by Susan Wiggs
He still hadn’t said anything, and she still couldn’t make herself shut up. “I can’t stop thinking about you. When I went away to Germany, I expected to get over you. To get over everything. Instead, I ended up missing you so much it hurt. Seriously, it hurt like I’d been stabbed or something. And when I got back, I loved you just as much—no, more. It doesn’t make any sense. It doesn’t seem right, but—”
He strode forward with a look on his face she’d never seen before. It was as intense as rage but different. She still hadn’t figured it out when he caught her against him, stopping her with a kiss. A long, searching kiss that was tender but commanding, all-consuming, leaving her breathless. His lips were softer than she remembered, his taste sweeter. They had kissed before, but there was something different going on here, a peculiar emotion that grabbed at her heart with a special intensity. She curled her fists into his arms, feeling the rock-hard muscles shaped by relentless and rigorous training. He tasted like something wild, like raw honey, maybe, and in that moment she was so caught up that her ears rang.
A breakup wasn’t supposed to start with a kiss.
Although technically, she wasn’t breaking up with him, because she’d never been…with him.
Finally he pulled back, but only far enough away to say, “I love you, too, Daze. I always have. I’m sorry I didn’t say it first.”
She felt dizzy, as if she were still flying. “I’m not sorry.” She sank against his chest, feeling exhausted, as if she’d run a mile. It was one of those flawless days on Willow Lake, the water perfectly still down to its mysterious depths, and the wind so quiet, she could hear both their hearts beating. Being here with him made her feel safe and protected, as if no harm could ever come to her.
They kissed some more, their mouths lazing and lingering like wordless promises. Daisy was filled with a soaring sense of liberation at having spoken her truth—and the stunning joy of knowing he returned her love. She wished the moment could last forever, but slowly, inevitably, he pulled back. Placing a tender kiss on her forehead, he whispered, “What time are you supposed to pick up Charlie?”
Charlie. Her beloved reality. “Logan’s flexible,” she said. “Why do you ask?”
“I’m not ready to share you yet,” he said, “not even with my favorite rug rat.”
Her thoughts flickered to the conversation she was supposed to be having with him. “Then I’m all yours for a while longer.”
“Good.” He took an insulated green bag out of the cargo bay. “I brought lunch.”
“Julian!”
He laughed. “I know, right? Romance at its finest.”
“Did you, like, look this up online, under ‘how to organize the perfect date?’”
“What, you don’t think I could’ve thought of this on my own?”
“The plane, yes. But a picnic?”
“Okay. I had help with that.”
“Help?”
“I kind of became a favorite of the dining hall ladies. They like guys who eat a lot.”
“Then they must be totally in love with you. I’ve seen you eat, Julian. It’s…epic.”
He set the bag in a skiff that was moored to the dock. Then he took her hand and helped her in.
“I assume you have permission to use the boat.”
“Ma’am, I’m an officer in the United States Air Force. Stealing is no longer an option.”
“You planned this.”
“Yeah. Didn’t want to leave anything to chance today.”
There was a feeling she always had around him, something she’d never found with any other person. It was a sense of complete and utter joy, mingled with freedom. There were many people she loved in her life, but no one she loved like this. A part of her wanted to explain it to him, to share that, but not now. One day, maybe.
The trouble with her and Julian was that “one day” for them was hard to pin down. Impossible, really. That was the conversation they needed to have. She didn’t want to say it and spoil this perfect day.
She shook off the thought and settled in the bow of the boat, facing backward. She didn’t know where they were headed. Didn’t really care. Bracing her arms behind her, she tipped back her head and shut her eyes to enjoy the soft warmth of the sun on her face.
“I feel like Cleopatra.”
“Yeah? That worries me. Romance didn’t really work out for her,” Julian pointed out.
“Did you say romance? Is that what you’re doing—romancing me?” Daisy sat up straight and watched him row. She was mesmerized by the powerful build of his shoulders, the easy extension of his muscles, reaching back and forth as he propelled the boat through the water.
“I’d like to think we’ve evolved since the days of Cleopatra. And I’d definitely like to think I don’t have her quirks.”
“Quirks?”
“Okay, her personality flaws.”
“You don’t have any flaws, Daisy.”
“Right.”
“Except maybe bad timing.”
She fell silent. Here was an opening, then. “Um, about that. My timing. Our timing. Julian, I meant what I said earlier. I love you. I always have, but I’m scared.”
“Of what?”
“Scared we’ll never get a chance to be together.”
His rhythmic strokes didn’t falter. “Never is a long time.”
“Just trying to be realistic.”
“Were you being realistic when you said you loved me?”
“I was being completely honest. I can’t help myself. Still, it doesn’t change the fact that you’re going far away—”
“That’s temporary.”
“How temporary?”
“I can’t say.”
“I can. When you’re done in Colombia, they’ll send you someplace else.”
“Active duty doesn’t have to mean continual deployment. Air force families move from posting to posting. The system works. It just takes some planning.”
“That’s easy to say, but I have to think about Charlie.” She hugged her knees to her chest. “My little boy is my whole world.”
