Finding Joy (The Joy Series)

by Jenni Moen

Tony snorted in her direction. “You like it, don’t you, Alexis?”

  “I do,” I said. “I’ve watched it a few times with Adam. It’s violent, but smart. I didn’t realize that was what Adam had in mind for our date on my hooky day, but it was good. The only way it would have been better was if he’d also gotten me into the audience of that talk show I like so much. You know, the one with the skinny blonde who used to be on one of the soaps.”

  “Is she with an old football player?” Jacqueline asked.

  “Yeah, that one. I love her. She’s so funny, and she’s built like a brick shit house. I’d kill for her arms.”

  “You could have arms like that. Easily,” Adam said.

  A high-pitched wail trailed down the stairs. “Well, I guess we knew that was coming,” Jacqueline said, smiling meekly. “Sorry, guys but this is where I have to bow out for the evening.” She stood up and carried Tony’s plate to the sink.

  “We understand,” I said. “Go take care of that sweet baby boy. And, seriously, Jacqueline, if you and Tony ever want to get out for an evening, give us a call. We’d be happy to watch the kids.” Adam’s head snapped up at my words, and I could practically read the distress on his face.

  His expression took the wind out of my sails. All night, Jacqueline had made it look so easy. After the high maintenance kid in the restaurant the day before, I had needed reassurance that I could actually do this. Before I pleaded my case to Adam, I needed to know.

  Jacqueline had given me the reassurance I needed. If she could handle five, surely I could handle one. A little piece of me had hoped that it would have the same effect on Adam. His reaction to the prospect of babysitting was a sure sign that it had not.

  “Well, thanks for coming. It was nice meeting you both,” Jacqueline said, as she headed toward the stairs and the still screaming baby.

  “Let’s do this again real soon,” she practically begged.

  “I’d love for you guys to stay, but I’ve got to be honest. It’s not going to get any better. Not until some time after midnight. That kid is in a time zone of his own.”

  “You know, we need to be heading out anyway,” Adam said stiffly.

  Tony walked us toward the door. “You guys come back. I know Jackie loved talking with you, Alexis. She misses going to work and talking to smart people.”

  “It was great,” I said. “We’ll come back soon.” The look on Adam’s face told me that I might be coming alone.

  Tony’s eyes danced toward the top of the stairs, and he shifted uneasily on his feet. “Wait a month or so. We’ll give you a call after we do the exorcism.”

  We said our good-byes, and Tony shut the door behind us just as another round of blood-pressure-raising screams rang out from the floor above. As I followed Adam down the front steps to the car, I could just barely make out the words muttered under his breath.

  “Damn babies,” he had said.

  He drove us home with one hand on the wheel and the other on my leg. My heart was heavy, but every now and then he squeezed my leg and threw me a sideways glance. About midway through the Queens Midtown Tunnel, shrouded in darkness, he finally spoke. “Methinks the lady hides something.”

  A knot formed in my stomach even as I shook my head that he was wrong. “I’m not hiding anything.”

  “You know, sometimes all you need is 20 seconds of insane courage. Just literally 20 seconds of just embarrassing bravery,” he said.

  “That sounds vaguely familiar.”

  “We Bought a Zoo.”

  Ahhh. So we were going to play that game again. “Really? We Bought a Zoo?”

  “I’m a big Matt Damon fan,” he said, shrugging unapologetically.

  I laughed. “Matt Damon? Or Scarlett Johansson?”

  “She doesn’t suck either.”

  I rolled my eyes at him. “Okay … we’re women. We don’t say what we want, but we reserve the right to be pissed off if we don’t get it.”

  He didn’t even hesitate. “Sliding Doors?”

  When I nodded in response, he continued. “I’d rather fight with you than make love with anyone else.”

  Well, there was a movie quote I would have never expected from Adam. While I’d watched Wedding Date more times than I could count, I had a hard time imagining Adam watching it even once. As if reading my mind, he shrugged.

