Finding Joy (The Joy Series)

by Jenni Moen

  FINDING JOY

  JENNI MOEN

  COPYRIGHT© 2013 JENNI MOEN

  All rights reserved.

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  Cover Design by Jenni Moen and Beth Windel

  Hands: iStock photo © iconogenic

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems, without the express written permission of the author. The only exception is by a reviewer who may quote short excerpts for review purposes only.

  This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

  The author acknowledges the trademarked status and trademark owners of various artists, products, places, and works referenced in this work of fiction, which have been used without permission. The publication/use of these trademarks is not authorized, associated with, or sponsored by the trademark owner.

  OTHER BOOKS

  BY JENNI MOEN:

  Remembering Joy

  Finding Joy is not a standalone. It is the second in a series of two books and picks up immediately where the first book left off. If you haven’t read Remembering Joy, please stop and read it first.. Before you can get to Adam and Allie’s perfect ending, you must start with their less than perfect beginning.

  “The things two people do to each other they remember.

  If they stay together, it’s not because they forget;

  it’s because they forgive.”

  - Indecent Proposal (1993)

  PROLOGUE

  Forgive and forget.

  Easier said than done.

  And what if you don’t want to forget? What if you can’t?

  Because forgetting the bad stuff might mean forgetting all the good that came before it.

  That was the conundrum that I’d gotten myself into.

  I loved Allie. No question. She’d walked into my life, turned it upside down, ripped my insides out, and then ... by some miracle that I still didn’t understand ... put me back together again. I was like fucking humpty dumpty.

  The love of a woman is a powerful thing. It’s healing, and I’d needed some healing. I hadn’t even realized how much until she’d worked her magic on me.

  The problem was that she needed healing, too. Only two months had passed since she’d learned the truth about Joy. And let’s face it: the truth had been a hard pill to swallow. How does one come to terms with taking another life? What if that life was a tiny one that had just barely begun? And what do you do when you fall in love with someone who valued that little life more than their own?

  If you’re Allie, you bury it. I didn’t blame her though. That’s what people like us do. We could bury our shit so deep, no one could ever find it.

  Hell, Allie had buried hers so deep that it had been lost for more than a decade. I was sure that it would still be hidden if I hadn’t come along.

  Unfortunately, things can’t stay buried forever, and I could feel the storm brewing. Everything we’d been avoiding was going to come to a head. It would happen soon, and I had a feeling it was going to be a real shit storm. But, it was my mission to make sure that Allie made it through the storm.

  No. It was my mission that we make it through together.

  -Adam

  PART I

  CHAPTER 1

  Adam

  I should’ve been studying the textbook in my lap, but I was studying her instead.

  She sat sideways in the chair, her lean legs kicked up over the arm. The file on her lap was full of documents that needed review. However, they would have to wait because it was the e-reader propped on top of the file that was getting all of her attention.

  She pushed her glasses further up the bridge of her nose and swiped her way to the next page. A faint smile played across her full lips, and I wondered what she was reading. With Allie you never knew. Her tastes varied with her moods. She could be reading a classic. Or she could be reading a trashy romance novel. Each was equally likely. The smirk on her face and gleam in her eye led me to believe that today was a day for smut. I couldn’t understand why she would want to read that shit. If she wanted smut, I could give her smut. All she had to do was ask. Or maybe just look at me. The corner of her mouth twitched up as if she was fighting a smile, and my mind returned from the gutter.

  I loved her like this … still in the pajamas that she’d slept in. A drizzle of syrup stained the front of her tank top. Her usually sleek blonde hair was pulled back in a messy ponytail that emphasized her makeup-free face. In the past month, we’d had lots of quiet mornings just like this … me pretending to study … her lost in a world of make-believe.

  This was the reason that I moved in with her. That and the fact that I couldn’t live without her.

  Alexis

  I could feel his eyes on me. He thought he was so sneaky, peering at me over his book. But I knew he wasn’t studying. He was worrying, and he was trying to do enough of it for the both of us.

  I was tired of running from the past. My head wasn’t stuck in the sand any more. Sure, we had some issues to deal with, but Adam was my future. For the first time in years, I felt optimistic. We needed to face our problems head on and, possibly, at a dead run.

  Today seemed like as good a day as any to get started.

  “I made us an appointment with a realtor.”

  Adam’s eyes snapped to mine. “Allie,” he groaned. “We’ve talked about this. We don’t need any more change.” He said it definitively, like the conversation was over before it had begun.

  I wasn’t one to be easily deterred. As an attorney, I was trained to argue. “But that’s just it. We do, Adam. We need change. We need to keep moving forward. This place isn’t big enough for us, and your place is out of the question. Besides, at the very least, we need to put yours on the market. And if we are leaving the city, we need to sell them both.”

  “We aren’t leaving Manhattan. Your job is here,” he said, leaning forward and tossing his book onto the coffee table. It landed with a loud thud, and Rubber Cat jumped near Adam’s feet. My beloved cat directed an annoyed glare in Adam’s general direction.