“I understand that. I know how hard it’s been for you, raising him alone.”
“Do you?”
“My friend Sayers once told me air force training is a tea party compared to being a single mom. She was raised by a single mom.”
“It’s hard, but…in a different way.” She wondered if the direction of the conversation had ruined this magical day. Julian was clearly in a romantic mood, and bringing up the topic of her son by another man might put a damper on things. But they should be able to talk about Charlie and not feel like the entire day was ruined.
“Charlie’s great,” said Julian. “I’m in love with the kid. Always have been.”
The statement caught her off guard. “You love him?”
“Sure. What, you don’t believe me?”
“I want to. But it’s just…you seem to hold back, when it comes to Charlie.”
“Kids latch onto people, and they hurt when those people go away.”
“Are you talking about Charlie, or are you talking about yourself, when you were a kid?”
He didn’t contradict her. “I know what it feels like to have a broken family. Charlie should never have to feel that. So I don’t want to give him mixed signals. When I was little, growing up with my dad, I used to want a mama so bad, I’d fantasize about every woman my dad even looked at—a bus driver, a grocery checker, the crossing guard—if she said even two words to him, I was ready for him to pop the question. And I was disappointed every time. You have to understand how much it hurts a kid to want a traditional family. How much hope he hangs on the slightest encouragement. So maybe I’ve been too careful about Charlie, but that’s my take on it. I never wanted to make him a promise I couldn’t keep. That doesn’t mean I don’t love him.”
Unexpected tears stung her eyes. “You never told me you loved him.”
“Daisy. He’s your son. He’s never asked for anyt
hing except to be loved. How can I not love that?”
Her heart turned to mush; she loved hearing him talk this way.
“He can’t help it if his father’s a douche—”
“Julian.” She knew he was still thinking of the fight on the train platform, the night everything had fallen apart. The fight had not caused the problem. The fight had been the culmination of the problem. The mushy part was over, clearly.
“I’d never say that in front of the kid, but come on. And honestly, no matter what I think of Logan, I’d never let on to Charlie. And I’d never want to interfere with that relationship. I had a great dad. He wasn’t perfect, but I thought the world of him. So yeah, I get that Logan has to be part of Charlie’s life. A big part.”
“I’m glad you understand. There are a few things in my life that are completely certain,” she reminded Julian. “The most important is my son. Every choice I make is dictated by what’s best for Charlie.”
“I understand.”
“Another constant is Logan. He is Charlie’s dad, which means he’ll always be part of my life, no matter what.”
“Is he still in love with you?”
She could still hear Logan’s voice in her ears, loud and clear. I’ll always love you, Daisy. I’ll wait as long as it takes.
She ducked her head to hide her expression, but apparently she wasn’t quick enough.
“I see,” said Julian.
“I don’t think you do. I can’t tell you what Logan is thinking. Persistence is his middle name. I swear, I don’t encourage him. You know that. I want… God, Julian. I want this to be simple. Why is it so hard?”
The rowboat bumped against the mooring bulkhead at the tiny island. Julian pulled a rope around a cleat. Then he extended a hand and helped her to the dock.
He sat on the weathered wooden planks and drew her down beside him. “Have a seat. This might take a while.”
“It might?”
“I’ve got a lot to say to you.”
Something in his tone made her shiver despite the heat. “I’m listening.”
He steepled his fingers together and stared into the lake for a long moment. The still water was a mirror of dark glass. “It’s not hard. I’m not saying I hold all the answers. God knows, I didn’t have much to go on when I was a kid. My dad was all about intellect and process and the scientific method. My mom was focused on her acting career, her image, herself. I’ve spent the past few weeks wondering if I even have the emotional hardware for the kind of relationship I want with you.”
She was stunned speechless to hear him talking like this. Maybe her silence was a good thing, because he was being more honest with her than he’d ever been before.
“And I wondered why danger and risk feel good to me. Maybe it’s because whenever I took a risk and put myself in danger, people paid attention, sometimes just to yell at me. Even Connor—the sole reason we had a relationship at all was that he had to take charge of me when I got into trouble. But you, Daisy. You’re the first person who didn’t pay attention to me because I was doing something dangerous. You paid attention because…hell, I don’t know, but I know it felt different. Everything about you is different, the way you look and smell, the way you feel in my arms.”
They weren’t even touching, yet Daisy had never felt closer to anyone than she did to Julian at this moment. She didn’t dare move or speak because she sensed this was hard for him and didn’t want him to stop.
“I was seventeen years old the first time I met you,” he said, still staring into their reflection in the water, “and I wish I’d paid more attention then to the way you made me feel. Maybe I would’ve had the sense to find a way to stay close to you, after we parted ways that summer, instead of watching you head off to a bad situation. When I found out you were pregnant, I thought it was a sign that you’d taken another path. A path that didn’t include me. And all through college, I guess I felt like I had to prove myself to you. You know, the beautiful rich girl. And any way you cut it, I’m from the wrong side of the tracks. It’s ridiculous to think about me and a Bellamy, for Chrissake. I didn’t see how you and I would ever connect. We come from totally different worlds.”