  I wracked my brain to come up with a comeback. I didn’t want to fight with him. Finally, I came up with the perfect line. “I’m fighting for something that’s real for the first time in my life!” I finally said.

  He cocked an eyebrow at me. “All right. You got me with that one.”

  “Step Up,” I said.

  He rolled his eyes. “Yeah, I would’ve never gotten that one. If I had, you’d have to take my man card.” He drummed his fingers on the steering wheel in thought. “Don’t let anyone ever make you feel like you don’t deserve what you want,” he said.

  I thought for a moment. “Okay, now you’ve got me.”

  “10 Things I Hate About You.”

  “Seriously? I think you do owe me your man card after all.” I squeezed his hand before continuing, “You can’t change who you love. You’re not supposed to.”

  I was cheating. The actual quote was ‘You can’t help who you love ...’ I was pretty sure that it meant that love picks you, leaving you with no choice and no resistance over who you fall for. I had changed the words and was using it out of context. I didn’t think he’d know the difference, but hoped he got my message. I didn’t want to change him.

  “You got me again,” he said, smirking at me. “I’m terrible tonight.”

  “Save the Last Dance.”

  He rolled his eyes again. “You can give me my man card back now.”

  He sat quietly for a few seconds, deep in thought. “Last one … I have nothing to offer you, but I’m involved now. You jump, I jump, remember?”

  I crossed my hands over my heart. “Awwww, I love that one,” I said, before flipping another Titanic quote at him. “He saved me. In every way a person can be saved.”

  He grinned at me and reached over for my hand. Interlacing his fingers with mine, he brought my hand to his lips. “You saved me, too, Allie Cat. You saved me, too. More than you’ll ever know.”

  I knew then. This wasn’t a fight I was willing to fight. It wasn’t worth it. Not even if it would be my only chance at a baby. Because it didn’t matter if it was the perfect solution for me it wasn’t the perfect solution for him. I wouldn’t ask him to do something he didn’t want to do.

  We were a team.

  Part II

  CHAPTER 13

  Alexis

  I woke on Saturday with a renewed sense of purpose.

  I’d really let my work slip since Adam had moved in with me. Eating dinner at your desk wasn’t at all appealing when you had a hot man cooking for you at home. Curling up on the couch with Adam was definitely preferable to spending the evening in my office with a box of takeout and a stack of deposition transcripts.

  Whereas I used to spend every weekend at the office, I almost never went in now. Even when I brought work home with me, I rarely pulled it out of my bag.

  A throat cleared as I topped off the coffee in my travel mug “Where are you headed so early?”

  I swung my head around to find Adam framed in the doorway. He stretched his arms up over his head on a yawn and grabbed the top of the door frame. Leaning backward slightly to stretch his back, the taut muscles across his stomach popped to life.

  Lucky girl. Lucky, lucky girl.

  “I’m going to go into the office for a few hours this morning. I won’t be too long,” I said, not taking my eyes off his stomach.

  He let go of the doorway, only to continue his stretching routine. His abs danced in front of my eyes, causing me to forget why I was leaving in the first place. “All right. Don’t be too long, okay? I want you later.”

  “You don’t want me now?”

  He wandered over, his eyes roaming hungrily
over me in a way that made me wonder if I had forgotten to put on clothes. Only he grabbed a coffee cup instead of me. “Oh, I do. But since you’re already ready to walk out the door, I’ll let you off the hook this time.”

  I looked down at my law school sweatshirt and black yoga pants, thinking they could come off and be back on pretty easily. “Thanks,” I said, not entirely thankful.

  “I’ll swing by your office at noon,” he said. “I have plans for us.”

  “Another ‘Adam Day’?”

  “Something like that,” he said slyly.

  Adam

  The look on Allie’s face last night had torn me up. I’d watched her eye that baby like she wanted it for her own. With a longing I’d never be able to match. Far from it.