  “That is not a foregone conclusion. I can do what I do anywhere. You can’t. When we met, you had plans of your own. You said you were going to move to California after you graduate. That’s only two months from now. We need to get a move on.”

  “There is plenty for me to do here. And your office is here. Hell, your name is on the door. You can’t just walk away from it all. And you know he won’t let you anyway.” He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose, as if the mere mention of my father had given him a headache.

  Adam’s heart was in the right place, but he was starting to piss me off a little. I wasn’t the fragile creature that he took me for. He thought that the least little change was going to break me. That any disturbance to the peaceful life he was trying to create for us would push me over the edge. He was wrong. I’d been through hell and back in the past few months. I knew now I could make it through anything. I was finished letting everyone else decide what was best for me.

  However, I wasn’t looking for a fight this morning. I buried my anger and changed my tactics. I swung my feet down onto the floor and pulled myself out of the chair. I walked over to Adam and sat down on his lap. My hands snaked around his neck and found their way into his hair, and I nuzzled my face into his t-shirt. I loved every last one of his t-shirts, and I could get lost in their scent. I could … if I didn’t need to keep my focus and get some business don
e.

  “That’s not my name on the door, and you know it. It would be good for me to walk away from it all. I need to prove that I can make it on my own … that I don’t need him to protect me anymore. I have you now. You’re the only protector I need.”

  He melted under me. “Well, at least you’re speaking my language now,” he said, running his hand up and down my back. “When are we meeting with this realtor?”

  “Today at one,” I said quietly, and then waited for his reaction.

  The back rub stopped. “Geez, Allie. You could have given me a little warning.”

  “I thought the sneak attack might be better,” I said into his shirt. “He’s just showing us two places. It will only take a couple of hours, and then we can spend the rest of the day doing whatever you want.”

  “Wait. I’m so confused,” he said. “Are we putting one or two apartments up for sale? Or are we looking for a new one? I thought you just said we should move to California?”

  “I think we should definitely talk about California. I really think it might be the best thing for us. A new start. But if we stay here, we need something bigger. Besides, looking will be fun.”

  “Yeah, right,” he said reluctantly. “Fun. I swear you women shop just to shop. You will shop for anything. Because it’s fun,” he said mockingly, shaking his head. But the back rub started up again so I knew he wasn’t upset with me. Not yet anyway.

  “There’s one more thing,” I started, but then paused, because there was a high probability that this was going to get ugly.

  “Yeah?” he asked. Rub. Rub.

  “The realtor. Uh, it’s Ethan’s friend, Jay.” The rubbing stopped again as Adam stood up, ejecting me from my comfortable seat. My feet hit the floor, and I caught myself just before I landed in a heap next to Rubber Cat. The cat, whose reflexes were better than mine, had jumped out of the way, but moved back in to come to my rescue.

  “Are you kidding me?” Adam said incredulously as the cat hissed at him. His eyes were ablaze now, dark and menacing. Though I hadn’t see it in a while, I knew the look well. “The douche you dated while we were apart?” His raised voice incited my protector cat, who went on the offensive and bit him on the calf.

  “Damn it!” he said, rubbing his leg. He scooped up the cat and thrust him at me. “Can I please get a break here?”

  I laughed even though Adam wasn’t able to appreciate the humor in the situation. I couldn’t help myself though. I had the best cat. Ever. “Bad kitty,” I cooed while scratching his head.

  I looked at my now very jealous boyfriend and sat the cat on the chair that I’d just been so rudely tossed out of. “I didn’t date him. He agreed to go with me to one party. It was more of a favor than anything else. Besides, I think he might be gay.”

  Adam barked out a laugh. “He’s not gay. I saw the way he looked at you in that dress. A gay man would not have looked at you like he wanted to eat you.” He shook his head vehemently. “And now I have to spend the whole afternoon with him. Shopping. For an apartment we don’t even need because this one is just fine. And it will take every ounce of self-control I have not to smash his pretty face in when he looks at you like you are a bucket of KFC.”

  I couldn’t control myself any longer. I burst into a fit of giggles and wiped at the corners of my eyes. “A bucket of KFC? No one has ever compared me to a bucket of chicken. Is that supposed to be a compliment? Am I a leg or a thigh?”

  “Yes, a bucket of KFC. He clearly likes his food fried. Chicken on the bone is probably his favorite food. You, my love, are original, spicy, and delicious, and I’m betting he’s a breast man.”

  “Not everyone has your metabolism or discipline,” I said, snorting. “And it might not be the chicken. It might be the beer. He does hang out with Ethan.”

  “Whatever. Are you serious? We are spending the afternoon looking at apartments with ungay Jay?”

  “Yes,” I said, with less enthusiasm than before. “And, please, be nice, Adam. Last time he saw you, I’m pretty sure he thought you were going to pound his face into the pavement. He doesn’t really do this side of the real estate thing any more. He’s only doing it as a favor to me.”

  “Fine. If it’s what you want, I’ll go look at apartments. With Jay. But I don’t like him doing favors for you.”