She held her breath. Was he saying they were incompatible, that love wasn’t enough? “Julian—”
“Hang on, I’m getting to the point. Where we come from doesn’t have to matter. I’m not going to worry about what other people will say, the color of our skin and what our kids might look like. What matters is…it’s us. Our hopes and dreams and what we want our lives to be.”
He kissed her swiftly, his warm lips lingering against hers, his breath gusting over her cheek. “Whew,” he said. “That’s, like, the longest speech I’ve ever given. Sorry if I rambled.”
She could listen to him talk like that forever. “You didn’t ramble.”
“I’ve been practicing what I wanted to say. In my head. God, don’t think I was walking around campus, spouting stuff about hopes and dreams. But I meant every word.” With that, he got up and grabbed the picnic bag, bringing it to the steps of the gazebo, built some years ago for her grandparents’ golden anniversary. She followed, still entranced by the things he’d said. There was no one around. The gazebo was broadcasting music from somewhere. She recognized the old classic, “Wonderful Tonight” by Eric Clapton.
“Whoa,” she said. “Is someone here?”
“We are now.” Julian set down the bag. Turning to face her, he paused for what felt like a full minute and studied her face. She did the same, seeing love and pain in the yearning in his eyes.
“Thanks for coming here with me,” he said at last, bending down to kiss her again.
“Thanks for bringing me,” she said, feeling drunk from the taste of him. “It’s been an awesome day.”
“We’re just getting started.” He took out a bottle of champagne and two glasses.
When he uncorked the champagne with a loud thwok, Daisy felt a surge of excitement. “Julian?”
“Hang on,” he said, putting his arm around her. “You okay?”
“I’m kind of shaking.” The Eric Clapton song was perfect, romantic and true. He was a guy from an older generation, but his music told the stories in her own heart.
She didn’t drink the champagne. She was too nervous; she might upchuck on herself and ruin everything.
“I wanted to say this here because I know it’s a special place to you.”
She nodded. “Sacred ground. To the Bellamy family, anyway.”
“I’m glad I got to meet your grandparents on their fiftieth anniversary. I’d never met anyone who’d been married that long.”
It had been the most special of days, not only for her grandparents but for all the Bellamys. Daisy had been in enormous emotional pain that summer, yet she could still appreciate the wonder of a love that had endured for half a century.
“It gave me hope,” she said.
“It gave me a dream.” He took both her hands in his and turned to face her. “I want what they have, Daisy. I was a kid back then, we both were. We’re adults now, and the dream hasn’t changed, not for me anyway. It’s only grown stronger.”
His kiss was gentle, searching, full of yearning. She felt so emotional, she thought she might fly into a million pieces.
“All those places we flew over today,” he said, “they mean something to me because of what we shared there.”
“They’re special to me, too,” she said, her throat aching with the words.
He nodded, swallowed hard, as if gathering his thoughts. “I have to go away soon. I have a job to do, a duty…it’s what I signed up for. Life is unpredictable, so I have to do this while I have the chance.”
“Do what?” Somewhere in her heart she knew already, and her pulse raced almost out of control.
“My service in the air force is not forever. I’m saving ‘forever’ for you, Daisy. I don’t want to live my life without you.”
With that, he sank down on one knee before he
r.
Everything stopped. Time, breath, reality, the world on its axis. Even the wind seemed to quiet. She could feel the sweet air on her skin, and birdsong rang in her ears, mingling with the music from the hidden speakers. At the center of it all was Julian, looking at her with love shining from the deepest part of him.
She wanted to say something, she didn’t know what, but her voice felt trapped, frozen in her throat. She wasn’t able to utter a sound, which was probably a good thing, because for some inexplicable reason, she hovered on the verge of tears. She couldn’t believe this moment was happening to her.
“Daisy Bellamy, I’ve loved you since our first summer at Willow Lake,” he said. “I swear, I’ll never stop. Will you marry me?”
Though this was something she’d dreamed of, fantasized about, hoped for in a secret place in her heart, she was unprepared for the emotion that jolted through her, almost violent in its intensity. Will you marry me?
Her thoughts reeled. She knew she should think about all the reasons she couldn’t be with him, the dangers and drawbacks of giving herself and her young son to a man like Julian. Charlie needed security and stability. She needed…she needed… The tears fell and her heart spoke before her brain could object. “I would love to marry you, Julian Gastineaux. With all my heart, I would love it.”
He laughed aloud and took a ring from his pocket, a simple diamond solitaire on a slender gold band. “They knew your size at Palmquist’s,” he said, slipping in on her finger.
For a split second, she flashed on a memory of Logan’s Christmas Eve proposal, that humiliating night she could never quite get out of her head. Logan had gone to the same jeweler.
“It’s perfect,” she said, distancing herself from that memory. “It fits perfectly.”
“Really?” He stood and picked her up with him, as though she were as light as air.
“Really,” she said, kissing him and brimming over with a happiness so intense, it felt like a kind of pain.
He set her down, and they held each other for a long time. She pressed her cheek to his chest and listened to the throb of his heart. The past few minutes had changed her life. She was going to marry this man. It was unbelievable.