  I wasn’t blind to what was going on. She and Lizzie had been scheming and planning behind my back for more than two months. The very thought of it had fucked with my head all night, and I’d tossed and turned trying to figure it all out.

  Allie? Next to me, she’d slept like a baby herself.

  This shit had gone on long enough. So faced with a decision that I couldn’t handle by myself, I did what any man on the verge of a life decision would do.

  I called my mom.

  My mom had served up a shitload of grief during my life, but she was still my mom. Even though I couldn’t talk to her about my actual problem, just hearing her voice and knowing that she was okay made me feel better. I need a reminder that everything was still in order.

  I still hadn’t told her about Allie and me. I wasn’t proud of that fact, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it over the phone. It wasn’t that I was scared.

  I was petrified.

  I had devoted years of my life … decades, in fact … to getting and keeping my mother clean. After more than 11 times around the revolving door that is rehab, we had finally achieved success. The last five years had been a good run. I would’ve never been able to move halfway across the country if she had still been teetering on the edge of self-destruction.

  Still, I worried about her. Even from New York, I kept an eye on her. I talked to her every week and had an in back at home. If she slipped, I’d hear about it. A three-hour plane ride was all that stood between us.

  Whether it was due to guilt or self preservation or both, Allie never asked about my mom. She didn’t ask if I talked to her. She didn’t ask if I’d told her about us. I was grateful for that. I suspected that she knew that I was chicken shit on the issue, but she didn’t press me.

  Now we had a trip to Dallas planned in five days, and it was time to face the music.

  Dread. That was the only way to describe my feelings about this trip. First, there would be her parents to deal with. Her asshole of a father and her doormat of a mother.

  Even though they had invited ‘us’ for Thanksgiving dinner, I knew better. They didn’t want me there. They wanted their baby girl. They wanted her home just like every other Thanksgiving for the past 28 years. I couldn’t blame them. But I didn’t trust them.

  Maybe they would try to pretend that this Thanksgiving was no different than every one before. But it was. Allie was still angry with them. Even after talking to Brittany, she was still pissed. At some point, there would be a showdown between her and her old man.

  Having me there as her wingman was not going to help the situation. It would only make it worse. I was the thorn in her father’s side. I was the problem that wouldn’t go away. But how he felt about me couldn’t rival how I felt about him, and I didn’t know how long I would be able to control my tongue in his presence. Probably not very long.

  I also suspected that he had an ulterior motive. If the venom that he’d spit at me the two times our paths had crossed was any indication of his true feelings for me, this Thanksgiving meal would not go well. There would be turkey, dressing, accusations, and blood shed. And after that carnage, I’d have to go see my mom. I couldn’t fucking wait.

  I wouldn’t take Allie. I couldn’t do that to either one of them.

  She won’t forgive me, Adam. She shouldn’t. We can’t get past this, and even if we could, the people that we love can’t.

  I suspected that Allie was right. In fact, I couldn’t even ask my mom to forgive her. I could only ask her to accept the choices I’d made. They might never be able to be in the same room with each other, but they deserved to know about each other.

  If I have to choose, I’ll choose you. I can live without them, but I can’t live without you.

  I had meant it when I’d said it. I hoped it wouldn’t come down to it, but I’d choose Allie if it did. I had been putting my mom first my whole life, and it was time to pick me.

  “Hey, love,” my mom answered.

  “Hi, Mom. How are things?”

  “I’m good, baby. I’m so good.”

  And with those simple words, I could relax. Even though I expected that to be her answer, I would always be nervous. For such a long time, things had not been good.

  We talked for 30 minutes. A record for me because talking on the phone really wasn’t my thing. But, with my mom, it was a necessity.

  Her job was good. We talked for a long time about a new movie she had recently seen. She loved movies as much as I did. It was one of the few common threads that bound us.