  “Good,” I said, clapping my hands together. “And you’ll be nice?”

  “I’ll be nice,” he said winking at me. “But I have big plans for you later. Big plans. Did you mean it? We can really spend the rest of the day doing whatever I want?”

  “Anything,” I said resolutely. “So what do you have in mind?”

  “No way. It’s a surprise,” he said, turning toward the bedroom.

  “Where are you going?” I asked.

  “To get my shoes. I need to go for a run before we meet your ex-boyfriend.”

  “He was never my boyfriend,” I sang to his retreating back. “Love you!”

  “Sure you do,” he said as he disappeared into our bedroom.

  But, of course, I really did, and I had no doubt that he knew it, too.

  _________________________

  “So how were the apartments? Will either of them work?” Carly asked. She nodded her head as if to answer her own question, and her chestnut hair bobbed in excitement. That was Carly. She was a bundle of enthusiasm, wrapped in a pretty, petite package.

  “I don’t know,” I said quietly, glancing at the other end of the table where Adam was sitting with Carly’s lesser half. His head was cocked toward Burke, but that didn’t necessarily mean that he wasn’t tuned in to what was being said down here.

  Over the past six months, Carly had quickly become my best girl friend. If I was being honest, she was probably my only real girl friend. I’d had plenty of casual friends in college and law school and even had a few at the office, but, aside from Ethan and Adam, I hadn’t let anyone get close to me since high school. When every one of your friends abandons you – when every one you’ve ever loved and relied upon walks away in a mass exodus ― leaving you all alone to deal with a broken body and a broken spirit, it’s pretty easy to give up on people in general. And that’s exactly what I had done.

  Until Ethan. And then Adam. And now Carly. And it all worked out nicely since Carly had been dating Adam’s best friend for a tumultuous eternity.

  Ethan had charmed his way into my heart during undergrad. I’d let him in because he was persistent and seemed harmless enough … and also because a person can only stand being so lonely. Everyone needs at least one friend. The fact that Ethan was also really easy on the eyes might have gotten him a few brownie points as well. He might have had something else in mind in the beginning, but when all advances had been consistently rebuffed, he had settled on a platonic friendship. Mostly.

  “I think one of them was perfect, but we haven’t really talked about it yet. And first we need to decide if we are going to stay here.”

  She put up her hand in the universal language for ‘stop.’ “I can’t talk about that. Tell me about the apartment. Did it have two bedrooms? Would you have room for an office?” she whispered, picking up on my desire to keep this conversation just between us.

  Again, I looked nervously toward Adam at the other end of the table.

  We were having dinner at a greasy spoon that was a late-night favorite of the boys. It was part one of ‘doing whatever Adam wanted’ in exchange for apartment hunting. This unhealthy choice in dining indicated that he was throwing caution to the wind tonight, and his reckless attitude had me a little fearful of what part two of the night might entail.

  Our appearance at the diner tonight was much earlier than normal, and the clientele was different than whom we were used to seeing. At 3 a.m., it attracted loud, slurring club-goers in dire need of a sobering grease fix before calling it a night. Seven hours before that, the crowd was an eclectic mix of older couples and families.

  Burke still had most of his attention though his eyes kept wandering o
ver to the table next to us where a family of four sat. A preschooler had ketchup smeared across her face and, in what appeared to be a ploy for her parents’ attention, was shouting the alphabet at the top of her lungs. Her crying baby brother was throwing bits of french fries on the floor. The mother wore a harried expression as she fluttered back and forth between the two. All the while, the father paid no attention to any of them and instead looked longingly at our table. Even though we outnumbered them two to one, their table was louder.

  “Yeah,” I finally answered Carly. “It had two bedrooms, and there was an extra area off the living room that would be perfect for a desk.”

  This time when I looked at Adam, his velvety chocolate eyes were on me. One eyebrow was cocked up at me in question. He held my gaze for what felt like an eternity before he finally started to chew again.

  “Or a foosball table,” he said, swallowing. “If we’re not going to use the second bedroom as an office, what do we need it for?” His eyes darkened and pressed at me, urging me to answer the question. I felt the pull to answer honestly. We had agreed, ‘No more lies.’ ‘No more secrets.’ ‘Honesty above all else.’ However, now wasn’t the time or the place for brutal truth.

  The unhappy baby next to us chose that unfortunate moment to scream at the top of his lungs. His bellowing cry rang out across the restaurant and distracted Adam. “Damn babies,” he said, shaking his head while staring at the screaming child like it might be possessed.

  I looked down at the burger on my plate and suddenly felt sick. I didn’t know if the sobbing child was a distraction or a cry of truth. After all, I had plans for that second bedroom, and a baby was exactly what I wanted to put in it. I was just having trouble finding a way to tell Adam. The reason it was difficult for me was no mystery. He’d made it perfectly clear that he didn’t want children … by me or anyone else. However, I knew in my heart that he would be a great father. He’d already had the best training you could get and that was the crux of the problem.