stove was covered with pots and pans. Some sizzled, and others steamed. Carina stood behind a large kitchen island, kneading dough for the pasta maker. Kelli studied her mother. She had dark smudges under her eyes, and she was very pale.
Kelli met her mother’s gaze. Carina smiled but her heart wasn’t in it. She gave Nora a quick glance, but said nothing. Well, shit, that wasn’t good.
“Good morning, Mrs. McCabe. Bolognese sauce?”
Kelli almost smiled. Smart lady. Nora detected the sharks in the water. She was going to charm them out of the way.
This time, when Carina looked at Nora, her gaze stayed a little longer. “Wish I was doing it under better circumstances.”
“Me too.” Nora set the bag on the kitchen island.
“What’s that?” Carina asked.
“Cinnamon rolls,” Nora said.
“Smells good. Cream cheese icing?” Carina wiped her hands on a towel and reached for the bag.
“Lots of it.”
Carina stuck a hand in the bag. When it came back out, her finger was coated in icing. She licked her finger. “Mmm, very good. Thank you.” The look she gave Nora this time was a little more sincere.
Kelli watched them both. So far so good.
“The sauce you’re cooking, is that one of the recipes you were going to give me?” Nora asked.
“No… I think I said I would teach you.”
Nora smiled. “You did. I’m sorry.”
“She didn’t completely scare you off?” Carina asked a few seconds later. She stared pointedly at Kelli Nora lifted their still joined hands slightly. “She did not.”
Carina’s mouth twitched. Thank fucking Jesus. The almost smile was the hard evidence she needed that at least this part of her visit was going well. Kelli almost did a little dance.
“Can I help with anything?” Nora asked.
Kelli’s mother looked back down at the globs of dough. “You can finish sautéing the sausage. Let it char a little.”
“No problem.”
Kelli was impressed, big time. She was tempted to give Nora a swat on the ass in thanks and out of pride, but held herself back. That probably wasn’t the best idea. Kelli poured herself some coffee and sat on one of the stools that lined the other side of the island. The quiet lulled her. She watched the most important women in her life work together. “You put anything different in this one?” Kelli asked.
Carina fed a strip of dough through the pasta maker. “Don’t worry. You’ll eat it, and you’ll like it.”
Nora chuckled, and Kelli glared at her for a moment before turning her attention back to her mom. “Did you sleep last night, Mom?” She hated to ruin the mood, but the subject needed to be addressed.
“Why? I look like shit?”
“Mom.”
“Don’t mom me. Just answer the question.”
“You look like you didn’t sleep last night,” Kelli said.
Carina waved the words away. “I caught an hour or two.”
“You could call the doctor. I’m sure she’d prescribe something.” Kelli should have let it go, but she couldn’t. She worried.
“Is it anything like what your doctor’s been prescribing?” Her mother sassed.
Kelli glanced in Nora’s direction. Nora’s face was bright red.
“God, I hope not,” Kelli said quietly.
“What?” Carina asked.
“Nothing. I’m being serious.”
“And I wasn’t?”
“Look, I’m just worried about you, Mom.”
Carina abandoned her pasta making and met Kelli’s gaze. “I know you are, baby.” She sighed. “I wrote him a letter.”
They needed to be straightforward about this. It was the only way to get through it. “You gonna send it?”
“I don’t know. He’ll probably just rip it up.”
Kelli wasn’t going to sugar coat it. “That’s possible.”
Carina nodded. “It made me feel a little better, I suppose…to apologize.”
Confused, Kelli stared at her mother. “Apologize for what?”
Carina picked up a towel and wiped her hands once more. “I apologized for all of us. Me and your dad… We must have done something… Or maybe it’s something we didn’t do.”
Kelli needed to tread lightly, to keep her own emotions in check. “Mom, we’ve been down this road before. This was a good home. You didn’t beat us. You didn’t neglect us. You were there when we needed you. Hell, you were there when we didn’t. When Dad was around and Antony got into a bad crowd, bad situations, we helped him through it. Just like we were supposed to…no harm, no foul. But after he died, Antony went off the rails… We all did. He just didn’t come back, no matter how hard we tried.”