  She was dating someone new. ‘Actually, he’s someone old,’ she told me without elaborating. I wasn’t sure if that meant that he was old or if she’d known him for a while. I suspected the latter.

  I was happy for her, but I didn’t have much to say on the subject. My dad and I were not particularly close. Never had been. It was hard to be close when he’d left me to fend for myself for so many years. But, even so, I had a certain amount of respect for the man.

  Neither one of them had ever talked to me about why they had split. I’d been 20, and Joy had been gone for all of three months. My mom had fallen into a black hole of alcohol and drugs, and, in the midst of that, my dad had bolted. In fact, after Joy had died, he had never really engaged at all. It had almost been like there had been two ghosts in the house.

  At the time, I hadn’t been able to comprehend it. How he could just detach himself from us when we needed him most.

  While I had been nursing my mom in and out of rehab, I’d hated him for it. Now, I’d wised up a bit and began to wonder why he’d left us. He wasn’t an unreasonable man. So I wondered what had happened that had allowed him … or caused him … to walk away.

  “I’m seeing someone new, too, Mom,” I said. “She’s from Dallas. That’s why I’m calling. We are coming to Dallas on Friday.” We would actually be in town on Thursday, but I didn’t want to tell her that. I didn’t want her to know that I would be in Dallas on Thanksgiving Day and that I was choosing to spend the holiday with someone other than her. She wouldn’t understand. And when she found out who I was spending the holiday with, she certainly wouldn’t understand.

  “Oh, Adam, that’s great,” she said. “I worry about you, you know. Hanging out in that big city. It’s impossible to meet someone under those conditions.”

  “Yeah, but I have met someone, Mom. I wish you could meet her, but I think she’s going to be pretty tied up with her family. They have a lot of stuff going on for the holiday,” I lied.

  “Well, will I get to see you?” she asked.

  “Of course. I’ll come by on Friday afternoon. I’ll tell you all about her then, okay?”

  “Sure, baby,” she said contentedly. Since she hadn’t planned on seeing me for the holiday, I’d just delivered the best news of her week. And the worst. She just didn’t know it yet.

  “I’ll see you in six days,” she said, when we hung up a few minutes later. Six days. I only had six days to figure out how to tell her about Allie.

  That gave me five to put off thinking about it.

  As soon as I was off the phone with my mom, I called my friend Jake from school to call in a favor.

  “Are you guys still open?”

  “Yes, for th
e rest of the month,” he answered.

  “Cool. I need a boat for this afternoon.”

  “Not a problem,” he said. “Today’s warmer than it has been so we might be busy, but I’ll hold one for you.”

  I hung up relieved. Not because Jake was holding a boat for me, but because today was the day. Today, Allie and I were going to figure this shit out.

  With my phone still in my hand, I texted her.

  ADAM: Still good for noon?

  ALEXIS: Shit is blowing up here. FML. How about 1:30?

  ADAM: Deal. FML?

  When she didn’t immediately respond, I hypothesized as to what she might mean.

  ADAM: Fuck me later? Yeah okay.

  ADAM: Feel my labia? I’m all in.

  ADAM: Fuck me lazy? I can do that.

  ADAM: Fondle my lizard? Please.

  ADAM: Freak me long time? The longer the better.

  ADAM: Force me tantric? I’ll try anything once.

  ADAM: Finger me lover? Something about that’s not right..

  ADAM: Free my loins? Back in the game.

  ADAM: Flick my lollipop. Now you’re talking.

  ALEXIS: You are a crazy man. It’s actually Fuck My Life. But I like your ideas better.

  ADAM: I need a minute.

  _________________________

  We walked through Central Park hand in hand. Before Allie, I hadn’t been much of a hand holder. It wasn’t my thing. Allie had changed that. She’d changed a lot of things.

  Now, I had this crazy need to touch her all the time. An arm around her shoulders. My leg brushing hers. Her hand in mine. I needed to feel her … to know that she was with me … and maybe to let the world know that she was mine, too.