Carina shook her head. “Maybe his experience was different. A few months back, I tried to talk to him about it, but he wouldn’t… You were the favorite. Maybe he couldn’t deal with that—”
Kelli bristled. “That’s bullshit. If I did something wrong, I got punished just like he did… So did Sean. It never felt like anyone was playing favorites to me.”
Her mother continued on as if she hadn’t heard a word. “When you got your badge, you started treating him like a criminal. I know that much. Sean just followed in your footsteps, and since you’ve both been lying to me about Antony all this time, I don’t know what the hell you’ve been doing to him behind my back.”
Kelli’s defenses shot upward, but not fast enough. Hurt and anger settled in the pit of her stomach as if they’d been waiting to take up residence. She’d known the whole Antony thing was going to blow up in her face, and it just went boom. “Are you…are you kidding me? He is my brother! You taught me to never turn my back on family. Do you know how many times I looked the other way when I knew he was up to no good? I never gave up on him, even when I had nothing left to give him. I couldn’t… I can’t!”
Carina looked stunned. She should be. Kelli couldn’t believe this shit.
Kelli felt warmth at her back. She ignored it. When Nora’s hand slid over her bicep, she yanked her arm away. Her wounds were raw, deep, and created long before she’d met Nora; Kelli got used to dealing with them alone. She turned toward Nora. After an initial flash of hurt, her eyes held comfort. Kelli wanted to lose herself in them.
Nora touched her cheek, and Kelli realized she was crying. “Nora, I—” Overwhelmed by her mother’s words, Kelli couldn’t breathe.
“Kelli, I’m—” Carina started to say.
Right now, her mother’s voice was the last thing she wanted to hear. Kelli had to escape, even if it was only for a minute. Anything else she said in this state of mind would only make things worse. Kelli turned away and stormed toward the kitchen door. She pushed it open and it banged against the wall on the other side.
A few seconds later, she entered her childhood bedroom. Kelli sat down on the edge of the bed. She hunched over and hid her face in her hands. Her mother was upset, scared shitless. Kelli understood that, but after everything Kelli had done and everything she’d tried, Kelli was somehow to blame for this? Her own guilt was a big-ass load to carry, even if it was mostl
y misplaced. She couldn’t fix everything. It had been a hard lesson to learn, but that never kept her from trying. This was the role she had been given. It was the role she had accepted.
The weight of it had never been heavier.
The only time she felt lighter was with Nora, and coincidentally that was the only place she could be just Kelli. Instead of going toward that comfort a few minutes ago, she’d pulled away from it. Kelli had to go back in there and apologize to Nora, and no matter how much her mother’s words stung, she wasn’t going to abandon her. She had to suck all this shit up and deal with it later. She didn’t have time to wallow and dance at her own pity party. Time to go.
As she neared the kitchen, Kelli heard voices. They weren’t raised, but they were far from quiet. Instead of charging in, something made her stop and listen.
“I may be overstepping some boundaries saying anything about this,” Nora said.
“You’re right. You are.” Carina sounded agitated.
“She’s your daughter. I know you know her, but so do I. Maybe I see sides of her that you’re not privy to. I’ve been with her through most of this…situation with Antony, and even when I was going through my own crisis, Kelli was there for me. She’s the most selfless person I’ve ever met. She takes on so much, and the guilt that’s left behind… I’ve seen it almost consume her. She deserves to get something in return, and I try my hardest to make sure she does. Maybe…you should too.”
Everything went quiet enough for Kelli to hear her own heartbeat. Something gripped her chest and squeezed the breath from her, but it left an intense warmth behind.
“You…really care about her,” Carina said. Her voice was thick with emotion.
“Yes, I do,” Nora said softly.
Kelli’s legs began to move, catapulting her forward. Suddenly, she understood why she felt safe with Nora. She understood why she let her in. She understood why she could never get enough of her, but when did she fall in love? The logistics didn’t matter right now.
When she entered, Nora’s back was to her, but Kelli caught her mother’s eye. The apology was clear on her face. Kelli glanced away. Everything she was feeling was sitting right there on the surface, but it wasn’t for her mother to see. Nora turned then, and without hesitation, she walked toward Kelli.
Crossing Lines Page 20